My niece and nephew are brats and I don't know how to feel

[Laibey]

They are teenagers now but they have always been unfriendly and very spoilt, right from when they were kids. Their parents are separated and I think that has made them even more spoilt. Both sets of grandparents shower them with gifts, let them get away with anything and compete for their approval. Anyway these kids have never said thank you (to me) for birthday and Xmas presents, they never greet me but purposefully turn their backs and walk out of the room if I come to visit, that sort of thing. I know in some respects they are typical teenagers but I still feel very hurt by their behaviour and now I've just given up. I feel a bit sad that I can't have a relationship with them (I have no children of my own) and I feel like it's my fault, like I should have tried harder to make them like me, but I also feel a bit confused / resentful because I don't think it's right for adults to pander to spoilt children to try to win their affection. I know raising children is very difficult but I also feel like my brother and his ex wife could have done a bit more to try to teach them some manners (these kids never get told off or reprimanded, they basically do whatever they like). Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?

Don't waste your energy.

This!

Purposefully turning their backs and leaving the room when you visit isn’t typical teenage behaviour imo. My two teenagers would never do this.

They are just rude.

It's impossible to know without seeing the dynamic and seeing what you're like with these children. Pulling children up will not force a relationship and I have never met a child who was inherently unfriendly.

They are rude but it doesn’t sound tbh that you like them and they will know this.
I would try to show interest in them personally if possible. However depending on divorce circumstances they probably see you as being from “the opposite” camp.

You havent liked them since they were little kids, and they dont like you now. Sounds an easy one, dont think you want a relationship and neither do they.

My teenagers would smile and say hello to visitors apart from one who they run upstairs from! To be fair that person never asks about the children nor talks to them directly either! Can I ask if you actually engage with them? Do you talk to them and ask about school, friends and hobbies? Gift them little things like a small bag of crisps/sweets/chocolate? I’m not criticising, just wondering if there is a bond between you? If not then they may feel sidelined when you arrive, and as if they have to move out of the way?

Well if you have never made an effort with them for their entire life they will sense that you don't like them. They can probably sense the way that you feel about them so make no effort in return.

However, walking out of a room is rude and saying thank you for gifts given to them is just basic manners so I can see why you feel hurt by that.

If you want to have some kind of relationship with them then you are going to have to make the effort to get to know them, which I sense is something you have never done before.

Do you make an effort to talk to them? Get to know them? If not then you can't expect them to do it back to you.

Typical teenagers don't do this. Mine would have engaged at least a bit, been polite, and then drifted off to do their own thing. Do you actually speak to them before they walk away?

If you take away the fact they're related to you, you wouldn't want anything to do with them, would you? They behave really badly and I can only assume that's accepted within their family.

Don't have anything to do with them and certainly don't spend any money on them. I'm sure in the future they'll realise that you don't have children to leave your money to, and they may well decide to be friendly. Never forget!

I'd just forget about it tbh. As pp have said the relationship is established so no point wishing things were different now.

I sympathise, my nephew and niece are a bit like this but not quite so bad. I’m asked to send vouchers every year or cash (£20 each so not nothing) and I don’t get any thanks if I don’t happen to see them (if I do it’s their mum nudging them to say thank you) . When I do see them I try so hard to engage and chat, ask what they have been up to, what they’re interested in. I get monosyllabic replies or muttered responses. A few years ago when they were young teens my sibling gave them quite a decent amount of cash as a little ad hoc present and they took it and walked off without saying thanks. Just so odd!

I think that you need to accept the relationship with them for what it is and let go of what you wanted it to be. It doesn't sound like there's much that you could have done differently as you're not their main influence.

Sounds like they've had a rubbish upbringing so one can hardly blame them for acting as they do. Im sure the real world will make them grow up but technically they're still children. I would be a grown up and appeal to their better nature 'hey guys, I love and care for you, why do you turn your back on me when I arrive?' Say it with kindness. You never what your ex sil might have said about you. I wouldn't buy them gifts and instead spend the money on an experience with them and some quality time.

blame the parents for allowing them to have bad manners. if someone didnt thank me for a gift i would say somwthing at the time, like you do to a small kid “what do you say…?”.

the problem is that at least one of them will probably go on to have kids of their own and beimg them up the same….and so it goes on unril there’s no manners left!

I would feel the same as you. It’s really sad that they behave like that. I know some teens are like this but I wouldn’t say it was normal.

Do you have any other nieces or nephews?

Turning your back on a family member when they walk into the room isn’t typical teenage behaviour.

What relationship have you got with their parents?

I don’t believe that ignoring you, purposely turning their backs, and not thanking you got gifts, is “topical teenage behaviour.”
They sound very rude. Is there a reason they don’t like you?

Stop buying them gifts. Then they can't act ungrateful. Stop making the effort.

Yeah, this.

This. Don't give up on them and try not to take it personally. In a few years time they might be whole different people and you might have a great relationship.

Do they express kindness, warmth and say thanks to grandparents?

I don'y know why some posters are saying you have never made any effort with them, that's not the impression I get from your post - more like you have made a normal amount of effort but are wondering if you should have gone to more extreme lengths to connect with them. It's not normal to receive no thanks for presents or to have them turn their backs and leave the room when you turn up - my DD would never ever do that (17) and I'm sure none of her friends would either. It sounds like your niece and nephew are just mardy teenagers who don't think any effort is required of them and who have no interest in family relationships, which is a shame. But I would stop sending them gifts and I would tell your brother why, and also ask him what is the deal with them leaving the room when you turn up. If they can't be arsed then nor can you.

That's really sad - I feel for you OP. Your niece and nephew are the closest thing to children you have and you want to be part of their world.

Mine can be bratty occasionally, however I found the best thing to try and counteract it was to be cool and not look like you give a crap. Try and cultivate the independent aunt persona. I am fortunate in that I live in an area of the country they REALLY want to visit - sand, sea, sails and surf - and they know that if they are dickheads then they won't get any of that. When I stay with them, I make it clear if they are acting up, that I have come to see my sister not them, and that they are perfectly welcome to join in with conversations and activities if they behave themselves.

thanks everyone for the replies.... I feel bad for feeling so hurt by them (after all they are still children! and I shouldn't be so sensitive) and yes over the years i have tried to be kind and friendly but the truth is, I have always felt very awkward around children (in general). I do really really like children, but I never know what to say and I think that kids sense that, and it makes them uncomfortable. So this is why it was hard to establish a relationship when they were younger, and now they are teenagers there's a whole teenager thing going on which I think disrupts the best of relationships! But maybe yeah the best thing is to give them space and just be normal-friendly if I see them. thanks again everyone.

I totally understand OP, my niece is regularly extremely rude to me and it gets skated over and it gets on my nerves. She is too old for excuses now, but I feel required to buy gifts or I’m the one at fault

Her mother has always been a nasty bitch though and I think my niece treats me with the behaviour she sees modelled

I’m going NC when DM dies