Contact between 16 y.o. and grandparents

[MaybeYouCan]

My 16 y.o. son would like to know what typical contact between teens his age and their grandparents looks like eg frequency, level of involvement in the teen's life. He is autistic.

He speaks to them on the phone a few times a week and sees them for the day with his dad at maybe 4-6 week intervals. He tells them about his ongoing friendship issues and about the girl he likes & his interactions with other boys who also like her.

They are currently telling him that he needs to ring them after every social event to update them on what happened & what was said. (By social events, I mean youth club type sessions which he goes to 3 times a week.)

I don't think this is a normal expectation and he would like to understand what kind of contact other teens have with their grandparents.

He will be reading replies.

Even ringing a few times a week sounds a bit excessive. Seeing them as he is doing now sounds fine. I spoke to my mum a few times a week and I would update them on what the grandchildren had been up to they didn't and I didn't expect them to do it themselves.

That sounds weird. My GD is 17, we have spoken 3x over the weekend, but that was because we were sorting stuff out for a birthday. Probably see her once a fortnight, but nothing set in stone. Occasional calls and texts.

That’s too intense! Don’t they have any of their own interests?

That’s a lot of contact, particularly the multiple calls each week, which is fine if DS enjoys it. Not good if obligation is the main reason for that level of contact.

The grandparents’ request for updates is unreasonable to say the least!

Mine goes to his grandparents 4 evenings a week after school (also autistic) but it’s completely out of sight out of mind if he’s with his Dad.

It’s up to you and him to come up with contact he’s happy with, talking on the phone can be tricky for a lot of us.

I was about to say there isn’t one normal but I think what he already does on the upper side of normal.

My nephew is a similar age and he goes to his Grandads after school school for an hour once a week - Grandad saves up heavy lifting jobs for him and usually they have dinner as larger family together once a week.

DD is neurotypical and would happily attend family events and be sociable and chatty (dinner at theirs, day out or similar) as long as she doesn't have conflicting plans with her friends. She texts back and forth sporadically, never talks to them on the phone. I regard this as excellent, my nephews spend their late teens grunting at best and ignoring all adults at worst!

I think late teens is a very natural time to pull away from parents and grandparents, and vastly prefer the company of friends over family.

My teen DS sends the occasional text to the family chat when I remind him and sees my dad 2-3 times a year. I don't think that's unusual.

They are expecting too much.

I have two granddaughters of roughly that age (one almost 17, one a year younger). The amount of contact I have with them is actually tapering off nowadays, as they are busy with their own lives. I used to see them at least weekly when they were young, as I provided childcare, plus taking them to activities.

Now see them mostly in two ways: either something arranged (a day out to something they (individually) will enjoy, a family outing with their siblings, a birthday dinner) which tends to be every 6 - 8 weeks, or casually when I drop in to their parents, or if their parents come to me and they choose to tag along, so that’s maybe every four weeks, less for the older one.

They have never phoned me, or vice versa. They do message me once in a blue moon.

He should ring them when he wants to not when they demand it. He doesn't need to give them a minute by minute account of his life after every event. Ringing them a few times a week is fine.

My Dad saw his grandchildren almost daily but the difference being my Mum and Dad did childcare for my sister several times a week whilst she was at work, that then included covering school holidays too. My Mum died so my Dad just took over. That included primary school runs, taking them to sports/hobbies on some days. They are all very close because of that.

They still see him a lot, they are in their 20s but they are working shifts and both drive so sometimes go and collect him and bring him home for a meal. They also facetime with him. My Dad has a lot of medical needs that my sister is involved with so she sees him several times a week because of that. I live a distance away so cannot help at all.

I think the amount of time your son contacts his grandparents is fine and if he wants to keep it to that then he should. They are expecting way too much of him.

My 21 yr old and 18 yr old rarely see/speak to their grandparents and one is at uni, the other at home

Last saw them a month ago

My teens (DDs age 18 and 15) haven't seen or spoken to my parents since Christmas... Paternal grandparents are local but they don't have much of a relationship either. Those grandparents are very lucky! My mum does WhatsApp my kids now as I've persuaded her that messaging works better for that generation.

They are expecting way too much.
I hope he feels reassured by the answers here.

His mum and dad should be managing this for him - so @MaybeYouCan you need to step in and get them to back off.

They do have friends & interests & are both still working, but being as involved as possible in my son's life is very important to them. My son likes talking to MiL because she shares his main special interest and he doesn't have many friends who are similarly knowledgeable about it.

My children are their only grandchildren, and my other child isn't on speaking terms with them, so there can be more pressure on the 16 y.o. to fill the shoes of both.

My DS17 and 16 see their grandparents about every 6 weeks - that’s how often we try and visit - it’s just for an afternoon not to stay . They don’t talk in between .

This is insane.

i used to see my grandparents 6 times a year or so always with my parents. Then I started texting my grandma perhaps 1-2 times a month. I went to stay with her once a year by myself when I was 18 onwards and got the train to her house.

it felt like plenty and we were both happy with this amount

You need to support him to take that pressure away.

His relationship with his grandparents shouldn’t be impacted in any way by his sibling’s relationship. He’s not responsible to fill a gap left by that fall out.

Was their intensity a part of the fall out with your other child by any chance?

My MIL wouldn’t put that kind of pressure on the kids to fill her in after ever social event specifically and she lives with us.

My grandparents wanted to see me weekly when I was about 14. I wasn't interested. I'm a granny now and assume at 14/16 I'll be lucky to see my GC 2 or 3 times a month.

My 15 yo doesn't speak to her GPs on the phone - I will give them an update on her about once a week, but only things I think she'd be ok sharing, so school events, not social things.

She sees them every couple of months. She will chat with them and politely answer their questions within reason, but she doesn't discuss her social life with them at all and they wouldn't dream of asking.

I think your DS's vulnerability has been misused by his GPs to intrude into his personal life.

Pessure is one reason among many (mostly pretty reasonable ones) why the sibling doesn't speak to them.

The pressure on the 16 y.o. has been going on for years, quite apart from that, though it's got more intense as he's got older. DH doesn't see it as a problem and me asking them to back off a bit won't make them stop as long as DS does genuinely want to contact them (which he does).

Mine speaks to his grandparents most weeks, texts them and sees them every couple of weeks.

My eldest is in contact with them weekly and pops over at least every couple of weeks. DD is similar, she chats mainly to grandma at least CNN once a week and either goes out for lunch with her or goes over there once a week or so if she’s back from uni. 2 of mine are away for the summer and have been sending photos to their grandparents and DD has rung her a couple of times for a chat

My teens I would say are super close to their grandparents and see them every week/every other week, but would never call them multiple times a week to tell them about their social lives!
They might text them to ask for a lift or say thanks for a present but definitely not to chat 🤔

Sorry but you need to step up. You are making a lot of excuses for some pretty unhealthy pressure.

Grandparents seem overly invested!

When my ex inlaws were alive dsc probably saw them once a month and never spoke in-between. Dsc were similar ages to your ds when their Grandparents passed.

I don't believe they speak to their maternal Grandparents outside if special occasions. The relationship is strained due to issues with their mum although not privvy to details.