Contact between 16 y.o. and grandparents

[MaybeYouCan]

My 16 y.o. son would like to know what typical contact between teens his age and their grandparents looks like eg frequency, level of involvement in the teen's life. He is autistic.

He speaks to them on the phone a few times a week and sees them for the day with his dad at maybe 4-6 week intervals. He tells them about his ongoing friendship issues and about the girl he likes & his interactions with other boys who also like her.

They are currently telling him that he needs to ring them after every social event to update them on what happened & what was said. (By social events, I mean youth club type sessions which he goes to 3 times a week.)

I don't think this is a normal expectation and he would like to understand what kind of contact other teens have with their grandparents.

He will be reading replies.

I would say once a fortnight is probably normal, if that. You need to support him in reducing this or they will push and demand more until he burns out. Can you imagine if you had a bad day at an interaction and then once you finally leave there is a pressure to relay the events to your grandparents? They're being selfish.

Speaking up in defence of your 16yo will give him back up to speak out if he does want to step back or step away. It’ll also give your other DC roundabout support for their decision.

it’ll also take away any silent pretence from your DH and in laws that everything is hunky dory.

Someone needs to stick up for your DC, and it sounds like it’s you or nobody

I wouldn’t be able to support that kind of expectation and would ask my parents and in laws to back off and be reasonable in the situation you describe. My ASD son is 14 and sees my parents once or twice a month, and sometimes has a bit of an exchange with them via the family group WhatsApp. Theres no phone conversations between them unless he wants to join in when I’m talking to them.

My FIL he sees a couple of times a week but they don’t have any interest in each other or common ground so there’s zero 1:1 interaction there which suits both of them.

Are they asking him to contact because they’re genuinely interested in how he’s doing and they’re close?
It may not be coming from a place of intense demand which changes how I’d feel about it.
At the end of the day if your son feels it’s too much it’s too much.

Both DD's Grandmas have died, but she see's DPs Dad about once a week or so. He lives not far from college so she'll generally pop over for lunch or after college once a week. They get on well, share a similar taste in music and have a similar sense of humour.

She see's my Dad maybe once every couple of months, with a phone call once a month or so. She has absolutely no desire to see more of him, because she's of the opinion that he's a complete bellend. An opinion that she's come to completely independent of me but that I fully support.

@MaybeYouCan , your sons Grandparents sound like a bit of a nightmare, and I'd be trying to support him to speak to them less if he wants to.

Both of mine had a lot of contact at age 16 but that was due to circumstances.

At 14 ds changed schools and went to one near to his grandparents house so he went there after school. Dd however, went to a college much further away so she generally spoke to them on the phone maybe once a week and saw them in holiday times. However when she started to learn to drive her grandad would take her out for driving practice once a week.

When ds went to college his grandparents became involved in his life there because they offered up their house for band practice!

Both will phone them up randomly if they have something to tell them.

Thank you to everyone who's replied.

Our basic problem is that they have two settings - uninvolved and Spanish Inquisition, but cannot do "moderate involvement". My son genuinely wants their input into things and will ring them up to ask for relationship advice because he actually wants it, but then finds the resulting inquisition too much.

They have no boundaries themselves and don't respect other people's boundaries at all, taking it as personal rejection whenever someone does set a boundary. I am their least favourite person ever because I've done a lot of that over the years in relation to our children.

dd is 18, her grandparents live in another close town, and dd goes to sixth form in their town.
she is also autistic.
She sees them about once a month, often by her own initiative, eg she went over to watch the Grand Prix with her Granddad as they share that interest.
She sometimes (rarely) pops in after college (she drives so has flexibility)

She occasionally texts (usually to confirm she is dropping in) and literally never, ever speaks to them on the phone as she doesn't like phoning.

She is the most involved of the 8 grandchildren by a LONG way. The others don't even come close, and this amount of involvement will diminish once she finishes sixth form.

I think your ds has a lot of contact and it feels very pressured. You need to step in and help him find a timetable for contact which works.

I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong amount of contact between grandparents and grandchildren. Some will inevitably have more frequent contact than others, and that's fine.

I think the real question is whether the contact is enjoyable and manageable for both parties. And if it isn't, then something needs to change.

At that age, I think my dd saw her grandparents about once a week, or sometimes once a fortnight. She occasionally used to text my mum in between. Never really spoke on the phone. She was very close to my mum, who is sadly no longer with us, but there was never any pressure whatsoever on dd to spend more time with them or talk about stuff that she didn't want to talk about. My parents both respected the fact that dd was young, busy with her own life and entitled to her privacy.

I think your ds is the only one who can say in this situation whether the contact that he currently has with his grandparents is too much or intrusive or whatever. It does sound a lot, but that would be fine if he was OK with it. If he isn't OK with it, then obviously he needs to be supported to do things differently. He doesn't have to cut contact altogether. He can be helped to say that he enjoys the chats but doesn't want to feel under pressure to keep reporting back or to talk about things which are private etc.

My dc see my mum 3 or 4 times a year. They only speak on the phone on their birthdays.

Its nice the GP are so invested but it sounds a bit much.
What level of contact would your ds feel comfortable with?

I don’t think they can demand he calls them, it’s up to him really isn’t it? One of my nieces calls my parents nearly every day as she is super close to them, but her sister will talk to them quite rarely. It’s all up to them though.

I would LOVE to have that much contact with my similar aged grandson! I see him maybe every couple of months, with the rest of the family, never on his own. He knows he is welcome to come here but he can't be bothered/has better things to do. Whenever I do see him he is very loving - he is also autistic. Very occasionally I might get a text message in response to one from me.

I know he loves me and he knows I love him. I leave it up to him to decide whether/when he wants to see me - and I'm always happy to see him and to help if he wants it. When I do see him I always let him know that he can come here any time he likes. I'm hoping that as he gets older he may want to see me a bit more.

@MaybeYouCan My 16 y old autistic ds goes to his Mil every Saturday for lunch and he stays a couple of hours to talk. There is no obligation and there shouldn't be. If he's got plans then he can cancel and she always asks each week if he WANTS to come.

I wouldn't be happy with her pressuring him and neither would he. He would probably refuse to ever see her. Luckily she's intelligent so she wouldn't dream of pressuring him. Your son needs to decide how much contact HE wants. They need to respect that and you need to enforce that they respect his boundaries.

As a sidenote ; my DS often asks if things are "normal" as well. Mil insisted on giving him 20£ last time- he refused but she got "angry" with him so he accepted. He then asked her if it's normal for grandmothers to give money to their grandchildren. 😅. My other DS13 would just have said thank you very much and stuffed the money down his pocket.

Oh- I first read the Spanish Inquisition as being the special interest they had in common 🤣

My 17 and 18 y o see Grandma 4 times a year. In the summer they might go and stay without us and help with jobs (and get paid).
They might WhatsApp in between but that is up to them.
Unless he wants to, there's no need to tell Grandparent's anything about his private life.

Depends on the relationship. I saw 1 set 5 days a week during 6th form for tea/treats after school. In uni I visited once a week for lunch.

Other set I saw once every 2 - 3 weeks.

But we live within 15 miles of each other

My 15 year old is autistic and he can’t stand the mithering and questions from grandparents. They create too much anxiety for him. Both sets of grandparents think daily medication and a chat with a doctor can eradicate autism, he’ll grow out of it so despite our pleas and advice on how to create the right environment, they continue on and then we get grief because he refuses to go and see them, they have started bombarding him with texts now and I’ve had to block them all because it’s too much and they won’t listen . They find it hard to rein it in and bombard him with questions. After school he likes quiet and an hour to just be. He only saw them once every other week after school because they would let him down most weeks, this again caused issues as he likes routine but now he refuses to go altogether. I let them know updates but they feel very put out and I have a very strained relationship with my parents so I cop a lot of flack. My son has seen first hand the way my parents have treated me over the years too which makes him very reluctant to see them.

So how much does your son wish to interact. Is he finding this too much. I think his grandparents obviously love to here his news. If he’s finding it too much then you can always up date them. So he should have as much interaction as he feels comfortable with.

I get on great with my parents but I barely speak with them unless it's to make practical arrangements. I hate talking on the phone. We WhatsApp a fair bit.

On that basis I'd never expect my son to call his grandparents except for practical reasons. If he wants to ring them and they collectively want to speak by phone fine, but if he doesn't there's no way I'd insist.

We live about 25 mins from them and see them every 3 weeks on average. We go on holiday with them about twice a year.

I was extremely close to my gran and at that age was round once a week for dinner plus would drop in now and then as well during the week. However, I was there because I wanted to see her & would chat but never that much about specific things as such. Didn't ever mention my teenage drama, where I'd been unless it was unusual or interesting and she never questioned me about my social activities etc.

The level of contact his grandparetns want is ridiculous - I wouldnt be pandering to it & certianly woulndt be ringing them after any social events to discuss it with them. They sound like they want to be in control of what your son is doing/going and thats not healthy.

Again, I was extremely close to my gran & when I was at school saw her every night for about an hour or so as she lived nearer the school than I did. I would get dropped off at her house in the morning & picked up from there later on - I met friend who lived near her & walked to & from school with them. All 5 of her grandchildren did this daily from the ages of 4 - 16 but she never asked for this level of info about my life & I wouldnt have given it either!

If your son feels uncomfortable I would reduce the amount he tells them as well as reducing the amount he speaks to them during the week & keep the conversations just to when he sees them.

Wow!

At 16 you have whatever relationship you personally choose to have with your grandparents. If they are trusted confidants and people whose advice you value, or you just really enjoy their company, you might talk to them every day, but they don't get to tell you you have to!

My teenagers only speak to their grandparents to thank them if they send a birthday present or to wish them happy birthday/ Christmas, or if we visit, which is only a few times a year as we live a long way away - they don't visit us as they are elderly and not especially healthy don't want to do the journey any more, though they visited once a year when the children were very small. One of my young adult children has visited the grandparents alone occasionally, but the other three never have.

There's a massive range and absolutely no correct amount of contact - it depends on the relationship established during childhood. If he doesn't want to speak to them between visiting with his dad he absolutely shouldn't have to. If he genuinely wants to speak daily that's fine too.

He should have the level of contact he feels comfortable with. What they want feels too much and very forced.

Mine hit his teens this year, so only 13..I’ve gone from almost daily contact with lots of sleepovers because of the hours his parents worked and I did school runs plus dinner and some nights, to a few hours every 2 weeks with his dad for lunch and a chat. I expect that to diminish further as he gets older and spends increasing amount of time with peers/ gf on top of the sports and other activities he does now.
Grandparents get less attention and should want the teens to be spreading their wings . I only get texts if I put money in his account for birthday, Xmas, Download festival etc .and that a terse Thank you. Two words. Yet we were close till recently. I get it’s not cool now and I’m ok with it. Sad, but it’s natural he moves on. He is my only grandson

I'd say a chat once a week to catch up and say hello if he isn't too busy x

I think these people are too much for your child to have to handle. I would be trying to wean him off them tbh.