Struggling with my autistic teen daughter's constant criticism and hostility at home

[Gardenprincess08]

My 14 yo daughter is autistic and doesn’t communicate well, she doesn’t understand basic etiquette of things you should or shouldn’t say and tends to go into random rants at me. I know she cannot help it but sometimes it really gets to me. She’s also home educated as she couldn’t cope in the school system.
She looks down on me constantly telling me I’m doing xyz wrong, giving me tips on how to be an adult, criticising how I look or what I eat, follows me around reciting things she has read on Google and generally being very negative and rude. I feel like the household walks on eggshells around her to not trigger her shouting and swearing. It’s like being in an abusive relationship and tbh I dread when she enters the room because I’ll have an hour of being told how I should raise her siblings/ I need to clean the house better because she found dog hair/ I burnt toast because I was multitasking but apparently just being lazy and irresponsible/ she wants another pet and expects us to find £3000 to buy one right now/ I need to lose weight because my clothes are stretching/desperation to tell me she saw a spider and gets angry that I don’t comment back with the same enthusiasm. It’s all day like this. It’s very rare she’s nice to anyone. I feel like I must have been an awful parent for it to get to this point because she suddenly switched last year and said it was my fault. I know teens are hardwork in general but her older sister wasn’t anything like this. I’m completely burnt out and had enough of the put downs.
Discipline doesn’t work with her but it’s starting to take a toll on my mental health and I’m already on the highest dose of anti depressants.
Can anyone offer any advice please?

No advice sorry, but been there, it improved when she moved out, ie it didn't.

Is she like this with any other family members, or just you?

I started buying the most basic of foods and when he moaned,I stated I'll get nicer food in when he can be kind and polite to me.
I was also not going to give a lift or help in any other way until his behaviour improved.
All the put downs,nasty little comments and calling me wrinkled,I just ignored or kept saying ' oh well I love myself' and carried on singing or whatever I was doing.
18 now and despite his asd,he is actually not too bad. Even made me a cup of tea last night for the second time ever.

Thanks for replying, sorry to hear some of you have the same issue.

she is only like it with me, she’ll shut down with some people but she’ll be pleasant enough it’s just me she becomes angry and rude towards. I worry it will be history repeating itself as I was never close to my mother and we’re now no contact. She was awful to me so I wanted to do a better job with my own children, but seems like it’s heading that way with my daughter and it honestly scares me. She can’t look after herself at all so it’s unlikely she can ever move out.

I challenge it in my autistic teen girl and accept the meltdown that ensues. Always a shock to others like PILs but it is what it is.

See if there is any help available in your area for dealing with ND teenagers. Good luck.

Honestly the autism is being used as a shelter or excuse here. She isn’t an idiot.

I would take her to task over it. I did with my teen dd who was equally horrible to me. Now she barely speaks to me - which is basically what I requested - but that is preferable to the unpleasant, superior commentary on how I’m executing my daily tasks and my life/existence in general.

No punishment works on my dd as she claims she doesn’t care about anything. I truly believe if it can’t to it she would live on water, cereal and wear dirty clothes all year to avoid having to be pleasant to me!

Anyway I think it will pass and I’m not going to start ww3 over it.

This is why she needs to be in school or at least educated out of the home by someone else. Its far too intense to be someones parent, educator, confident, friend, companion, cook and bottle washer. For you and her.

Also autism is not an excuse or reason to act like this, she can help it because she is different with others.

That sounds unbearable, OP. You don't deserve it at all and I worry you could totally breakdown. Is there an ASD parenting expert or helpline you can go to for advice on how to make this behaviour stop?

I would look at different provisions for education. You cannot go on like this.

Be transactional.

do as little for her as possible and tell her that you are training her up for adulthood and she needs to learn to do laundry/cook her own meals etc.

only do stuff for her if she asks nicely. No asking nicely - no favour.

This is probably anxiety driven. It often is with autism. And you unfortunately have to put your feelings to one side. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

I agree with Octavia about being transactional. She’s 14. Time to do her own laundry now at the very least. And regular kitchen tidying, cleaning her bedroom. She sounds like a resourceful girl, therefore I’d just tell her you’ll not be doing it anymore, but you’re on hand if she needs some help and leave her to it. And mean it. No more washing.

If she wants lifts anywhere, stuff bought for her etc, she needs to pack it in. Each time she criticises you, tell her you won’t be driving her anywhere for the rest of the day or take her phone away for a while. Whatever works.

As for making food, I’d say making a meal at least once a week for the family. Will she also shop for the food?

Does she leave the house? Does she have friends? I also think this homeschooling situation is untenable. Your dd is telling you loud and clear it isn’t working for her anymore. Perhaps she’s resilient enough to go back to school.

No walking on egg shells, it's not going to help her. How do you normally react? It depends what she says of course, if she's giving you tips can you just say 'that's interesting, thanks'.

If she's rude then, 'You're being rude, please don't speak to me like that'. On repeat every time she's rude like you would with a toddler. Then walk away. You don't need to discipline her. Or 'I made a mistake, it's ok for people to make mistakes'. Have a set of different lines you use for different situations that are non confrontational but clear.

It sounds like she really just wants your attention though, does she have many friends? Maybe not if she is home schooled. Maybe she's just lonely and doesn't know how else to get your attention. Are there any fun activities you could do with her so you're giving her attention rather than her trying to constantly take it? Does she go to groups where she has friends to mix with? If she has friends it might take the pressure off you a bit.

I agree with the pp also that she needs to be getting more independence now and doing more for herself, with you teaching her in small steps till she's confident. Lots of scaffolding, don't just expect her to be able to do things for herself.

These are the things that worked with DS who is also autistic.

I don't know the answer to this. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with my teenage ASD son. I have found it utterly unbearable and have felt extreme rage and hatred tbh. I'm not even caring much anymore due to progressing disability ( cared by other parent). And I still feel absolutely emotionally destroyed after every interaction.

I question what is right here because the pattern of behaviours does feel abusive so do we gentle parent our way through that? It feels wrong yet I am struggling with consequences myself. I believe there should be consequences so that this stuff isn't enabled. I can't advise what that would look like for you.

The thing that stands out as a priority is an urgent nerd for you to have space and a break from her. Can anyone help out there so you can switch off and come away from being her dumping ground so much?

Can you put her into something structured during the school week so you have space?

You have a teenager with autism. It's like normal teenagers but with so much more!
Whilst teen brains are very much a work in progress, they do have choice and capacity. Autism brings additional challenge but you can lay down rules and boundaries and expect her to follow them.
My DD is also autistic and I have had more than a few conversations at this age where we didn't agree - but I very firmly held the line that she could disagree with me but not lecture me or expect me to agree with her. She had to learn the skill of agreeing to disagree (a pretty key life skill).
We debated a lot of non personal issues - like can you like art/music if made by a bad person, why don't banks just print more money, and I think it was a really good way to learn how to see things from someone else's perspective.
My DD is also very intense - and it's draining at times. You sound like you need a break - regarding the home schooling, are there any options where she can learn with others and be away from you for a couple of hours?

You have my total sympathy @Gardenprincess08. My DD was like this at 14 and we’re coming out the other side now as she’s in her late teens. At 14 I sometimes questioned why I’d ever had DC and I do still wonder how me and DH have managed to stay together.

Someone recommended the book Untangled to me and it really did help. It’s not written for parents of ND Teen Dads but a lot of the advice does make sense.

Like others have said, your home life sounds very intense. Are there any plans to get her back into school? Is School something that you’re working towards?

Does she meet up with any other Homeschoolers or do any activities out of the home? Ours have found Explorers to be good.

Basically, you both need some time away from one another but I know that’s not easy.

I do agree too that a lot of her behaviour may be anxiety driven. How does she sleep? Has Melatonin been tried and Sertraline?

Your life is as important as your daughter's, OP.

Home education isn't working for your family. It's time to look at something different.

I always challenge it. I don't care if she melts down, autism is not a green light to be fucking nasty. Tell her straight that she is being rude and negative and you don't like being around her as a result. Let her kick off, just say your piece and walk away.

That’s not autism, that’s just a monster.

is she officially diagnosed?

This

plus also autism is not an excuse for her being rude to you, how horrible for you and her other siblings but absolutely wouldn’t be having any of this.

remove all treats, luxuries, don’t buy £3000 pets (I mean what the actual!) she needs to learn!

This sounds less like autism and more like a spoiled teenager ruling the household

She sees you are the container for her negativity. Quite literally quit the job. When she starts tell her, “I’m not the container for your negative thoughts”. If she continues say it again and walk away. It is important that you don’t pander to her meltdowns, this will get worse if you don’t confront it. Her behaviour is completely intolerable.

My eldest had a very mild version of this but no where this extreme. I told her as a parent it was my role to help and guide her but not to be the target for her negative emotions. I stopped engaging with her when she started up. She is absolutely fantastic now and has really completely stopped doing it.

I had this with my DD. It was intolerable. I felt I was being baited every minute of every day and she seemed to get a kick out of me finally emotionally erupting. I recognise that it was anxiety (explains it, doesn’t excuse it) and/or her discharging her stress from masking all day - as she was ‘perfect’ out of the house to the level of almost selective mute at school. I recognise I handled it badly and didn’t have enough emotional information / capacity / resilience / strategy to manage her.

The standard parenting strategies of ignore the bad / praise the good don’t work here because it’s relentless. I did the ignoring for as long as I could hoping the moment would pass but she would keep going until she got an emotional reaction from me.

I do believe it’s also about trying to get a connection and my approach was wrong.

She is now 24 - went to uni, traveled, lives out and has had one relationship which is now over where she bullied her GF. So I think she’s abusive with those closest to her. Likely from her autism masking but it’s still not excusable or acceptable to impact others this way.

I was recently on holiday with her - having sworn I would never do so after last year when she was hideous - travel and transition escalates her anxiety hence her projecting on to me / lashing out at me.

This time - my approach has been to nip EVERYTHING in the bud - instant / constant / consistent- not letting anything at all slide. It involves having the same phrase with CONSEQUENCE ready to say and enact each and every time. No getting drawn into any specifics / details of her insults or complaints:

”Enough. Stop. Your words / tone / behaviour is hurting me.

This isn’t acceptable - if it happens one more time I am disengaging for the rest of the day / you are not coming for dinner / I will get up and leave this coffee shop right now.”

Above is what I say CALMLY and then follow through on.

In non agitated moments I explain that this is her anxiety ‘acting out’ - escalating internal feelings becoming reactive and negative external behaviours and she needs to learn to interrupt this automatic pattern to process those feelings internally.

I can only do this because we now don’t live together and I have the opportunity to restore my emotional capacity. I also think I let her down by being too passive with her when she was younger - I needed to be more calm, considered and assertive - but I needed support eg time apart, better skills etc that I didn’t have.

Best of luck to you. It’s hideous.

I also told my DD she was being hostile and her picking on me was impacting those around her - eg her cousin who she adores was on holiday with us - she was quite shocked and embarrassed when her cousin calmly asked her to stop. Might need another to intervene?

This is brilliant and a much more succinct and accurate explanation of what I was struggling to express.

I think the only other thing is to maybe give her some psycho education - on how to manage emotions - maybe SM posts etc?