Struggling with my autistic teen daughter's constant criticism and hostility at home

[Gardenprincess08]

My 14 yo daughter is autistic and doesn’t communicate well, she doesn’t understand basic etiquette of things you should or shouldn’t say and tends to go into random rants at me. I know she cannot help it but sometimes it really gets to me. She’s also home educated as she couldn’t cope in the school system.
She looks down on me constantly telling me I’m doing xyz wrong, giving me tips on how to be an adult, criticising how I look or what I eat, follows me around reciting things she has read on Google and generally being very negative and rude. I feel like the household walks on eggshells around her to not trigger her shouting and swearing. It’s like being in an abusive relationship and tbh I dread when she enters the room because I’ll have an hour of being told how I should raise her siblings/ I need to clean the house better because she found dog hair/ I burnt toast because I was multitasking but apparently just being lazy and irresponsible/ she wants another pet and expects us to find £3000 to buy one right now/ I need to lose weight because my clothes are stretching/desperation to tell me she saw a spider and gets angry that I don’t comment back with the same enthusiasm. It’s all day like this. It’s very rare she’s nice to anyone. I feel like I must have been an awful parent for it to get to this point because she suddenly switched last year and said it was my fault. I know teens are hardwork in general but her older sister wasn’t anything like this. I’m completely burnt out and had enough of the put downs.
Discipline doesn’t work with her but it’s starting to take a toll on my mental health and I’m already on the highest dose of anti depressants.
Can anyone offer any advice please?

I’m saying this really kindly as the mum of a teenage son with autism and complex needs - he’s 13 as well; you need to get her back into some sort of school / tutoring / alternative provision. It isn’t good for you or her long term to let her use you as a punching bag, which is what she’s doing. She clearly has the skills to switch it off around other people so she does have the capability and capacity to know she shouldn’t treat you this way. That isn’t being disabilist, it’s the truth. It may be of course that she sees you as her “safe space” which is very common in people with autism and they can effectively use you as a tool to regulate their anger etc but she needs to learn - and is capable of learning - she needs healthier ways to manage her anxiety and anger. I would be looking into what the future might look for her long term. It’s not easy at all - we’ve had periods where my son has been signed off school for months with anxiety and we’ve had to move him from one autism specialist school to another but personally I think - for his own good - it’s really important he manages to stay in some sort of school (currently managing 3-4 days a week) so he learns to rely on people other than me and hopefully long term he might be able to navigate some sort of volunteer work or even paid work which means we both get a break from each other.

Hi Op, I haven't read all the comments so sorry if I repeat anything but my daughter is autistic and I also run a support group for families with autistic girls - so I meet a lot of children who are autistic!

This is common - but that does not mean you ahve to tolerate it or allow it.

My daughter can get like this - and yes I'm sure it's natural part of a very anxious personality type, often without enough friends and a lot of feeling of low self esteem that they then take out on those near to them - and I think mum is often the one they feel most able to lash out at!

I would be very very clear with her that 'feelings' are tolerated, rude bheaviuor is not. If she is rude to you - you walk away, you don't allow it - it is not doing her any favours to let her speak to you like shit let's be honest.

I think it's a very specific trait to anxious autistic teens but - I really think we have to set the boundary we would want them to set - tell her you won't allow anyone to speak to her like this and you are also not going to allow her to talk to you like that.

She can go away, calm down and return when she can speak politely

if there are really deep issues she wants to talk through (and I know autistic teens have a lot of black /white thinking problems and can get very fixated) maybe it would be worht some family therapy together.

don't let her make you a punching bag.

I also have been there got the t shirt with every aspect of school refusal/ EBSA/ unable to cope - my child is currently in an alternative provision which I fought very very hard for over home ed becausse I just don't think it is good for a teen or their parent - where there is this much anxiety - to be together all the time.

Anxiety worsens without exposure to new situations/people.

I see this with my own child - periods of home with no provision or school lead to far higher anxiety levels and aggression.

I am sure you don't need any lectures from anyone here and are probably trying all you can - but I would say, having seen it from all sides - my child#'s anxiety and regulation is much much improved from even a few hours a week in an alternative provision - where she has to overcome her fears/ be with other people/tolerate the world/ learn that we all ahve to cope with things that are hard.

and my child has very high needs and has been turned down by every mainstream in the area. THere are small/ AP type provisions that are much better at supporting these young people.

That is a good point about having some distance. I always say that my DD is better because she’s older but it might be partly to the fact she’s either in work or college for most of the week.

It’s not just you OP, I hear you

Require basic manners and boundaries, just like when she was a toddler. Ignore the reactions and work to keep yourself calm. Find tutoring, home school groups anything where she has to practice those manners.

I don't agree with some of the pp's saying about being transactional, that's fair enough for neuro typical children but asd children often can't understand consequences such as 'I'll take your phone because you spoke to me like this' - there is no link between their phone and the way they've spoken to you in their minds. If she doesn't like how you've made her toast then she can make her own toast.
Try positive reinforcement. Praise her when she is acting appropriately, being kind etc.
You do need to be walking away and telling her that you cannot speak to her when she is being so hurtful and that you will spend time with her again when she is being kind.
Try teaching 'T.H.I.N.K before you speak'
T - Is it true?
H- is it helpful?
I - is it inspiring?
N- is it necessary?
K- is it kind?

"It’s like being in an abusive relationship".
No, it IS an abusive relationship and there must be a point where your daughter's autism has to take second place to your own well-being. Only you can decide where that is. I don't think you'll be doing her any favours by being too understanding.
Her autism possibly makes it difficult for her to understand how you experience her behaviour, especially if you soft-pedal your reaction.
Perhaps you should be a bit more assertive in responding, as she may miss the cues from a milder approach.

I know beautiful Autistic people. I also see a huge issue with Autism and some form of what looks like NPD ( sociopathy in development). You also have PDA which I believe is so ingrained biologically that peoples need for autonomy and control will result in abusive behaviour. This needs fir autonomy is wired from birth in certain Autistic people; they would have historically been diagnosed as Asperger's.

The behaviour is absolutely monstrous though and I've called my teen worse. I apologise and own it and change. My change has been less contact, because it is actually abused when it goes on like OP describes.

Tell her you can't let her treat you so badly.

Introduce a set of 'traffic lights' - red, yellow, and green cards that you will carry around with you.

The green will show that she is being pleasant and you are enjoying the conversation.

The yellow will show that she has started to cross lines into unpleasant behaviour and she needs to check herself. Yellow is a very important card for her. It means she needs to ask herself if her words are nice or kind.

The red means she has said something that was hurtful, mean, unnecessary, or unkind, and you and she need to separate, after which she needs to apologise.

Agree!

Do you have ND DC?

I’m in the same boat. My daughter also does it to her siblings and this forces me to intervene to protect them. Hideous. I’m in the process of arranging CBT for her anger management.

You need to start setting some boundaries. Some therapy might help.
It is fine to make it clear what kinds of comments you will not tolerate.

I have a ND DH and ND DC. I find it is important to be very firm about what I will not tolerate.

It's your home and you are allowed to have standards you expect in terms of how you are treated

Hi, have you read the threads from the mum about her autistic teenage daughter complaining about a birthday cake? The details differ but you may find it has some useful advice. The author's family has been ground down for years and she gets lots of practical advice on how to react to the daughter's tantrums and manipulation.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5494118-dds-birthday-was-an-utter-disaster?postsby=bendmeoverbackwards