Sorry, a long one, but I am desperate and want to give as much info in the first post.
DS is 12 but almost 13 and deeply into physical puberty. I need advice, support, encouragement from others who have gone before because we are losing our minds with his sudden change of behaviour.
Three months ago DS was he usual happy delightful self. Struggled to focus at school but happy, jokey…really a brilliant kid. He had some bullying at school but was still his usually self. Then came a girlfriend and everything changed. She is full of angst - like a cloud moves over her head when she walks. Permanently online. Not very involved parents and we’re living in a country that doesn’t really believe in mental health.
We found messages from her that she was SHing and expressing suicide ideation. Within weeks, our happy go lucky son started to act/express the same thoughts. He doesn’t focus at all in class. Is defiant at home.
He has quite an obsessive personality but previously this has been channeled to normal kid interests - now it’s channeled at her. She was (the school tell me, we only joined recently) queen bee last year. After a failing out with all her friends she’s now a loner. Enter my DS. The school has described him as ‘collateral damage’ to her falling out with friends.
We still have large stretches of time where he’s more his old self - loving, funny, silly. he is still doing his extracurricular - football, track. But we can see from messages he sends that he’s talking about how he’s changed, no longer the same. The latest is telling her he doesn’t eat (he does, he had two dinners last night). This is all stuff she was telling him a few weeks ago. It’s like he learns behaviour and adopts it.
We have introduced restrictions on his computer to limit their messaging but now they use email and hard to stop that as he needs it for school.
We have limited resources for support where we are but have had a psychiatric evaluation and the conclusion is anxiety and non-suicidal self harm. He has cut himself and yesterday used an eraser to make the most dreadful red marks all over his arm. He will not engage in discussion about this. We try to remain calm, non judgmental, reassure him everything will be ok. He says we give him the hardest life - he has a really wonderful privileged life (with some notable challenge in that we have to move around for work but he’s always been very resilient and this hasn’t seemed to bother him much - and we don’t move too often - we try for 4 years per country. I know people might jump on this information (perhaps rightly) but just to say (1) this is his norm; (2) it’s norm for many of the kids he’s around; (3) our work is very hard to do from the UK). Moving school could be an option but it’s isn’t a good one - the other school here doesn’t have a good reputation). We’re a two parent loving, calm home. Financially we are not rich but stable and provide him with a lot (not spoiled but not wanting for anything).
We now finally have the first psychotherapy tonight (online - it’s the only option). I have shared a ton of information with the therapist who works with moving families like ours.
i don’t really know what I am asking but has anyone been through this and come out - with the SH particularly. But also with the total lack of focus at school. The school allow them to listen to music while working and this is such a distraction but when we blocked Spotify he lost it. We are trying to focus on stabilising his mental health and letting the school work slide for the moment.
Any words of wisdom? Do we show our concern or do we just keep calm? It’s so hard. I want the scream and throw things. But I don’t. I hate his behaviour right now, absolutely hate it. We both have super stressful jobs and while we don’t bring them home, this is impacting every element of our lives.