Do you still have to put your 12 year olds to bed?

[Elfie23]

This is starting to drive me a little bit mad.

DD is almost 12 and from being a baby I’ve always read to her at night. I don’t mind doing this but I feel like she should now really just read to herself and say good night to me.

It’s just us at home and usually I’ll send her off for a shower about 8pm. Once she’s out I go in. Then I read to her and try to say good night. This is where she then goes to the toilet 4 or 5 times to ‘get it all out’ which drives me mad too.

I thought by this age she would read to herself for 15 -20mins and we could just say good night to each other and that be it.

Have I got this wrong? I can’t seem to just send her off to bed, I feel like I’m still involved with a much younger child. Is 12 too early to expect this?

For background bedtime has always been tough, never slept through and has been on melatonin since she was 8, we are going to use the last of this box and stop as she’s on such a low dose now I do think it does much. She’s always messed about at bedtime to some degree.

Any words of wisdom?

Ahhhh, thank you! I'll always be her baby, even if I live to be 90!

DS is 14 with severe dyslexia, he likes to be read to (non fiction - I know more about freshwater fish migration than I thought possible) and I read to 12 yo DD so she has to put up with my choice of books ( kids classics) not just graphic novels or pop culture, also so she doesn’t feel left out. The 14yo is a ‘lights out by 9pm’ kid.

I wasn't reading to him by that age but we used to play cards. I absolutely loved that time and was really sad when he started not wanting to and just take himself to bed. I think that time before sleep is a real connection point and I wouldn't wish it away too quickly if I were you.

This is a great thread to cherish childhood things ❤️.
My 11 year old will go up and put herself to bed. She reads in bed for a bit. I sometimes pop in to say goodnight which she loves but sometimes I'm ready for some quiet adult time and leave her to it .

I kept reading to my kids (not necessarily every night) until they wouldn’t let me. It means you can read them book that they wouldn’t read themselves. I read things like Treasure Island to them at that age. I don’t suppose she’ll be wanting this at 14 so make the most of it.

Maybe try and change it up a bit. Read to her downstairs and send her up to get ready on her own. Let her read to herself in bed and go in at 9:30 or 10 to turn the light off and give her a kiss if she's still awake?

Haven't read to my 13yo for a long while but he has more recently wanted us to sit in his room reading while he reads.

This has kind of stopped now as he'd rather be on his own, so we leave him reading and he turns his own light out.

Tbh I was quite a bit younger than 10 when my mum stopped staying with me at bedtime, and although i read to myself, that time alone in bed for me was when my trichotillomania used to manifest itself. I'm not blaming her, but I definitely know that's a particularly sensitive time of day for kids. So I've always followed their lead.

DD was reading to herself at this age but both of us say goodnight every night, and one of us always goes in for a goodnight chat and check in before she goes to sleep even at 18!

My view is they grow up so fast and one day you’ll miss reading to them. I also think 12 can be a funny age, clinging to the last moments of being a young child before teenage years come so they often need you more than ever at this point.

OP DD1 who is 11.5 sounds a lot like.

Always spun out bedtime since she was a baby!

I think it is tiredness and treat as such. She still has a bedtime routine which I am strict about but she does read to herself -

7.30pm iPad / screens off (she does not have a phone)

Before 8pm, bath as needed then into jamas and teeth

Quiet reading time (she started reading to herself a couple of months back

8.45pm into bed, hugs and lights out

(9.10 pm, drift downstairs claiming my toes itch, I heard a funny noise... 🙄)

She is fast asleep by 9.30 usually.

Preteens and teens need sleep!

Morning all thank you for all your comments - some are just so lovely!
I like the idea of reading together, that might work nicely for her.
Also a lot of you said bedtime is when kids tend to open up and tell you more about their day - I totally agree!! So I wouldn’t want to miss that at all.

Bedtime takes a lonnnng time - usually 1.5-2 hours before she actually goes to sleep, so I send her off about 8pm for a shower (she wouldn’t think to herself to go she’d sit all night watching tv/ drawing etc if I didn’t tell her to go) with the aim of her going to sleep by 9:30, but it’s getting nearer to 10 and particularly this week, I can tell she is tired and could do with a bit longer. She gets up at 6:20 for school. This could be later but it can take her 40mins just to wash her face and put her uniform on 🙈🙈 so probably getting just enough sleep.

Thank you everyone for your advice I will try some of these ideas out x

My 12 yo goes to bed independently about 9. Reading this starting to feel a bit remiss about not tucking her in! She has to get up at 6.30.

12yo goes to bed on her own - if we’re all hanging out we’ll tell her to put on PJs/brush teeth, and then maybe all cuddle on the sofa for a bit, or she’ll put herself in bed and read. She prefers to read to herself but we always talk about what she’s reading! She will come and find us and give kisses and cuddles before she goes to bed. We live on one level though so she’s not trotting upstairs alone, we pop heads round doors all the time. But not many bed snuggles any more.

I learn more about what is going on in my 12yo’s life from bedtime chats than any other time.

We read together sporadically. We both love it.

Can I suggest you look at buying a Yoto box or downloading some audiobooks to listen to before bed as opposed to you reading. Yoto has loads of options for older kids

Yes (13yo). He’s been having worries about dreaming so I’ve been reading both boys to sleep. It’s not forever, so I’m happy to do it.

My DD takes herself up for a shower at 8.30, then has a long skin care regime (!) so finally gets into bed for about 9.30. She might pop down for a glass of water to take to bed, but that’s it.

DD is 12 and has been doing this since 11. Even before that, I don’t remember taking her to bed for a year or so.

I don’t understand reading a book at bedtime to a 10+ aged child - surely they just want to read their book or listen to the Alexa by themselves?

She goes up for a shower at 8pm, it’s not lights out at 8pm.

I wasn’t with my 2 DDs. I was going in to say goodnight them leaving them to it. Ds is 12 now and needs me to go in and settle him. We have a chat, kiss goodnight he always asks me “ what do if I can’t get to sleep?” And I reply “just chill out and relax” he can be quite anxious though.

Our daughter hasn’t let us read to her since she was about 8 as reading aloud is ‘too slow’. We were sad about that. But still wanted us to tuck her in etc. Think from around 11 she was happy to go up on her own but still comes to us now for a hug and a kiss to say goodnight most nights. She’s 13 now and some nights we aren’t totally sure if she’s gone to bed or not as she’ll shower and then not reappear. Then I feel a little guilty!

More often than not though at the moment I’m having to remind her it’s time to get ready for bed. Not sure if maybe I’m expecting her to sleep too early (I like her ready for bed by 9pm)

I put my child to bed yes.
She's 12.
I read to her sometimes. Not every night. Depends how late it is.
I don't think 8 o clock is too early for a 12 year old's bedtime. Not for a school day anyway when you have to be up.

But i don't mind putting her to bed

Although I have to say we don't get any bedtime chats out of her like people say on here!

Yes, sleep needs differ and 8pm could be a perfectly reasonable bed time for a 12 year old getting up early for school. Mine have to be up at 6 and 10 hours sleep would be ideal for them! Unfortunately they don’t often get it due to clubs/homework etc.
My 11 year old actually needs 10-11 hours ideally. Thankfully she catches up at weekends.

The OP clarified that she’s being sent for her shower at 8pm regardless.

My granddaughter is 8 and takes herself off to bed! She has a story read downstairs, then off she goes. My own two did the same thing…we read downstairs and they took themselves off to bed.

I certainly can’t imagine a 12 year old (in high school) needing this.

Ds just turned 13 and he gets himself ready for bed and I go up between 9 and half past to put his tv off (high rise bed so he doesn't have to climb down) and take his phone off him to charge downstairs.
Its pretty early compared to his friends but he likes the routine and hes an early riser so works for us.