Please help me help our son

[Angelasweetcheeks]

My DS is 15. He is number 3 of 4. The others all have a somewhat similar nature to each other but he has always been less confident and outgoing.

We are really struggling to get him to take any kind of responsibility to do anything. When I say anything, I really mean it. Left to his own devices and without specific instructions he will complete the bare minimum of tasks. For instance, he won't put his contact lenses in, I'm not always convinced that he'd brush his teeth. I came home from work the other day and he hadn't changed out of his pyjamas, hadn't opened the curtains in his room, had eaten Weetabix for lunch because he couldn't be bothered to heat the food that was left in the fridge. He won't remember to let the dogs out regularly or feed them. He takes no care of his belongings. It is pointless spending any money on things for him as he just drops them when he's finished with them. He had some post today and opened it and left the packaging on his bedroom floor. He had some cereal and left his bowl and the milk out. He gets an allowance each month which he fritters away on junk food and then needs extra money if he wants to do anything with his friends (I give him this because actually it wouldn't bother him at all if I said no, he'd just stay at home). No matter how much we try to adapt or support, nothing changes.

Screens are a huge issue and today we have removed them all. He has friends - neighbours and kids from school but he makes no effort to see them. He's lucky that they seem to be happy to take the lead in the friendship.

He is taking GSCE's this year and getting him to complete any form of revision is just painful. He doesn't argue or become aggressive. He just doesn't do it - I'll ask him to get his textbook for instance and he'll disappear and not return. So I have to ask again, and again and again. Every little task is painful. Unfortunately for him, if he doesn't get the grades he needs then he will be forced to leave his current school. I know this isn't what he wants (he would struggle in a new environment) but he won't do anything to make it not happen.

I feel like I am constantly down on him because it's just so frustrating and I probably back away because I'm really struggling to cope with it at the moment.

I don't know how to help him. I'm worried for his future. I'm worried about what life will look like for him.

Any advice gratefully received (he is not ND but does have some traits).

Please get him assessed for ADHD

Yes lots of those traits sound very like my son who has ADHD.

I feel your pain. My ds is 18 and I've spent years of angst over him. I've began to drop all expectations and now just trying to see him as who he is. Don't compare him to his siblings and try and tell him how proud you are!
I've spent years worrying and preying and my anxiety is sky high at times but he's a great person and doing things his way. It's frustrating so i understand

Yep. Sounds very much like adhd to me too.

Whilst he displays some traits of inattentive ADHD, I don't believe that this is it and there are certainly elements which don't fit.

He shows no desire to engage with anything. For instance, I will ask him to open his curtains when he is stood right next to them. When I walk past again, it still won't have been done. I will have to ask at least three times for it to happen. He's stood right there, there's no reason for him not to do it right then and there but it takes me saying do it now, whilst I am watching, for him to do it. It's not like he's cross with himself because he can't do it, he just doesn't want to. The same can be said of many things.

ADHD. And probably autism, too.

And once he's diagnosed, and on medication, you'll see a difference.

We did go through similar with my eldest son who is now 21. He has now come into his own. The difference though is that DS1 was more academically able (so could get away without doing the work) and was also much more gregarious. He didn't actually get into his first choice 6th form but that didn't matter as he happily went elsewhere where he also didn't do the work but passed enough A'Levels to be able to do a Foundation Year at uni. He took a year out and is now in his second actual year getting Firsts because it's on his terms.

DS2 is quite socially anxious (although he would never admit to that) so a new college or sixth form will be a real challenge for him.

Sounds like screen addiction could be playing a part.

I do feel like this is a problem. Unfortunately my husband is not always on the same page as me. He thinks they should be allowed to develop their self-control. He is very much the tech person in our house and I find that he undermines me on this quite a bit (removes screen limits, let's them go on an Xbox without checking that basics have been completed etc).

We have taken the screens away tonight so it will be interesting to see what happens.

This all sounds like fairly normal teenager behaviour to me.

A friend of our DD had a Mum that was very intense and nagged her incessantly and she just shut down…she didn’t answer back she just became very quiet and monosyllabic and didn’t seem to care about anything anymore…and in time an eating disorder and self harm began. It was excruciating to watch as her Mum was lovely and meant well and was really worried about her but her behaviour was a real problem.

If he doesn’t open his curtains, does that really matter? If he eats Weetabix for lunch does that really matter? If he doesn’t put his contact lenses in - as long as he can safely see what he needs to, does it really matter?

I understand your concern if he doesn’t do well in his exams but if what you’re doing in that regard is not working then consider that keeping doing the same could make the situation worse.

It certainly won’t help if he’s heard you say the other three children are better than him, and he’s certainly not likely to develop any sense of responsibility if you constantly nag him and make all his decisions for him.

Maybe take a big step back.

Yes he does need to wear contact lenses - they are myopia control ones which need to be worn daily.

Yes he does need to eat properly because he is already underweight.

If he fails his GCSE's the next phase will be ten times harder.

Certain things are the basics in life. They are none negotiable. I have a responsibility as his parent to show him what those are to enable him to function in society. Asking someone to put their own bowl away does not make me a nag.

@Angelasweetcheeks if you ask him why hasn’t he put his bowl away / let dogs out etc what does he say? And when you say ‘I have asked you four times now to go and have a shower whilst I’ve been stood here waiting , why haven’t you done it?’ What does he respond?

He does sound like he has adhd or demand avoidance.

@Angelasweetcheeks I applaud you for not jumping on the MN ND bandwagon as excuse for any tricky behaviour.
Typical teenager is one factor. As far as school is concerned he is also child 3 out of 4 so may feel the pressure of older sibling achievement. Screen addiction can bring about brain changes that manifest in a similar way to ADHD so that could be an issue too. And it isn’t uncommon for teens just to get disaffected with school and learning once it gets to the pressure cooker of GCSEs.
Pick your battles. Make the non negotiables for important things. If he under performs in his GCSEs college might be a better fit - he might struggle initially with the change but it could turn things around for him.

It does sound like there are some things here that are genuinely concerning and need to be addressed (like screens and studying). However, many of the things you mention don’t seem like problems to me. Eating cereal for a lunch or dinner seems fine, particularly for a teenager. It’s lazy but I like to do that occasionally myself when I’m on my own. Having a messy room (along the lines of leaving some packaging from the post on the floor for part of one day) is not ideal but seems extremely normal. I don’t really see the problem with leaving blinds closed, either. Even staying in pajamas for a lazy day now and then seems fairly harmless. I certainly loved to do that as a teenager. If I could do it now, I would!

I would try to focus on the things that really matter - to me that’s basic hygiene, studying, and screen time - and dial back the pressure on everything else.

I leave my curtains in the bedroom shut all day.

The contact lenses, not feeding the dog and studying are the main issues there. Everything else may just be teen laziness. I used to say to mine if you don’t do well and end up poor you just won’t have nice stuff and I am not bailing you out. If his room is a tip just shut the door.

If he has adhd, which he may not, he wont be able to hold an instruction like 'open the curtains' in his head. so when you say it, he will think 'yep i will do that in a min' and then he will get distracted and forget. The only reason my son doesnt do this all the time is that from a very young age we have explained that he cant remeber things like this and so if we ask him to do something he has to do it straight away or it will never get done. Even with this i still usually have to remind him to do stuff 3or 4 times.

If he has adhd it will also make it impossoble for him to regulate his own screen time without huge amounts of support. Adhd is to do with a lack of dopamine, so lots of people with adhd get addicted to things because they give them the dopamine hit they need.

Also if you have adhd you can fidget a lot which means you need a higher calory intake than other people and also, you can easily get distracted and forget to eat, or be overwhelmed by food choices and not bother because it is too hard.

He could not have adhd but the reason several people are suggesting it is because it would explain a lot of the different issues that you have identified.

this is literally adhd. He had no dopamine and so no desire to do ANYTHING even if it benefits him. It’s not the laziness you seem to think it is, can’t you see he’s the one who is not benefiting by not being able to engage? He is a person in his own right and not an extension of you or your body. The fact that he is so different to his siblings is a big factor too. This isn’t a parenting issue. It’s a brain/mood regulation issue.

Those things simply aren’t important to him.

I wholeheartedly agree with taking screens away. If he does have adhd or asd, screens will become his whole life. Don’t allow that to happen, for his sake.

As far as revision goes, get some advice. I have adhd, and revision for me was just staring at a book with nothing going in. I can’t learn like that. I’m sure revision techniques have moved on since the 80s though.

Your first priority is to get him through his GCSEs. Can you afford a tutor? So he has someone who makes sure he's up with his homework and understanding his coursework.

The rest of it you'll just have to keep at it in a low-impact way. Teenagers are self-absorbed and have no interest in domestic dross like tidy room tidy self etc. You have to corral them through it through gritted teeth.

I’d look at his screen use first and reduce that. Sd was like this and addicted beyond what I thought possible to screens. She wouldn’t eat get dressed, hygiene and school work non existent she just wanted her screens.

Yes inattentive adhd screamed out at me too.

I have an autistic ds who also has another (physical) neurological condition and his executive function skills are dire!

He won’t complain about anything he’s asked to do but won’t think to do something unless specifically told (300 times!)

I think you need to pick your battles. Things he’s doing wouldn’t bother me with my teen- not opening her curtains (her choice), eating weetabix (could be worse), leaving a package on his bedroom floor (bid deal- who is it harming)

not letting the dogs out or spending too much time on screens would be a big no no.

When he is in the right mood (as opposed to being teenage and wanting to wind you up for the sake of it) which of these are things he would agree are issues?

Choose to tackle first the issues that actually, you both agree are impoartabt.

I would guess he would agree that contact lenses are important.

Weetabix - well if he eats enough, is that a problem? If that is what he wants to eat?

Anything to do with his bedroom should be up to him. You can probably breeze in a say ‘sunlight is free’ and draw the curtains, but I don’t see an issue with him leaving post in his room.

Leaving a bowl out is normal teenager. Ask him to put it in the dishwasher. Ask again. Leave it and then when he wants something from you, remind him the bowl is still out. Don’t nag. Don’t get angry, just stay matter of fact.

Revision is hardest. He is presumably coming up to year end exams? Offer to help. Build in small rewards. Could his elder siblings help with revision/testing?

Take the tech. Or at least use it as leverage. When you've cleaned your room/ done your hw etc you can have it back.

Teenage boys can be very passive. Would glasses be better? I would never have coped with contact lenses as a teenager lol. Are they daily throwaway? I've never had monthly ones you have to clean, god no!

The first post after yours was get him tested for ADHD. I knew it would be. Fgs. Can a teenage boy not be lazy passive and playing computer games too much without being diagnosed with something. Ludicrous.