Please help me help our son

[Angelasweetcheeks]

My DS is 15. He is number 3 of 4. The others all have a somewhat similar nature to each other but he has always been less confident and outgoing.

We are really struggling to get him to take any kind of responsibility to do anything. When I say anything, I really mean it. Left to his own devices and without specific instructions he will complete the bare minimum of tasks. For instance, he won't put his contact lenses in, I'm not always convinced that he'd brush his teeth. I came home from work the other day and he hadn't changed out of his pyjamas, hadn't opened the curtains in his room, had eaten Weetabix for lunch because he couldn't be bothered to heat the food that was left in the fridge. He won't remember to let the dogs out regularly or feed them. He takes no care of his belongings. It is pointless spending any money on things for him as he just drops them when he's finished with them. He had some post today and opened it and left the packaging on his bedroom floor. He had some cereal and left his bowl and the milk out. He gets an allowance each month which he fritters away on junk food and then needs extra money if he wants to do anything with his friends (I give him this because actually it wouldn't bother him at all if I said no, he'd just stay at home). No matter how much we try to adapt or support, nothing changes.

Screens are a huge issue and today we have removed them all. He has friends - neighbours and kids from school but he makes no effort to see them. He's lucky that they seem to be happy to take the lead in the friendship.

He is taking GSCE's this year and getting him to complete any form of revision is just painful. He doesn't argue or become aggressive. He just doesn't do it - I'll ask him to get his textbook for instance and he'll disappear and not return. So I have to ask again, and again and again. Every little task is painful. Unfortunately for him, if he doesn't get the grades he needs then he will be forced to leave his current school. I know this isn't what he wants (he would struggle in a new environment) but he won't do anything to make it not happen.

I feel like I am constantly down on him because it's just so frustrating and I probably back away because I'm really struggling to cope with it at the moment.

I don't know how to help him. I'm worried for his future. I'm worried about what life will look like for him.

Any advice gratefully received (he is not ND but does have some traits).

I would be very careful OP about taking posts commenting on your son's brain dopamine level seriously. Dopamine levels in the brain is a theory at best.

This was my first thought. I have taught several ND children and he sounds quite typical.

I would let him off everything but the revision right now.
if he is 15 he’s young for his year. I would do ‘body doubling’ while he revises at kitchen table for instance or just actively revise with him.

I was actually thinking depression more than anything.. can you talk to him and say you’re worried about him and all the reasons ie what he isn’t doing, and say you think he needs to go to the doctor.

Sounds like ADHD and if so removing the screens and his access to an online world is disastrous. He needs more support not less. He likely has problems with organising himself and with procrastination. If so regular sensitive reminders can help. Don't expect too much, help him to function, try to reduce his stress. See the Senco at school for more support.

As a son with ADHD this was what he was like at this age

Sounds like my son at his age. Reduce the screens is really the best way to de-zombie. In the real world they meet girls. Gamechanger.

Thanks for all the comments. He is such a lovely sweet boy. We don't compare him to his siblings but I know that must be difficult for him sometimes as they are all high achievers in one area or another and they get attention for that. They get frustrated at him because he gets praise and attention for doing things they do as part of their normal routine i.e. doing homework or walking the dog for instance. It is very hard to get the balance right. It probably doesn't help that he is massively physically immature. He has started growing this side of Christmas but his voice hasn't broken and he has no body hair yet (the same happened with my eldest son) so he's having to deal with puberty as well as the stress of GCSEs.

He is still not talking to me for removing his screens but it will pass. I have hugged him and told him I love him despite the stony glare. We just need get through this stage and come out the other side.

Good luck!

Bold move but I think a good one. See what comes of it…

I also agree there is likely undiagnosed ND here, also depression.

Drag him to the GP?

I mean..he sounds both possibly neurodiverse (you mention avoiding friends_ ) but I also think this falls within the personality type for some teen boys!

You seem angry that he has different standards of tidyness and work than you do. He is a teenage boy! They just don't care - well some of them don't

My son is a lot like this although is he more sociable - I think it's within 'normal' doesn't mean it's not hard to witness

I would really drop the pathologising and anger.

He may be ND but being angry won't help. And how he behaves now does not necessarily mean life later will be harder.

really disagree that ADHD kids 'need' screens.

this is why modern childhood is plagued with anxiety - ADHD kids need to move! to be in the world, to feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement - not to get stuck addicted and indoors gaming all the time

I think some gaming is fine / fun/ good for kids socially - but ADHD kids absolutely do not 'need ' it as some sort of health benefit

If you live with a teen boy you see how addictive that gaming can be - it really makes the outside world gray and less appealling.

You did come across as one in your OP.

Try picking your battles carefully (exams, lenses, teeth definitely) and drop everything else (cereal for lunch, opening curtains, wearing pjs etc.. not important).

Perhaps try to be less harsh with him as he sounds like he’s struggling

Sounds like you are comparing him unfavourably to his ‘high achieving’ siblings

Ffs, don't take up counseling... What shitty advice. Of course he'll need his contact lenses for Heaven's Sake. He'd be half blind without them, probably. Don't bother if he has a poor diet? Holy Fuck...

😂

Few too many vinos tonight…?

Agree @LoyalMember

@OnlyOneAdda are you even a parent? U don't have boys apparently. What odd advice from a.mother or indeed father

I have a ds teenager and I would be worried about him too. And mine can be lazy and eat the easy food but this is a bit beyond normal.

@Angelasweetcheeks i'd look to get some intervention but it's tricky for teenage boys to engage with people about feelings and stuff. So I think it's quite a personal choice how to do this / know what or who would engage him

Good luck

I don’t know if this is possible, but can you take some time off work and just be with him every day until exams? Do a revision timetable with him with short stints and loads of breaks and sit with him in his room and actively revise with him. Even if it’s you writing out the flash cards. Make it as simple as possible for him. Be in his room with him rather than being elsewhere and getting him to bring the book to you (which is another demand that doesn’t happen). Take him out to lunch as a reward for doing a bit of revision. Make it as easy as possible for him given that this period is already so stressful and try to reduce any unnecessary demands (ie tidying his room). I did this recently with my son who is also very difficult to motivate and he did engage (I was shocked). But I had to be with him all the time and I did let him stay in pjs all day if that’s what he wanted . Although it is obviously burdensome to have to take the time out to do this and it would be better if he just did it, it might work and it could actually bring you closer and he might secretly appreciate it.

@Goldenclaspclassic mumsnet…you disagree with me so you must be not a parent / a man 🙄

No I don’t have boys, didn’t realise that disqualified me from an opinion.

DD1 is well behaved and polite, sociable, gets excellent school reports for both effort and achievement and is a generally a pleasant well adjusted human being with a busy schedule of 4 A Levels and a host of extra curriculars…she also almost never opens her bedroom blinds, sometimes eats porridge for dinner and sometimes doesn’t bother to put her contacts in (she wears glasses or can see well enough without them for some household activities…I did say as long as he can safely see what he needs to FFS).

My view, which I don’t think is that odd but you of course are entitled to think so, is that if you nag about every single thing big and small equally rather than picking your battles then kids can switch off, and don’t learn to think for themselves, and regress to behaving like toddlers. Focusing on what’s important and where possible allowing our teens to make their own decisions (even when they aren’t the decisions we would have made) has been successful for us. And as I noted in my original post, a friend of DDs completely shut down / developed some really unhealthy behaviours because of a very intense (though well meaning and caring) nagging mother.

I’m not saying that all of OPs DS behaviours are unimportant / non-concerning - I’m saying that focussing on all of them including the (imHo) unimportant ones may be worsening the situation overall and lessening the impact of what she says about the important stuff. And that if he’s got wind she sees his siblings as superior then that won’t be helping.

I stand by what I said 🤷‍♂️

@OnlyOneAdda you seem to feel the need to justify your wonderful "parenting" a bit too much in my opinion over 2 posts and little irrelevant anecdotes

I've said very little about my child so not sure why you are taking the effort to write so much back and try and pick on what I said... that i nag my children.

In a nutshell i said teenage boys are tricky and I'd suggest an intervention. Now I don't know what shape or form that takes as I don't know the op. But it could be an older cousin chatting to him in a non confrontational way as they are out for a walk or whatever or round their grans.

That was my point. My only point regarding op.

Regarding you I agreed with the other poster and yes stand by the fact that u r a man or non parent or if I am way off and you are in some shape a parent- have far too much time on your hands to pass over your star "parenting" tips.

I've written too much now.

I'm with @OnlyOneAdda on this and I'm a parent to teenage boys. A mother of a teenage boy can definitely be overkill. Teenage boys, teenagers in general, are trying to separate - psychologically.

There are too many parents currently who refuse to look at their own behaviour and attitude and end up pathologising the teenager - ADHD, Autism, PDA and on and on, when actually it's the parent(s) being a nightmare.

Sounds identical to my son who is diagnosed with ADHD (and the assessor suggested he may well also want to look into an assessment for Autism as he shows some Autistic traits).