Advice from parents who have successfully navigated the teenage years

[Homelifesun]

I am forever questioning my parenting. For those who have successfully raised teens can you please give me some tips/advice?

Oh and don't bitch about their friends. Make them feel welcome too.

Agree with pp who say the love, trust, respect and communication have to be there before adolescence strikes as ultimately it is the quality of your relationship that will stop them going seriously off the rails.

Other than that, change your style of parenting from top down to side ring supporter. Step back and give them responsibility for their own decisions as much as possible, rely on natural consequences for the rest, and only step in if their personal safety or mh is endangered, and adopt a two-pronged position of belief in them and curiosity about how they will handle a certain situation. For everything else, pick your battles and don’t take everything they say or do personally. Ninety per cent of the time the angst is about them, not you.

Also example, example, example. Be a good role model. Live a fulfilling life! Walk the walk don’t just talk the talk. Teens are very aware of what we do, rather than what we say. So if you want them to grow up hard-working, loving, respectful, curious about the world, brave, resilient etc then it very much helps if you imbue those qualities too … and most of us are far from perfect … but the important thing is they see us genuinely trying and failing and trying again. And we need to show that growing up to be an adult isn’t all stress and problems and can be fun!

In other words, so much of parenting teens is focused on what we don’t want them to be doing but imho equally important is demonstrating how to live a balanced, meaningful and happy life, as that’s not an easy thing to achieve,

The other thing op, as someone who used to question my parenting at all times, is to chill a bit, your teens need you to be calm and positive in a realistic way.

The fact that you are questioning yourself continually op probably means that you are already a thoughtful and sensitive parent which means you probably are doing a great job. So relax! I never believed people when they said that a mother needs to be happy to be a good parent but honestly I think this applies to teens very much indeed.

So do everything you can to support your own anxiety, mood, mh etc and that in turn will help your dc. Dont continually question yourself to the extent that you are always anxious and you drive your mh in to the ground. If your teens are stressing you out, seek support for yourself first and foremost, as teens are like laser missiles when it comes to sniffing out our weaknesses 😄. And they need is to be a steadying hand while they negotiate the ups and downs, good
luck!

PS One last thing, when they get a bit chippy or know-it-all or frustrated, it means they need some more challenges in their life, and something do which is slightly above their current capabilities! 😉

‘Teens’ is a wide age variation. And you need to parent the teens that you have, they are all different and one size does not fit all.

What worked for me was being flexible rather than rigid and respecting their boundaries too. They didn’t have bedtimes by secondary school. If they were tired in the morning, maybe have an earlier night tonight.

I always knocked before going into their bedrooms and respected their need for privacy.

Their bedrooms were theirs. If it was a mess, it was upto them if they wanted to tidy it or not.

Washing had to be in the laundry basket, I wasn’t going hunting, but I’d give a final warning before putting a load on.

With going out, when I was a teen, my DM didn’t tell me when I could and couldn’t go out. But I had to tell her where I was going, who with, and how I was getting back. I did the same with mine. I also had money in the porch for an emergency taxi if needed and they knew I would come out to get them if they were ever stuck.

I offered lifts because being in the car is a great, pressure free chance to chat. Remember, their world is different to the one you grew up in, so be prepared to listen.

Mine also knew thatDH and I weren’t perfect. I smoked in my 20s and we drink. DC were allowed wine with dinner if they wanted but usually said no. Alcohol is no big deal.

Finally, take them and their thoughts seriously, even if you don’t agree. Discuss, don’t dismiss and agree to disagree.

This worked for my two. They are both lovely, tidy, hardworking twentysomethings.

Some really good advice here. Thank you, I will write main ones down as reminders.

I will add a few I have learned, DC have taught me.

Don’t raise them with fear or anxiety but have boundaries. Ashawanda and exercise are helping me with this.

Accept them, love them, respect their opinions, feelings. They are their own person with their own personality.

Give them space but keep an eye, don’t leave them completely to their own devices.

Listen, truly listen. Still working on this.

Safety and respect for themselves and others are not negotiable.

I think I was a perfect teen 😂 I probably have amnesia.

Don’t sweat the small stuff - save the battles for the things that really count.
Negotiate. Rather than set an ‘in’ time, ask them what they think is reasonable. They’re more likely to comply if they’ve had input.
Get their friends on side. We welcomed them all and they were often our best defenders when our own kids were having a moan.
Both parents are equally important - and if you’re a single parent, try to bring in GPs or aunts and uncles. It’s a lonely battle on your own and you become the focus, not the request/rule. We all need back up.

Remember they are not adults. Their prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed and they will be impulsive, immature and make stupid decisions. None of those things are abnormal or means they’re “bad”. Don’t compare with other people’s teens or think they’re better parents than you if they have “perfect” teens. In most cases it’s just down to luck. Finally don’t take things personally. They may be a time where they don’t want to do stuff with you, are argumentative and sullen. Again, all normal. Doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

Totally agree and also their development is rarely linear or even, so they can suddenly start excelling in one area but remain daft as a brush in another!

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread; it has been very helpful as I feel the teenagers years landed on me with no preparation whatsoever; one day I was spending most of the time with them, and the next they were out and about exploring the world and dealing with puberty, school pressure, ups and downs moods, etc.

Some fab advice on here. 2 pieces of advice I picked up at a teen parenting forum once, echoing what’s been said on here. True for some but not all obviously!
The 2 questions we usually ask when they get in the car after school are “how was your day?” And “what did you do?”. At this point they’ve been at school all day, answering questions and being “on”. So resist the urge to get them talking in the car, let them rest and have a bit of down time. (Unless they want to chat obviously!). I thought our car journeys were sullen and silent but then realised my son was actually just enjoying the peace!

As PP said, they also said before bed is the most common time teens want to chat, something about being more relaxed as sleep hormones start to rise. This was very true for my lot. Even now my bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus if I go to bed before them!

Don’t be too strict - have boundaries but don’t ‘forbid’ things, make sure if you don’t want them to do something you talk about why you are worried about them doing it. Give them a safe space to make mistakes and learn from them while making it clear you have their back if things go wrong.

For example, something like alcohol - it is better to permit them trying it at home than forbidding it then them trying it out with friends and trying to hide it from you.

You also have to let them grow up, gradually giving more freedom as they get older. While still at school you’ll need to have more boundaries than once they are at college, for example.

Teenagers are harder work than toddlers because their mistakes tend to have bigger consequences.

I can’t help, my youngest is 18 next month and still asks if he can go out after college 🤣

all I can say is do things with them. Days out, movie nights etc. make sure they’re aware that you enjoy their company.

The advice has been very helpful and encouraging to help teen navigate this tricky stage in their life. Thank you