Advice from parents who have successfully navigated the teenage years

[Homelifesun]

I am forever questioning my parenting. For those who have successfully raised teens can you please give me some tips/advice?

Yes, that's what I was trying to say but you've expressed it a lot more clearly @MarmaladeorJam

And actually yes, @JustGiveMeReason .

We always eat together, every morning and every night. Incredible ground gets covered during meal times.

That is something I notice and am always surprised by - the amount of families that do not eat together.

Bloody hell - that just clarified something me!

Thank you.

I think you are right.

We dont judge, and we are open and honest about mistakes we have made. This means they feel ok about sharing with us.
Dont fight their battles, but talk to them and give them the tools to fight them themselves

I’ve gotten four through the teenage years, two still to do. My best tip? Don’t let the family drift in to the habit of separating off in to multiple rooms constantly…have family dinners still, or family weekly boardgame nights, family bike rides, bake together regularly, something. That way they still feel you enjoy their company, they still remember that actually they do enjoy yours too.

Remember things like friends’ names, or favourite teachers’ names, and use them whilst chatting…not interrogating…chatting.

Explain why you’ve put constraints in to place, they may not agree but at least they will know the ‘no’s were not arbitrary and because you hate them. Discuss safety measures, respect measures (for family and wider world).

Keep the channels of communication open. One of mine would come to me very late at night sometimes to talk, and I was so tired it would have been easy to say “Oi go to bed, we’ll talk tomorrow”. But I knew if they needed to talk then there was something truly unsettling them that may never come out if I postponed it. (Our respect measures usually include not disturbing family sleep after 10pm for example but they’d come to me quietly and I’d know whatever it was had been building)

In my opinion the door slamming stage is an essential development stage. DD1 went through it at 15. By 19 she was the loveliest human again.

DD2 did not go through the door slam stage and neither did I to our detriment. I think it helps transition from dependency to being a separate adult with autonomy. But that is just my theory.

I have always been very open to listening and explaining any subject. They know I am unshockable (fake it until you make it).

I also recognise that when my eldest was giving fake reasons not to go to school that was a sign she needed a mental health day at home. She knew I knew she was making excuses. And I knew she was overwhelmed and needed a break.

The guiding their decision making is hard. On the one hand you need to let them make key decisions about their own lives but know when to gently step in.

We were talking about this last night. Dd2 is year 12 and we had her parents evening. Effusive teachers all clearly very fond of her predicted AAB in academic subjects she loves. So absolutely thriving in the most academic 6th form in town.

She said on the way home thank god she had not gone to the local vocational college for those that had not passed England maths GCSEs which at one stage she had been determined to do 🙈. We couldn’t stop her but it was so obviously wrong for her. We took her to the open day there and emphasised how respected a levels are. Thankfully she made the right choice herself eventually but it was stressful!

Agree with so many PP about not being a friend, choosing your battles, etc. I never made alcohol taboo despite being teetotal (my 3 adult DC rarely touch alcohol).
One thing I always said was no matter where they were or what time, I would go and get them no questions asked. That I might not be delighted to be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, but I'd be there.
Youngest DC is now 19 and at university, eldest is married in early thirties. I think I've been very fortunate.

Weve been veer fortunate too. We have never had door slamming or rudeness to us. We have always from when they could talk clamped down hard on rudeness or unkindness to us.

I am quite horrified by how many of our friends teens talk to them. They laugh and say that’s “how teens are” but that’s not how dh and I were to our parents and we certainly wouldn’t accept it either.

Don’t get into arguments, it just teaches them how to answer back.

Always apologise when you’ve got something wrong.

Don’t tolerate rudeness.

Teach them to be independent - chores have a purpose. In school holidays cook dinner once a week, my DD had t wash non school clothes from 14 and everything from post GCSE.
Teach them the value of money.
Along with listening etc.
My DD is 22 now and tells us she now understands why we did the things we did as once she was at uni she was one of the few who was able to properly be independent.

Make sure they have responsibilities, be it for specific chores, volunteering etc.
Have clear boundaries but don’t sweat the small stuff.
Personally, I never tolerate rudeness.
Most importantly, chat. Give them opportunities to talk at mealtimes (eating in room is a hard no) and in the car.

Maybe it was different for me as I had mine young. You DO need to be their friend. You need to find (or fake) a shared interest that when things get rough in the parent-child dynamic can still bring you together. I watched so many film franchises I couldn't really care less about, but that was our 'thing'. And aways be their cheerleader and let them know you have their back.

I have two successful, high flying adult children, male and female, who want to spend time with me, contact me spontaneously and are kind, decent human beings. So I feel qualified to comment 😃

We all make mistakes.

What I say a lot to people on here is... Listen. Always listen if you can and don't pontificate or tell them what they should do. You can tell them reasons why you think X not Y is a good decision. Then let them make their own decisions (up to limits). Like a limit = they can't be allowed to abuse you or others.

Your kids are becoming independent adults. You want to give them skills to make decisions they are happy with (not same as what you are happy with). That means acknowledging their autonomy & reminding them of their good priorities, such as doing the right thing. Young people are very idealistic. Lean into reminding them of their ideals. Remind them how they want to make decisions, what matters to them.

Also remind them that they deserve good things in life and that they don't want to make decisions that close doors to opportunities or mess up their dreams. Bad self-esteem leads to bad decisions so help them believe in themself.

Giving them autonomy means they will make mistakes. This is good learning most of the time. It's practice for adulting.

be strict but available and an unjudgmental ear to them, be open to their ideas and opinions

I did a lot of reading (about the teenage brain, psychological and emotional development) and reflected on my own reactions. Knowing when to walk away and what my own "triggers" are. Routines and structure , adequate warning of what's happening. Have fun together, and keep time for family time (insist on meals together as the default, but allow for exceptions) , movie nights, board games. Make their friends welcome and DON"T embarrass them!

I personally think that most of the parenting work has to be done before they reach the teen years. There’s a saying; “give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man”. That’s not to say that you can leave teens to it without any input, but the foundations need to be there.

When they are younger, teach them about respect, being nice to others, trying their best at school etc. Keep an eye on screens. Young children don’t need iPads etc. Be there for them, and listen. On car journeys, in restaurants etc, talk to them. Don’t plonk them in front of a screen for an easy life. As they get older, teach them about the dangers of being online and raise potential problems in a child appropriate way. Teach them how to stay safe online, because there’ll be a time when they’ll have full access to it. Be aware of what they are accessing online (we had hard lines on certain games/apps etc even during the early secondary school years). In general conversation, bring up the dangers of drugs etc. Give them reasons for rules.

As teens, don’t be too strict. Does it matter if they want a few piercings? Does it matter if they want to wear make up? Does they really have to be home by an exact, arbitrary, time if their friends are allowed out half an hour later? Pick your battles. If they swear now and again, just rise above it. They have probably had a bad day and are venting at home.

Eating as a family as much as possible is good, because they talk.

Accept that teens are hormonal and may be a bit grumpy sometimes. Give them a hug and ask if you can help with anything. Tell them you know it’s hard sometimes. Explain that life isn’t always easy and straightforward and teach them how to overcome problems.

Dh said to them that we would always say yes to them unless we had a clear reason to say no.

It’s great if you can find things you all enjoy. We all love meals out and the theatre / cinema and have brilliant evenings as a family going to these things. Even now they at 17 and 19 they are keen to come along (unless they have plans with friends!).

We have lots to talk about we all really like reading. Dh and I are quite similar in our interests and both our dds are similar to us too which makes it all easier. We have lots to talk about.

Be polite.
if your mum/aunt/neighbour left the pan dirty for the eighteenth time what would you say?
I take every event as a new one -‘Chico could you do that pan when you get a min? Brill, thank you’
it does slowly work

I was thinking exactly that too. My Dd now loves to come on holiday with us. She didn't want to for several years but now married with her own DC she jumps at the chance to come on holiday and Nanny to help with DGC so she and her DH get a night out alone.

Pick your battles! Best advice I ever got. I have 2 in their 20’s and dd is nearly 18. She has been much easier for me as I have been easier on her if that makes sense.
Talk to them about drinking,drugs, sex etc as openly as you can. Even if you’re dying inside just get your point across. Listen to them about after school choices. Not all kids want to go to university.
Tell them you love them and throw in an oul hug now and then. They are never too old.

@embolassyou have just described my eldest! Thanks for your post. It has made me feel better. He is almost 17 and its been so so hard. Hoping he comes through. At the moment I'm just praying he gets the GCSE grades he needs to go to college

Make time for them. I used to go on coffee dates with mine so they had my attention completely.

Car journeys are great to get them to ooe. Up -as they dont have to look you in the eye.

Be consistent no chop and changing

Expect things from Them. Ours had to cook dinner once a week and help with cleaning (this took many ways) and make their own lunch box

Support them. You know those shorts for primary kids about showing up and they give a huge smile. Well the teens need you to show up in their life experiences as well, do t expect the huge smile though..

Make sure they know they can ALWAYS blame you to their friends just ensure you know so you can back it up if neeeded. (Dont want to go do X " my mum wont allow it yeah she is so annoying..") this gives them a safe withdra for anything that is uncomfortable for them and supports their bond with you.

I have 4 children my youngest is now 22. I can tell you without a doubt my freeze frame year was the year they were all teenagers. Teenagers are great dont go in assuming the worst. I think that's the fault many make. If you put time in and remain steady in their life you create a great bond

Let them make their own mistakes and get themselves out of them too. Don't jump in too quickly to save the day. Their confidence and self reliance will grow if you are there to provide constant support, reassurance and love, but don't jump in to 'white knight' too quickly. My DH works with young people and says so many have been over parented that they haven't developed the basic life skills we took for granted at their age. Step back and let them get on with life.

Best advice I can give is to remember when you were a teen. I know I was stroppy, did not want to help in kitchen with meals or washyup or even keep my room tidy. I played loud music that annoyed my Mum and neighbours. I think I turned out ok. If your teen has a bad day remember the next morning is a new day, don't allow resentment from previous day into the next day. I have always told all of my DC everyday is a fresh day. I apologise if I've been in the wrong. I'm always there for a hug. I bite my tongue if I see them wasting money. I remember how much I wasted.