Advice from parents who have successfully navigated the teenage years

[Homelifesun]

I am forever questioning my parenting. For those who have successfully raised teens can you please give me some tips/advice?

Be present and listen is my biggest take from the teen years.

Pick your battles and your moment, but at the same time, don't lower your standards.

Pick your battles, you can’t win them all!

Pick your battles
Be their parent not their pal
My eldest was a real challenge, always difficult from young boy. Cheeky, awkward and would push all boundaries. Didn’t try at school was more taken with up with friends and football. He’s now 23 and the loveliest ,kindest, caring lad with a great work ethic (but v v occasionally his old self pops up 😂)
Keep consistent and it will pass. Teenage years are definitely worse than toddlers stage. Best of luck!

My teenager told me today I need to do "less mothering". I think that means don't remind him to make his packed lunch, never ask if he's got any homework to do, etc etc. So I'm here to listen to any words of wisdom too!

(sorry it's long, it was actually nice to think about it so I ended up rambling!)
What's working for us:

Don't let my ego/tiredness/authority prevent me from apologising when I'm in the wrong. I haven't been perfect, I've had alot of struggles and sometimes they've gotten the best of me. But I've always explained why I reacted the way I did and genuinely apologised afterwards. It's never been a hostile environment and I forgive them too, when they're having a moment. Don't let it drag on or be petty. My teens apologise to me, unprompted, naturally when they can see they've annoyed me. Or I'll get a text a short while later explaining why they've been abit grumpy. We're all human.

Don't expect perfection. I remember what I was like as a teen and it's a far cry from who/how I am now. I don't hold them to my standards. I don't expect them to clean every dish and pan if they've been cooking. But to do something, just meet me some way so I don't have to do it all. I'm happy if they put all the dirty dishes to the side and just wipe down the worktops/put weighing scales etc away. Either wash dishes or put the dry away.

Educate instead of berate. I found out one had been taking drugs. I'm glad he wasn't home for a while as I had to process it all and not let my fear turn into aggression or blow things out of proportion. I explained how he doesn't know what's in the drugs someone gave him. That people mix all sorts to make more profit and that they don't care about him, they only want to make money from him. Then we agreed he'd let me random drug test him. He knew the trust was broken and he understood it was because I loved him and wanted him to make better decisions. As a teen, he obviously isn't fully mature or understanding of the wider picture sometimes. If I took a hard stance, it's push him away. If I took a lacking stance, I'd be naive and stupid and pretty ignorant to the risks he might still put himself through. So the talk, agreement, acknowledgement and random drug test is working for us and it's been clean every time. Who knows what the future holds but that's what feels best for now.

I make time for them. I listen to them. I go sit with them and show an interest in what they're doing. They come to me and just sit for a natter or offer to make me a cuppa. They talk pretty openly with me. After seeing how some teens seem to close off from their parents, I'm quite proud that they still let me into their world and I can see it in them, when I choose to go sit with them for no reason, they like those moments too. I've no idea what they're talking about half the time but I ask questions and show an interest in the moment. I enjoy watching them play on the computer or listening to what they've learnt to play on the guitar/keyboard etc.

They're human. They're young. They're learning. They still need love and interest in them, even when it feels like they're in their own worlds. My parents never did anything with me. I wasn't able to voice an opinion. I wasn't valued. I'm trying to not repeat their mistakes while healing from what I went through. It's hard but I'm somehow winging it and things are going smooth. Two are working and one is going to college and working. Even if I am the one who needs to make sure college kid actually gets up. He'll find his way with his sleep routine/not snoozing his alarm, soon enough. I'm starting to set my alarm a little later so he's learning not to fully rely on me or he'll be rushing about.

Ha! That brought back fond memories.

After a few years out in the world doing it on their own, my sons (in their 20s) now realise how bloody lovely it was having someone to do all that stuff for you!

A good balance of them knowing they can come to you about anything whilst also being scary enough that they don’t want to break the rules (too much).

When they start pushing at boundaries, move the boundaries and give them additional room for manoeuvre. Explain that they are being given more freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility, and that you are looking forward to seeing them demonstrate that they can live up to that expectation.

Pick your battles, nod and smile at a lot of things, give them freedom let them do age appropriate things and don’t hold them back from your own fear. Laugh with them, take them out to do their things and be involved in their interests. Listen and advise not force or criticise. Give them strong work ethic and make them have Saturday jobs so they see other adults and life.

mine are adults now, very close and both stayed home for uni which showed the sort of home environment we created. They are successful and live life to the fullest

Patience, endless patience. They will mess up, but they are learning. As PP said- educate but don’t lecture. Support and encourage. Give them space, but keep boundaries. And yes, pick your battles.
One thing that helped me through was to remember the are pushing away because that’s what teenagers do. Nothing is personal.
I did find it hard that I needed to be ready to listen when they were ready to talk. So they needed me less than when they were younger, but I felt I was on ‘stand by’ much of the time.
Every so often, you will see a glimmer of the adult they are becoming. Treasure that- it will help you through the challenging times.

You’re not there to be their friend (or, heaven forbid, their best friend).

Default should be yes unless there is a good reason to say no. If there is, explain it to them, but be clear it’s not negotiable.

Have expectations of them. They can help with cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, and if they don’t, there will be natural consequences like no clean clothes.

But don’t expect perfection, or for things to be done your way or to your standards - yours were probably much lower at their age.

Listen.

Be consistent.

Have a few clear rules ours were:

1. Home by the hour of your year at school eg yr 7 home by 7 etc.
2. I need to know where you are, what your plans are but I won't track you.
3. Homework before screens always. No screens in bedrooms until after your GCSEs.
4. No sleepovers at parties I will collect you at an agreed time.
5. You must sit at the dinner table even if you don't want to eat.
6. If you call me I will come and get you.

Listen.
Be willing to compromise.
Don’t always jump in and try and find solutions, sometimes they know the solution and just want someone to listen and empathise.
Texts and notes can be less ‘naggy’.
Find fun as much as possible.
Don’t match anger, speak calmly when they’re raging. Walk away if you need to.
Everyone else’s Mum and Dad are almost always not ok with whatever it is BUT sometimes they are and you might want to rethink your stance.
Choreograph a Fuck Off dance for use when they’ve stormed off up to their room.

Meet them where they are.

as others said, pick your battles - and aim to enjoy the moments you have with them instead of nitpicking; they’ll be gone soon enough (DH, I’m looking at you)

Never threaten something you aren’t willing to follow through on.
Never back down just to shut them up, or for peace.
have hard boundaries where it matters, but be relaxed everywhere else. I won’t tolerate laziness, lying, rudeness, stealing etc. I will remove privileges for those things. I never cared too much about late bedtimes, experimenting with alcohol, having girlfriends over, what they wanted to wear or do to their hair etc.
Mine are now 28, 22 and 17, and are lovely humans

These are all very useful, Thank you and keep them coming. I arrived to the teen years without any warning and learning and adjusting every day. Have made some mistakes along the way.

Expectations, lay it out whatever it is. That was anything from chores (not paid, they don't get a choice) that homework was done every day, before tech. Family time, what lifts they could expect. Attitude, tone of voice and manners. When we walk through the door with shopping, they should help unpack it. We would not accept being spoken to like dirt on their shoe and then do favours for them.

Family meetings where they get to negotiate what they want, later bedtimes, money, etc. It makes them feel heard. We called them table talks, anyone could call one, they also understood that we may need to discuss things as parents and come back to them, so a decision may not be immediate.

Don't shout even if they are yelling. There was an expectation that everyone tried to communicate with talking, calmly. I was raised in a shouty household. I hated it. That a conversation can have a break in the middle of it for everyone to calm the fuck down.

A reminder that we too were once teens, that we are not doing things to spoil their fun but that we worry about them and love them enough to piss them off. There was a tv show where someone was pulled out of a party by their parent, the teen complained that everyone else was staying behind and the parent publicly said well I care about you their parents clearly don't.

That no matter how badly they fuck up we would help them moving forward and draw a line under it. The same if their friend fucked up, we could offer advice via our child. Sometimes problems are so big they need an adult to step in, that includes bullying and notifying the school.

We also set them up for success, their school timetable printed and put up in several places around the house including the back of the front door. Helped establish a routine for emptying their school bag, doing homework, packing their bag. Let them problem solve rather than doing it for them. Walk them through scenarios like what would you do if the bus didn't turn up? Let them try to figure it out before you wade in.

We showed them Harry Enfield and Chums with Kevin turning 13 and his general shitty attitude, although funny not something we would accept. We did do it back to them when they asked for lifts/food, the whole moaning, huffing, swinging arms for fun, you have to do humour.

Good luck.

Spend time with them.
Give them lifts. They talk in the car.
They talk and listen, and give you chance to listen much better when not face to face.... either in the car, or walking side by side with them, rather than facing you across a table , or across the room.

That said, it is still worth making the time to take them out for lunch, or a coffee or hot chocolate.

As everyone else has said, pick your battles, but be firm about your line / boundary that will not be crossed.

I read on here about 15 years ago to have a 'code word' . If your teen is ever in a situation they feel uncomfortable in - at a party or a friend's house - and they want out but don't want to lose face or be persuaded to stay by friends, they say the codeword to you in a phone call or text, and know that you will go and collect them. (Imaginary pet's name or a fave food or a place name that might not sound so odd to bring into a conversation).

Let them know that, whatever the time of night, you WILL collect them, from ANYWHERE without questions needing to be answered.

If there's moodiness etc...it's a sign they are struggling, not misbehaving.

We’ve all made mistakes, and any parent who says they got everything right first time, every time, all the time is lying or deluded.

So adding to my suggestions: don’t be afraid to apologise, and do change things if necessary. But balance that with believing in yourself and not second-guessing every action and decision. Plus, there’s not one ‘right’ way to do this.

Mine are in their 40s now, and finding their own way with their own teenagers, and it’s quite fascinating to see the things they do that are learned from me, and those that are definitely not! Despite that, they are doing a great job.

I think its very important to remember that some strife is inevitable, as their job is to pull away and your job is to let them go, but both of you still need to feel safe and progress is jagged. So: keep calm, while being honest and clear about when they are taking the piss.

Remember that they are their own people on their own path: I am as proud of my NEET 16 year old as I am of my university student.

They will think their generation invented sex, drugs and rock n roll. This can be useful as you need to be just a bit shockable so they can feel like right little rebels without having to go too far. Dont, whatever you do, be too cool for school, forcing them to transgress so many boundaries they scare themselves (thanks Mum). But on the serious stuff - unplanned pregnancy etc - keep calm and stay supportive.

Tolerate the unsuitable boyfriends and girlfriends. But take a very hard line on abuse and coercion.

Talk to them about sex, religion and politics. But mostly listen.

Allow them to still be your baby sometimes.

'You're being rude, please stop it' then walk away.

Have at least one thing you enjoy doing together and do it every week.

I've remembered another thing I did, which I think was helpful.

We always ate together, sat at the table, no TV / radio / phone scrolling. Had always done, it was just 'normal' not a new teenage rule. It made it easier for conversations. So I would drop conversations about situations they might find themselves in, in the coming years, in ways that gave them all chance to think about scenarios without them having to get defensive or worry about 'grassing up' any of their mates.
So, for example, I might say "I was talking to someone at work today and they were saying that their ds was offered drugs at school. Do people at school know where they can get drugs? Is it a common thing?" and I was sadly quite surprised to find out it was, but they knew it was something they could talk about with us, and we could talk in a theoretical way about 'what would you say if someone offered them to you?'.
We'd always had conversations where I'd ask them things like "What would you do if you came out of school and neither your CM or I were there one day?' and I think in the teens that just naturally led on to "What would you do if....." questions to do with being offered booze / cigarettes / drugs or witnessing bullying or witnessing homophobia or racism scenarios.

Of course, you never know that when the time comes, they will act as they tell you they are going to, but I always felt it at least meant they'd had time to think about things before they met the situations and go over ideas in their heads, or even with each other or with good friends.

then we'd talk openly about drinking - about how if helps if you down a pint of water between each drink, or to make sure you have eaten a decent meal before having any drink. Not banning things, but talking about doing things safely.

If I really want them to absorb something, I approach it sideways - "gosh, X told me Y. I thought this...what do you think?"

I approach ideas around drugs, sex, importance of money and so on that way.

I also approach conversations about sm, porn, Andrew Tate the same ish way - "I read that X...thoughts?"

It helps - they see it as a chat where we explore an idea rather than an order or a lecture.

Mine are fairly easy going and always have been actually. We are lucky with that.

But as someone said upthread, there are limits here and we are certainly the authority.