Dd and first boyfriend. I feel out of my depth.

[PortraitWay]

Dd 14 has been going out with a boy (also 14) for a few months. They see each other every other weekend. To start with they would meet up and walk around local park, cinema and bowling etc. Now however, I found out dd has been to his house.
We never agreed to any meetings at each other’s houses yet. Dd was at his house for several hours and they were supposed to be bowling and at a local arcade.
His parents were at home and it was only when they offered to drive dd back home that I found out.

I don’t know what is considered normal for this age. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was older and more mature.

My main concern is the fact they lied and I’m assuming spent time alone In his room. Dd says they watched a film but I don’t know if I can trust her after she lied.

Is this normal at this age? I don’t like the thought of house meetups and now have a phone tracker on which me and dd both decided to do.

What should I do if I find out she’s gone to his house again? I won’t be allowing it so it would be a case that she has lied to go there again.

As my title says I feel very out of my depth. The teenage years are very difficult l.

You’d be better off allowing it tbh unless you want to be lied to for years on end and kept out the loop forever more

Why are you uncomfortable about the meet up being in a house?
I would let them come to your house too (while you are there).
DS is a similar age and he and his girl friend spent the day at our house. They watched films and baked a cake and took the dog for a walk and chatted to me

Not allowing her to go to his house (which is an entirely normal thing to do I’m not sure why you’re so against it) will just encourage her to lie to you. Your best bet here is be calm, encourage open conversation so she knows she can talk to you, have him to your house so you can supervise. Expecting them to only meet outside at the weekend is a non starter.

If you are overly strict you are going to be lied to.

It's time to really reflect on your parenting and what rules you have and why

I think you are unusually strict.

If your DD is allowed to go to friends’ houses, she should also be allowed to go to her bf’s house IMO. The parents were there and offered her a lift home so it sounds as though they are engaged parents.

Maybe ask her to invite the bf to yours. That way you get to meet him and find out what he’s like and you also get to keep an eye on them. Fine in your own home to have rules like they’re not allowed in the bedroom, or DD is not allowed boyfriend round while parents are out.

I think the first to come to terms with, is that you can't prevent teens from having sex if they want to.

I'd try and play it a little cool to keep communication open. I'm not suggesting encouraging anything ir not setting boundaries, but making sure you have conversations about birth control and consent and that she knows she can come to you.

Did she lie or did she just change plans and tell you when she got home? Perhaps bowling and the cinema were busy because of Easter.

I was at my brothers’s house yesterday and my nephew’s girlfriend came. None of us had ever met her before. We were about to watch a period drama so they watched that with us then a board game was played. There was cake.

I wouldn’t consider myself overly strict. Some of dd friends are not allowed boyfriends at all and I’m not saying that.
I guess my main concern is what they could be doing in his house when they are in his room. I don’t know how relaxed his parents are about this. If they require the bedroom door to be left open etc.

It is unusually strict to not let her go to her boyfriends house.

in general the only people I knew who didn’t allow their daughters to have boyfriends were Indian/pakistani and were (I presume) applying their own cultural norms.

Have you talked to her about sex? Have you explained why you are uncomfortable about her being in a bedroom alone with her boyfriend? I’m guessing that’s what your unease comes down to.

Yes, we have talked about this. She just agreed with everything I was saying. I talked to her about contraception and said she can talk to me anytime about these things.
I can’t force her to use contraception though and ultimately it falls on her to be sensible which I worry at 14 they won’t be.

You are being far too strict and if you carry on like this your daughter will stop telling you anything at all. My parents were strict like this. I was grudgingly allowed boyfriends but was expected to be out-out and not at each other's houses, which was bonkers as it would have been far easier for either set of parents to keep an eye on things in the family homes. I got up to all sorts of stuff outdoors and got into some quite vulnerable situations, which would have been mainly avoidable if parents had been present in the background.

The bedroom with a closed door isn't the problem. If they want to be getting up to something, then they'll do it in the cinema, in the loo's at bowling, in a secluded spot at the park, at school.

You can't stop them, so you're focusing on the wrong thing.

By all means ask to have a chat with his parents, and try to make sure they're on the same page as you. Open bedroom door policy etc. But know that that won't stop them if they're determined.

The best thing you can do is to have open and honest conversations with your daughter. Make sure she doesn't feel judged, make sure she can talk to you about any concerns she has. Talk to her about having the confidence to say no to anything she doesn't want to do. That she doesn't have to try and keep up with her friends. That it's not the end of the world if this relationship doesn't end up working out because she's not willing to go as far as he is.

And talk about contraception. Yes, you're going to be desperately hoping she doesn't need it yet. But you can't control it, so the only thing you can do is make sure she has all the information.

14 is far too young however to be sharing intimacies, in my opinion, and my eldest got in way over her head with her 1st BF (he was 17) which caused a lot of rows and arguments. We allowed her to have her BF at home but they had to keep the bedroom door open - thankfully his parents lived down the road and wouldn't allow her into his bedroom at all, they had to sit in the living room with the door open. Thankfully she was already on the pill for heavy periods but she did admit later that she wasn't ready for the level of relationship he wanted from her.

The worry here OP is that she's already not telling you things. The conversations are awkward and difficult, but I said to mine over and over that I was terrified that they'd consent to photographs/filming that they would then have zero control over who saw it. I was less worried about pregnancy, tbh.

You do realise teens can (and do) have sex in many, many places that are not In His Room??

You’d be wiser having calm conversations about healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, telling the truth for safety reasons, and safe sex.

Exactly this.

Why are you adamant you won't be allowing her to go to his house yet? When she says they are at the cinema absolutely anything could be happening, either in the cinema or somewhere else entirely.

Honestly, if anything is going to happen sexually that you would be horrified by, it's going to happen whether she's allowed to visit his house or not.

You either accept that she's old enough to go out unaccompanied, or you decide that she isn't. She's either old enough to start dating boys or you tell her she isn't. But it sounds like it's already too late for that, so lighten up a bit. Trying to control exactly where she can and can't go isn't going to work and it's going to just force her to lie to you more. It's not like she's visiting some crack den. His parents sound like responsible people, offering to drop her home. Perhaps let her go again and make sure you pick her up next time, chat to them on the doorstep and get the measure of things. Put your mind at ease a bit before you go around banning stuff and driving a wedge between you and your DD unnecessarily.

You could of course just refuse to let her go there and insist on a phone tracker but that is going to just make her hate you and feel that you are far too controlling. If you allow her to go to his house and insist on a tracker, then she'll understand that the tracker is for her safety, for times when she isn't safe, she's lost or out of contact, and not just so that you can spy on her, catch her out in lies and control her every movement. There's a difference.

You should be focusing on having conversations with her around consent, BC, how to navigate the pitfalls of dating, how to recognise a nice, respectable and respectful boy and how to avoid the ones who are toxic. That's more important than policing the places she can and can't go.

I was having sex at 14 and I don’t think we had sex indoors at all if I am honest. I wasn’t careful either, luckily no pregnancy happened but it wasn’t anything but sheer luck.
I have always spoken to my kids about having sex in comfortable spaces and when they’re ready and with use of a condom every time. My daughters I’ll have on the pill when the time comes. Even if I drill into them to use condoms every time I know all too well that kids are highly irresponsible regardless of the education we give them. My friends and I had very open parents who did everything right, never made sex taboo or awkward and ensured we all had access to condoms should we have needed them.
We just knew better because we were 14-18 and absolute idiots. Not all teenagers but many are reckless when it comes to sex. I think it’s the first thing a lot of teens can control without their parents so they just do as they please. I think conversations around consent, porn being nothing to recreate, never going out your comfort level to please a partner are all worth discussion. And I hate porn passionately and my sons know that, but I’m not naive enough to think they don’t access it. I can only give them facts to make their own choices. All we can hope for is they make safe and sensible ones, but either way they’re informed.
Parenting teens is the hardest part in my experience.

You could encourage her to talk to you if she is thinking about having sex so you can go to the Dr and sort out the pill or similar

Then encourage her to spend time at your house where you are in control of that

You do sound to be too controlling on this, and this is an issue that you literally have zero actual control over. So the more she feels you have arbitrary rules around her sexuality, the more she will pull away from you as a person to trust and will lie to you. Right now is when you need your relationship to be at its strongest so that she chooses to come to you when she needs to.

Keep talking about consent, self esteem and self respect, contraception, and the reasons behind not allowing or taking photos or videos. The mantra I drill into my teens is if they're not comfortable with talking about sex (to their partner/us parents/their Dr) then they're not old enough to be having it

But living in the real world, I would also make sure that your DD knows how to make herself a Dr's appointment with whatever jump-through-hoop system your GP uses. And give her the information (website/phone number) for your local sexual health clinic. They are better at fitting contraception and offer a more annomous service she might find less embarrassing to access.

If she doesn't want to talk to you, she needs to know how to access her own health care.

I don’t mean to sound patronising OP. It I think you need to chill out. The more you make an issue out of this the more they will dig their heels in.

establish some ground rules, and keep the lines of communication open.

Agree about open conversation. We talk regularly to ours DS15 and DD13. Neither have had a b/g friend yet.

Ideally, I don’t want them to have sex young - age
of consent, emotional impact and risks of pregnancy or allegations and they know this.

However, I can’t control this so I have to ensure they are aware of the issues. Do they love the person and feel safe with them? Consent is obviously key - not feeling pressured - consent can be withdrawn at any time etc. Also it’s ok to have sex once and then decide she isn’t ready and stop. We also say that no one can properly consent if they are drunk, stoned or sleeping.

And set up some sort of code word that she can
use should she feel uncomfortable or need to be rescued from a situation. We say to ours that it they should use it and it doesn’t matter if they have done something wrong - drink / drugs etc.

Contraception and both pill and condoms discussion - this will not encourage her. Being open and accessing MAP if unplanned sex takes place.

social media and phones - no photos or video that could be illegal and she can’t control once out of her hands. And no Snap discussions about it because that can be screenshotted and shared around - and double standards about boys and girls does still exist.

Hopefully, his parents have has similar discussions with their son.

We do use Life360 tracking for all four of us, with their agreement. Safety measure for all of us.

We would allow a boyfriend/ girlfriend round and in bedrooms. Whilst I would not allow sleepovers,
they have them with friends and I wouldn’t know if there was anything going on with any of their friends or if it happened. Both children tell me that they don’t have those feelings yet and therefore, don’t know what their sexuality is yet.

If you encourage them to spend time at your home rather than going to his house, you will have a much better chance of steering the relationship so it doesn’t get too heavy. Like getting them to do baking as a PP mentioned, or sitting in the garden, anything they will enjoy doing that they would do in the living space rather than her bedroom. And when they do want to be alone, you will be there to remind them of your open door policy. I think that is the only chance you have of influencing what they do.

Well, I wasn’t allowed to have my boyfriend at my house or vice versa, do you really think that stopped us?

If you want your daughter to be open and honest with you then you need to start putting a bit of faith and trust in her. All you’ll do by being so strict is cause her to lie even more and eventually she’ll tell you nothing.

Get his parents number and call them up and have a chat. Tell them your red lines eg being alone in his room.