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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help me not overreact.

30 replies

frecklejuice · 07/04/2026 00:58

Ds is 17 and has been with his girlfriend for about 9 months, she is the same age and a lovely girl. A few months ago I was home alone with both of them (during the day) and suddenly realised they were having very loud sex upstairs. I left the house because I couldn’t stop them without going into his room but also didn’t want to sit there and listen! I sent a short text telling him I could hear everything and that it was disrespectful, his girlfriend was so upset and he was mortified so I left it at that. Now tonight.. DH went to bed, son and gf were in his room (she’s allowed to stay over once a week) and I stayed downstairs with my youngest (12) watching a programme. We decide to go to bed and as we get to the top of the stairs we can hear them having sex, dd rushes into bathroom and shuts the door then I just hammer loudly on their door a couple of times. I wait for dd and put her to bed. I go into my room and I’m fuming, I don’t want my 12 year old hearing her brother have sex it’s gross. So I text him and basically tell him I’m fuming, they are disrespectful and that she is no longer allowed to sleep over until they both grow up and learn some basic manners. I also told him that his sister could hear every thing.

Im so bloody angry with them both, I’m not a prude and I was also 17 once but I just find it so rude that neither of them could give a shit that one of us might hear them and the fact that his little sister did hear him (that’s what’s bothering me the most). So what happens tomorrow? She definitely isn’t staying over again for a while but I feel like that isn’t enough, do I make him keep the door open when she’s here? Or is that ridiculous because he’s 17? Is it enough that I’ve said she can’t stay over? I bloody treated him today to £150 of clothes for summer and now I feel like sending them all back.

What would you do? I’m not sure how hard I need to come down.

OP posts:
Jambags · 07/04/2026 01:05

I would make it abundantly clear that it's unacceptable for noise to be made like that in the home, regardless of who's listening. He wouldn't like it if he could hear you and your husband at it and as such, to be an adult you must be respectful of all those in the space.
Teenagers do what teenagers do and I for one would rather those things occur in a safe place for all, but I think a cool off period for overnights is more than reasonable for a few weeks just to drive home the impact.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2026 03:23

I think it’s enough for her not to stay over. They obviously ‘forget’ about the outside world whilst in the throes of passion and they need to be more considerate of everyone around them if he wants the privilege of overnights again. Maybe use the open door as a threat. ‘I want to be able to trust you. And I don’t want to have to start insisting you have your door open as if you are 12. However, if we can’t trust you to be considerate and respectful of the household, then it’s going to happen. And you are the only one, who can make that decision to consider and respect us.’

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2026 03:41

I’d bung him in an old stereo and tell him to switch it on when necessary in future. Or get some Alexa in there. Mind you, maybe one woman is loud enough already.

Manicmondayss · 07/04/2026 03:47

How gross. I hope he’s mortified that his mum and his sister could hear him for years to come. Definitely don’t have her stay over again.

Manicmondayss · 07/04/2026 03:50

I wouldn’t have her round full stop.

RoseField1 · 07/04/2026 04:44

I doubt she'll want to come over again after that but I don't blame you at all. I would set a time limit on her not coming round like a month and then give them a chance to behave again after that. Does he accept how disrespectful it is, is he sorry?

Egglesseaster · 07/04/2026 04:51

I think consequences are key here. So no to her staying overnight for a month and if they have noisy sex again they won't be able to go upstairs if she is over

GiuliaGalliParenting · 07/04/2026 06:53

It must have been quite shocking for you!
I would make sure that you have an open and calm conversation with him, regarding the act of sex being intimate - the goal is not for him to think sex is wrong and gross, just the sharing of it not being quite necessary.
Also the consequences should be related to the fact, so sending back the clothes would not teach him responsibility in this case.
Ask him what he thinks should happen, include him in the next steps, so he can be accountable for next time. Make sure to keep the conversation open and judgement free, so you are not shutting him out.

Isadora2007 · 07/04/2026 06:58

Have you actually said that you don’t want them having sex when you guys are awake in the house? That presumably you’d be fine with quiet sex during the night, as long as you didn’t hear them? As you’re letting a 17 year old have sleepovers with his GF I assume them having sex isn’t the issue, it’s the hearing it. So maybe you need to sit down and speak. Did he hear you having sex? Hopefully no. Does he know you clearly do have sex? Hopefully yes. But as adults you don’t need people to hear a private act, so you wait until people are asleep and keep the noisy sex for when you’re alone in the house.

maybe it just needs spelt out. You didn’t hear them prior to going upstairs so they are making more of an effort to be quiet so maybe you need to be more clear?

Original poster
frecklejuice · 07/04/2026 08:29

Thanks everyone, teens are hard work. Give me a toddler any day!

Maybe I have given mixed messages with letting her sleepover and they feel like it’s a free pass to do what they want but I was explicitly clear last time it happened that I did not want to hear that again and he has to be respectful of his sister next door.

We have a great relationship and he’d rather talk to me about stuff than his Dad but I just feel like it’s so disrespectful.

I have no problem with them having sex and we have had lots of conversations about contraception etc but as easy going as I am most of the time I don’t want to hear it!

I’m going to stick with the sleeping over ban for now and see how it goes. He isn’t allowed to stay at her house, her parents really like him but her dad doesn’t want them in the same bed.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyhaspackedherbasket · 07/04/2026 08:33

We had similar but ds was 22! I told him I doubted he was that bloody fantastic we had to hear his gf from his ground floor room to our top floor bedroom... She was banned for other reasons in the end anyway... Apparently it was a fwb type thing and she announced in front of my teen dd's she was going on holiday and hoped to come home with a sore fanjo... She was fucking grim.

Yanbu to stop her staying over op.

Iocanepowder · 07/04/2026 08:38

I think what you’ve done is fine op.

You made it clear the first time that it was an issue to be really loud, and clearly he hasn’t listened or taken that on board. So because of that, there has to be further consequences and he hasn’t shown he can be trusted. Absoutely gross for your 12 year old to have to hear that and he needs to understand that. Agree with keeping the conversation open.

GentleIron · 07/04/2026 08:47

Porn teaches young people what sex should sound like, unfortunately. My first bf and I had pretty silent sex -neither of us 'knew' any different, or had never heard anyone else have sex. I remember being shown porn on a VHS tape at a party as a teen and being baffled at the types of sounds I heard. I could see they 'made sense' but it hadn't occurred to me we could make sounds like that; it seemed performative. These days, I get pupils (who definitely aren't experienced in that way) making 'sex noises' to wind each other up and gross each other out. Loud moaning can be learnt behaviour, for sure, so tell him it's possible to enjoy sex, and to communicate enjoyment, without much noise when required.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 07/04/2026 08:49

Sleepover and sex = fine

Loud performative sex the world can hear... = not fine.

Put some music on and be quiet!

Pepperedpickles · 07/04/2026 08:53

By letting her stay over you’re saying it’s okay for them to have sex, and being young etc I suspect they don’t even realise how loud they’re being. I doubt they’re doing it thinking about whether you and his sister can hear. The only way round it is to say she can’t stay over full stop and you don’t want them having sex in the house at all. I don’t know where that leaves you as plenty of Mumsnetters will tell you that’s unreasonable but it’s a rule we had with dd (now aged 23) and our relationship survived and I think it’s one of the reasons she actually wanted to go to university 😂 at the end of the day it’s your house; it’s up to you. It’s very difficult when you have younger siblings at home too (our situation too).

HappyKatieA · 07/04/2026 09:18

We had this issue with our eldest when his (lovely) girlfriend started staying. I must admit, the way I dealt with it was asking Alexa to play a song in his room, it was ‘baby shark’ to kill the mood.
it seemed to work, we’ve not had the same issue since!

Pepperedpickles · 07/04/2026 09:33

HappyKatieA · 07/04/2026 09:18

We had this issue with our eldest when his (lovely) girlfriend started staying. I must admit, the way I dealt with it was asking Alexa to play a song in his room, it was ‘baby shark’ to kill the mood.
it seemed to work, we’ve not had the same issue since!

This is hilarious 😆

Riapia · 07/04/2026 10:03

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Statsquestion1 · 07/04/2026 10:09

“I told him I doubted he was that bloody fantastic we had to hear his gf from his ground floor room to our top floor bedroom”

@Easterbunnyhaspackedherbasket love this 🤣🤣🤣🤣

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 07/04/2026 10:12

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You get off on 17 year olds shagging do you?

suchgreatheights2 · 07/04/2026 10:14

Ugh I would hate this. Are they being particularly vocal about it? That’s what would bother me, it’s a complete lack of respect for everyone else in the house. If you’re going to do it at your parents house (as I have many times at that age) at least try to be discreet about it. Bed springs or whatever can’t really be helped but loud porn star moans and groans…vom.

Definitely ban sleepovers for a while. Or tell them to go get it on at her house instead and see what her parents make of it.

ObliviousCoalmine · 07/04/2026 10:20

HappyKatieA · 07/04/2026 09:18

We had this issue with our eldest when his (lovely) girlfriend started staying. I must admit, the way I dealt with it was asking Alexa to play a song in his room, it was ‘baby shark’ to kill the mood.
it seemed to work, we’ve not had the same issue since!

I am more this type of person. I don’t think going full blown rage works for most things. I also don’t think using “gross” is the right term, it’s just sex.

Also if you ban them sleeping over you’ll just push the issue elsewhere, I’d rather they were safely in my house, they just need to be made aware of what is and isn’t ok while you and the sibling is in earshot, without being shamed for it.

Original poster
frecklejuice · 07/04/2026 11:17

I definitely haven’t shamed them and we have had some great open conversations about sex. I was really calm first time I heard them (it was SO loud) and kind of made a joke about being glad they have a healthy sex life but the rest of us don’t need to be aware of it. This time around they have no excuse, they knew we were all home and they also knew that me and my youngest were still up. I don’t think sex is gross at all but I do think a 12 year old girl having to listen to her brother shagging his girlfriend next door to her room is pretty gross. Even they weren’t making noises I still don’t want to hear the headboard banging!! They have plenty of opportunities to have sex here when no one is home and also at her house as all parents work.

I think the whole situation is a bit more problematic as I have a younger one, if it was just me and Dh I’d shut the bedroom door and go to sleep then they could crack on!

Baby Shark is a great solution but he doesn’t have an Alexa in his room!

OP posts:
Eskarina1 · 07/04/2026 11:31

I'd be starting with the position that a 12 year old child being exposed to loud sex noises is unacceptable and he needs to be part of figuring out solutions so it never happens again. He doesn't get to be too embarrassed to discuss it, when his little sister had to hear it.

Randomuser2026 · 07/04/2026 16:54

Maybe I am mean, but I definitely would be having the conversation with both of them together. If you are mature enough to be so noisy, then you’re mature enough to be reminded of basic courtesy.

It’s gross, and I’m sure hearing from one of the parents will be enough, and that they won’t need to be getting a reminder from both sides, will they?