It's a relationship issue

[Meown]

Please be kind. I'm looking for advice.

DS17 has been dating a girl for 8 months apparently. They really have not seen eachother a lot in this time. She has very recently been to our house twice during which they have been in the kitchen and lounge.

The problem is, she's 14. She turns 15 soon but then he turns 18. It's far from ideal. We've explained about statutory rape, about how explicit messages could be deemed to be child abuse.

Her mother has gone ballistic. She phones often asking what 'we should do about the situation?' She will not allow DS in her house or her daughter to get in his car. Neither of these things have happened. The mother is now worried because her daughter has started to lie to her. (This girl is number 5 of 5 kids so I naively thought she'd have more idea than me what to do regarding parenting teenagers? DS is my eldest & I only have two kids!) The two occasions the girl has been to our house, she has been dropped off & collected by her parents.

I was of the mindset of 'leave it, it will run its course. He'll get bored. She's lovely & very pretty indeed but he will not want to be saddled with somebody so much younger when he's 18 & will just be starting out in life.' The more fuss the girl's mother makes, the more this girl is digging her heels in & wanting to see DS. ALL of DS's friends have dumped him due to this relationship. He has noone else to talk to now, only his girlfriend. Currently, DS is talking to me more than he has for a while. He has just showed me the background photo his girlfriend has on her phone of them both. It is cute, just a shame this girl isn't 16. I want to keep communication open between us but I am sad that he's lost his mates and that this situation even exists.

Any wise Mumsnetters out there who may have experienced similar? If DS and his girlfriend just keep hanging out together then it could be fine but of course any sexual activity of any description could be disastrous.

So Year 10 and Year 12? There are kids where I teach with the same age difference - Year 9/Year 11 etc. as long as you don't condone sexual activity in your house and warn him he could face being on the sex offenders list there is not actually much you can do without pushing them together. I suggest you meet up with his mum, just the two of you and discuss sensibly what is happening and how trying to keep them apart will push them together. Try and work together.

I speak to kids in my form who have older boyfriends about consent and the law (an obviously inform safeguarding). Some parents are OK with it and some aren't.

It is not right but it has been the case that girls prefer older boys for a long long time.

Thanks for replying. Helpful to hear from a teacher perspective. Year 10 and year 13 but DS isn't in education. He works.
The mother phoned earlier asking about what would happen if they were to meet in the day time? We said that she's in school & he works 12 hour days so it's unlikely to happen!
I guess DS seems grown up to her? Own money, own car.
I will try to meet the mother & put my perspective forward. Teenagers are sneaky indeed so forbidding anything will not help. That said, there will not be any under age sex in my house. Both DH & I rely on our DBS's for work. He's a sports coach also so does have contact with children. We're not risking any criminal activity!

This is not ok at all! My DD is the same age as the girlfriend and I would be horrified if she had an almost 18 year old boyfriend, it’s so inappropriate.
Your DSs friends have more sense than you do, can’t believe you’re condoning this, I’d be disgusted if it were my DS.

Good lord - he’s a man with a car dating a school girl. I do t care how nice he is or how pretty she is (why that’s relevant I’ve no idea)
awful - men have different’wants and needs’ to school children.

i cannot believe you’re ok with this? I would absolutely not be as either parent.

This is awful. She is a child.
Suggest to her parents that they put a location tracker on her phone and block his number with parental controls. She may still contact him through friends, but she is a child and essentially being groomed so all efforts to stop contact need to be made.
Also phone the girls school and make their safeguarding lead aware. They will be able to support the girl and advise the parents.

Of course I'm absolutely condoning this. That's why i'm posting on Mumsnet asking for advice really late ar night, because it doesn't worry me in the slightest. Please advise how being disgusted actually works as a parenting technique?

You need to tell your son to leave this girl alone. I would be horrified if this was my son!

I'm not ok with it. Hence me asking on here for advice? Did also start my post with 'please be kind' but to be fair, I should have known.
I said she was really nice.
He's still a teenager.

The girl's school is his old school. That's how they met. She contacted him through Snapchat.
I will ensure he knows he is grooming her. Clearly i'm not sleeping so obviously the situation is bothering me a lot.

Sounds like a tricky situation. Of course it is not ideal or good, at all. I’d do what the teacher poster advised and reach out to the GF mother. Maybe if you took your son on a weeks holiday and she took her daughter on a weeks holiday as soon as he got back (or better a 2 week holiday each) it gives it 1 month to fizzle out?

You are ok with it because you're letting her come to your house and your attitude is that if you leave them to it it will fade out by itself.
I have a 17 year old boy and if he brought home a 14 year old I would be reading the absolute riot act and making it as difficult as possible for them to see each other. My DS wouldn't do that though because he would think that was weird and disgusting. He was a bit concerned because his girlfriend is August born and he's September born so she's 11 months younger than him and he didn't want anyone to think he was a creep.

We’re talking about your son being on a sex offender register here that affects his future greatly. Jobs, girlfriends, potentially even his children with social services involvement when he has them… this is not to be continued. I’d not let the girl as your house again. I’d be really annoyed if I were her mother and you were allowing her round. In fact; I’m surprised she hasn’t been at your front door to give you what for already..

It sounds like the parents have dropped her round? Neither set of parents is handling this well if that's the case.
OP I read the bottom half of your post again, he's lost friends over this? So at least his friends know what's not ok. Does that not make him think twice?

Yes, definitely this! You've tried the gentler approach with him and it hasn't worked, so now you need to come down on him like a tonne of bricks.

You need to make him understand that this is completely unacceptable and that it needs to end now. He can't think that you're okay with it and, honestly, maybe it would be good if he knew you were disgusted by his behaviour.

Realistically though there's no chance of him going on the sex offender register for consensual sex with her at age 14 and 17. Unless she makes a complaint of coercion (which she might in a couple of years when she's developed a more mature perspective) he won't be arrested or charged over this. That doesn't mean it's acceptable or should be condoned, but talking about consequences that are vanishingly unlikely has never been a way to get teenagers to stop doing a thing.

Her parents absolutely dropped her round and picked her up on the two occasions she came to our house.
I literally do not understand why he's making life so complicated for himself. I wish he'd realise.

I had a similar situation a few years back. DS1 was 17 and became involved with a 14 year old girl. I was very concerned and contacted her mum who was bewildered actually as to why I would be bothered. She said her daughter was very “mature” for her age etc, really missing the point. I had a lengthy discussion with DS1 and thankfully it appeared to end as quickly as it started. I think he also had his friends in his ear asking him wtf was wrong with him.
I really wasn’t happy with any of this and very much rammed the optics of this down DS throat.

Thank you. I kept thinking it would fizzle out and he'd realise etc.
We did have the chat about how any sexual contact is illegal before she came round the first time. I will start with the ramming because clearly it's not worked.

Right.. fair enough. I mean, it’s still wrong of course but I didn’t know the law worked that way. I assumed as she’s a minor and he is almost 18 (a man) it would.
this is a hard situation for OP to be in and as a mother I couldn’t imagine.
If he doesn’t listen he’s going to find himself in a very sticky situation but all you can do is advice, make him aware of the consequences and do not let this girl into your home.

My dc goes to school with a 12 year old girl who has a 16 year old boyfriend / FWB / date. It's very strange indeed, they go to the same school and have been found snogging by a teacher who informed the parents. It was framed as if the boy is pursuing her but she tells my dc that she is lying to her parents and it's actually her pursuing him. She had to promise not to date him any more but still goes to his house telling her mum that she's at a sleepover with her bff. She is absolutely boy mad and this is only the latest in a string of boyfriends she had since she was 11.

It does happen and teenage hormones are something else. This girl's mother has tried everything, grounding her, taking he phone away, no pocket money you name it, her dd simply does not care, all she is interest in is validation from boys. It's prob a phases and she'll be less off the rails and more sensible in a couple of years. I feel so sorry for her mum. And the boy's parents have no issue whatsoever to let this girl in and spend time in their ds' s bed room.

Do you let her stay op?

It’s so difficult at this age given the optics and what this looks like to society now. I have a DD and would have felt the same as your DS’s GF’s mum at the same age, worried about grooming, underage sexual activity etc.

However, I have to say I was 15 (just starting year 11) and DH was 18 when we met which now, over 30 years later, is nothing special in terms of age difference. This wasn’t unusual at the time, some of my friends dated his friends and it was a relationship we were both respectful in, genuinely nobody was groomed, we actually didn’t have sex until I was 18 and none of the things I’d worry about now were a factor. Neither of our families saw this as sinister.

I appreciate times have changed and everyone feels differently about this now so I do get it OP. It sounds like you’re doing the right thing explaining the legalities and how this looks but it is difficult to keep two teenagers (yes I know he’s an adult) who want to be together apart.

I'm as broad minded as you can get in a lot of ways, but even I don't think this is right. She's not even 15 and at school, and he's a fully grown adult man with a car. Of course, it's not okay.

Edit: Punctuation.

The mum obviously hasnt tried everything... at 12 if the DD leaves the house she can check where she is. If she isnt where she is meant to be then she can phone the police. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to be washing their hands of a 12 year old girl - not even a teenager yet - being exploited like that.

Apparently she left her phone at her friend's house then went to meet with the boy and back for the sleepover.

Why do people repeatedly mention the car? 😶
Yes OP, just tell your DS to sell his car. Problem solved.