Worried about teen DD getting dangerously drunk and not learning

[Jazzy5]

My daughter has just turned 15. She has got way too drunk in 3 occasions in the last 5 months. Yesterday she was brought home by the police as she was in a chip shop and was so drunk the staff phoned the police concerned for her safety.

The other two times she got drunk she injured herself, (sprained an ankle jumping off a wall the first time and cut her knee badly the other time)

I'm very worried about her at this stage. She seems a happy well adjusted girl and loves her friends and school but these incidents are just blighting her life recently and she doesn't seem to be learning from her mistakes. Today she is very recorseful and tearful and seems to mean it when she says she doesn't want to drink again but that's what she said last time . We have grounded her for 2 weeks and I'm going to ask the policewoman who took her home to have a chat with her.

Any advice from a worried mum?

Where is she getting money and alcohol?

She’s 15, you step in and stop her from having that opportunity. Where is she getting it from?

i think there’s info you need to uncover before able to support/help.

Why does she want to drink? Peer pressure and a need to fit in with them? Or is something else going on regarding self esteem? Is she with a single friend or a group of people? Where are they and timings - does she tell you her plans before she goes out or do they change whilst she is out?
And also, what is home life like? How is her relationships with you/dad/siblings? How are things at school - does she open up to you about school life?

Where is she getting the booze ? Who is she hanging around with is there an older "boyfriend " ?I think you need to unpack a lot, teenagers will drink but to be so drunk she is getting into trouble and being brought home is worrying.

I would book her 6 sessions with a therapist specialising in adolescence.

getting very drunk in itself is one thing, and we all either were or knew that girl at 15.
But why is it happening? It’s impulsive, compulsive, or she is find comfort in a pattern of behaviours that it would be hugely advantageous to stop now rather than in 20 years.

grounding, taking money away etc teaches nothing. It delays the behaviour until she can do it next.
Understanding why finding she’s finding comfort/ excitement in alcohol to these extremes could be invaluable.

Where is she doing this drinking? Where is she getting the alcohol from? Who is with her when she's doing it?

I used to do this. I was desperately unhappy. In fact, none of my “happy and well adjusted” friends did it. There’s something else going on OP.

This.

It depends on the reason really what my advice is.

I do think to an extent this is something most teens experiment with at one time or another and it’s not always a huge issue or indicative of a big personal problem. I know me and my friends certainly did it, we weren’t troubled or unhappy, it was just what everybody else was doing and we wanted to fit in I suppose. There used to be a man at the local newsagents who would go in the shop for pretty much anyone and we’d all save our bus money for a week and buy alcohol that way on a Saturday the same as probably 75% of the kids our age round there did at the time, everybody used to meet up in the woods behind our local park and drink together. I cringe thinking about it now!

It didn’t last long and really was just a phase, the first time we felt actually hungover was the last time I think we did it😂

It hasn’t caused any damage for any of us, it was a really stupid phase we were pulled into because it was what everyone seemed to be doing at the time.

If it’s as simple as that then I just think you keep comms open, you don’t want her to do it but you do want her to be safe, and that way hopefully she knows if she does make a mistake she can call you. My parents were and have always been really brilliant for this, they knew where I was and I remember ringing my dad at 8pm when I felt a bit tipsy and he came to pick me up no judgement and no questions asked. We still have an amazing relationship now and I’m really close to them still as an adult, they knew these were phases and they knew no amount of shouting would have stopped it really, me being safe was more important and I’m very grateful to have been brought up that way.

Of course if the drinking is excessive, problematic or fuelled by something deeper though then this advice doesn’t apply.

I did this as a teen. I wasn’t unhappy and had a loving supportive family. There was no reason for it other than always being the one who carried on and took things too far. I still can’t explain why I did it, I just thought it was a laugh. Until it wasn’t. Luckily I escaped more or less unscathed and look back now in horror. If my teens did this I’d be mortified. I grew out of it by age 20 or so.

She is putting herself at a massive risk . And don't tell me I'm victim blaming . She could get into a car , or walk in front of a car . Or choke on her own vomit .
If anything happened to her would her mates be able to keep her safe ? Probably not .
My DC are adults but when they were younger of course this was a worry . Apart from Eat something starchy / Never leave your drink unattended/Never leave one of your mates on their own/Never mix your drinks etc, you have to trust them.

Though if I came home pissed my Mum wouldn't have let me sleep off the hangover . I'd have been made to get up dressed and do cleaning !

Thanks all.. lots of good advice and food for thought..

The whole gang are into dabbling with drink on occasion but none of the others are getting this drunk as far as I know..

I think I will book her in with a councilor I know .. even 1 visit.. she went to her once years ago when a family member died and got on great with her..

I really don't think it is unhappiness or low self esteem though.... She s confident and good company and enjoying life but she has a wild side... I remember as a 2 year old she d be eyeing up the tattoo covered lady or wild traveller thinking they were fabulous . Probably on the ADHD spectrum (her brothers are ADD and took meds to get through exam years but she rather has an internal engine that never stops)

So I m aware of how vulnerable ADHD makes you... I imagine that's what it is. My husband has suggested we get her assessed (she s also dyslexic but bright and doing great in school) and I said no need but we might re visit

Like other posters I drank like this (at an older age to her tho) and am v lucky to be still alive. Of course this makes me sick with anxiety for her..... I had a great family and friends but was shy and anxious socially so think that's what got me

One of the friends has an older sister s id as far as I know and they re chipping in... I will get in touch with friends later but I don't think shutting off the few quid she gets each week will solve it s V cheap drink available locally

I don't understand why you wouldn't want her assessed if she does have another ND trait like Adhd then she is vulnerable to compulsive behaviour.

Well she is thriving in most ways so I didn't see her as so vulnerable til yesterday... But alas she is so we will look at assessment

if you think she has adhd then look into the link between adhd and alcohol
but seriously get her diagnosed, it will help in the long run why wouldnt you look into a diagnosis

To be honest, my own doubt about that would be, what’s the point? A diagnosis won’t change her, and any change to behaviour it could prompt can be done without a diagnosis. Obviously a diagnosis costs many thousands or on the nhs won’t happen within 10 years.

OP I was similar (I actually never got this drunk but LOVED drinking) I didn’t emerge until about 30. Nothing “bad” had happened to me- but don’t underestimate the impact of living with drunk behaviour. Bad decisions, relationships, anxiety, wasted money wasted time, lack of focus, lack of ambition, overwhelm. Those Friday nights can have implications for the rest of the week.

after going through diagnosis with my DC, I suspect I also have adhd. Drinking calmed my brains and that’s why I was so obsessive compulsive with it.

Thanks for replying yes I totally agree.. she s defo ADHD but then isn't about 30% of the population (including myself) and the only thing assessment gets is meds . Which can be useful tho I think we will get her assessed.. the self awareness is something we can discuss with her anyhow

A dyslexia teacher years ago said the problem with dd the reason she couldn't read at the time was that her brain was going too fast... She's a mile a minute very intense but also very wise and clued in and great with people.. just need to get her to balance the drink issue as it's soooo destructive... I think I was depressed for much of my early 20s due to problem drinking

Most ADHD medication is a stimulant that helps re dopamine. That’s why the kids I support at school are continually trying to stimulate themselves in whatever way they can to get some dopamine going. When they are medicated they are much calmer (and safer for themselves and others).

Alcohol is a depressant so initially you feel calmer when drinking so you get some sort of release. But people should be aware of side effects of anything they use to alleviate their symptoms. https://www.priorygroup.com/blog/adhd-and-alcohol#:~:text=It's%20possible%20for%20alcohol%20to,alcohol%20tends%20to%20worsen%20symptoms.

OP it’s worth bearing in mind that your DD is using a legal drug (alcohol) to help her. If she is ADHD then at least she could have other options open to her, ones that may be safer considering how she is when drunk at the moment.

She seems a happy well adjusted girl and loves her friends and school

She is not. She is very very far from “happy” and “well adjusted”. And the first thing you must do is accept this.

You “definitely” think she has adhd but you only “think” you will get her assessed.

This needs to be one of your priorities because if she is - medication can be a game changer.

Are you able to go private?

Thanks everyone.. interesting points.

Ok maybe well adjusted isn't the best term but she is definitely a happy kid currently.... Thank goodness

dust is settling and I have chatted to her re the ADHD . She's totally in agreement... We will look into assessment

I take your point s re meds and they absolutely have there place .. my other kids have taken them but in my experience most ADHDers don't take meds long term but learn to manage themselves through hobbies, exercise, meditation...

She joined local gym yesterday and has already been twice ..she is absolutely buzzing from it she says "it's like being an a playground" . She loves athletics too and extreme scouting weekends (sleeping outdoors and the like) and has a load coming up so short term I think it's a case of getting her aware of her energy levels...

The policewoman was brilliant... She agreed to talk to her in the station so we went in yesterday and she was fascinating.. had spent time in drug squad and had lots of wise advice.. definitely scared the life out of dd and I feel a page has turned today... Fingers crossed .

How on earth can you say this is a “happy” kid is truly unfathomable.

and the fact you suspect it’s a friend’s older sibling who’s providing the booze… and you haven’t rung their parents??!! Is also unfathomable to

what state is she in today? Hungover as hell I imagine

Sorry but this isn’t the job of the police. It’s not up to them to scare the life out of her. Shes the parent. Until she can convince you she won’t act like this in future then she’s not allowed out with these “friends”.

My daughter is 14 and I know where is she ALL the time. And she’s never ever out past (unless a friend’s house or cinema) past 6pm when the shops shut.

And most parents are the same