Worried about teen DD getting dangerously drunk and not learning

[Jazzy5]

My daughter has just turned 15. She has got way too drunk in 3 occasions in the last 5 months. Yesterday she was brought home by the police as she was in a chip shop and was so drunk the staff phoned the police concerned for her safety.

The other two times she got drunk she injured herself, (sprained an ankle jumping off a wall the first time and cut her knee badly the other time)

I'm very worried about her at this stage. She seems a happy well adjusted girl and loves her friends and school but these incidents are just blighting her life recently and she doesn't seem to be learning from her mistakes. Today she is very recorseful and tearful and seems to mean it when she says she doesn't want to drink again but that's what she said last time . We have grounded her for 2 weeks and I'm going to ask the policewoman who took her home to have a chat with her.

Any advice from a worried mum?

Exactly. This isn’t an 18 year old.

this is a just turned 15 year old… so year 10?

She is well and truly a CHILD

destructive... I think I was depressed for much of my early 20s due to problem drinking

There is a very strong genetic link with drinking problems. You need to take this very seriously as your daughter is starting incredibly early and already police involvement and injury. And these are the 3 occasions you know about. There will be so much drinking that has not resulted in police or an injury that you aren’t aware of.

If it was me, I wouldn't focus on the discipline so much and I would try and reign her back into the family again. In my opinion, if a person overdoes these things, they are losing the will to fight for themselves as much and could be finding real life harder at that time (can happen to us all from time to time I think, excess scrolling etc). There is a natural fight for survival in us all and to build our life but when the person struggles with that I think that it's more that they have either lost the desire to fight as hard for themselves for whatever reason or her other stronger friends are winning the battle. I would reign her back in to the family and concentrate on helping her put the focus back on her own life, maybe helping her build up her sense of self and confidence a bit more. Sounds like she needs more self care

You also think she is happy

I think your assessment of your dd being thriving, happy and not vulnerable was clearly skewed.

She is 15, choosing to get drunk, thereby making herself vulnerable and although remorseful afterwards does it again . Clearly there is a deep unhappiness there, and very low self esteem.

Thanks for you message.. I totally agree the more enmeshed in the family the happier she and we do a sport together a couple times a week and she went to gym with her brothers last night and this morning... We re on our way out to a family dinner now...

I have found this thread really helpful as I hadn't been focusing on the ADHD thing at the start.. but I disagree with some of the sentiment... a 15 year choosing to get drunk isn't always doing it through unhappiness they are just sometimes acting the maggot and looking for fun... However she is clearly not able to hold her drink and is putting herself in v dangerous situations so fingers crossed this fright has warned her off

I love the judgment in these posts- not. Some people just don’t get that there are some young people different from theirs! My DS has severe ADHD, he drank a crazy amount at times when he was younger. I wasnt able to get through at all. He did see a counsellor at Change Grow Live which was helpful, I think someone to talk to outside the family is really useful. He’s 21, never drinks now. He’s still very impulsive though- it’s about them
understanding their own brains more than anything

Choosing to have a drink is one thing.

Getting so pissed that members of the public are concerned they call the POLICE; sustaining injuries because you’re so drunk - we’ll, these are the actions of someone with a serious problem.

presumably the two other occasions were when she was just 14?

I think this is good advice. My DD at 15 was cutting her arms. School noticed. I didn't. Having read that it's important that parents don't probe to understand what's behind destructive behaviour, I asked her if she would agree to see our GP and talk to him about what to do next, without me in the room. I also said that we needed to find a way for her to express whatever was troubling her in a constructive not destructive way. She did agree to go to the GP and had four sessions with the GP himself. Eight years later, I don't know what the cutting was about. I've never asked and she hasn't told me. Our relationship is good, BTW.

You have time to intervene before this becomes a pattern. It may help to see yourself as the route to moving things forward rather than the provider of a solution. 😊

Thank you so much, great advice

This is categorically not a happy young teen.

This is categorically a comment that did not needto be made. It helps no-one, least of all OP and her DD.

Because the op is labouring under the impression that aside from the excessive and very dangerous drinking… all is just rosy

I see what you mean, although I didn't read OP's in that way. My reading was that she was saying 'this child is not creating chaos in every aspect of her life'. My closest friend swallowed lots of paracetamol at 16. Her parents were certain it was a sign of a deeper malaise but she maintains she took two for ear ache, the pain continued so she took some more, and she felt good so carried on.

OP repeatedly tells us how happy an “well adjusted” her daughter is

She may not be unhappy though. If she has dopamine seeking behaviour, it’s the hormonal impact that’s attracting her to booze.

i drank a lot through my teens and 20s. It helped with normal life issues (lack of self confidence, exams, getting 1st job, meeting boys etc) none of which parents need to raise a red flag about.

she might well be a happy well adjusted person who has drank and it’s ignited a compulsive relationship with alcohol. Whilst I suggested counselling I think that’s as an exploratory support/ exploration and I don’t think it’s given at all that OPs daughter has any other problems.

If you have just turned 15 and you’re getting so blind drunk the general public call the police; and you’ve sustained an unjust due to being so blind drunk…. Then you aren’t happy and you sure as hell aren’t well adjusted.

These are the binges the OP is aware about…. There will likely be many many other occasions that the op hasn’t found out because no police or injury involved

Thanks for your reply... Glad someone can relate to what I'm saying... I do imagine after starting this thread and reading some replies that this is dopamine seeking behavior alright... My other 2 kids have ADHD diagnosis and my husband is I imagine on ADHD/dyslexic etc too.. as am I probably .

I drank too much myself in teens/20s and never really fully got in control of the way I drank until I settled down with my husband myself... So I completely relate to what dd has been doing. I was never unhappy tho, actually had a v happy upbringing.. but drink made me unhappy at times. .. My husband (dd s dad is exactly the same... He still drinks dangerously once every 5 or 6 years.... At a wedding or something when he is caught unaware.. we usually share a bottle wine a couple times a week it's only v occasionally he is caught out by excessive drinking .. Hopefully it will never happen again

... I wouldn't call either me or husband alcoholics but we problem drank .. which my dd is evidently now doing and that is v scary..

She's agreed that go see a fabulous councilor that she went to a few years ago when there was a death in the family. .... She really liked her so am happy about that....

You need to mention to the therapist that both you and her father have had drink problems in the past (and by the sounds of it - your her father still has an issue with drinking)

You have location tracking on her phone presumably?

I was like your daughter as a teen. There was no underlying unhappyness, i just did not know my limits or what was responsible drinkining. I wish an adult had explained to me 2-3 drinks is plenty and to drink water in between, it took me to my early 30s to learn that. When younger i think i struggled a little more than others when socialising so would just drink more and quicker than most. I think if id been given a few ciders or alcopops rather than sourcing bottles of vodka myself that would have also helped, along with a conversation about peer pressure and uk drinking culture.

For most teenagers who go through this phase, they will grow up at some point and start to become a bit more sensible. So I wouldn't convince myself they'll be like this forever

Have you got the sort of home where you could let her invite friends over to socialise maybe accept that if they are allowed a couple of drinks under your roof, you know they're safe and how much alcohol they have access to

I found with friends parents who accepted we would come over watch movies, chat and have a couple of low alcohol drinks at that age, had children with better attitudes to drinking in moderation than the ones hiding it from their parents and getting plastered in a field

Agreed. I also drank excessively as a teen, as did most of my friends at the time, and there were no underlying issues, we all grew up and learned to limit our intake eventually. With my own teens we have agreed on a no spirits rule so they stick to lower alcohol lager and cider which seems to have worked in that they get tipsy but not out of control, passed out drunk.