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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Why the fuck do I bother?

28 replies

FedUpMessedAroundMum · 26/03/2026 20:41

So I did everything 'right' or so to speak. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mum until they went to school, I took a back seat to his career to ensure I was there for every playdate, every sports day. Every. Fucking . Thing.

He was a complete shite, I've finally got free of him after 23 years, and I am still the total dogs body. He still does nothing, they still adore him, he can do no wrong.
I still run around doing all school /college arrangements, all doctors, dentists, friends stuff.
They act like I'm a mild irritant in their life that they have to put up with, but would rather be free of.

I'm done with it. I'm so ready to tell them to just fuck off, except I love them body and soul.

Do anyone else feel like his? Just me?

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 26/03/2026 20:42

How old are they?

Original poster
FedUpMessedAroundMum · 26/03/2026 20:44

16 and 17

OP posts:
RoyalPenguin · 26/03/2026 20:45

Time to stop running around after them OP. They need to learn to be independent and stop taking you for granted.

Original poster
FedUpMessedAroundMum · 26/03/2026 20:47

RoyalPenguin · 26/03/2026 20:45

Time to stop running around after them OP. They need to learn to be independent and stop taking you for granted.

They'll piss off to his house, where nothing gets done. It's not even clean. God knows when I'd even see them again though. It's like I'm over a barrel

OP posts:
Grumpynan · 26/03/2026 20:48

I get this, I really do. But I can say that they just don’t show it to mum.

just before Christmas I had a health scare, big one - flashing lights rush to hospital, days with them sat by my bedside. They have since said that receiving that phone call was the worst experience ever. Tbh I love them so much, and I felt like you that they just didn’t see me. Nearly loosing me was a bit much though 😂.

trust me, they see and understand much more than you realise

Original poster
FedUpMessedAroundMum · 26/03/2026 20:51

Grumpynan · 26/03/2026 20:48

I get this, I really do. But I can say that they just don’t show it to mum.

just before Christmas I had a health scare, big one - flashing lights rush to hospital, days with them sat by my bedside. They have since said that receiving that phone call was the worst experience ever. Tbh I love them so much, and I felt like you that they just didn’t see me. Nearly loosing me was a bit much though 😂.

trust me, they see and understand much more than you realise

I'd like to think you were right, but I'm not sure. I just don't think they even care. I feel completely bereft, I just can't believe we've got to this position.

OP posts:
Wahey79 · 27/03/2026 11:09

Have you spoken to them about how you feel? Separately from the daily interactions, when things are calm? It might be worth doing so, even if only so they can’t say you didn’t warn them when you then start to make changes.

Could you cut right back on what you do for them? If they sense you want to keep them from spending more time at their Dad’s they might use that to manipulate the situation. Could you get some support in coping with the concept of them doing that (heading to their Dad’s), so it doesn’t remain something you desperately try to avoid? This could then remove that aspect of pressure you are under.

Do you do anything for yourself? Go to any clubs or social events just for you? Feels like it’s time to have a major review of how much respect you are showing yourself.
Good luck. X

TheHouse · 27/03/2026 11:13

I presume you had the luxury to stay at home financially?

Im seeing this a lot. Stay at home mums furious after 20 odd years blaming the husband for literally everything.

I was a stay at home mum for ten years because

a) that was my personal choice
b) I mostly enjoyed it
c) I didn’t want to work AND mother.

C was a luxury we could afford. I retrained and now I’m back in work full time etc. You could have moved on, found another career, stopped playing the martyr role. Stopped enabling them all etc.

I am beginning to think a lot of this is very self created.

TheHouse · 27/03/2026 11:16

Stop making your kids your whole entire life. If you’ve been a good mother and you are secure in your mothering they’ll come to you. Stop competing. He’s their father, even if he’s shit, you can’t control that.

In the nicest way possible OP, get a life!! Your kids will return. It is the rare adult kid who cuts a mum off and if they do it’s usually for a very good reason.

whattodoforthebest2 · 27/03/2026 11:28

OP, I have absolutely been there and empathise. My eldest was a complete PITA when he was 17/18. He took me for granted, talked to me like dirt and I couldn't let him carry on with 2 younger siblings watching it all happen. I ended up throwing him out after getting police involved (theft) and he went to his dad's. I was relieved if I'm honest about it, although it changed the dynamic at home, it was definitely for the best.

I was NC with his dad, so it was difficult for several months, but we eventually managed to communicate a bit and after about six months he rang me one day, asking me to come and collect him while his dad was out. I did so, his dad went mad at him and things were relatively normal for a while. A few months later he disappeared off to uni 150 miles away and things became a lot calmer, even though he often came home at weekends for sports, gf etc.

I don't think it would be the end of the world for your DS to go to his dad's. Life will change for him and he will very probably realise how much you've been doing for him and what he's taken for granted. Let his dad take on some work now and see how that suits him.

I do understand, it's such a awful situation to be in.

IAxolotlQuestions · 27/03/2026 11:50

If you are doing everything and always have, then he gets to play Disney dad.

Step back. Stop doing everything. If they ‘oss off to his house - fine. Invite them for dinner once or twice a week, and make sure to send friendly messages. Take an interest in their day/lives but let go of all the reins, and if they blame you for something just shrug and say ‘you live with your dad - that’s something the resident parent would do’.

If you want a new dynamic, you have to be the one to create it.

You also need to develop an independent (from children) life. Whether that’s getting a job, taking up a hobby, etc. You have to be interesting in and of yourself if you want them to see you as something other than mum/the maid.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 27/03/2026 11:55

TheHouse · 27/03/2026 11:16

Stop making your kids your whole entire life. If you’ve been a good mother and you are secure in your mothering they’ll come to you. Stop competing. He’s their father, even if he’s shit, you can’t control that.

In the nicest way possible OP, get a life!! Your kids will return. It is the rare adult kid who cuts a mum off and if they do it’s usually for a very good reason.

Absolutely this.

I still run around doing all school /college arrangements, all doctors, dentists, friends stuff.
There's no need to do any of this, don't give it a moment of thought. Your kids are well old enough to do all of this, and chores, cook a few times a week, etc.

Time to cultivate things you enjoy, friendships, hobbies, boosting your pension, planning your future. Your almost adult kids can choose to sleep at their father's house if they want, it's fine.

REDB99 · 27/03/2026 12:05

But you didn’t ’do everything right’ instead you became the dogsbody who no one respects as you chose to stay at home and run around after everyone else. Doing it right would be being independent, letting your children see you do well in a career, making sure they respect that you’re a person who can achieve outside the home and that you’re more than just a stay at home mum.

I hope you’re shifting the narrative now? Get a job, get out of the house, stop doing everything and show that you’re an individual whose value isn’t linked to looking after other people. Your kids are old enough to do things for themselves and fully contribute to keeping the house clean and tidy.

Dontgodownthatpath · 27/03/2026 12:08

Sorry op you are feeling unappreciated but some of this is quite normal. Sixteen and seventeen year olds can be very self centred. It’s just the way they are designed so don’t take it personally!

I think it’s nature’s way of getting them out of the house ultimately and exploring pastures new. This is a temporary phase and they will return to being pleasant people in their mid to late twenties!

Hold a house meeting. Tell them that you really love them and you have done your best for them but now it’s time to focus on yourself a bit more and you believe that they are very capable people who can fend for themselves and learn how to be independent before they go off to university. So you will be expecting them from now on to cook one evening a week each, do their own laundry, clean their own rooms in addition to emptying the dw and taking out the bins.

And in preparation for life they can certainly make their own doctors and dentists appointments and arrangements with friends.

This is your sign to go and get a job op, or go and volunteer or practice some hobbies. Good luck!

Acutissima · 27/03/2026 12:31

I have an interesting take on this. We can choose stay-at-home mothering for ourselves. Sure it benefits the kids and partner .. but ultimately it was your choice to use your time that way. Not theirs. You cannot hinge your happiness and choices and the outcomes of those, onto your (as yet) undeveloped, incomplete young people. They are finding their way, and sometimes it goes badly. They dont "owe" you for choosing to use your time this way. Let them develop.

You took from it what you needed at the time, I presume. Enjoyed the freedom to raise them as you wanted to. Avoided the hassle and boredom of work (I'm not saying staying at home is all roses, obviously, but it does have upsides).

That phase is drawing to a close. It's ok for them to move on. It's even ok for them to be rude dickwads. But it's up to you how you deal with it. You don't have to lay down and take it. You can calmly reassess your situation, travel through the grief of realising that maybe they haven't yet turned into empathetic decent people as we all hope for our kids, but right now it's your time. You're free from a lot of the binds of parenting as they start to distance themselves. Let them make distance.

Be consistent, be loving, but know that no one owes you anything, much less happiness (not even your own kids). I am sure they do love you, but you don't have to centre your life around them any more , whether they are rude and self absorbed or lovely and involved. Let them be who they are, regardless.

Maybe they pick up on your resentment and it makes them feel like they don't measure up. After all, water flows where the path of least resistance lies, and going to their useless dad's might look like a tempting, low effort and guilt free option.. But that doesn't mean you have to compromise on your own boundaries. Just let them.

And just as we should not be overly self absorbed in what we get out of our relationships with them .. there are too many variables, and you don't have control over them any more, you need to adapt and find new outlets for your time. Allow yourself to sketch out the version of who you are now, without them erasing parts of you.

RockyKeen · 29/03/2026 08:35

Do something for yourself, iob / hobby . Start setting boundaries. Don’t pander to them .

Dontgodownthatpath · 29/03/2026 13:04

Acutissima · 27/03/2026 12:31

I have an interesting take on this. We can choose stay-at-home mothering for ourselves. Sure it benefits the kids and partner .. but ultimately it was your choice to use your time that way. Not theirs. You cannot hinge your happiness and choices and the outcomes of those, onto your (as yet) undeveloped, incomplete young people. They are finding their way, and sometimes it goes badly. They dont "owe" you for choosing to use your time this way. Let them develop.

You took from it what you needed at the time, I presume. Enjoyed the freedom to raise them as you wanted to. Avoided the hassle and boredom of work (I'm not saying staying at home is all roses, obviously, but it does have upsides).

That phase is drawing to a close. It's ok for them to move on. It's even ok for them to be rude dickwads. But it's up to you how you deal with it. You don't have to lay down and take it. You can calmly reassess your situation, travel through the grief of realising that maybe they haven't yet turned into empathetic decent people as we all hope for our kids, but right now it's your time. You're free from a lot of the binds of parenting as they start to distance themselves. Let them make distance.

Be consistent, be loving, but know that no one owes you anything, much less happiness (not even your own kids). I am sure they do love you, but you don't have to centre your life around them any more , whether they are rude and self absorbed or lovely and involved. Let them be who they are, regardless.

Maybe they pick up on your resentment and it makes them feel like they don't measure up. After all, water flows where the path of least resistance lies, and going to their useless dad's might look like a tempting, low effort and guilt free option.. But that doesn't mean you have to compromise on your own boundaries. Just let them.

And just as we should not be overly self absorbed in what we get out of our relationships with them .. there are too many variables, and you don't have control over them any more, you need to adapt and find new outlets for your time. Allow yourself to sketch out the version of who you are now, without them erasing parts of you.

Edited

Interesting post.

While I agree that we should all take responsibility for our decisions, no child we bring in to the world owes us anything, and our happiness should not depend exclusively on our marriage, our job, our children, or any one facet of our life, I would also argue that mothers in 2026 cannot still always make entirely free choices with regard to career trajectories, when living in a society that is still in many ways patriarchal and where affordable childcare and social care for the elderly is not a priority as it is in some EU countries. You can’t entirely ignore context.

Motherearthisbusy · 29/03/2026 14:01

Acutissima · 27/03/2026 12:31

I have an interesting take on this. We can choose stay-at-home mothering for ourselves. Sure it benefits the kids and partner .. but ultimately it was your choice to use your time that way. Not theirs. You cannot hinge your happiness and choices and the outcomes of those, onto your (as yet) undeveloped, incomplete young people. They are finding their way, and sometimes it goes badly. They dont "owe" you for choosing to use your time this way. Let them develop.

You took from it what you needed at the time, I presume. Enjoyed the freedom to raise them as you wanted to. Avoided the hassle and boredom of work (I'm not saying staying at home is all roses, obviously, but it does have upsides).

That phase is drawing to a close. It's ok for them to move on. It's even ok for them to be rude dickwads. But it's up to you how you deal with it. You don't have to lay down and take it. You can calmly reassess your situation, travel through the grief of realising that maybe they haven't yet turned into empathetic decent people as we all hope for our kids, but right now it's your time. You're free from a lot of the binds of parenting as they start to distance themselves. Let them make distance.

Be consistent, be loving, but know that no one owes you anything, much less happiness (not even your own kids). I am sure they do love you, but you don't have to centre your life around them any more , whether they are rude and self absorbed or lovely and involved. Let them be who they are, regardless.

Maybe they pick up on your resentment and it makes them feel like they don't measure up. After all, water flows where the path of least resistance lies, and going to their useless dad's might look like a tempting, low effort and guilt free option.. But that doesn't mean you have to compromise on your own boundaries. Just let them.

And just as we should not be overly self absorbed in what we get out of our relationships with them .. there are too many variables, and you don't have control over them any more, you need to adapt and find new outlets for your time. Allow yourself to sketch out the version of who you are now, without them erasing parts of you.

Edited

Fuck me how beautifully written. Love every bit of this.

Miranda65 · 29/03/2026 14:11

Of course teenagers will despise someone who's "always there". They may be wrong in this, but it's a natural reaction. Even decades ago, I remember being embarrassed and mortified that my mother was a SAHM. Yes, I got my socks washed and meals made, but I knew she was bright and could/should have had a career.
They're bound to prefer Dad, coz he lets them do what they like.
Definitely cut back on doing everything for them - at their ages, they need to be looking after themselves and if you continue to run around after them, they'll never appreciate you.

BDeyes · 03/04/2026 09:23

Totally get this op and I could have written your post myself. im in the exact same situation with my eldest in particular who has disappeared to dads and ive not seen for a week. They do not answer their phone when I call or ever call me back.
ive devoted my life to them and I feel like they hate me. Absolutely no idea why as im easy going, don't impose many rules as ive not needed to tbh as theyre generally good. But I feel like they have no love, interest or respect for me. They care way more about dad than about me and ive absolutely no idea why as im the one thats been there and done everything for them.
As for making a life of my own im not allowed to as they hate it if I go out with friends of an evening even though they'll be at dads. They seem to think I should be sat at home alone my entire life.

onpills4godsake · 14/04/2026 17:32

I am in a similar situation but I have not been a SAHM and I have full life with friends and sport etc but my eldest dd is vile to me but lovely to her dad and she has spoken to him about moving there

Ex p and I have spoken and agreed if she wants to do this then that is ok but she will move out and switch rooms with her sister at mine which will mean she takes a lot of her belongings to her fathers to enable her to fit in to dd2’s room.

this way dd2 gets a bigger room as she spends the majority of her time at my house

I am trying to be brave and all- it’s your choice and you’re always welcome back etc but I am gutted

onpills4godsake · 14/04/2026 17:33

Despite me having a full social life, a great career and hobbies the pain of your children growing away from
you and being vile is absolutely gutting

so regardless of working or not the pain is the same

BDeyes · 14/04/2026 22:20

@onpills4godsake I feel your pain as my eldest has now decided to live with their dad and im absolutely heartbroken. we'd not argued in the run up to her leaving but she's just decided she prefers it at dads.
she rarely answers my texts and doesn't return my missed calls. I really dont think they are emotionally mature enough to understand how hurtful this is to us mums.

onpills4godsake · 15/04/2026 07:22

Well after all the emotional upset when actually calling her bluff and offering the move dd has actually done u turn- but how do you then set new boundaries without it looking like I a pushing her out

onpills4godsake · 15/04/2026 07:23

@BDeyes I try to remember they are designed this way to cope with the heater ache of growing up and building independence - it’s living on the set of mean girls sometimes though