Ex wants me to punish teen for refusing contact with dad

[GandT12]

First time posting please handle with care...
Divorced from ex for 4 years, boys are 15 and nearly 13. 15 yr old has had an up and down r/ship with Dad for a few years...he is now refusing to see him after a recent incident. Ex blames me and feels I should be punishing him for not seeing him....we have non court ordered 50 50 and now ex says he won't have our 13 year old either as he doesn't want them split up...advice please? I am gently encouraging, suggesting I meet him with him, suggesting he message him etc, It doesn't feel right to force contact by punishing?

They vote with their feet OP. I’d definitely not be forcing a child to see a parent if they don’t want to. Your DS obviously feels strongly about this.
My DD no longer sees her dad, for good reason; he’s not happy about it. He can kick off all he likes. You reap what you sow.

They are both old enough to decide for themselves if they want contact with their father.. if he wants to pursue the matter.. let him go to court.... no punishment required from anyone..

What was the incident? Do you agree that your son is right to be cross with his dad?
At his age I don’t think anything you do is going to make him want to go. You can’t fix this relationship. If you can honestly say that you’ve been fair to his dad and supportive of the relationship then you’ve done what you can and the issue is his to fix.
I would not be punishing him. It will
do nothing but make it all worse.

I'm hoping someone with real life experience of this will come along, but really, your ex sounds like a control freak. Why punish the 13 year old by not seeing him? Doesn't he want a relationship with either of his children?

You are 100% correct not to punish the 15 year old. He's made a choice for now. It may be reactive, and it may not last forever, but he's made it for a reason that is important to him, and he shouldn't be punished for this. Your ex trying to make you punish him in your time is another element of his attempted control.

You sound like a great parent - keep being you, and follow your instincts.

At that age they can decide if they want to see the other parent or not. Sod your ex, look after yourself and your children 🫂💐

Well, it speaks volumes about your ex that he wants your son 'punished' for not wanting to see him. What a surprise.

No court is going to insist on a 15 year old having contact and I'd put all thoughts around punishment out of your mind and leave decisions about the matter to him. What was this 'incident'?

The 13 year old is just an excuse and if anything, your ex is behaving appalling towards them, if they want contact to continue. ' Them split up' indeed, disgusting.

Your ex sounds immature and manipulative.

What was the incident which caused DS to want to go no contact.

Put in a child maintance claim as now you have both children full time.

It's for your ex to try and repair the situation.

I'd be doing whatever possible to let the DC stay away from this man. He sounds manipulative and borderline abusive. The 15YO has his head screwed on. Of course he doesn't have to go.

Your DC need support to deal with this from you, not more punishment. Having him as a father sounds like there's been enough of that already.

Nope at 15 they get to decide these things for themselves

and your ex is being a total arsehole for taking this out on your 13 yr old

I didn’t force my eldest when they were 7 and I wouldn’t do it at 13 and 15 either ….

presumably you are on your child’s “side” whatever this incident was ….boils down to what that incident involved really as to whether your ex is being unreasonable

obviously don’t know what the incident was, but I’m going to guess that dad is just a lousy dickhead of a dad and he’s just reaped what he’s sowed. 15yo is old enough to make this decision for himself though, as long as there’s no crazy backstory.

wtf does your ex think will be achieve by you punishing your DS? I’d think all it would do is further deepen whatever rift there is between the two of them, and potentially harm your relationship with your son too.

Well he’s obviously not a great dad to begin with, what dad that is upset at the thought of one child not coming to stay with him refuse to see the other child as to not ‘split them up’. Does he not realise he will push them both away or does he just not care?

It seems to me that this is probably just a segway into slipping out of their lives and not paying any child maintenance but he's got some lie to tell himself so he kid himself he's not really an appalling human being..

I think you should point out that he is the adult and he needs to take charge of mending the relationship with his son. Tell him that it's not appropriate to punish your son because their relationship is between the 2 or them and it's unlikely to be the way to bring them back together.

I would also probably point out that with your divorce this is the second person close to him that has voted with their feet in the last 4 years, and maybe he should have a think about why this keeps happening.

Just saying but a judge wouldn’t make your son go and would accept your kids going no contact with dad.

I wouldn’t punish your kids either. Put in a CM claim and leave him (ex) to stew.

Your poor boys.

Another OP that hasn't returned to their thread. Really, what is the point in replying?

So he's going to punish the 13 year old because the 15 year old doesn't want to see him? That's how childish he is because 'not wanting to split them up' is just bullshit. They're not 4 years old.
He sounds like a petulant arsehole OP, don't do anything just because he tells you to.

Huh? It’s barely been an hour and people are just starting to reply? Perhaps she’s cooking tea for said children and will pop back on when she has time?
Op he sounds like a control freak. So he can’t have one thing his way, so now EVERYONE needs to be punished. And how is punishing a child meant to make them want to see you more? Keep all evidence of what he’s saying and go for cms

at 15 here they can do want to ex father

Ah that old chestnut...Dad has fucked up, but rather than take responsibility for his behaviour, he blames his ex-wife for the consequences of his actions!

Both your children can decide if they wish to see their Dad or not. A Court, isn't going to force them to see their Dad, especially the 15 year old.

No, it's not fair on your 13 year old not to see his Dad, because his brother has decided he doesn't want too. Your ex is using your youngest to punish your eldest and make him feel guilty for his brother not seeing his Dad. Your ex is hoping if enough emotional blackmail is applied, your eldest will give in.

Do you think your eldest has made the correct decision? Or do you feel he's reacted to a situation and is likely to come around?

You can encourage a relationship between your ex and your son's, but you can't force one.

At 15 DCis old enough to decide if he wants contacts or not and the frequency of that contact. I wouldn't punish him for refusing contact. It won't improve his relationship with ex and it will damage his relationship with you. Ex is using contact with 13 year old to manipulate the 15 year old. He's hoping 13 year old will apply pressure or be upset.

I would reply to ex.....

I’m not going to punish our 15 year old for not wanting contact with you. I think it’s important their feelings are respected.
If you decide to stop seeing our 13 year old because of this, that’s your choice, but I do worry it could affect your relationship with him.
I’ll let Child Maintenance know about the change in contact so they can adjust your payments accordingly.

🖕

Punishing won't help at all, all you can do is gently encourage which is what you are already doing (and well done for that). The fact he won't see the 13 year old just because the 15 year old won't see him tells me everything I need to know, if I had 2 kids and one didn't want to see me for whatever reason I would not stop seeing the child who did want to see me, I'd remind the 15 year old I loved them, that I'm still here if and when they wanted a relationship with me but I respected their choice and then I'd still continue to see the 13 year old.

Thanks so much for all the support and replies ❤️ they've been really helpful. Funnily enough I've just had to endure parents🤦🏻‍♀️ so apologies for the delay!
I will continue to support and encourage that's all I can do. I think as long as I put the kids first I can't go wrong...I have suggested to him this evening that not seeing the 13 year old on the back of this could also damage his relationship with him too!!
Once again, appreciate the replies ☺️