17-year-old wants me home, but ignores me when I am

[Victoria0205]

i recently started a new relationship 6m ago (my first one in 10y!) and I spend 3-4 nights a week at his house, my 17y old son wants me home 5-6 nights, however when I am home he never leaves his room, never sits with me, hardly even talks some time. I always make sure there is plenty of food for him and his washing is done but anything I do is never good enough, am I being selfish finally wanting my own life? He does as he pleases; goes to the gym when he wants, out with his mates, but still wants me here - and I sit alone every night x

DH and DD are away this week. The house feels cold, quiet and empty. Even when everyone is in different rooms, it doesn’t feel this way when they’re here.

That isn’t to say you have to do as you are told with no discussion. Just that your DS may feel sad and lonely in an empty house.

Could you start doing a film night or something low demand like that?

I think 3-4 nights a week is a lot. I have a 16 year old and wouldnt leave him 1 night let alone 3-4 a week. Maybe it's just me, who knows

3-4 nights a week! You might as well have moved out altogether. That is far too many nights to leave your 17 yr old DS alone in an empty house. He needs the reassurance of your presence even if you’re not actively doing things with him.

3-4 nights is too much, in my opinion. Your son needs you around, not just food in the fridge. Even if he’s in his room, having you there makes a big difference.

We relocated back to Yorkshire 18 months ago when my son was 16 - this was the hardest decision I have ever taken and one that we didn’t rush into. He seemed to love his first year at college but naturally misses his school friends - things have moved on but recently he’s staying in a lot at the weekends. I’m having an absolute meltdown about it as this isn’t usual for him. Any advice? He’s recently got together with a girl but they have a bit of an online relationship to me and don’t do anything together - his mood has definitely changed and I wonder if she is somehow stopping him from being his outgoing lovely self.

He wants to control you I think rather than you spending time with anyone else ie a man.

You're leaving your 17 year old at home more than half the week?! Of course he wants you home. You've basically half moved out and left him alone! What makes you think this is ok??
I leave my 17yo DS one night a week, which he's happy with as he has his girlfriend over. I would never leave him 3/4 nights regularly! That's utterly shit.

He wants his mum to live with him in his home! You think that's controlling for a 17 year old? Ridiculous.

You need to start your own thread

This.

I’m a grown adult and still think there is just something really cold and lonely about being in a totally empty house. You’ve been seeing this person 6 tiny little months and you’re already leaving your son home alone for half the week… doesn’t feel great to me.

I wonder why the new boyfriend never comes to hers for the night? Something odd there.

1 night a week or fortnight perhaps.
But 3 to4 nights a week is just too much.
He is 17 he is still a child and he needs you and wants you.
Can't you wait till he is an adult and perhaps goes to university or something.

You are his mom first before you became someone's partner.

Your responsibility is to your son.
How would you like the fact that his memory of you in the future that you left him 3/4 nights a week to see your boyfriend.

You should be ashamed.
Poor child.

3-4 nights a week seems a lot to just be leaving a 17 year old home on his own to me.

3-4 nights away is too many. That's actually really harsh leaving him for that long.

1 night away is fine at that age. Probably just every other week. He will appreciate you being around even if you aren't in the same room together. Does he have any siblings in the house?

Jesus, I’ve got a 17 year old who may not spend time with me but likes to know I’m around. And I value every day I have that, because before long he will be grown and gone for good and I’m left with just memories of his childhood. I’m yet to meet a man worth giving that up for.

I agree with others, being away for 3-4 nights a week is a lot. My DS (17) wouldn’t like me to do that regularly either- the occasional long weekend, fine, but not every week.

You’re leaving a 17 year old home alone for 3-4 nights a week? How utterly selfish of you.

You’re a mum, that should be the priority, not the new relationship.

Fair cop,I didn't read the op properly.

It’s the move that’s making him stay him. How else is he supposed to stay in touch with his friends if not online. You can’t pin this on the gf.

At 16, everyone at school will already be in well established friendship groups. He won’t get entry into one where he can go out every weekend.

His next chance is at University.

I think 3-4 nights at a new boyfriend’s house is too
much with a 17 year old at home. I suspect he wants the comfort that you’re there. Does your boyfriend ever stay at yours?

How could you?! Poor kid should be your priority. You chose to have him, finish the job he’ll be gone soon enough. How sad.

Too many nights alone in the house. Why can't the new boyfriend stay at your house some nights . Does your son not want him there ? Need to prioritise your son , he is still only young and needs you . The fact that he has said so speaks volumes.

As many have said - it’s a lot of time he’s alone.

maybe he’s not interacting but he probably just wants to know you’re there. You’re his mum. It’s a safety/security thing.
can you do 1 night at his and 1 night he comes to yours. I think that’s plenty.

poor kid

My 17 year old hates me having a life. Hates me being out at night. Harasses me if I am. They get to go out and tbh I probably also give them a hard time making sure they safe and have way home. I have decided that they are afraid of being alone and that is as simple as it is therefore my partner and I never have time off. We have had to learn to adapt and have time alone in day and enjoy day dates. As my dad say it’s all just a moment of time. It’s not ideal no. Some may say I should rule the roost better but I am trying to balance my parenting style with my expectation of them also. It’s hard.

This is slightly different though. Your DC should not harass you or give you a hard time for having an evening out. They are plenty old enough to spend the evening at home alone. Staying away half the week is a different matter.