Single parent: tweenager won't come on holiday

[Stillbloodysingle]

My son is 12, and lately he doesn't want to do anything with me, which is normal for his age. But now he's saying he doesn't want to come on holiday with me.

We've had some great holidays together. We're quite adventurous. We've been backpacking across Asia in recent years and we've done plenty of stuff that he's loved. But now he says we "always argue" so he'd rather spend time with his dad who lives abroad and whom he only sees twice a year. (I wouldn't mind, but when he's with his dad, he complains about him too!)

He's the kind of kid who sees himself as my equal and digs his heels in whenever he can. I try to see his point of view where appropriate while holding a hard line when it's important. But I just don't know what to do with this.

It's important to me that we spend some time as a family - albeit a very small one. But if I force him, he's quite capable of ruining the holiday. A large part of me thinks he should just stop being such a bloody brat and count himself lucky he's getting a holiday at all!

Anyone got any suggestions??

What’s the background to him saying you always argue? I’d focus on that and trying to unpick it.

Honestly? I'd send him to his dad's for a couple of weeks and go away on your own to have the holiday you want. Maybe a bit of time apart will do you both good.

Compromise - try a couple of long weekends together instead to get that 'family time' together.

And, yes take him at his word and leave him with his dad whilst you have a holiday. I think you'll find hell be keen to come with you next time...

I think we need more around the fat he says you always argue and that he sees you as his equal. That is the basis of your relationship not because hes that kind of kid….:

Could he take a friend. That usually works better.

I was going to suggest this

My DC was a bit like this 13-14 and I thought holidays were not going go happen much. He changed at 15 and has already thought about where we will go this summer (he’ll be 17). Can you entice him with a destination/ activities?

This is also true. When my DC was less keen I accepted it and said it was fine to stay with his dad. I think he then felt left out and wanted to come. If he doesn’t, enjoy your own trip

this is the second “my teenage son won’t come on holiday” thread I’ve replied to in as many days.

last one got pulled for not being genuine 🤨

Instead of longer holidays, suggest a couple of weekends breaks instead. However, if he still insists that he would rather stay with his Dad who lives abroad, then take him at his word. I'm sure once he realises that Mum is planning a holiday by herself, to somewhere nice, he'll change his tune!!

He should think himself lucky, not all children are able to go on holiday in the UK, let alone abroad. My 15 year old son has never complained about going on holiday with us, he looks forward to exploring different places.

It’s a phase- we had it with DS. Now at 19 he gets sulky when we head off without him, even though he goes on his own holidays with his mates.

I would just agree with him and plan something that perhaps is more adult oriented holiday wise when he is with his DF. He will likely be annoyed he is not included and want to come the next time. It’s also good practice for you to do a solo holiday.

He's 12. He's basically hardwired to be a selfish brat at the moment.

Things will change. Have a chat with his dad and then have another chat with your ds and maybe offer either a holiday with you or a longer stay with his dad. This year he might take up the dad offer but that doesn't mean it's the end of holidays with you, next year he'll have had another personality transplant and things will be different again.

I only wish it weren't genuine because life would be so much easier! 😅😭

I'm really good at solo holidays. Just love him and want to spend some quality time with him while we're not chasing our tails over school, work, caring for family, etc. Good to hear it's a phase though. Thanks 🙏

Personality transplant feels like the right phase to use! 😬

This is basically what I feel - he should think himself lucky. We rarely had holidays when I was a kid, but it's the one thing we spend money on as a family. He loves 'big' nature. Or did. Until flipping Nintendo became his One True Love 😬😬😬

What does he like? At 12 I'd have hated back packing in Asia. My ds would have refused point blank to go.
Why not take him somewhere warm and relaxing, with a sports club for teens and let him spend time doing things he likes.
South of France?

Unfortunately he and his friends seem a bit flaky at the moment. No one seems to commit to anything. And, if I'm honest, I'm not sure how I'd feel about it being me plus him and another tween I don't know very well... the idea doesn't sound like much of a holiday! 😅

Not sure why he can’t do both- three or four weeks of summer with dad and two on a holiday with you?

it would be great to do a holiday like mark Warner where he can make friends and do activities and you can relax by pool with a book. Or visit a country that he’s studying the language for gcse and you can stick him in a language school in the mornings if he complains he’ll be bored!

Could you also do a group tour like g explorers that have some family tours so you’d both have other people to talk to - less to argue about as the tour makes decisions and other people there diffuse things

Unfortunately separation of self is also quite normal during adolescence and it’s necessary for him in his development. All I can say is don’t force it. Maybe find a lower key relaxing holiday in UK where he can join in activities with others like say surfing or something and then spend time together in the evenings.
He will come back if you let him go now. Oh and all teens/tweens have a period where they are pretty insufferable, from experience it’s good to get it out the way early. DS was 13-14 during covid and pretty hideous for a lot of it, but he is lovely now at 19 and has great emotional intelligence.

https://www.gadventures.com/travel-styles/family/ g adventures I mean, I’d love to do Costa Rica or Galapagos if budget stretches!

Re. your username - this would be a really bad time to bring another unrelated adult into his home and his life. Hold off for a few years.

Let him go to his dad's and make it very clear that it was his decision. This is a phase that will pass but he can't hold you to ransom OP. I know you want to spend time with him but there's no point in pushing it and both of you ending up with a bloody miserable holiday.

He's always been very opinionated. Even at nursery they gave his graduation "career projection" as politician because "he always has something to say"!

I'm sure in many ways that determination will serve him well, but at times it can be very hard to wrangle. He will always do things his way. Even with things like homework, because he's quite forgetful, I try to instil a homework first ethos. But he just won't. I've tried cajoling, banning screen time, rewarding ... you name it.

Since he always does it eventually I've given up that battle to save both our energy...

The "we always argue" piece comes from situations like the following: there's a sandwich place 15 minutes' walk from our place. He LOVES the food there. Sometimes, I'll say, "Let's go there at the weekend." He says yes. I remind him throughout the week. He still says yes. I'll remind him an hour before we go. He says OK. Then, when it's time to leave, he'll say, "I'm not going". I'll ask why. He'll say, "Because I don't want to."

I admit that, depending on tiredness/hormone levels that can sometimes make me mad. Sometimes I deal calmly but occasionally I don't.

Even his nanna, who has waaaay more patience than me, finds it hard to deal with sometimes. It can feel like every little thing has to be contested...