Single parent: tweenager won't come on holiday

[Stillbloodysingle]

My son is 12, and lately he doesn't want to do anything with me, which is normal for his age. But now he's saying he doesn't want to come on holiday with me.

We've had some great holidays together. We're quite adventurous. We've been backpacking across Asia in recent years and we've done plenty of stuff that he's loved. But now he says we "always argue" so he'd rather spend time with his dad who lives abroad and whom he only sees twice a year. (I wouldn't mind, but when he's with his dad, he complains about him too!)

He's the kind of kid who sees himself as my equal and digs his heels in whenever he can. I try to see his point of view where appropriate while holding a hard line when it's important. But I just don't know what to do with this.

It's important to me that we spend some time as a family - albeit a very small one. But if I force him, he's quite capable of ruining the holiday. A large part of me thinks he should just stop being such a bloody brat and count himself lucky he's getting a holiday at all!

Anyone got any suggestions??

Literally zero intention (or opportunity!)

I think this mindset is a bit weird. Why should he think himself lucky being made to do something he doesn't want to do? Is it just because it costs money? He clearly have some negative memories from previous trips. Just let him go and stay with his dad instead and do your own thing in the meantime. I get that you want to spend quality time with him, but he clearly doesn't feel the same.

FWIW I haven't used this account in YEARS, so this is a very old username I had to resurrect to post!

He's absolutely LOVED it. He loves trying new food, seeing things he's never seen before ... we wouldn't have gone so many times if he didn't. This is partly where the frustration comes in. He complains about it but then has a great time when he's there (as long as there are breaks for screentime, etc. obviously...)

“He's the kind of kid who sees himself as my equal”

OP, he’s like this because you’ve let him become so, but I’m not blaming you for it - I think it’s difficult when there’s just the two of you. I remember coming back from university and being amazed that my younger brother was swanking around like the “man of the house” because my father was working abroad. I don’t think it’s even a conscious thing: when there’s just you and him, it happens because you ask his opinion on things and he thinks you’re on the same level. This is why he’s refusing to come in holiday - he thinks he has the right to. At twelve, my DC wouldn’t have had the choice. But if this is the relationship you have, then as others have said, I’d let him go to Dad’s and go on holiday by yourself or with a friend. Be sure to take plenty of photos and go on and on about how amazing it was when you get back. I’ve always told my kids that you should take every opportunity in life, and the things you regret are the things you don’t do, so long as they’re not dishonourable. As for his refusing to come to the sandwich shop with you, I’d say fine, but that’s all there is on offer, so if you choose not to come you’ll be going hungry.

At this age most kids wouldn't want to be seen dead with their parents. Send him to his Dad and enjoy a peaceful soul holiday!!

We made our son come on a ski ing holiday he didn’t want to come on.

i can tell you right now that an angry tween or teen can really mess up your holiday if they are determined that they don’t want to be there and want to piss you off to the maximum possible.

just leave him with dad.

So why not ask him what he would do with you, instead of imposing your will on him?

Do you argue with him when you'Re away (is it because you are making him do stuff he doesn't really want to do?)

The point of children growing and maturing is that they develop their own personalities, wants and needs. Our job as parents is to take account of that in our planning (and you should be grateful that you don't have to plan a holiday for 2 adults with different ideas of what a holiday is, a teen and an under 10...)

And if he really wants to go to his dad? then let him go, and go where you want on holiday. Win-win.

And if he moans about his dad and being at his dad's? that is part and parcel of it all, i'm afraid. Just nod and "yes dear"

Also just because he has loved doing something for years doesn’t mean he will continue as a teen.

Even if they still secretly do love it, their hormones conspire to make them turn against it as babyish.

We found this with DS and Tenerife but now he’s changed his tune and is delighted we’re bank rolling a break there with him and his DGF later this year.

Don’t worry about the Nintendo obsession. It’s another teenage phase. DS was obsessed with X box for a few years during the teenage phase and I worried he would waste his life on it. However, he lost interest in it when going out with friends and finding his lovely girlfriend gave him more rewarding ways of spending his time. To the extent that he chose not to take the X box with him to university and he got rid of it totally soon after graduation.

Another vote for go off without him and see if he changes his tune next year. Having the option of sending him to his dad is great, absolutely no chance of being made to feel guilty that you “left him behind” at a later date.
Sounds like he’s been pretty spoilt with regards to holidays. This should make him appreciate it more.

I do get the wanting to spend quality time though. The long weekend idea sounds good for that. But don’t compromise on your solo holiday, go somewhere fab and have a lovely carefree time!

Sounds like he has a very similar personality to my DD. At the age of 8 she informed me she was now perfectly capable of looking after herself and that she wanted to live in her own flat! Obviously didn’t happen, but gives you an idea of how strong willed she is.

I found that, safeguarding or extreme situations notwithstanding, it was better to let her do things her way and take any adverse consequences of her decisions. She soon learned her lessons and changed her approach to things when it was her decision. With the homework, as long as it gets done it really doesn’t matter how he goes about it. If his methods fail and he misses deadlines, he will have detention and will learn from that.

DD’s strong will has served her well in gaining success in an extremely competitive field, so rest assured your DS will go far in life!

Thanks. I hadn't heard of these. Looks interesting! (And Galapagos... if only! 🤩)

This is very reassuring to hear! Thank you 🤗

This is also very reassuring! Thank you 😊

He's consulted at every step of the way but his current suggestions for alternatives haven't gone beyond, "Dunno" 😬

Take a friend with you, one of his friends and they will amuse themselves

you won’t get much social interaction from them, but this is a phase

better if you and a like minded other single mum friend can go together

Is there any chance it's the type of holiday he's not into? Try as I might I can't imagine a back packing holiday for an under 12 year old. We have active elements involving hiking, surfing etc. on hols but we don't backpack like interailing type stuff.

I agree. With another family yes. Single parent plus two teens - no thanks

We recently went to Mexico and my 15/16 yr old complained about doing "touristy things" like museums, pyramids, etc. He said " I work so hard at school I just want to lie on a beach". I called his bluff and booked a holiday to the Maldives, he is now point blank refusing to come "why do I want to go to a beach with my parents". Fortunately I got the flights on airmiles so I can get them refunded. But you clearly can't please teenagers.
I got my revenge though, he came looking for a handout to go to Zante with his mates in the summer and I told him I'd lost all our holiday money on the cancelled Maldives trip.

He is 12 and should do what he is told …..

😫😅HOW do we tolerate them??!! 😂

At 12 id be telling him what he was doing

This is how I feel at heart, but he says, "What are you going to do? Drag me there?" I know he's bloody minded enough to either make me physically drag him to the airport and/or keep up a strop for the full week. I've got so much on my plate at the moment I actually want a restful break, not a pitched battle...

I'm reasonably strict with him and he more or less toes the line, but this total mutiny is a new experience.

This level of cheek is crazy to me. At 12 I was told where we were going on holiday, and bloody grateful for it!

My brother and I wouldn't dare have complained. Honestly the lack of respect nowadays.