Worried I messed up talking to dd14 about contraception

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I recently had a conversation with dd about contraception. For some reason I ended up getting emotional and having to fight back tears. I asked her if she needed to go on a contraception (she said no) and to tell me if she needed to.

Now I feel like I should have maybe encouraged it more. She has a boyfriend and just recently I’ve been worrying about this.

Did I mess up? Should I have said she needs to go on contraception rather than letting her tell me?

Obviously we can talk about it anytime and I hope now that I’ve started the conversation she will feel more comfortable talking to me about it. I just hope me getting emotional doesn’t put her off talking about it.

I’d probably feel uneasy if my mum started tearing in front of me and I’d not want to return to the topic. She might not be sexually active though and I wouldn’t be encouraging it either. The pill could protect against teen pregnancy if taken properly but it won’t protect against STDs. She’ll know this from school though.

When I was 14, I had no thoughts or intention of having sex. Even when getting my first proper boyfriend if you like. I innocently thought because I were a virgin, so was he. A few months later I found out that actually he had 3 previous partners of which he had slept with. He was 15. Instantly, and very naively.. I then allowed the panic to take over and gave up my virginity. Thinking if I didn't, he would leave. Please remember 14, gullible, naive, daft. Anyway, I am 34. My daughter turned 20 two weeks ago. I think what you have done is wonderful in mother daughter terms. I did the same with my daughter and she came to me when ready just as previously discussed. I don't feel it's you encouraging sex, but allowing a huge level of trust between you both. Something I never experienced with my parents. This is a very overwhelming time for both parent and teen. So many transitions in the making. All we can do it realistically guide. We're all human and need to make mistakes to learn from them. My biggest yet best mistake is my eldest daughter. Saying that, I am not trying to promote teen pregnancy! Xx

@KellyAnne47thank you for sharing you story, it is absolutely an overwhelming time.

should I book a dr appointment to discuss contraception with dd?

If your daughter consents, yes. However, chances are the doctor will ask you to leave the room to speak with DD alone. I remember feeling how you do now, but I just remembered that the trust must run both ways. She must gain yours and you hers. This will make you feel much more at ease. It's scary because these days the kids are at it much younger than our day. I know that makes me sound like a hypocrite.. But there is so much out there now which influences and pressures our children.

Definitely agree there is alot of influence and pressure these days. I just hope I’ve done the right thing and not scared her off talking to me.

How old were you when you decided to take the leap? Wondering if you could maybe use that to your advantage in making her a little more relaxed?

I’m damned if I’d have included my mother in my consideration of contraception, when I stated having sex at 15! My boyfriend of 9 months used a condom every single time, until I went on the pill as soon as I was 16 (in those days the Family Planning Clinic expected you to be 16) - I wouldn’t have dreamed of going to our family GP about it.

We eventually married, and divorced, and not once in our 14 year relationship did we have unprotected sex.

It’s great that your daughter is able to have those chats with you.

I remember at about 14/15 my Mum having a gentle conversation with me about it being absolutely OK to say no - you only lose your virginity once and how wonderful it is to say that you have no regrets about when you did.
I lost mine at 17 to one of the most brilliant men I've ever had the privilege of knowing - we'd dated for about 8 months prior to that and then stayed together for another 6 years until separating after uni. I was his first, too.
We are now 45 and 47 and married to different people but remain great friends and always will do until one of us passes. We've even agreed to haunt each other at that point!!! 😆

Why did you get teary about it? It feels like you're assuming your daughter will be having sex, it might not be on her radar at all.

Def no. I wouldn't have been impressed if my mum had done that given I didn't have sex till 18!

@Destiny123 Not every teenager waits until they are 18!

I don’t know why I got teary. It just seemed like a big conversation and I felt overwhelmed.
I have a friend who had a baby at 15 so just want to do the best I can to make sure this doesn’t happen to dd.

Was I wrong to talk to her about contraception?

Did you talk to her about healthy relationships, consent, peer pressure, that most people don't start having sex until they're older than she is, all of the emotions that accompany a sexual relationship and why it would be wise to wait...?

Or did you just talk to her about contraception and therefore communicate that you are expecting her to start having sex at 14? Inadvertently adding more pressure that this is what she's supposed to be doing at 14.

You started crying? And now you want to actually demand she starts taking a medication she has said no to? Guess consent doesn’t matter much in your house then.

I think this would have been a better and more responsible conversation tbh.

No! It's up to HER! You can't decide she's getting contraception. She might not even be thinking of having sex, I know I wasn't at 14. I would have been mortified if my mum had taken me to the doctor just because I had a boyfriend. We had absolutely no intention of making it physical at that stage.

But what if she is having unprotected sex? It could result in pregnancy at 14! I’m only trying my best to stop this from happening

To add, I didn’t have a boyfriend till I was much later and by then I was already on a contraception for other reasons so never needed this conversation with my mum

This is definitely something you need to let her lead with. Don’t imply you don’t trust her and think she is having sex already by making a GP appointment. That will heap pressure on her. And the trust thing is a biggy.
She may not want to involve you at all in these things. And that’s her choice (she may feel responsible for your emotions now that you’ve been crying and emotional in a conversation that needed to be practical but supportive. Sorry).

That’s why you have actual conversations with your kid without crying. Do you think she believes she can come talk to you about it now? After you started crying?

You do not force a child to take a medication just because you don’t know how to talk to her properly.

You were not wrong to talk to your daughter about contraception but I think you need to encourage open communication rather than a one off conversation.

I've spoken to my son about "Sextortion" (when scammers online ask for photos/sex acts online and then blackmail the person) several times over a number of years. It's not a nice conversation to have with a youngsters but it's a neccessary one when people have killed themselves as young as 14 in these circumstances.

Some 14 year old won't be thinking of having sex, others will so best to speak about it in case your daughter is. I also wouldn't want my child having sex in a public place and all the consequences that could come with that do would talk to her about that for example.

I did say to her to talk to me whenever she needed to. I didn’t want to get emotional but I did. I can’t change that now.
I thought this is what I was supposed to do, talk about contraception. I did say that it’s not that I’m expecting her to be having sex now but as she has a boyfriend it was something that needs to be talked about. I made it clear that it’s not something that 14 year olds should be doing.

Not unless your daughter asks you to.

I suspect your daughter is not having sex with her boyfriend and feels a bit weird about you seemingly being convinced that she is.

Having a boyfriend really doesn’t automatically mean that she’s having sex. Most kids don’t have sex with their first ever boyfriend/girlfriend in their early teens. Some do, sure. But you seem to be assuming it’s just a given that they’re shagging each other. They’re probably not. She has told you that she doesn’t need contraception so no, don’t book a doctor’s appointment for her. It would be intrusive and awkward to drag her to the doctor for an appointment she doesn’t want about something so personal.

You’re being hyper anxious and overwrought about the very normal and common development of a 14-year-old having a boyfriend. All this panic and tears and catastrophising isn’t normal and you need to calm down.

You can’t control this. You had a conversation about contraception and she told you she doesn’t need it yet. You have to take that as the truth. Having a boyfriend at 14 doesn’t automatically mean they’re having sex.

My guess is that if or when she does need it, she’ll sort it out for herself, but I expect if she needs help she’ll ask you.

You started the conversation, it’s not once and done forever surely? Just because you got emotional once or think you might not quite have said the right thing this time doesn’t mean it’s closed down forever.

Id leave it a day or two, and then when there’s an appropriate time just say ‘listen, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last week getting emotional when I was trying to talk about contraception. You must have wondered what on earth was up with me! It felt like a big important conversation, and it’s all tied up with you getting older and growing up, so I think I put too much pressure on it and that’s why I got all teary, which of course probably made it even more awkward for you! I’ve had time to think now and I realise all I was really trying to say is that I’m here, you can talk to me about this stuff - I promise I’ll try not to start crying on you again!’

Leave it there, don’t start quizzing about contraception again. But just tune in then, show that you’re listening to her, I’m sure something will come up about a friend or something on tv or whatever that might open up a more general conversation around this stuff, and again it can be light touch it doesn’t have to be one huge thing.