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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Worried I messed up talking to dd14 about contraception

35 replies

NameEdit · 05/03/2026 08:14

I recently had a conversation with dd about contraception. For some reason I ended up getting emotional and having to fight back tears. I asked her if she needed to go on a contraception (she said no) and to tell me if she needed to.

Now I feel like I should have maybe encouraged it more. She has a boyfriend and just recently I’ve been worrying about this.

Did I mess up? Should I have said she needs to go on contraception rather than letting her tell me?

Obviously we can talk about it anytime and I hope now that I’ve started the conversation she will feel more comfortable talking to me about it. I just hope me getting emotional doesn’t put her off talking about it.

OP posts:
AllTheChatsAboutTea · 05/03/2026 14:07

Yes, you were right to have a conversation about contraception but I would have thought it would be one of a number of conversations about relationships, consent, porn, sexual health…
You’ve made it into a “big deal” when it really didn’t need to be.

Fridgetapas · 05/03/2026 14:21

It doesn’t sound great tbh, getting teary and emotional about it. But it’s done now and like everyone says it’s not the only conversation to have. Lots of important things still to talk about like what a healthy relationship looks like, STIs etc.
Also try not to get into this whole ‘losing your virginity is such a wonderful thing’ etc etc. Yes it’s good to have sex with respectful boys/men but at the end of the day sex is a natural thing and I don’t think we put as much pressure on boys to keep their virginity and make it into such a big deal.

Trusttheawesomeness · 05/03/2026 14:31

NameEdit · 05/03/2026 13:37

I did say to her to talk to me whenever she needed to. I didn’t want to get emotional but I did. I can’t change that now.
I thought this is what I was supposed to do, talk about contraception. I did say that it’s not that I’m expecting her to be having sex now but as she has a boyfriend it was something that needs to be talked about. I made it clear that it’s not something that 14 year olds should be doing.

You are supposed to talk about it, but at 14 she should know it all and you should have had a lot of these conversations already. So when it comes time to actually asking if she needs to be on contraception, it should be quite a causal chat because you’ve talked about it several times by that point.

My boys are 14 and 12. I started the puberty chats with each of them when they were about 7, and then moved into the sex chat at around 10 (age appropriately odiously). I have always had sanitary products openly out in the bathroom so they’ve never thought of the biology of reproduction as odd. I started the actual sex, condoms, peer pressure, photos, etc chat at 12/13. Now with my 14 year old, it was very easy and normal to
discuss condoms and safe sex and all the stuff we hope our kids will do. No one started crying, and my kid wasn’t even embarrassed. We’re just quite an open household.

Talking to her is right, but it sounds like you’ve not really done it much with this stuff and crying while doing it will have made her very uncomfortable. If they’re uncomfortable then they won’t talk to you and they won’t ask for help.

KellyAnne47 · 05/03/2026 14:58

At the end of the day, no one knows your daughter the way you do. So while I'm sure people's own experiences or ideas of having this chat may be a different approach to yours, there's no right or wrong. Don't beat yourself up. There's no manual for this. And all teens are different. My daughters came to me with opposite attitudes after my talk with them. I didn't do anything differently. Depends on the person. Xx

LayaM · 05/03/2026 15:07

I think you did get this wrong and need to start over on a completely different tack. Contraception is an important discussion but it's the final part of a series of chats you need to have that focus on consent, knowing when you are ready, how to say no, how to deal with the emotions of first love and (perhaps more controversial here on mumsnet) that sex should be a fun and enjoyable part of life whether you have one partner your whole life or many. THEN when you have built up a comfortable, confiding space do you speak to about the nuts and bolts of contraception and start talking about Drs. The idea being that your daughter will feel comfortable telling you when the time comes.

You have leapt to the last stage and upset both of you in the process, you need to start over and take your time.

Surelythistime · 05/03/2026 15:08

It’s all well and good to talk about trust but if you get it wrong and trust a daughter who then ends up pregnant then what then?

My child is at a similar age and stage. I told her when she told me she has a boyfriend that she is too young to be having sex but that when the time comes she can speak to me. I won’t lie I find the topic difficult to discuss with her which I am disappointed with myself about but what can I do?

Fridgetapas · 05/03/2026 16:56

LayaM · 05/03/2026 15:07

I think you did get this wrong and need to start over on a completely different tack. Contraception is an important discussion but it's the final part of a series of chats you need to have that focus on consent, knowing when you are ready, how to say no, how to deal with the emotions of first love and (perhaps more controversial here on mumsnet) that sex should be a fun and enjoyable part of life whether you have one partner your whole life or many. THEN when you have built up a comfortable, confiding space do you speak to about the nuts and bolts of contraception and start talking about Drs. The idea being that your daughter will feel comfortable telling you when the time comes.

You have leapt to the last stage and upset both of you in the process, you need to start over and take your time.

Such a sensible post! And summarised so much better than I tried to do.

Original poster
NameEdit · 05/03/2026 18:12

I feel so stupid and annoyed at myself for getting this so wrong.
Teenage years are by far the hardest!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2026 18:18

Please do not berarte yourself for getting emotional. It's fine and normal. Our kids are all growing up and it can be scary/emotional

In your shoes I'd probably pick a time when you are together, maybe side by side; like walking some where.Then just say. Sorry I got teary the other day. Don't know what came over me! But I just want you to know you can talk to me about anything.

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 05/03/2026 18:43

I have always, and will always, hate people crying on me.

It’s awkward in the extreme. Your poor daughter.

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