Help with my daughter struggling with friends.

[Dizzyrobin]

My 12 year old DD is really struggling and I've tried everything I can to help but nothing has worked so far, so looking for any advice.

At primary my DD struggled to make friends, it was a small school and she just didn't seem to fit with the other girls. She was often on her own at break times and never got invited to any birthday parties past age 5. It was heartbreaking.

When she moved to secondary I did a lot of work with her on the importance of kindness, listening, not being bossy or overly loud etc. I bought her books on how to be a good friend following all the advice I read online.

In the last 18 months of secondary school she easily makes friends, she's confident and chatty, but after a very short while they lose interest and she has to find new friends. She takes part in 3 different clubs outside school and the same thing happens there.

I do all I can to help by having her friends over, taking them out to do activities etc. But every time it just fizzles.

Clearly my DD is doing/saying something that puts people off her. We've gone through everything from ensuring she's not annoying, rude, arrogant, but it's still happening. I'm obviously not present to witness how she's behaving (and I know kids act differently when their parents aren't around), so I don't know what else I can do to help.

She's in tears most weeks cause she doesn't have close friends, she knows lots of people but there's no closeness. She's can't understand why everyone else at school seems to have close friends but she doesn't. She's a good kid, very kind hearted.

It's really breaking my heart and I'm worried about her mental wellbeing. Can anyone relate or have any advice?

There’s too much pressure being put on ‘closeness’ of the friendships.

More often than not, close friendships at this age can lead to squabbles and drama. It’s not all perfect.

You need to explain to your DD that there are positives in being able to move between groups and making friends easily. That’s a real skill. That she will find her group naturally, it cant be forced.

Please don’t go over areas that she could be going wrong (is she being annoying etc), that’s not going to do anything for her confidence. She needs to work this out on her own. However upsetting that may be for you.

Can you spell out a bit more what happens?

So she starts school, makes friends ok, presumably she sits with them at lunch and chats at break etc. Then they “lose interest”… what does this mean? Do they start deliberately sitting somewhere else at lunch? Do they expressly say they don’t want to be friends? Does she end up with nobody to sit with?

Also (I hate saying this) does she have a phone?

Yeah, at first they'll walk from class with her, she'll sit with them at break and lunch and then after a couple of weeks they stop talking to her, will leave her sitting alone at the lunch table, and not make any attempt to engage her. Nothing significant happens, so she can't understand what's gone wrong. One group of supposed friends started throwing food at her daily and laughing in her face. She doesn't want to be alone so she'll try sitting with other people and the same thing happens.

We've discussed all of this, but she sees so many girls with "best friends", it's all she's ever wanted since primary. I've told her about the problems that can lead to, but she just wants to feel part of a friendship group.

Sorry to ask this - is she clean/does she smell? Is she wearing normal clothes, like other teenage girls?

Has she thought of going along to Girl Guides or a local drama class. Better to make friends outside of school maybe.

Wow, that's full-on bullying! Have you raised it with the school?

What about a change of school?

I really don't know what to suggest, these situations are so hard. I am not sure that not having friends can be fixed by trying harder, improving your social skills etc. It sounds already that she has got some quite good social skills, being able to make new friends easily at the start and so on.

I'd say just make sure that home is a safe and non-judgemental space where you have a rich social life and plenty of activities all together as a family or with family friends. Just take the pressure off finding friends. (I know that may sound glib but I think she also may be blaming herself and feeling pressure.) The tween years can be particularly difficult socially, in addition to what you say about her not having deep friendships even in primary school. I do hope the situation will resolve and she will find the longed-for close friendship.

I'm so sorry to hear this op: it is heart-breaking when your want to protect your dc from things, and you seem to be doing a great job.

Sadly, she is obviously doing something to trigger this, and you are doing absolutely the right thing to try to get to the bottom of it, as it could impact her MH and also won't be helping her social skills develop.

Have you tried asking her teachers? That's where I would start.

Failing that, perhaps it is a case of taking a deep breath and asking one of the more approachable mothers. Knowing that she is seen as a "show-off" or whatever it might be (and there are so many possibilities) would really help narrow things down.

Is there any possibility she is ND as that can sometimes result in social quirks too.

I know this is something of a Mumsnet trope - but could she be ND?

I have a DS who is AuADHD. Makes friend easily, but some friendships fizzle out. He is very chatty and people are drawn to him initially, but I’ve seen him interacting with friends in social settings and he can be quite annoying ( poking people for example. He thinks it’s just having fun, but he doesn’t seem to notice he is pissing people off)

but with boys, they see to be a bit more immature anyway, so he seems to get away with it.

i think if she doesn’t know why they stop talking to her then it’s a sign she isn’t reading social cues. She might be saying things that annoy people.

its also far trickier to diagnose in girls as they are more likely to mask.

She's very well kept takes a lot of pride in her appearance. She does 3 out of school clubs, 2 sporting and one drama. Same thing has happened there (especially the sporting ones)

I have wondered that but wouldn't know where to start in terms of identifying/diagnosing. As you say girls can mask it

Hi @Dizzyrobin i have no words of wisdom, but i am in exactly the same position with my DD too. My dd does lots of different extra curricular and got into the car sobbing the other day because someone had blanked her and she was afraid that the same thing that happens at school was now happening at this club. Heart breaking (and emotionally draining) as a parent.

This sounds very hard. Would you say she listens to others and picks up on social cues? Possibly does she seem too keen /too needy as it's so important to her? Possibly what seems like small perceived "rejections" to her then get magnified?

Thank you. It's such a hard age for them and I just want to help her. Unfortunately, like most schools, they don't tend to take the trivial stuff seriously.

In fairness to DD, words like "trivial" and "small rejections" have been used a few times, but having food thrown at you really isn't trivial or a small rejection.

She is being bullied.

For what its worth, next parents evening i was going to go on my own (usually dd comes with me) and speak to form tutor/head of year/sen department and see if they have noticed anything, can give advice.

Problem is that because she's never really had friends the parents don't know her, therefore I don't know any who could offer insight. Most adults that know her say she's lovely.

I'm hoping we can get to the bottom of it for her own wellbeing.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It is draining but I'll do all I can to listen and support her where I can. Girls can be so mean.

But could you ask them to ask their child what it is? Children tend to be quite open about these things!

ETA we had a girl at school who used to make things up to impress. Not terrible or dramatic things, just things like if someone had a new fancy pencil she'd always say "I've got one of them too - at home." As an adult, I can see clearly now she was trying to win approval and present as being part of things, but it pissed us off mightily because we cottoned on that it wasn't true. If my mum had asked me why we were frustrated by her, it would have been the simplest thing for us to explain.

I think all.of that. She now over thinks everything becomes too needy in fear of being left out and worries about the slightest thing. I think she might be trying to hard and it's having the opposite effect - although I can't know for sure

Good suggestion thank you

I think that situation definitely knocked her confidence, it happened the first month of high school (not helpful after her primary experience), I was proud she knew to remove herself from that group and find nicer people to be with, it just seems like people warm to her at first and then pull away.

I will try, see if it sheds any light

Neurodiverse family here and 2 kids have experienced the same. Im not diagnosing your DD but please Google and you will see short lived friendships is mentioned very often and applies to both adults and kids. Play Therapy helped DD hugely to understand herself and see that she was OK . It was with a neurodiverse aware therapist.

I also think some of what you mention is full on bullying and is a school issue.

Might be worth looking around to see if there is another school. Sometimes the culture at school or work doesn't fit a person and its best to move on. Is it a big school? How many in her class? Asking as DDs went to smaller school and the numbers were too small to find their tribe.

My daughter was similar throughout top end of primary and throughout secondary. To this day she still hasn't found that special friend, since one moved away aged 6. It makes me really sad, she's 19 now and I still have hope that person is out there somewhere. She has a lovely boyfriend who she has been with a couple of years, and that alleviates the issue somewhat.
However, she is on a wait list for ASD, and is socially awkward, although this is improving as she has got older she has worked really hard at fitting in. She finds conversation difficult, so needs a very chatty friend, and to this day finds it hard to read people, and even to share friends. She's always found boys easier to be with, are there some boys she could hang around with?

@Dizzyrobin i think your first step is to contact the school SEND department and ask for some help. Some do courses on social stories. They can give you some advice as well. Social difficulties are a sign of ASD.

Also go to the GP and enquire about a referral for ASD.

are you in a position to pay for an assessment? I think it’s worth it and helped my son in terms of dealing with school and teachers.

where in the country are OP? That can make a huge difference for likelihood of diagnosis in NHS. London has very good autism specialists, but I know people in Kent who’ve struggled to get a diagnosis for a DD who is clearly autistic but ‘high functioning’ ( a mutual friend is a specialist in this area in London and says it’s very clearly ASD)

Is there any ND in your family? Did you or DP have any issues?