Help with my daughter struggling with friends.

[Dizzyrobin]

My 12 year old DD is really struggling and I've tried everything I can to help but nothing has worked so far, so looking for any advice.

At primary my DD struggled to make friends, it was a small school and she just didn't seem to fit with the other girls. She was often on her own at break times and never got invited to any birthday parties past age 5. It was heartbreaking.

When she moved to secondary I did a lot of work with her on the importance of kindness, listening, not being bossy or overly loud etc. I bought her books on how to be a good friend following all the advice I read online.

In the last 18 months of secondary school she easily makes friends, she's confident and chatty, but after a very short while they lose interest and she has to find new friends. She takes part in 3 different clubs outside school and the same thing happens there.

I do all I can to help by having her friends over, taking them out to do activities etc. But every time it just fizzles.

Clearly my DD is doing/saying something that puts people off her. We've gone through everything from ensuring she's not annoying, rude, arrogant, but it's still happening. I'm obviously not present to witness how she's behaving (and I know kids act differently when their parents aren't around), so I don't know what else I can do to help.

She's in tears most weeks cause she doesn't have close friends, she knows lots of people but there's no closeness. She's can't understand why everyone else at school seems to have close friends but she doesn't. She's a good kid, very kind hearted.

It's really breaking my heart and I'm worried about her mental wellbeing. Can anyone relate or have any advice?

I always wonder about neurodiversity, particularly autism if girls (or boys) have always had trouble making friends.

This is a good idea. Although no need to wait for parents evening- ask to set up a phone call or meeting with her form teacher. If you say it’s to discuss friendship issues then the teacher might hopefully keep an eye on her in advance of the meeting/call and be able to notice more.

I really feel for your DD. Unfortunately 12 and 13 yo girls can be brutal and anyone slightly different may be rejected. I would definitely recommend aiming for the less obviously “popular” kids to be friends with.

As way of update things just got worse. She finally found a girl who she really clicked with, went shopping together, hung out at home a few times, constant fun messaging. All seemed well, then another girl who she already knew started hanging with them too and my DD was delighted she finally found her people. Then last week they started leaving her out, walking away from her and she felt ignored. She invited them round but they said they couldn't be bothered, and next thing they're sending her pictures of the two of them together at their house.

She got upset and decided to message one asking why they were leaving her out and if she'd done something wrong. The response was she hadn't done anything wrong but the other two just clicked better. 30minutes of unconsolable sobbing and my heart breaks for her, she now thinks she's not good enough and will never make real friends. I'm at a loss of what to do and how this is going to affect her.

Gosh I’m so sorry. It’s so hard as there isn’t a huge amount you can do.

I would keep the clubs going, even if they don’t lead to close friendships at least it’s a form of social life and means she doesn’t have all her eggs in the school basket.

Do they mix up the classes at her school? Ours get mixed up for year 9 and that’s often when people seem to find their gang that sticks.

Gosh that's awful.

Well done her for asking! I think that shows real self-assurance and maturity.

Again it seems to me that she has the requisite social skills to make friends and to be a good friend herself, so I hope she doesn't self-blame.

I wonder if she is 'marked out' as someone who's been bullied and who is on the fringes of the class, and it's therefore harder for her to break in to groups.

God girls can be vile, they love to form cliques and exclude other girls. My teen ds tells me he sees the girls at school do this to each other.
The only thing you can do is concentrate on building your dd’s self confidence in other ways, keep up her out of school activities. Take her on days out weekends and school holidays, as a family try new activities and learn new skills. Try to take off all pressure about friendships. And remind her adult life is very different to school life, this is not how it will always be for her.

She'll be in different classes after summer for year 9 (they start GCSE subjects a year early), so I'm hopeful that will help 🤞🏼

I wish I had good advice but I don’t. I just wanted to say your daughter is not alone. I’m the grown up version and unfortunately I still can’t seem to really hold onto close friends. I never seemed to learn how to do it. I can see some traits in myself that prevent it, I overthink, get a bit jealous, feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not to maintain the friendship but I can’t sustain it. I’m just crap at it and it’s shit but I have other positives in my life and I’m sure she does and will to. Don’t get me wrong it would be nice to have friends too, I see the joy it brings to others but I’ve kind of just accepted now that it’s not for me. I hope things are different for my kids but I see the similarities in my eldest already unfortunately. Probably partly my fault as I could never work out the play date thing properly and mine never got invited back anywhere.

That’s good - I hope so too.

After replying to your message I’ve just had DD (same age) in tears as she’d noticed a supposed good friend being off with her and messaged her about it, only to be told the friend basically doesn’t like her and doesn’t want to be friends… and seems clear she may try to edge DD out of the group if she can 😕.

The one “good” thing for both your DD and mine I guess is they now know exactly where they stand, and won’t waste energy on these people.

My yr 7 DS has social difficulties too and it's so hard to navigate. I really wish there was some easy advice to help you and your DD get through this.

Its all so circular that children that are confident in themselves make friends easier and then they become more confident socially. Maybe all it needs is one empathetic child to see past your DD nervous social skills?

Your DD sounds like she's had some genuinely mean bullying interactions on top of a lot of casual/ probably obliviously uncaring behaviour from the other children. It's not surprising she is finding it so hard.

Your reaction has probably added to her issues and she is probably coming over as extremely needy, which most people distance themselves from.

I know this doesn’t help you at the moment but please know so many of us have been through this with our daughters. In my experience, their tribe is found at college or uni when they are all a bit more grown up. Definitely ask the school for help. There will be other girls struggling and if you’re at a good school they will orchestrate them to meet. A running club, art club or something they ask the girls to help them set up or similar, maybe at lunch time. Push for help.

Oh jeez that's awful, you and your DD have my sympathy. We've had a long convo tonight and reminded her that two other girls don't define her worth and discussed a strategy for school on Monday. I hope your DD is okay and knows it's not her fault x

Thanks I hope so. Hope they both feel better in the morning and things look up for them both soon x

Hi @Dizzyrobin, how are things now?

@Heartbrokenmumagain thank you for asking. It's been a bit of a learning curve tbh but things are better to some extent. She has a safe group of people to be with at school just now, those who she's not necessarily close with, but who accept her for who she is. We've spoken a lot about how friendships and groups of friends change and just to be open minded when she moves into year 9 in September.

She did a lot of reflecting too and realised that she was maybe coming on too strong because she longed for that school best friend. She's now trying to just focus on friendship more generally at school.

I am sure year 9 will bring all sorts of new drama but I just hope it's not a heartbreaking for her as the first 2 years of secondary school

Hi @Dizzyrobin thanks for the update. I’m really glad your DD is doing better and hopefully her new group will turn into deeper friendships over time.

My DD’s issues seem to have got worse and I think her whole group are now being actively mean to her although hard to be sure as she is very very resistant to talking about it. She also really doesn’t want me to talk to school although I think that may be unavoidable.

She has been trying to forge different friendships and making some progress but just got the new groups for y9 and the new almost-friends aren’t with her 😕

If your new y9 groups haven’t been set yet, I would really recommend speaking to school and asking to ensure your DD is with some of her new lot. Wish I had.

Best wishes to your DD x

@minipie I am sorry to hear that. The same thing happened to my friends daughter (same age) and she was very close to moving schools, but in the end she joined an extra curricular session in music, she's now part of a small band and has people to sit with at break and lunch. But it wasn't easy and took a few months.

Regarding speaking to the school, some are great are these things and unfortunately my DD's school is rubbish and don't take friendship difficulties seriously. Even the other day it took my DD to be in absolute floods of tears after being made to sit on a different bus all alone during a school trip before a teacher agreed to move her to a bus with people who wouldn't be mean to her. I'll wait to see how the groups look for year 9 and it causes her concerns then I'll ask to shift her.

I hope the summer holidays bring some relief to your DD, it's amazing how things can change over the break

Your poor DD. I also had a lot of friendship difficulties in upper primary and early secondary. I never really understood why, I thought I had good mates and then there would be a party and I’d find out I hadn’t been invited or there suddenly they’d be running away at lunch time. I never figured out what I was doing wrong.

Anyway come year 10 everything just seemed to change and I made completely new friends, firstly a couple of boys on a school bus trip, we were just getting on (one of them is still a best friend now at 45) and when I saw them around we’d chat, and that lead to some friendships with other boys and their girl friends, and then I moved house and the coolest girl in school turned round and said “are you moving next to me?” (Having not said one word to me prior to that)…. I said yes nervously and she knocked to walk with me the next day and again we’ve been brilliant friends from that day to this. Year 11 and college were spent in a big group of mates which gave me a lot of confidence and then I was flying and have never had friendships issues since.

I think I was doing something that everyone else grew into if you see what I mean:… I have a very dry sense of humour and I think it just didn’t go down well with younger girls. I also think I eventually sort of grew a bit of inner confidence from not having mates and being OK anyway, which eventually became attractive in its own right. Plus everyone including me just growing up and becoming a bit less dramatic, competitive and attention seeking, and finding my people (the groups that rejected me are largely still very good friends with each other now, so they were definitely each others people, and I just didn’t fit in).

I am sure from what you’ve said that everything will sort itself in the next couple of years. Everyone grows up, chills out a bit and GCSEs are quite a bonding experience too. Your DD sounds like she’s got everything to make good friends and she just needs to keep her powder dry until the right people
cone along. Like me, there’s something about her that’s basically unappealing to young teen/pre teen girls, which is OK because very shortly she won’t be one any more!

I have had this all through my daughter’s schooling she has just left school . I told my daughter she just takes after me as I had the same issues and even as an adult can’t maintain friendships long term . After speaking with teachers at school they told me to get dd assessed for ND and within 6 months my dd and myself and her younger brother have all been assessed and have adhd and autism . Massive shock and found it quite unbelievable until I researched and now it’s all becoming clear . Maybe worth a check it’s tough growing up feeling out of place constantly worse not knowing what it is about you. The diagnosis we received has helped massively understanding that it’s not our fault. On a positive note my daughter now knows how to navigate life better she has had 4 yrs of hell at school but left after the best term doing great on her exams with a whole bunch of new friends who call themselves the misfits they’re just perfect. They all understand each other . As my daughter puts it it’s because they all have a bit of the ‘tism .

Thanks for the support @Dizzyrobin yes the people DD has been trying to be friendly with are from an extra curricular so hopefully that will lead to something even if it takes time.

I’m sorry to hear your DD’s school were not helpful. I have a call scheduled with DD’s school tomorrow so we’ll see. DD has her school residential next week, such bad timing and there are so many potential issues - long bus journey (she has nobody to sit with), dorms… I need someone to keep an eye out for her.

Good luck to them both

I do suspect ND in my DD’s case. Although she already has a medical issue so is very reluctant to consider that she may have another “problem”.