Help with my daughter struggling with friends.

[Dizzyrobin]

My 12 year old DD is really struggling and I've tried everything I can to help but nothing has worked so far, so looking for any advice.

At primary my DD struggled to make friends, it was a small school and she just didn't seem to fit with the other girls. She was often on her own at break times and never got invited to any birthday parties past age 5. It was heartbreaking.

When she moved to secondary I did a lot of work with her on the importance of kindness, listening, not being bossy or overly loud etc. I bought her books on how to be a good friend following all the advice I read online.

In the last 18 months of secondary school she easily makes friends, she's confident and chatty, but after a very short while they lose interest and she has to find new friends. She takes part in 3 different clubs outside school and the same thing happens there.

I do all I can to help by having her friends over, taking them out to do activities etc. But every time it just fizzles.

Clearly my DD is doing/saying something that puts people off her. We've gone through everything from ensuring she's not annoying, rude, arrogant, but it's still happening. I'm obviously not present to witness how she's behaving (and I know kids act differently when their parents aren't around), so I don't know what else I can do to help.

She's in tears most weeks cause she doesn't have close friends, she knows lots of people but there's no closeness. She's can't understand why everyone else at school seems to have close friends but she doesn't. She's a good kid, very kind hearted.

It's really breaking my heart and I'm worried about her mental wellbeing. Can anyone relate or have any advice?

I always wonder about neurodiversity, particularly autism if girls (or boys) have always had trouble making friends.

This is a good idea. Although no need to wait for parents evening- ask to set up a phone call or meeting with her form teacher. If you say it’s to discuss friendship issues then the teacher might hopefully keep an eye on her in advance of the meeting/call and be able to notice more.

I really feel for your DD. Unfortunately 12 and 13 yo girls can be brutal and anyone slightly different may be rejected. I would definitely recommend aiming for the less obviously “popular” kids to be friends with.

As way of update things just got worse. She finally found a girl who she really clicked with, went shopping together, hung out at home a few times, constant fun messaging. All seemed well, then another girl who she already knew started hanging with them too and my DD was delighted she finally found her people. Then last week they started leaving her out, walking away from her and she felt ignored. She invited them round but they said they couldn't be bothered, and next thing they're sending her pictures of the two of them together at their house.

She got upset and decided to message one asking why they were leaving her out and if she'd done something wrong. The response was she hadn't done anything wrong but the other two just clicked better. 30minutes of unconsolable sobbing and my heart breaks for her, she now thinks she's not good enough and will never make real friends. I'm at a loss of what to do and how this is going to affect her.

Gosh I’m so sorry. It’s so hard as there isn’t a huge amount you can do.

I would keep the clubs going, even if they don’t lead to close friendships at least it’s a form of social life and means she doesn’t have all her eggs in the school basket.

Do they mix up the classes at her school? Ours get mixed up for year 9 and that’s often when people seem to find their gang that sticks.

Gosh that's awful.

Well done her for asking! I think that shows real self-assurance and maturity.

Again it seems to me that she has the requisite social skills to make friends and to be a good friend herself, so I hope she doesn't self-blame.

I wonder if she is 'marked out' as someone who's been bullied and who is on the fringes of the class, and it's therefore harder for her to break in to groups.

God girls can be vile, they love to form cliques and exclude other girls. My teen ds tells me he sees the girls at school do this to each other.
The only thing you can do is concentrate on building your dd’s self confidence in other ways, keep up her out of school activities. Take her on days out weekends and school holidays, as a family try new activities and learn new skills. Try to take off all pressure about friendships. And remind her adult life is very different to school life, this is not how it will always be for her.

She'll be in different classes after summer for year 9 (they start GCSE subjects a year early), so I'm hopeful that will help 🤞🏼

I wish I had good advice but I don’t. I just wanted to say your daughter is not alone. I’m the grown up version and unfortunately I still can’t seem to really hold onto close friends. I never seemed to learn how to do it. I can see some traits in myself that prevent it, I overthink, get a bit jealous, feel like I have to pretend to be someone I’m not to maintain the friendship but I can’t sustain it. I’m just crap at it and it’s shit but I have other positives in my life and I’m sure she does and will to. Don’t get me wrong it would be nice to have friends too, I see the joy it brings to others but I’ve kind of just accepted now that it’s not for me. I hope things are different for my kids but I see the similarities in my eldest already unfortunately. Probably partly my fault as I could never work out the play date thing properly and mine never got invited back anywhere.

That’s good - I hope so too.

After replying to your message I’ve just had DD (same age) in tears as she’d noticed a supposed good friend being off with her and messaged her about it, only to be told the friend basically doesn’t like her and doesn’t want to be friends… and seems clear she may try to edge DD out of the group if she can 😕.

The one “good” thing for both your DD and mine I guess is they now know exactly where they stand, and won’t waste energy on these people.

My yr 7 DS has social difficulties too and it's so hard to navigate. I really wish there was some easy advice to help you and your DD get through this.

Its all so circular that children that are confident in themselves make friends easier and then they become more confident socially. Maybe all it needs is one empathetic child to see past your DD nervous social skills?

Your DD sounds like she's had some genuinely mean bullying interactions on top of a lot of casual/ probably obliviously uncaring behaviour from the other children. It's not surprising she is finding it so hard.

Your reaction has probably added to her issues and she is probably coming over as extremely needy, which most people distance themselves from.

I know this doesn’t help you at the moment but please know so many of us have been through this with our daughters. In my experience, their tribe is found at college or uni when they are all a bit more grown up. Definitely ask the school for help. There will be other girls struggling and if you’re at a good school they will orchestrate them to meet. A running club, art club or something they ask the girls to help them set up or similar, maybe at lunch time. Push for help.

Oh jeez that's awful, you and your DD have my sympathy. We've had a long convo tonight and reminded her that two other girls don't define her worth and discussed a strategy for school on Monday. I hope your DD is okay and knows it's not her fault x

Thanks I hope so. Hope they both feel better in the morning and things look up for them both soon x