Son won’t go to school in the mornings

[MyLittlePoniess]

My son won’t get up or go to school in the mornings without being constantly nagged, it’s affecting everything, making me late for school with my other kids and making me
late for work. Has anyone been in this situation? I’m at the end of my tether

I have been through this exact thing so you have my sympathy. My son was bullied in Years 7, 8 and 9 but he somehow still managed to attend school most of the time. His bully actually got excluded in the end but the damage was done and his self esteem hit rock bottom. That, along with terrible anxiety meant that he hardly attended at all during Year 10, and in Year 11 it got so bad I pulled him out of school to home ed him.

I'm not recommending you do that by the way, but there's only so much cajoling, and begging you can do. I tried everything to get him to go believe me, it is nothing to do with the way he was parented either. It's absolutely soul destroying as a parent to go through this, I really hope you can get to the bottom of his issue. Anxiety seems pretty likely to me...

Hi. No advice sadly but I can completely sympathise as my 12 year old son is currently the same!! He does have autism but generally manages well. He just struggles with early mornings. I have to ask him at least 3 times to get up. He has two alarms aswell. Devices are taken away at 8.30pm every week night.
It's just so hard. I have a 10 yo and 5yo to get to school aswell. Luckily I'm self employed as well as afew hours in an employed job. So I can start later when needed if I have to drop my older son off but I find it throws my day out of sync and I can't catch up properly when I start later.

I would have literally been frogmarched into school by my parents if I tried to pull this crap. Take control. You are in charge.

Have you spoken to your Gp about getting help to bolster your parenting skills so you can actually ensure he goes to school?

I won’t be coming back to this thread. Mumsnet is a vile place

What! People have been pretty kind to you and offered sympathy. What were you expecting?

seriously, so you ignored the comment above mine, 🙄 yeah real kind 👍

I don't think that comment was meant the way it sounded and I can see why you took it the way you did! I think that pp meant that sometimes parenting teens (or around teen years) especially is really difficult and there are specific parenting courses that focus on this, not because the parents are not capable but because not all parenting strategies work for all children so it's good to have more tools in your kit so you can try different approaches. I know I read lots of books and have done similar online and see it as bolstering my parenting - it doesn't mean I'm a crap parent and neither are you or you wouldn't be in here asking for help. The gp is an option or the school really should be offering you resources and support. Alternatively you could contact a local ewo for advice or social worker. Capable parents ask for help, there is zero shame in that and ultimately if its affecting your employment and you're facing a fine then you deserve support with it as much as anyone.

I think I would be looking at what you can turn into a consequence and my thinking is WiFi. If he doesn't go to school then he loses WiFi access so no gaming or devices when he gets home. And you need to be super consistent. I'd also be rewarding on time attendance with something he really loves/ wants.

You're not the only parent struggling with this.

Try frogmarching a 6ft man sized teenager. FFS comments like this are not helpful. You have no idea how hard this is!!!

He might not be up all night but is he up too late? I'd block all screens/devices from 8pm, literally remove them all and lock them away. Nobody needs to be on them all evening whether it's watching mindless YouTube crap or playing games on a phone.
Instead get him to spend the hour before bed winding down, have a shower, read a book.

Oh pull the other one!! Of course it was!! Go to the GP about my shit parenting wasn’t meant rudely 😂😂😂 i have 4 kids and 3 of them go to school absolutely no trouble so no I don’t need to look at my parenting, maybe I will get him assessed for autism after all so people dont try to blame me being a shit parent when my 3 other kids give me no trouble at all. Anyway I won’t be reading anymore so don’t bother replying to this thread

What consequence is he given for going back to bed after you've got him up? In my house behaviour like that would result in instant loss of phone and screen time, probably for about 48 hours.

Lavender14 has some great advice.

Definite, clear rewards for going to school and awareness of the consequences if not. Then there are clear definite boundaries that going to school is not something to be negotiated every morning.

Talk to him about what reward he would want if he goes to school without the drama. Also, tell him what will happen if he continues to try to not go to school every morning.
(eg no pocket money, no phone, no wi-fi)

Stop posting on my thread please

To all the parents who don't have a child who refuses school- I HOPE NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO YOU because this woman is clearly at the end of her tether and so is her son.

What consequences does he get for ignoring your requests?

Rewards and punishment do NOT address the root cause of school refusal so shut your condescending mouths

More and more social media forums are getting more unkind.

op, might the school offer help on this?
Or ideas?
Or suggest your son see someone, to find a root cause[if there is one?]?

You’ve only had one rude comment OP most people are trying to be kind and supportive.

What is it specifically that he is saying he doesn’t like? Because that might help inform how you deal with it. Is the work too hard/easy? Doesn’t get on with teachers? Does he have friends? Maybe you could ask for a meeting with school staff and him to try to come to a solution together about what might help it be a more positive experience.

What are the teachers saying about how he is when he is there and do they have a view about whether there might be additional needs at play? Where he is at educationally? I mean, would you say he is doing what he should be for his age and what do the teachers say?

Sorry for all the questions but I think they are all important considerations.

If you’re absolutely sure there are no SEN’s or mental health issues, he isn’t being bullied and no identifiable reasons other than he just doesn’t like hard work and fancies doing as he pleases, then it’s probably time to start sanctioning him if you aren’t already. I’m sorry but a kid who is causing me to be fined for school non attendance wouldn’t be getting any allowance, treats, fun outings, stuff like that. This also applies to lateness of course- withdrawal of privileges each and every time he’s late. If it’s a battle every morning then same thing- no TV/phone/devices that day if he’s not up by 7:30 or whenever he needs to be.

Hear me out, I wonder if the news coverage etc., affects how our children see school and whether they believe they can refuse, or cite a reason for not going. I am NOT saying this is the case here, but having worked with students in alternative education provision, many are happy to cite the narrative around our failing schools, that they are stressed... is it our education system, is it the narrative, thinking everything should be fun... I really feel for parents, when I think the issues are elsewhere.

Rewards work better than consequences for this age group.
The motivation to get up and go to school has to be sweeter than staying in bed.
I'd aim for realistic goals - reward those with something maybe like a fun trip for good attendance across a half term.
Small wins could look like a favoured takeaway after a week's attendance, food often a winner for tweens/teens.

I think op if that's all you took from my post then that's up to you. I'm wondering if what you actually wanted on here was not advice but solidarity and a place to vent because if that's the case then you need to say that so we know what you're after. I gave advice I'm good faith, whether it would work for your family or whether or not you want to take it is completely up to you. I work with a lot of young people who refuse school for a lot of different reasons so I know it's not always down to poor parenting.

I think a few people on this thread are having adult tantrums!

This! I think we need to normalise parenting skills courses, in fact we should be encouraging every parent to take a few courses throughout their children's lives. If you don't know how to do something at work, you get training and that's perfectly acceptable. Yet we're expected to just know how to parent, regardless of the parenting we received or the different personalities and/or needs of our own children?!

STOP posting on my thread.