How do I stop worrying about my teens

[Raisingconfidentteens]

I have 2 girls, one 15 and one 18.

DD18 is in a gap year and working part time, responsible and conscious. Main concern is that she can be a bit lazy and spend too much time watching neflix,. She is off to university in September so not too worried as she will be busy.

DD15 is also a responsible and conscious girl, she is kind and respectful in general. Main worries is that she had a few issues with self harm when she was feeling low. 8 months ago when she was very unhappy in her school, we spotted it quickly, had chats with her, changed school, spend more time with her and this stopped; but she started feeling a bit low again last month and I noticed some self harm, again spoke with her, no judgement, just support, waiting for therapy so she can learn to understand and manage her feelings. However this situation has made me a bit nervous and I am frequently checking for her moods. I don’t think this is healthy. She is in a better school, has friends, goes out, etc. but it is at a tricky age where her brain is going through lots of changes.

How do I be a better parent for my teens without being over anxious and transferring all my worries.

I feel like my kids are in my mind most of the time: are they eating healthy, spending too much time on screens, doing excercise, happy, etc.

You already sound like a fantastic mum to me. X

Goodness I didn’t expect this when I opened!

I have teens, with none of the issues you outline, and always worry, and probably always will! I have just accepted that it’s the price we pay for love!

Your youngest has self harmed in the past and sounded very unhappy

channel your worry into doing something practical, such as setting up therapy for her

It sounds like she's already done that to me

How so? I don’t see therapy mentioned?

Self harmed indicates latent vulnerability to serious mental health difficulties

Thank you, already on waiting list, privately, she is on waiting list.

I think she is a very sensitive child and feel her emotions much stronger like me, DD1 is more rational like my husband.

If private, shop around as you’ll find lots that don’t have waiting lists but you might need to be flexible with appointment times

A parent is only ever as happy as their least happy child.

I have two and worry about them everyday. It’s tiring and I wish I could switch it off. I think that’s just how it is.

I read about therapy in the OP so I'm not sure why you didn't

What did you expect? What issues do you have?

Ah waiting for therapy
apologies

I know how you feel OP

I agree; it is tiring and draining; I try to tell myself, most kids work out ok if they have supportive parents, we all go through ups and downs, need to grow, learn to manage them. At least this is what I try to tell myself sometimes,‘otherwise I am growing old before my time. It doesn’t stop me worrying though.

Even without issues like self harm

Mine are always on my mind unless they’re with me!

In the OP where she talks about the self harm she says she waiting for therapy. So obviously OP has arranged that and they're waiting for. As confirmed in her second post.

I'm not sure why you couldn't read that again to find it

Please see last post

You will drive yourself mad. I tried once they hit 18 to make peace with it. They make their own decisions and there is literally nothing you can do about it. You have to let the universe decide. Sounds mad but I needed to make myself mentally let go.

Dd and an equally tiny female friend independently travelled around Central America for 6 months at 18 so I had baptism of fire with achieving this mindset.

I think it is pretty normal to worry about a child who is self harming to be honest. You sound like you are being proactive but it is a worrying situation.

Yes sorry on the self harming is concerning I would seek professional help asap. Do you have private health care?

Regarding self harming she used to go to an all girls school and I think most girls there did it, lots of drama I think, she couldn’t wait to change; the second time it happened it was after she meet some of them a month or so ago; she did make a few friends but doesn’t see them that often

I think it depends on whether you feel this angst even when there is nothing (Ie no self harm - MH problems etc) or whether you feel you have always had this sense prior to that. As you know and others have cited of course we ‘worry’ about them and their well-being / lives/ outcomes but it sounds like you feel like it’s disproportionate.

Mine are 15 and 18 too but we have had (it’s so much better in the last 6 months thank goodness) 5 years of self harm, attempts on life, diagnoses and v little school for DD (18) . I barely slept/ left the house and at one point I just couldn’t visualise things ever being ok again.

Now she is in a job and is finally happy. This helps as things have been so bad that now they are better I am so grateful and happy that she’s on an even keel that it means I don’t worry nearly as much about the day to day. This isn’t helpful for you of course and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it feels like the worst came so close to happening that I don’t really sweat the day to day stuff anymore nearly as much as if things had always been largely on track.

You do sound like you are v conscious of them and are doing all the right things for your DD 15. There’s a limit isn’t there to how much influence we can have on them as they grow into older teens but as you say - as long as they support / scaffolding and love is there in the home then they already have a lot in place. The rest is in their hands. Terrifying at times yes!

As someone else said - unless you have got your heart set on that one particular private therapist then I’d also look around at some others. It’s hard to figure out the best match for your DD just from the BCAP website so after a few false starts, I put an anon post on my local FB group asking if anyone could recommend a therapist who fulfilled certain criteria that I knew would have to be in place for DD to click with them (sense of humour etc etc) and the most brilliant person was recommended. It’s really helped DD.

Good luck!

it sounds like your brain is stuck in high alert and you are scanning for danger. That’s entirely understandable given what has happened.

Would you consider therapy yourself?

I think it’s ok to say that this has been a trauma for you and you should treat it as such. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks, I am anxious and worrier by nature and the self harming has caused me more anxiety. but I try to work myself on this, can’t control everything. I feel I need to be there for them but they also need to find their own way, mature, become resilient, I want them to be confident, spread their wings, be loving and supportive, guide them, but can’t be responsible for their happiness, decisions, etc. it is not healthy.

Can you please pm details of your therapist. It is difficult to find a good one.

Yes, I am thinking in doing CBT for myself, have private health insurance for me but not DD. Hopefully AXA is good, may get DD on it.

When the self harming first happened she saw a psychiatrist; she was already in a better place and the psychiatrist said she didn’t need psychiatric treatment, as she was in a supportive family and has hope for the future and there was a low risk of self harming; she suggested some therapy to improve her confidence, etc but this took too long and I chat jobs so didn’t happen as it was with my company health insurance.