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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What can I do?

42 replies

toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 18:16

DS15 asked yesterday if he could go to his pal in the next town for a sleepover NYE. I said no. I offered to pick him up early evening but that I want him home. Its also my birthday today.
He and DH had a massive row last night. Son has got up, got his bike and by the looks of things caught the train to his pals. DD can see his location on Snap.
He has not spoken to me, I found flowers in the bin (presumably for my birthday) and he is not responding to messages.
His pals parents don't know he's there without permission. WWYD?

OP posts:
ChronicallyMum · 31/12/2025 18:20

How massive was the row? verbal insults at each other or did it turn violent? Why are you having an argument in the first place and why in front of your children?
Why can’t he have a sleepover?

Sounds as though he wants to get as far away from you and your DH as possible. Without knowing more it’s difficult to say if his decision was justified but I have a feeling it will be.

Original poster
toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 18:23

DH and DS had a row because I had said no and DS wouldn't take no for an answer

OP posts:
titchy · 31/12/2025 18:23

Why did you say no though?

HopelesslyNaive98 · 31/12/2025 18:24

Well you can either go and get him - probably at the risk of ruining your own NYE. Or, if you know he’s safe, leave him to, let it blow over, and deal with it tomorrow.

Out of interest, why wasn’t he allowed to stay in the first place?

Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 18:27

If you’ve said no simply bc it’s your birthday I think that’s a bit selfish.

However, obviously he’s wrong to disobey you - I’d be pissed off if it was my ds15 but I wouldn’t have said no in the first place (unless there’s a specific reason like the friend is a wrong ‘un)

Original poster
toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 18:29

titchy · 31/12/2025 18:23

Why did you say no though?

This week he has spent 3 days at this other kids house and all day yesterday in the city, shopping. I've never met the parents so I can't guarantee he is safe. It's my birthday and NYE which in our house is traditionally family time. I have both sets of grandparents and other family coming round and he is not here. He turned 15 five days ago

OP posts:
Dollybantree · 31/12/2025 18:35

Yes, in that situation I’d be worried too. I’d go round to this friends house personally.

Forgetaboutme · 31/12/2025 18:35

Firstly Happy Birthday. Sorry it sounds like its not gone how you would like. I can understand you wanting your son in to see the bells with you especially if it doubles as a birthday too. Growing up my dad wouldn't let us go out at the bells as he saw it as a time family should be together, similar to Christmas.

However, as my own kids got older I relaxed on that and honestly its better. They are having fun, I can do what I like. It all feels less forced.

Might be worth picking a different day each year a few days before or after to celebrate your birthday if that is important to you.

As for your son, i agree with pp. Depends if you can be sure he is safe.

HopelesslyNaive98 · 31/12/2025 18:37

Presumably he’s seen family over Christmas?

Could you not just have asked for his mate’s parents’ number just to check plans? He’s getting to an age where hanging out with your gran at New Year isn’t going to appeal. I think you have to let go of that.

EchoedSilence · 31/12/2025 18:41

He's getting older. He wants to be with his mates. I don't think you should have said no.

You need to let go and find some compromises or he will start to resent you.

herbalteabag · 31/12/2025 18:43

toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 18:29

This week he has spent 3 days at this other kids house and all day yesterday in the city, shopping. I've never met the parents so I can't guarantee he is safe. It's my birthday and NYE which in our house is traditionally family time. I have both sets of grandparents and other family coming round and he is not here. He turned 15 five days ago

Show quote history

But he is 15, I haven't met most of my son's friend's parents either, only the ones who I knew from primary school, which was less than half. He is growing up and he will not want to stay at home and spend your birthday with you on NYE going forward anyway.

roastedrapidly · 31/12/2025 18:48

so you are those typically strict and unreasonable parents...the ones who end up with really rebellious kids.
Do you not understand how important New Year's Eve would be to a 15 year old, maybe there's a crush involved...do you remember what it's like to be that age?

hes just had Christmas and family time galore...could you not cut him some slack?
I think you're mean.....and it's so sad he's now thrown your flowers in the bin.
you need to find a compromise in the future this level of control over him will erode your relationship

QuornToBeWild · 31/12/2025 18:49

I’d send a message to say he either calls me or I’m coming to get you. Hopefully he’ll call, you’ll at least know he is safe and then agree to deal with it tomorrow.

Tomorrow needs to be a big chat about expectations. He needs to know that this isn’t acceptable and apologise, but at the same time, you need to accept that he’s growing up and lots of kids want to be with their friends at new year. Going forward, I think it’s unfair to dictate that New Year’s Eve is family time. He could spend some time with you for your birthday but then go out with friends.

You need to pick your battles as you are in for a very tough few years.

MapleOakPine · 31/12/2025 18:57

It's normal for a teen to spend NYE with his friends, not his parents. I think you were wrong to say no.

Appletree56 · 31/12/2025 18:58

He asked to stay over and you would prefer that he didn't so offered a compromise of allowing him to go and picking him up. I can't see anything wrong with this parenting, especially as he has only just turned 15.

He is out of line to have just gone anyway. I'd message to say you are on the way to pick him up and to save any embarrassment he should say goodbye and come outside to meet you or you will be knocking on the door for him.

EchoedSilence · 31/12/2025 19:12

Appletree56 · 31/12/2025 18:58

He asked to stay over and you would prefer that he didn't so offered a compromise of allowing him to go and picking him up. I can't see anything wrong with this parenting, especially as he has only just turned 15.

He is out of line to have just gone anyway. I'd message to say you are on the way to pick him up and to save any embarrassment he should say goodbye and come outside to meet you or you will be knocking on the door for him.

And you think he will be happy to join in and play happy families if she does that?

Pieceofpurplesky · 31/12/2025 19:21

Could you not have invited his friend to you? At 15 I would have been so bored spending NYE with family

sashh · 31/12/2025 19:24

Send a text

We can talk about this tomorrow. For now I want to know you are safe. If you feel unsafe at any time you can call me, dad or sister. We will help
⁰Happy new year.

Original poster
toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 19:27

I agree with a lot of the comments you have given. Thank you for the different perspectives.
I am worried for DS but I will kill any chance of reconciliation if I pull him out tonight. I have sent a couple of messages but he is not responding.
I am happy to start loosening the reins but he has to respect my rules.
He is emboldened at the moment bc he has Xmas money and can afford public transport. It will soon run out if he's not prepared to discuss the rules of engagement.

OP posts:
Springtimehere · 31/12/2025 19:27

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tinkerbellthefairy · 31/12/2025 19:29

He’s 15. He wants to be with his mates. You tried to lay down the law and you failed.

you have to adjust as they grow.

Original poster
toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 19:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I'm not controlling him, I'm trying to teach him respect. He wants to try drink and drugs, should I allow that too?

OP posts:
Tinkerbellthefairy · 31/12/2025 19:31

toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 19:29

I'm not controlling him, I'm trying to teach him respect. He wants to try drink and drugs, should I allow that too?

Show quote history

How are you going to stop him if he decides to try them?

titchy · 31/12/2025 19:32

Presumably the three times he’s seen this friend you’ve been happy to let him go? And he’s come home sober and having enjoyed himself? So I don’t understand the safety aspect - he’s year 10 - you don’t vet parents at this age. You have to trust that you’ve brought him up well, and with a decent enough relationship with you that he’ll ask you to come and get him if he isn’t comfortable?

I understand it’s a pain having a NYE birthday, but how many more years were you planning on banning him from NYE parties? You have your family there to celebrate with you. It’s reasonable he be allowed to celebrate with his friends and I think you should have planned around that tbh. Nice family birthday meal with presents early evening, then he goes to his party.

titchy · 31/12/2025 19:36

toooldforthisshiz · 31/12/2025 19:29

I'm not controlling him, I'm trying to teach him respect. He wants to try drink and drugs, should I allow that too?

Show quote history

I think you have to accept that teens will often (usually?) want to try alcohol and drugs. Restricting them just makes them more secretive - which makes them less safe as they won’t come to you if there’s a problem.

Talk about alcohol and drugs - information is power, and good parenting. Drink beer rather than spirits for example, alternate drinks with a glass of water. Don’t leave a bottle unattended etc.