What can I do?

[toooldforthisshiz]

DS15 asked yesterday if he could go to his pal in the next town for a sleepover NYE. I said no. I offered to pick him up early evening but that I want him home. Its also my birthday today.
He and DH had a massive row last night. Son has got up, got his bike and by the looks of things caught the train to his pals. DD can see his location on Snap.
He has not spoken to me, I found flowers in the bin (presumably for my birthday) and he is not responding to messages.
His pals parents don't know he's there without permission. WWYD?

Christmas is family.
NYE is mates.

Enforced family time is no fun especially for a teenager, parents rowing and more family turning up, not shocked they disappeared.
Sounds like as a family you have a lot to unpack.

He’s 15, and f course he wants to spend new years with his friends. Do something for your birthday at the weekend, or on New Year’s Day.

It depends how rigid your rules are. You will have to change the rules as he gets older or you risk him rebelling against those rules.

Just an update. DS blocked me on WhatsApp for the evening and refused to answer my one text. I eventually called him this afternoon after much worrying. He answered like nothing had happened, told me he was at a different friend's house and that another friends parent was picking them up. To top it all off,when he got back to the train station, his bike had been stolen.
I'm downstairs trying not to be livid and he's upstairs keeping out of my way.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a normal teenager to me. It's not his fault that his bike got nicked.

Because he took matters into his own hands I would call the parents explain and go get him. If he apologised genuinely then I may let the original deal stand or getting picked up. If he kicks off then I would ground him. He has stepped over the line. If you let it go then that's it.

I realise NY is over but answering the WWYD.

My DD is 14 (15 soon, year 10) and she went to a friends house for a sleepover NYE so they could see in the new year together, I trust her, her friends are sensible and the friend’s parents were there too and I know them fairly well. I thought it was nice for her, I picked her up at 10 and we still did our NY day plans.

Has your DS given you any reason not to trust him? Sounds like a nice boy buying you flowers for your birthday.
What was the point not trying to force him to stay in? You’d have been trying to celebrate with a sulky teen in the corner bringing the mood down!
It would have been much better if you had let him go but told him you expected him home the morning after to spend the day as a family.

You have to let him go a bit or he’ll get even more rebellious and you’re going to completely lose control over him.

Also the bike thing is annoying, but did he leave it locked up or just dumped at the station?
If it was secured it’s hardly his fault it’s been stolen, if just dumped then he’ll have to learn his lesson by not having a bike until he can afford a new one.
If you had just given him a lift in the first place he wouldn’t have needed to take his bike to the station.

You’re not teaching him respect, you’re trying to control him and you’re teaching him to be resentful and secretive. Respect goes both ways.

Your DS was wrong to not respond to your messages and let you know he was ok but equally I think you may need to start adjusting your expectations a little as he gets older, even if nye may have traditionally been family time for you, some flexibility should come into it. You could do your birthday celebrations during the day, leaving your DS to spend the evening with his friends.

Re the stolen bike: I imagine that I'd be planning that he has to pay for a replacement (assuming he wants one). That's the price he will pay for some impulsive behaviour.

Am broadly agreeing with rest of thread, these sentences nailed it:

You’re not teaching him respect, you’re trying to control him and you’re teaching him to be resentful and secretive. Respect goes both ways.

OP wrote something about "Respect my rules" : the problem is our kids reach an age where you canNOT force them to do things. You have to persuade them that they want to follow those rules, and you have to hope they make good decisions / keep working on teaching them how to make good decisions. This is where the foundations of encouraging them to be the ideal person is so important; all young people are idealistic and want to be amazing people.

So for instance drugs & drink: you can say "Don't do that!" or you can say "I don't think You Want to Do that because... " and remind them of the reasons why drinking or drugging screws up life and that they deserve to have good lives not screwed up lives. Then you leave them to make a decision about what they'll do, which is happening anyway. You want to teach them to make good choices, not keep making those decisions for them. That learning phase means they will make some decisions you still don't like: that freedom means they will trust you more and confide in you, because you are becoming a useful counsellor not their boss.

yeah there are still red lines: they aren't allowed to abuse or endanger you, for instance.

Good Luck. x

A 15 year old doesn’t want to be hanging out with his parents and grandparents on NYE, teens will want to be with their mates.

I don’t see any abnormal behaviour here from him. Was his bike locked up, or just left unattended? I’d be annoyed with him if he left it unlocked, but that’s the only thing I’d think he’s done wrong here.

Teaching a teenager “respect” isn’t just dictating to them what you want them to do, if what you want isn’t reasonable.

If a 15 year old gets an invite for NYE they’re not going to want to sit home with parents and grandparents- that goes for all kids his age. If your birthday is NYE are you expecting him to spend that day with you every year? If so you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

At 9 there’s no way a child should be accessing YouTube or playing games, or even owning a smartphone (if he wanted to contact her easily he could have got her a brick phone). If I were him, I would lock down everything except messages and calls, and see how that affects her screen time average. My 14 year old isn’t even allowed unsupervised access to YouTube / the internet (and has never had social media), and he’s 5 years older than her. We do allow the kids (14 & 12) to watch certain things on YouTube but only on the main sitting room tv so we can keep an eye on what they are watching. Mobile phone games are limited to 1 hour per day, unless we are travelling on a very long journey. The internet can be accessed via the family laptop, for homework or hobby purposes only. Social media is a no until they are 18 in this house (agreed by both kids to better for them). Luckily they can’t take phones to school and are busy most evenings with sports so it limits when they can actually use their phones anyway, especially as they are on a schedule where the phones don’t unlock before 7:30pm and go off at 8pm.

Hrft but im giving the DS credit for getting off his bum and getting himself where he wanted to be. As parents we spend alot if time trying to make our kids independent but then we want to limit that independence, its a difficult balance.

Not good to defy parents but obviously feeling hard done to for whatever reason.

At his age I was out doing my own thing most days but in for 6pm, only out later with permission. He will make mistakes, you can't protect him from that, but he needs to know what will happen if he breaks the rules.

I'm not sure how to proceed, but no doubt it'll be a hill to climb for us in the future.
I hope you find a way forward that works..

I feel so bad for your son. Next time he says he is going to friends say ‘have a nice evening, remember to bring your bike lock’. I hope in the future you’ll give him some autonomy so he doesn’t feel the needs to block you. Be happy you have a healthy, sociable son with friends!

I was 15 millennium eve, no way was I at home with my parents! You've had him at home for Christmas, NYE is for parties and friends when you are young. You are going to drive him away.