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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old daughter always in bed

67 replies

AEEG · 28/12/2025 18:22

Hi. Just wondering if anyone has experienced this with their teens and out the other side. Really need some hope please 🙏🏼

So my daughter started with EBSA last Feb. We changed schooled, tried dragging her in…nothing worked. School is shocking and no support whatsoever. She turned 14 in Oct and stopped going. We’re fighting for section 19 at the mo. Since taking the pressure off about school I thought she would improve but she seems to be getting worse. She couldn’t go on holiday with her dad. She couldn’t go to the Christmas markets with me and her sister. She’s okay most of the time when with friends and will do things. They give her confidence. She was really overwhelmed going out for a meal with her god parents. Me and her sister Xmas eve. We had to leave. She gets very upset and she did go back in the end but was very uncomfortable. She comes across as so rude because she won’t interact but that’s her anxiety. Shes an angry ball most of the time and is horrible to me and her sister. I get it’s half anxiety and half being a 14 year old girl. When she’s not with friends she doesn’t get out of her bed. Please tell me this is a stage and things will get better
Thankyou

OP posts:
TwinklyRoseTurtle · 28/12/2025 18:24

It sounds like she has SEN- can present in girls often in late teens, I would suggest seeing your GP for a referral for further assessment

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/12/2025 18:27

What diagnoses’ and mental health support have been explored for her? This is a classic age for neurodivergence traits to boldly rear up and mental health go to pot (speaking from my own experience as well in this)

Original poster
AEEG · 28/12/2025 19:50

We’ve been to the doctors loads. They referred to cahms but they rejected her twice. The doctor has given her propanalol but it doesn’t do anything. Will this all get better as she gets older and matures

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 28/12/2025 20:34

It might do, but getting help/the right information would help. Why did CAMHS reject? Have you looked into what autism and/or ADHD looks like in girls at all?

Original poster
AEEG · 28/12/2025 20:45

Camhs rejected because she was no risk. Hasn’t self harmed or anything. Yes I do think she has some autistic traits maybe but all this only started at age 13. Would we not have seen it before? This is what’s making it think it’s partly just a stubborn teen and hormones?! It would take over 2 years to be diagnosed and she would be 16/17 then so maybe through it all! She definitely has anxiety but she can do/mask most things when with a friend. And I get friends give you confidence. So she does do things. I was just hoping someone would have experienced something similar and now their child has grown up and is thriving

OP posts:
mishgs · 28/12/2025 21:20

This sounds like my daughter - she has since been diagnosed with ASD with PDA traits.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2025 21:38

Sounds like ND burnout. 14 is peak age. My dd had it but we had a diagnosis.

She started at 14, and is just coming to the end at 19. 5 years is the average time it takes to recover.

Thw only way out is to drop all demands and let her hide in her bedroom for as long as she needs.

Don’t think CAMHS will be in any way helpful tbh. They don’t even acknowledge it.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2025 21:39

AEEG · 28/12/2025 20:45

Camhs rejected because she was no risk. Hasn’t self harmed or anything. Yes I do think she has some autistic traits maybe but all this only started at age 13. Would we not have seen it before? This is what’s making it think it’s partly just a stubborn teen and hormones?! It would take over 2 years to be diagnosed and she would be 16/17 then so maybe through it all! She definitely has anxiety but she can do/mask most things when with a friend. And I get friends give you confidence. So she does do things. I was just hoping someone would have experienced something similar and now their child has grown up and is thriving

She would have masked it before. As the get older it gets harder to conceal.

Original poster
AEEG · 28/12/2025 21:52

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2025 21:38

Sounds like ND burnout. 14 is peak age. My dd had it but we had a diagnosis.

She started at 14, and is just coming to the end at 19. 5 years is the average time it takes to recover.

Thw only way out is to drop all demands and let her hide in her bedroom for as long as she needs.

Don’t think CAMHS will be in any way helpful tbh. They don’t even acknowledge it.

What’s ND burnout please? 5 years 😱😩

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/12/2025 21:57

It’s not severe for 5 years. Dd dropped out of A levels due to it, but did an access course 18 months later and is now at university. She’s still tired though.

Burnout is when a ND person has masked their symptoms for years. As the social rules get harder they struggle to cope. Eventually the brain becomes overwhelmed with adrenaline and the frontal lobes which deal with social engagement essentially go on strike.

They do recover. It takes patience, kindness and understanding. Some recover faster than others. But leave her to hide in her room. She is currently too overwhelmed for social contact. She will be prone to anxiety/ depression and sleep disorders during it. My dd came out in severe eczema all over for about 10 months.

But she’s on the mend. You need a diagnosis. If she’s ADHD the drugs can help with this immensley

beasmithwentworth · 28/12/2025 22:23

Yes this also sounds similar to my DD - she’s now 18 but EBSA and all of what you describe when she was 13/14 when the wheels started coming off. of course no one on here can make a diagnosis but there are enough posters on here who have gone through similar to say it’s highly likely.
DD got worse in her room and was soon very depressed (but like your DD would still see friends infrequently- and seem happy in that moment but as you say - it was definitely masking) . No school for the best part of 2 3 years in total.

We did her somewhere with CAMHS as there was lots of self harm and attempts on her life. And she received a diagnosis of ADD and also Autism.

The depression and subsequent burnout come from the exhaustion of trying to conform to school, social norms, masking and feeling very different to those around them. I didn’t realise it was autistic burn out that she had at the time until her diagnosis and living through it / reading a lot about it.

Even without a diagnosis I would ‘assume’ that she is in your head at least amd so as much reading as you can about it. ‘Autistic girls’ network’ Facebook group was a brilliant source of information and comfort for me.

I thought similarly to you - ie how can this only be coming to light now? But as others have said - it’s often exactly that this age that trying to cope (as life / school etc gets more tough). However now I look back there were quite a few things that didn’t seem anything other than normal at the time in primary but actually the signs were there when I read up and really thought about it.

My DD is now 18. Somehow she made it through GCSEs but dropped out of A levels after 6 months. The pressure and school environment were just too much. She spent another period of depression but has now got a bar job . She’s à completely different person now. Happy, confident, loves her job and now knows herself much better. Maturity is a big part of it. I hope she returns to education at some point but for now it’s just great to see her enjoying life again.

As someone else said -I would advise low demand for now and lots of kindness and patience. Traditional teen parenting doesn’t work in these situations. It might take a while.

Also if you can’t get anywhere with right to choose or CAMHS and you think there may be any element of ADHD there (as they often go hand in hand) then that’s the one I would consider getting a private diagnosis for if that’s an option for you - as someone else has said - the medication for that can result help. It acts as a kind of antidepressant for DD as well as other things. They work much better than antidepressants do.

I do feel for you. I would definitely try and find (on line is great) a couple of private FB groups to join. Also - DD tended to find friends who had similar issues and it was really useful to her to know and talk to their mums as it’s so stressful and isolating for a parent to go through.

Good luck

WishfulThinkingToday · 28/12/2025 23:52

My daughter only presented with autistic and ADHD traits from year 9 / 10 but we were confused as to what this was - social anxiety? Anaemia? She would come home every day burnt out, and complain of tiredness all day (keeping herself in her room), so was ok with friends but would hide in the corner with any other social situation (including extended family, she would shut down and not engage).

It is even worse now at college (unable to cope if she late for college to the point where she closes off, hyperventilates and is unresponsive, she freaked out at the airport when she went with college and she didn’t know what queue to join and was unresponsive… autistic traits. ADHD causes her to completely space out and lose time - not ideal for catching buses or listening in lessons), but she only opened up to us about these problems in full a few days ago and we have referred her for assessment. I feel bad that she had these issues for so long and we didn’t know the full extent. She has worked so very hard, harder than anyone I know and is estimated to get 4xA* at college and is working part-time, but she is struggling mentally, and I am worried that she will burn out. We just let her decompress in her room when she needs to, sometimes for days.

What made this difficult is that I think myself and my husband both have traits of our own, and we are both quite socially stunted. So I thought being spaced out and socially inadequate (I can’t stop myself from saying awkward things, and not understanding social queues) was completely normal, and we even joke we are hermits - who knew.

Definitely speak to someone to get her assessed, it helps everyone understand what is happening and what will help support her at school (and in general). Wouldn’t it be awful if she struggled like this for years, with no understanding of what is wrong?

Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 08:33

WishfulThinkingToday · 28/12/2025 23:52

My daughter only presented with autistic and ADHD traits from year 9 / 10 but we were confused as to what this was - social anxiety? Anaemia? She would come home every day burnt out, and complain of tiredness all day (keeping herself in her room), so was ok with friends but would hide in the corner with any other social situation (including extended family, she would shut down and not engage).

It is even worse now at college (unable to cope if she late for college to the point where she closes off, hyperventilates and is unresponsive, she freaked out at the airport when she went with college and she didn’t know what queue to join and was unresponsive… autistic traits. ADHD causes her to completely space out and lose time - not ideal for catching buses or listening in lessons), but she only opened up to us about these problems in full a few days ago and we have referred her for assessment. I feel bad that she had these issues for so long and we didn’t know the full extent. She has worked so very hard, harder than anyone I know and is estimated to get 4xA* at college and is working part-time, but she is struggling mentally, and I am worried that she will burn out. We just let her decompress in her room when she needs to, sometimes for days.

What made this difficult is that I think myself and my husband both have traits of our own, and we are both quite socially stunted. So I thought being spaced out and socially inadequate (I can’t stop myself from saying awkward things, and not understanding social queues) was completely normal, and we even joke we are hermits - who knew.

Definitely speak to someone to get her assessed, it helps everyone understand what is happening and what will help support her at school (and in general). Wouldn’t it be awful if she struggled like this for years, with no understanding of what is wrong?

Thankyou for your reply. I’m struggling to get her assessed as number one she won’t admit anything is wrong and won’t interact with councillor as she doesn’t like all the questions and number 2 camhs wont accept her and I can’t afford the £2000 to go private 😩. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 08:39

beasmithwentworth · 28/12/2025 22:23

Yes this also sounds similar to my DD - she’s now 18 but EBSA and all of what you describe when she was 13/14 when the wheels started coming off. of course no one on here can make a diagnosis but there are enough posters on here who have gone through similar to say it’s highly likely.
DD got worse in her room and was soon very depressed (but like your DD would still see friends infrequently- and seem happy in that moment but as you say - it was definitely masking) . No school for the best part of 2 3 years in total.

We did her somewhere with CAMHS as there was lots of self harm and attempts on her life. And she received a diagnosis of ADD and also Autism.

The depression and subsequent burnout come from the exhaustion of trying to conform to school, social norms, masking and feeling very different to those around them. I didn’t realise it was autistic burn out that she had at the time until her diagnosis and living through it / reading a lot about it.

Even without a diagnosis I would ‘assume’ that she is in your head at least amd so as much reading as you can about it. ‘Autistic girls’ network’ Facebook group was a brilliant source of information and comfort for me.

I thought similarly to you - ie how can this only be coming to light now? But as others have said - it’s often exactly that this age that trying to cope (as life / school etc gets more tough). However now I look back there were quite a few things that didn’t seem anything other than normal at the time in primary but actually the signs were there when I read up and really thought about it.

My DD is now 18. Somehow she made it through GCSEs but dropped out of A levels after 6 months. The pressure and school environment were just too much. She spent another period of depression but has now got a bar job . She’s à completely different person now. Happy, confident, loves her job and now knows herself much better. Maturity is a big part of it. I hope she returns to education at some point but for now it’s just great to see her enjoying life again.

As someone else said -I would advise low demand for now and lots of kindness and patience. Traditional teen parenting doesn’t work in these situations. It might take a while.

Also if you can’t get anywhere with right to choose or CAMHS and you think there may be any element of ADHD there (as they often go hand in hand) then that’s the one I would consider getting a private diagnosis for if that’s an option for you - as someone else has said - the medication for that can result help. It acts as a kind of antidepressant for DD as well as other things. They work much better than antidepressants do.

I do feel for you. I would definitely try and find (on line is great) a couple of private FB groups to join. Also - DD tended to find friends who had similar issues and it was really useful to her to know and talk to their mums as it’s so stressful and isolating for a parent to go through.

Good luck

Hi. Thankyou for your reply. Yes that’s the approach I’m going with. I do spoil her and her sister and when she’s nasty to me I don’t react I just walk away. I’m always showing her so much love. Which is sometimes difficult when she’s being rude 🫣.

she won’t interact with a councillor as says she’s doesn’t need help and doesn’t like all the questions she doesn’t know the answer too. We applied for EHCP and that also got rejected. I can’t afford a private diagnosis.

I really hope she goes back to school as home schooling scares me so much. I wouldn’t know where to start and she would have no chance of passing GCSEs etc just working from a work book. She’s missed a year now tho and I’m worried how she will catch up. School have finally applied for section 19 but say she won’t get it. I don’t know why not and why school aren’t fighting for her.

gosh I know you shouldn’t wish away time but bloody hell I wish I could fast forward 3 years xx

OP posts:
beasmithwentworth · 29/12/2025 08:52

@AEEG yes I understand your plight. There was a long time when DD wouldn’t admit there was anything wrong in the run up to things eventually going so obviously being wrong that CAMHS did listen. She still wouldn’t talk to anyone either and so there wasn’t a lot they could do. In the end they sent someone round to the house every week to see her as she wasn’t leaving her room at all by that point but she still wouldn’t come downstairs so even though on the surface that was something - it didn’t do anything.

It’s really hard as I totally understand where you are on their scale. Not at risk, not ‘bad enough’ for any immediate action given their waiting lists and workload but that leaves you in a very tricky spot. I felt totally stuck like this for quite a while.

It took a particularly bad incident of self harm for any real action to be taken and even she couldn’t deny it any more. Looking back ironically it ended up being a good thing in terms of things moving forward even though it was terrifying. I wouldn’t wish that on you of course but it did get things moving.

Its impossible to know how these things will play out. This could just be a ‘phase’ but be prepared that it might be a longer term thing. It’s very hard when their anxiety and resultant lashing out / rudeness is making life difficult for you.

It doesn’t sound like she would be up for any sort of assessment anyway at the moment but… if you can get her along to a doctors then Google ‘right to choose’ . I didn’t do that (and I know waiting lists are long for that too now) but if things don’t pass and she decides further down the line that something is ‘wrong’ then at least you are already on a waiting list.

When it came to DS (now 15) getting into trouble at school I couldn’t face the waiting lists either and couldn’t afford private - but I knew he needed help before his GCSEs . My mum kindly lent me the money but to be honest if she couldn’t have done - it’s been so transformative for him (he’s now on ADHD medication and is a different person) that with hindsight I would have found a way to make it work - a loan or something.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/12/2025 09:23

AEEG · 29/12/2025 08:33

Thankyou for your reply. I’m struggling to get her assessed as number one she won’t admit anything is wrong and won’t interact with councillor as she doesn’t like all the questions and number 2 camhs wont accept her and I can’t afford the £2000 to go private 😩. Xx

Show quote history

I bribed mine with a substantial cash amount when she wouldn’t engage.

And CAHMS won’t step up. Can you take out a loan?

LondonLady1980 · 29/12/2025 09:34

My reply might not help as I will be talking about a boy and not a girl but hopefully it will still offer some reassurance.

When my cousin was young he showed so much potential academically and he was such a bright and cheerful happy lad, but when he was 12ish it was like we saw a change in him and when he got to Secondary school he was like a different boy. He really struggled and as the years passed he started isolating himself, truanting, struggling in class, failing tests, not doing homework, disengaging from family events etc and by the age of 15/16 he spent all his time in his room. He did have some friends but he didn’t see them often at all. He hardly passed any of his GCSEs and although he started a course at the local college he’d given it up within 9-10 months. We all used to joke he was a hermit as he just spent all his time upstairs and would never social engage with any of us. He also showed autistic traits (mild ones) and we did wonder if this was why he had changed so much in terms of his academic abilities/achievements and his interpersonal skills.

However, fast forward to him recently turning 19 and he’s like a different person. He got himself a full time job in a local supermarket when he was 18 and now he’s back to being a social and friendly guy who very rarely spends time in his room and is out with his friends all the time. Whenever me and my family go and visit them, he’s always in the living room and chats away with us about anything and everything whereas before we wouldn’t even see him because he’d be hiding away upstairs. Whenever there are family parties or activities he always comes and is friendly and engaging with everyone and is generally just really nice to be around.

It was a difficult 4-5 years with us all worrying what was going to become of him, but everything turned out okay in the end.

I think the early teen years are so difficult with transitioning to secondary school, social media, societal pressures, peer pressures, academic expectations, navigating friendships and relationships as well as coping with puberty etc, and if there are potential ASD or mental health complications added to that too then it’s no wonder our youngsters just want to hide away in the safety of their bedrooms.

I wish you luck moving forwards OP.

Orquid9 · 29/12/2025 10:02

Has she got blood tests to ensure everything else is ok? Magnesium glycinate gummies for teens help with anxiety. Also, I perhaps meditations, I use the mindful movement in YouTube, yoga, vitamin D.

Bihan · 29/12/2025 11:26

I'm here with you. I have a 14 year old girl too who is at burn out. We have been doing very gentle days. Reading together with music in background. Some simple tidying and sorting together and quick trips to shops together. It's been really difficult but trying not to panic and going the pace we can. Have to keep reminding myself to calm down when I feel panic bubbling at my throat. Some meltdowns and some stern talks, both to myself and her so we maintain the most basic boundaries, whilst recognising that she's not in a great place. Her sleep is all over the place, intrusive sleep, autism, pda, social isolation, self harm, suicidal and anxiety. Sometimes the step forward is unclear. Those are the moments...this moment I am in now...where I could just cry. This feels like swimming through quick sand.

I'm trying to look for places where she can make online friends safely. Any pointers would be appreciated.

You are doing your best. One step at a time. Vitamins (esp for Vit D and magnesium), food, water and sleep first as much as possible. Then whatever she enjoys, with bribes if needed. Some outside time however she can manage

One thing I saw switch on my daughters lights is the thought of volunteering and being of help to others. Switching the role essentially where it's not her at the end of the support but the other way around. I've contacted churches to see what we can get involved in and the local library. Library have said she needs to be 15 so we wl need to wait a little bit but it's in the plan. Plan to ask the local stables too.

They need to see their purpose in life and find outward connection in a safe manner.

Go slowly and kindly.

Bihan · 29/12/2025 11:35

LondonLady1980 · 29/12/2025 09:34

My reply might not help as I will be talking about a boy and not a girl but hopefully it will still offer some reassurance.

When my cousin was young he showed so much potential academically and he was such a bright and cheerful happy lad, but when he was 12ish it was like we saw a change in him and when he got to Secondary school he was like a different boy. He really struggled and as the years passed he started isolating himself, truanting, struggling in class, failing tests, not doing homework, disengaging from family events etc and by the age of 15/16 he spent all his time in his room. He did have some friends but he didn’t see them often at all. He hardly passed any of his GCSEs and although he started a course at the local college he’d given it up within 9-10 months. We all used to joke he was a hermit as he just spent all his time upstairs and would never social engage with any of us. He also showed autistic traits (mild ones) and we did wonder if this was why he had changed so much in terms of his academic abilities/achievements and his interpersonal skills.

However, fast forward to him recently turning 19 and he’s like a different person. He got himself a full time job in a local supermarket when he was 18 and now he’s back to being a social and friendly guy who very rarely spends time in his room and is out with his friends all the time. Whenever me and my family go and visit them, he’s always in the living room and chats away with us about anything and everything whereas before we wouldn’t even see him because he’d be hiding away upstairs. Whenever there are family parties or activities he always comes and is friendly and engaging with everyone and is generally just really nice to be around.

It was a difficult 4-5 years with us all worrying what was going to become of him, but everything turned out okay in the end.

I think the early teen years are so difficult with transitioning to secondary school, social media, societal pressures, peer pressures, academic expectations, navigating friendships and relationships as well as coping with puberty etc, and if there are potential ASD or mental health complications added to that too then it’s no wonder our youngsters just want to hide away in the safety of their bedrooms.

I wish you luck moving forwards OP.

I really needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing.

OP thank you also for starting this thread. There's a lot of us in the same boat. I am wishing you lots of luck. We have to believe that we are inching forward. We are going through the EOTAS route and also told we won't be successful. I have to try and appeal of needed. In the meantime, we will do what we can so we don't sink completely. Take it slow. Try not to panic. Homeschooling is just a tool to keep her engaged. It doesn't have to be seen as this huge scary thing and she can always retake GCSEs if needed. It's more to get them some space to heal from burnout.

beasmithwentworth · 29/12/2025 11:45

@AEEG

It’s frustration at every turn when trying to get the support for them isn’t it? DDs school wouldn’t apply for an EHCP (she’d been out of school for a year at that stage) so I applied. She got the EHCP then barely set foot in school after that so that was pointless. With section 19 that was successful after she was out of the really bad place she had been in. The school applied with lots of hassling from me but when that was rejected I contacted anyone who’s phone number or email address I could find at the LEA and didn’t stop hassling. In the end she got tutors for English, maths and science provided at home for 2/3 months. It was every day and after a few false starts it was great. She still didn’t come down everyday but they turned up regardless and slowly the trust and confidence built. Without these she would not have taken any GCSEs and she only made it back into school the day before exam leave started completely out of the blue.
The tutors weren’t based on her having an EHCP as she didn’t have one when that started - it was done on medical grounds.

It’s like a full time job (as you are probably already aware) dealing with the school, medical appointments etc and then later on the LEA but don’t give up hassling and hassling. Admittedly my DD had various hospital and CAMHS reports to back up the application for home tutoring - it’s sad that someone has to be in such a bad place for anything to happen though.

beasmithwentworth · 29/12/2025 11:47

@Bihan yes this is similar to my DD (now 18). I think for them (and I always sensed she’d be fine in the workplace ) it’s school that is a big part of the problem. She is absolutely loving working and is similar.

RudolphTheReindeer · 29/12/2025 11:51

She's absolutely entitled to section 19 provision, the local authority might be awkward about it but there are steps you can take. Apply for the EHCP and appeal if they say no. Re section 19 you can get a solicitor to write a a pre action letter (look at sossen website if you can't afford one https://sossen.org.uk/services/document-service/ ) or do a complaint to the LA (it is the LAs legal duty to provide education not the school, so don't be sent on a merry goose chase if they direct you back to the school). Then take it to the Local Government and Social Care Ombudsman if necessary. Sadly it's a common complaint, you can read upheld complaints re lack of education here https://www.lgo.org.uk/Decisions/SearchResults?fd=0001-01-01&td=2025-12-29&c=Education&subc=Alternative%20provision&dc=u%2B&sortOrder=descending

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/12/2025 11:55

I’m just here to say that they do get better.

We fought for and got an EHCP. She eventually did an access course. The EHCP made little difference. There was very little support.

She did get a place at a special school, but refused to go😂

It was all horrible and stressful, and l cried all the time.

Now on ADHD meds and sertraline and she is like a different person.

It will sort itself out eventually