14 year old daughter always in bed

[AEEG]

Hi. Just wondering if anyone has experienced this with their teens and out the other side. Really need some hope please 🙏🏼

So my daughter started with EBSA last Feb. We changed schooled, tried dragging her in…nothing worked. School is shocking and no support whatsoever. She turned 14 in Oct and stopped going. We’re fighting for section 19 at the mo. Since taking the pressure off about school I thought she would improve but she seems to be getting worse. She couldn’t go on holiday with her dad. She couldn’t go to the Christmas markets with me and her sister. She’s okay most of the time when with friends and will do things. They give her confidence. She was really overwhelmed going out for a meal with her god parents. Me and her sister Xmas eve. We had to leave. She gets very upset and she did go back in the end but was very uncomfortable. She comes across as so rude because she won’t interact but that’s her anxiety. Shes an angry ball most of the time and is horrible to me and her sister. I get it’s half anxiety and half being a 14 year old girl. When she’s not with friends she doesn’t get out of her bed. Please tell me this is a stage and things will get better
Thankyou

My DD dropped out in a similar fashion after GCSEs.

firstly, don’t worry too much about keeping up. She’s entitled to free state education. My DD had a couple of years out with anxiety and was also diagnosed with an autoimmune condition.

FE colleges offer gcse courses for students who haven’t taken them. There’s limited choice - but everywhere offers English and maths.

education is like a conveyor belt and it can feel terrifying if your child falls off the conveyor. But there are other routes.

when my dd was ready to start education again she did a part time catering course to help her get back into it.

then she did an access course (both were free and at her local college) and from there went to uni.

she now has a physics degree from Newcastle.

it’s not the end of the world. Focus on getting her healthy, both physically and mentally and education will be there when she is ready.

we found private CBT therapy helpful. It was 60 an hour but was extremely effective.

camhs no use.

Education isn’t free after 19 though.

Access courses need a loan which is waived if you do a degree. Unless you are under 19 or have an EHCP.

Mine did it at just 18. They generally let younger ones on.

My daughter is Autistic and is/was the same. Somedays..weeks even she is so burned out emotionally she just cannot engage. We had a great result with CAMHS and attended a 12 week therapy referral and are now waiting to go onto another service. School has been hopeless though. My daughter is 14 same as yours. Its such a worry OP. The only thing I can say is go on your daughters time. have no expectations right now it is not important she engages,let her be, let her regroup with herself, she will be mentally exhausted and it is real. Just surround her with love and let her do what she can when she can. Keep communicating with professionals and fight for her,its terrible you have to but you must. I wish you well going forward and hope yoour daughter gets the help and support she needs.There is groups for parents too which might help you too,might be worth trying. I would also suggest ringing Parentline (have a google) they might have some suggestions for you as a family that might help.

Thankyou so much ❤️

Sorry Also to add...before our daughters diagnosis it was her who pushed for it not us. She had so many questions such as wanting to knwo why she felt different ..she had an awareness of herself. The diagnosis was able to confirm in her words she was not going mad or was crazy. The diagnosis alone made huge difference to her mental health.She sort of got conformation she was right ,she was different but that was ok. Maybe with your daughter you could frame it as sort of the same..would she like to know its ok to feel as she does etc and its ok,its not her fault ,she isn't responsible, its nothing she is doing, and she is who she is? Maybe it might help her to accept she is normal in a different way maybe? Didnt explain any of that well but hope you get my gist...sorry!

Thank you xx

Have you appealed the EHCP refusal? Was it refusal to assess or refusal to issue?

An EHCP can provide therapeutic provision DC wouldn’t otherwise get via the NHS/schools. It doesn’t cover higher education, but an EHCP can remain in place until 25 or 26 in some cases.

LAs often unlawfully refuse to provide s19 provision. You can challenge this though, including via judicial review if necessary. LAs refuse because it saves money in the short term. Some parents won’t know they can challenge the decision, some decide not to, and even when parents do take it further, it kicks the can down the road.

@Bihan
Loved your post and you are doing so well being brave and calm for your daughter.
As a mum to another struggling DD, a lot of what you say makes complete sense.
We have to have hope to give them hope.
I also agree about the volunteering. I did DBT with my daughter and one of the things they mentioned is about helping others to make us feel better and experience gratitude.
Do you have a food bank in the local area? They usually allow kids to volunteer for dofe.
Other option is you could become a volunteer yourself and DD can come with you.
I volunteer at my local food bank and it's great.
I hope you find something!
Xx

My dd was too unwell for volunteering in burnout.

You are describing my daughter at the same age. She eventually made it through sixth form and to Uni but the diagnosis of AuDHD in the first year of Uni was the turning point.
Now living independently and flying high academically and on course for a PHD

Getting a diagnosis is the key to understanding. Research providers who offer staged payment terms?

@Bihan sorry I realised I mistakenly tagged you in a post whereas it was one by @LondonLady1980‘s I was responding to. But I loved your post too and that’s exactly where we were so I really understand.

My daughter is autistic and has missed huge amounts of school - she is 11 and just struggling currently with the very difficult transition to secondary.

She also spends a lot of time in bed!

First steps first - you can work out for yourself if she has autistic traits - there are lots of online resources and supportive communities. You can then go on the Right to Choose pathway I think via your GP

Even if it's years til she gets a diagnosis - it's worth starting now. My brother got an autism diagnosis at 40 and wishes he had it in his teens - even if she did'nt get it until she is an adult she will benefit from the self awareness.

My daughter goes to a support group for autistic girls (most of them have missed a lot of school) - and not all of them have a diagnosis, some are on the pathway.

So - for school refusal. You need to make yourself an absolute thorn in the side of the SEN team at school - they need to think you are going to bother them! then keep bothering them. They should be supporting you - yes they won't want to but do not give up

There are often local alternative provisions for chidlren who can't cope in mainstream you don't always need an EHCP - look /ask for the schools /councils AP list, get the senco to help you.

remember school is not the only place young people can learn, it is heartbreaking to see your child missing out but - if they can't cope in a mainstream classroom it just means they need something different.

My main advice is to reach out and find others local to you - are oyu in a town/city/village? I live in a small city and there are a lot of similar families and it's been an incredible support to me to find them.

Op it takes time - like a lot of TIME - all the potential masking takes years to reset. My child it took 2 years to start coming out of it after being in a very dark hole for years - still not like “normal” but now willing to engage to some extent in the family home.

Which La you with? Section 19 can be shit (with or without an EHCP) there is someone that knows the laws within this thread which is fabulous however LA are shocking and they don’t stick to the law. You should get section 19 after day 6 of missing school and ticks in within 15 days that’s the law but it doesn’t happen like that.

I’ve been in a battle for 2 years plus and still nothing so you have to work out whether it’s what the child wants or not. Whether you have the fight in you or not.

Right to choose for diagnosis however I know some countries stopped that if your in the UK.

Did you use the IPSEA template for section 19 (honestly I’ve not got any use out of it but that’s what you should use) if you really want section 19 depending which county you might end doing a JR (as some LA ignore PAP # I hope you’re not in Surrey as they are 💩 )

Use the Ipsea template to request a potential EHCP which could last until age 25 if granted but still then it’s a fight but maybe it’s worth it for you both.

its not rosey. Just support your child. Not everyone needs to go to school lots of other ways / options later on to learn and do qualifications. Not everyone needs to go to school to learn.

Lower the demands and when she is ready she will blossom in her own time. Sounds like she needs time to re energise herself. What does your child want? Go by her lead.

Yep I’d go private if cash allows as you could be waiting a long time on the nhs …..

Good luck it’s really hard but she will get there with time to reset her batteries

Yes I agree it's too much in the middle of burnout. The thought of it gave my girl some hope and a possible future plan though and it wasn't immediately discounted like going to school is. Atm we are on the floor and she's feeling hopeless so it's something in a sea of nothing. When we are in a better place, something for us to consider. I'm sorry you also went through this. 💐

Yes it’s awful. I hope your Dd feels better at some point.

5 years for us, but she got better and had just skipped off out!

Hi all, hope it's ok for me to revive this, as I also have a 14 year old daughter in bed right now, and it's just so lonely (for me, as well as for her).
Her story is another variant on the theme of fine until secondary. Her MH went rapidly downhill, self harm, suicide attempts etc and an autism diagnosis late last year.
She's now burnt out and off school. School has been helpful and she has just been granted a tutor under section 19. We made a request for an EHC needs assessment, which was initially turned down but then granted just before mediation (not sure why).
No point to this post other than to say hi and I hope you are all seeing some signs of hope, and thank you to PPs who have been through this and shared their stories.

@lozwanger

I have been exactly where you are. I could have written your post a few years ago - DD now 18 was in burnout and off school for long periods over 3 years. She was granted an EHCP a couple of months before her GCSEs but it was never put to use as she wasn’t in school. Like you, we were appointed tutors under section 19 a couple of months before the EHCP was granted.

I can’t comment on whether or not the tutors would have helped her with a return to school . As we know , the lessons they have missed and catching up on work is not the Main reason they aren’t in school…. It just contributes to
the anxiety of returning I think.

What I can say though is that 3 months of tutoring (she didn’t go downstairs every day. Good and bad days) enabled her to have the confidence in her knowledge to take and pass 5 GCSEs. I was so happy for her.
I honestly had been thinking she wouldn’t be taking any as she hadn’t set foot in school for 4 months. The tutors were a godsend and I’ll forever be thankful to them.

Incidentally - the first English teacher she was assigned was not right for her at all. She had no enthusiasm and no rapport. I called the agency the LEA used myself and was quite honest. The one they found as a replacement was fantastic so do speak up if there are any issues.

I do know how incredibly isolating it is for you too. It’s very hard and I have never experienced worry and loneliness like it. I found that ‘not fine in school’ Facebook group fantastic.

Good luck to both of you

Hi. How is your daughter now she’s 18? Is all the anxiety and isolating in her room behind her? Xx

Hi. How did you manage to get section 19? I’ve been trying since Oct. My daughters EHP was denied. Did you appeal that decision? My daughter hasn’t been officially diagnosed. Thankyou

She sounds very anxious, OP, and schools aren't usually good at dealing with anything different. You're simply expected to keep your head down and get on with things, and if the wheels fall off, then you will be off-rolled or encouraged to leave so that you don't affect their results 🙄Schools are far too big, and I've heard them referred to as being like sausage factories before, just churning out students who were able to conform and make it to the end. Do you have any colleges that offer courses to home educated students, or to children who can't be in school for some reason? There is also book called 'Beautiful Failures' by Lucy Clark, which resonated a lot with me.

Does she find people overwhelming and anxiety-inducing? Her bedroom is quiet, and it is her safe place, where she can recharge. Also, siblings can be genuinely annoying, especially if you're two very different people being forced to live under the same roof!

My mother said that I was harder to raise than my brother. He was the 'normal' one who went through school, sixth form, passing his driving test, university and getting a job at all of the normal ages and without any serious problems. I found all of that, coupled with family pressure and teenage hormones, too much to cope with at the time. I did do all of those things, just at a little bit of a later stage, and with a nervous breakdown along the way... and still spent all of my time in bed, because the world was too draining, and I didn't have anything to get up for. My family backed off with some of the pressure after the breakdown. I went to a smaller, more vocational college with a relaxed vibe. I got a puppy, who gave me the reason to get up in the morning, and a lot more besides. I got a job with more animals than people. That job, fortunately, came with accommodation, so I live very rurally, where it is quiet and there aren't many people.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but it does get better, OP. It takes a lot of mistakes and successes, and when you're 14, you can't see this. All you get is, "Your schooldays are the best days of your life!" and at 14, you think, "You mean it's going to get worse...?" which isn't exactly motivational!

@BeQuaintRubyRobin
Maybe leave the people who have experience and knowledge of this most terrifying and isolating period to it on this one.

I’m placemarking here as we’re currently going through the same. DD diagnosed 5 years ago with autism and she definitely fits the PDA profile. Considering section 19. You’re not alone, OP. This is such a tough place to be.

@AEEG

She started A levels .. all seemed to be going ok and I began to feel hopeful. However after the first 3/4 months the wheels fell off again - the same reasons as before - until there was barely any attendance. The school kept her on the register until her peers finished A Levels.

She did quite a lot of odd jobs / work experience through various friends of mine and did a great job once school was out of the picture. That’s where pretty much all of her anxiety lay.

She still spent some time in bed but not nearly to the extent of when she was in burn out and no self harm/ attempts on her life this time round.

By the time she turned 18 in the summer she was desperate to get a bar job and start to meet some new people. She has now been there for 5 months and absolutely loves it. Hasn’t had a day off sick, hasn’t been late, takes complete responsibility for herself and has met some great people - plus she has loved learning how to work behind the bar / make all of the different cocktails etc.

I am hoping that she decides to return to some form of education as she has a really good brain - she just couldn’t do school. I’m being fully behind her as I think me showing that support is important (whilst secretly googling apprenticeships and sending her the odd one)

For now I am just so happy that she is mentally in such a better place than she was, as I remember only too well how awful it is for everyone.

The things I think that helped were, knowing that the pressure of school was off the cards and also just maturity and getting to know more what you are capable / not capable of. She also sees a therapist once a week. I couldn’t get her to talk to anyone at 14/15, but she said she really wanted to aged 17.

I know this doesn’t help you much now and I hope it doesn’t last as long for you but there was a long period where I didn’t think I’d ever see her smile again.. or (being honest) if she would even be here given what was going on at the time.