Worried about DS (15)

[Turbochargednothing]

I love my 15-year-old son with all my heart, but I don’t always love parenting him and right now he’s so closed off from me, I’m finding it really challenging.

This evening we went on a dog walk together, and I asked him what his biggest worry is. He refused to tell me—wouldn’t even give me a hint. I said okay, that’s fine, and reminded him he can always talk to me about anything, anytime, no judgment. It might help to share. He just said no.

His then confided that his second worry is next year—6th form. He’s going to stay at school, it is absolutely the best place for him to be, that I am sure about. However, nearly all his friendship group is leaving. He’s convinced that all the “bullies” are staying. I’m a bit sceptical because you need an excellent academic record to stay, and I’m pretty sure most of the kids he’s worried about won’t—there’s a pretty big ‘pot and party’ culture at the school at the moment and I’m not sure how compatible this is with an excellent academic record...

I’m so worried that he’s lonely. I know he has friends, but he never hangs out with them or speaks to them outside of school. That doesn’t feel normal to me…? He seems unhappy but refuses to open up. On top of everything else he was diagnosed with a medical condition about a year ago which has some impact on his mobility - it means he can’t (and never will be able to) play sports. He does RAF cadets outside of school and seems to get on with the other kids but never talks to them outside of meetings or does any of the extra activities available. On top of this he’s small for his age (always has been) and one of the youngest in his school year which has always had an impact on his self esteem.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here but my experience of parenting him is so different to any of my friends parenting their children. His friends parents (the ones I know) are really unfriendly and unapproachable and most of my friends have girls and the few that have boys - it’s all football, parties, girlfriends and socialising - they don’t have any of the concerns I have….

How can I help my son? I offered to pay for counselling regarding his medical condition but he point blank refused that. Does anyone else have experience of a son like this? Because I feel so alone dealing with him (DH wants to help but he was a super confident football and partying type at 15 and struggles to relate to his own son 😞)

When you say he can tell you anything and he told you about his fears for 6th form, did you say to him how you think it's the best place for him etc???

I think he needs to just to be able to speak his worries out loud and not have your opinions. But to take his concerns seriously and help him work through them e.g. look at alternatives like colleges/other 6th forms etc

What are his interests? Can these be used for him to do activities with like minded people?

Could your DS and your DH bond over something else e.g. a particular genre of film e.g. action,. Or something like watching stockcar racing etc...

One of my DS's struggles with friendships but it worries me more than him.

His bond with his dad wasn't good *DP couldn't understand him) but they have a shared liking of aci-fi films so go to the cinema and then a meal after to chat film. And they are much closer.

I have teens and I've learnt more about parenting in their teenage years than any other years. It's weird cos' we spend their early years with the majority of control and now have to gradually remove the scaffolding and hope we got things right.

You don't get to ask him what his fears are then be skeptical about them. Bullies can have good grades too. How did you react in the moment when he told you that?

It sounds like he might need a change of scene for 6th form, can you look at alternatives and get him on board with choosing somewhere he’s excited to go to?

What are his other hobbies? Has he tried scouts? Are there no sports that he can participate in for his own health and mental well-being?

Just be there for him to speak to.
There’s clearly a bigger worry; by telling you his ‘second’ worry he’s feeling you out to see how you will respond.
I’d thank him for confiding in you and tell him that while you think sixth form is best, if it isn’t what he wants you are happy to listen. Realistically it doesn’t mean he doesn’t go but it says ‘your opinion matters’.
The ‘big’ worry could be something like no one fancies me. Don’t dismiss it, it matters to him.
It sounds like you are doing a good job.

My dd was bullied through high school and 6 form, 6 form was a little better for her but she was often called names on the bus home. Dd did really well at school despite the bullies. When she went to UNI things changed drastically for her, she made lots of friends and got new hobbies. My dd has some mobility issues too, and also has an autism diagnosis, she found it hard to fit in at school. The bullies were not the less academic students, same as when I was at school.

@Turbochargednothing as you can’t step in and solve things / help arrange their lives in the same way you could when they were younger.

My son is one of the football pack (my concern is him developing any interest outside sport!) He does have some old friends who aren’t spray and don’t seem quite as social - but I believe they are happy enough. Certainly once they get into 6th form the mentality changes a bit and group dynamics change. Far more mixed gender friendship groups which your son might enjoy more.

You can’t force them to confide in you & would you have told your parents everything including your fears? Did you ask him his dreams too? Keep it balanced, don’t focus too much on your his worries.

I’ve offered him every alternative in the bloody region for 6th form, including private school, college, boarding school, other state schools etc. He has point blank refused everything but refuses to say why. I do think his school is the best environment for him as it’s a very academic environment and the staff are incredibly supportive.

I’m sceptical about this because I do happen to know a lot of these kids and I am sceptical that they will get the grades required to get into this particular sixth form. Spending lessons passed out stoned on your desk doesn’t generally make for the best GCSE grades does it?
Of course im not sceptical about his fears. They’re very clearly real to him.

Also I should point out that DS calls these kids bullies but he has never actually been bullied. He’s just terrified of being bullied or even noticed…

No you can’t force them to confide in you but something is so very clearly not right with him. What am I supposed to do, just stand back and let him wither away…??

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I do really appreciate it. I’m sorry if my responses come over as curt. I’m just using MN to vent my fears whilst simultaneously playing the role of super calm, chilled mother to my son.

Your doing great, doing what u can to support your ds, does come across/sound like anxiety which can be very difficult to understand or help with.

Is he actually unhappy? Thats not clear from your post. It sounds unusual for a boy his age i agree with you-but is he actually sad he doesn't have friends, or are you the one thats sad about it?

He does have friends- nice lads too from what I can tell- he seems to actually get on with quite a lot of the boys in his year but it’s just that he doesn’t ever contact them outside school hours and he’s so shy/quiet in school that I don’t think he’s ever really included in social circles… I don’t know how sad he is, maybe not as much as I’m projecting… I do know (because he told me) he’s been a bit sad when there’s been parties that he hasn’t been invited to….

He told you about his second top worry. That sounds great to me. I’m not sure why you are upset tbh. Maybe his no1 worry is something he hasn’t told anyone ever. Maybe it’s just too personal to share even with his mum. I think respect his privacy on that one.
And read the book “how to talk to teens so they will listen and listen so they will talk”.

I suppose I worry because he stubbornly refuses to talk to us. Maybe that’s just a normal teenage thing? I don’t want to fixate too much on what this particular worry is. Teenagers do worry (don’t we all) and no, I don’t need to know his every specific thought. I suppose though he seems so quiet and introverted and his self esteem so low that in combination with absolutely no social life I am panicking. Perhaps unnecessarily… I totally admit I’m a bit pfb with him!

Could you share with him or better still your dh what worries you both had at his age and how it panned out.

The environment in the 6th form is likely to be different to that of the secondary school. There will be fewer of the trouble makers because they won’t get the grades, and more of the academic students. Being a bit quiet / studious will probably be more acceptable, and in my experience there is less bullying. The lessons are very different, they are smaller, more focused, the fact that the students have chosen their subjects means they are more interested, and the teachers are more qualified.

Does the 6th form have any clubs he can join? That can be a way to socialise with less pressure.

I think the main issue is not whether he is going out to parties / socialising etc, but whether he is content or not (I don’t really like the term ‘happy’ because I think it creates an expectation amongst young people that if you aren’t ‘happy’ then you must be sad / depressed when in reality most people are not happy all of the time).

Does he want to change things?

Does he actually want to go to parties, or does he just feel he should? If there is lots of drinking / taking drugs at these parties, it may be that he’s not comfortable going.

Not all teenagers are extroverts, and it’s perfectly fine to have other interests. Lots of teenagers don’t do sports. The fact he goes to RAF cadets is great. Are there any other things he is interested in?

My DS is not good at making friends but he is content in himself. He we have found him a club he goes for his particular interest, and he has tried volunteering which he enjoyed too.

It’s great that your DS is talking to you, but be careful not to over-react or he won’t confide in future for fear of upsetting you. Teenage years are a bumpy ride and it can take a while for them to find their own path.

Does he do online gaming with friends at all? My son’s non sporty friends do join in on this and have done for years.

Totally agree with @BeverleyBrooks post. If he seems ok in himself you pressuring him to become more sociable might actually become his problem.

They do start to distance themselves. It’s all part and parcel of them becoming ready to be independent from you, they have to start to work through things themselves. I think this is the hardest thing as a parent to step back from as you so dearly want to help them.

Year 11 is tough, pressured and a bit boring! He may have just had mocks or be coming up to them. He may be knackered at the end of term. Give him a few days and see how he is then once he’s had time to relax.

Would he come with you / or go on his own to view some alternative sixth forms?

I know that teen boy vibe of complaining but ot wanting to engage with alternatives! Being a parent really is draining.

I also would wonder, is he genuinely problematically unhappy? Or just a bit disengaged with life.

Would he consider another hobby ?

I know from my own son that sadly by this age they aren't very keen on hearing suggestions but sometimes they might want to taalk without any judgement about their worries.

My youngest was similar at that age. Had friends but didn't socialise with them outside of school.
I asked many times about bullying but she always denied she was being bullied.

She's now 5 yrs on and socialise much more, has a better crowd of friends. Still keeps things close to her chest.

Personally I think the move from being a young child who plays with toys and a teen who is too old for all that (yet too young for pubs and clubs) is tough for many.

Oh we’ve tried but in the eyes of our kids we are ancient and know nothing…. 🙄

@BeverleyBrooks thank you for such a thoughtful response.

No. He’s not really a gamer. He spends a lot of time just watching sports videos on YouTube….

it’s not so much the socialisation - I’m definitely not pressuring him, it’s just I’m worried he’s lonely… he must be? Sat in his room on his own just watching YouTube videos… it doesn’t seem like a very healthy lifestyle…