Worried about DS (15)

[Turbochargednothing]

I love my 15-year-old son with all my heart, but I don’t always love parenting him and right now he’s so closed off from me, I’m finding it really challenging.

This evening we went on a dog walk together, and I asked him what his biggest worry is. He refused to tell me—wouldn’t even give me a hint. I said okay, that’s fine, and reminded him he can always talk to me about anything, anytime, no judgment. It might help to share. He just said no.

His then confided that his second worry is next year—6th form. He’s going to stay at school, it is absolutely the best place for him to be, that I am sure about. However, nearly all his friendship group is leaving. He’s convinced that all the “bullies” are staying. I’m a bit sceptical because you need an excellent academic record to stay, and I’m pretty sure most of the kids he’s worried about won’t—there’s a pretty big ‘pot and party’ culture at the school at the moment and I’m not sure how compatible this is with an excellent academic record...

I’m so worried that he’s lonely. I know he has friends, but he never hangs out with them or speaks to them outside of school. That doesn’t feel normal to me…? He seems unhappy but refuses to open up. On top of everything else he was diagnosed with a medical condition about a year ago which has some impact on his mobility - it means he can’t (and never will be able to) play sports. He does RAF cadets outside of school and seems to get on with the other kids but never talks to them outside of meetings or does any of the extra activities available. On top of this he’s small for his age (always has been) and one of the youngest in his school year which has always had an impact on his self esteem.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here but my experience of parenting him is so different to any of my friends parenting their children. His friends parents (the ones I know) are really unfriendly and unapproachable and most of my friends have girls and the few that have boys - it’s all football, parties, girlfriends and socialising - they don’t have any of the concerns I have….

How can I help my son? I offered to pay for counselling regarding his medical condition but he point blank refused that. Does anyone else have experience of a son like this? Because I feel so alone dealing with him (DH wants to help but he was a super confident football and partying type at 15 and struggles to relate to his own son 😞)

No. He’s said categorically he won’t. I’m not going to push it too hard because the local 6th for college is not good and would potentially be disastrous for him both academically and for his mental health. Other 6th forms in the area are not as academic and his academics are his one certainty. His comfort zone if you know what I mean?

@uhtredofbattenberg thank you for the reassurance. It helps to know I’m not the first person to have these issues.

Just to update - he came back to me at lunchtime today and basically admitted he’s extremely anxious about various issues. He said he has got himself into a pattern of catasrophising over ‘stupid’ irrational things. This hit hard because, he doesn’t know it, but his dad is exactly the same. He won’t talk to his dad though. He’s asked me for practical help for dealing with anxiety (but still won’t divulge what this particular stress is…) I won’t go into all the details of what we both said because that would take all night but I tried to approach this in a calm, non judgmental way. I’m not sure I helped much though. I think he’d like me to wave a magic wand and make all of his problems disappear. I wish I could….

I’m maybe irrationally worried that because I couldn’t magically just fix it all for him, he won’t bother to tell me next time…

So his fear is going to the school that you think is 'the best place for him' and you're 'sure of that'. So you're just shutting down his biggest fear. Why ask him about it then?

No. What are you reading?? That’s absolutely not what’s happening here. He is struggling with anxiety. Nothing to do with his school.

Well at least you know what he’s struggling with even if you can’t fix it. Maybe it will help him to talk to his dad if his dad has similar issues, so he knows it’s not just him.

Then why did you say he told you his fear was going to the sixth form of that school?

I didn’t….? He is not afraid of going to sixth form in his current school. I’d say pissed off/concerned but he’s always been pretty open about that… changing schools won’t magically remove him from the drugs culture that is prevalent in young people, it won’t magically mean he grows half a foot or that his poor destroyed joints will magically fix themselves… it would mean he is no longer in a supportive environment where his teachers know his medical history and understand that he might be quiet but he’s also really bright and if encouraged he has some good points to add to class discussions… where his siblings (whom he is close to) are also at school… He won’t tell me what his greatest fear is but he did confide that he’s pretty exhausted in having to deal with constant anxiety. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear but I also feel like you’re not posting on this thread with the best of intentions.

I wish he would… he’s going through a ‘dad is wrong about everything’ phase at the moment though. He’d be annoyed with me if he even knew I’d told his father the conversation we had earlier.

Oh ok sorry. I misunderstood when you wrote this-

'then confided that his second worry is next year—6th form. He’s going to stay at school..'

Yeah his second worry…. ie not the thing he’s really worried about it and also he’s worried about next year wherever he goes… and not surprisingly! It’s a big step and the friendship group he’s had since he was 4 is going to be split up! Of course that’s a big deal for him. Please don’t accuse me of not listening to him though.

Could you afford a therapist?
One of my DS's sees one.
He refused for ages but did agree to try 3 sessions. Thankfully the therapist is brilliant and really engages with DS. DS says it does help to chat to someone and has helped them see things a bit differently.

Yeah, his health insurance will pa for one. I’ve offered to arrange it but he was totally aghast at the idea. I will try him again. He’s a nightmare for saying no to everything though-

“no”
”why?”
”just no…”
(not just to a therapist… to every suggestion I ever make…)

It tool DS about 9 months to agree and oy did following an emotional outburst when I think I he shocked himself.

From what DS says, they chat about everything and nothing. It's not that heavy but helps him feel heard and understood.

If he won’t do therapy could you find a coach/ mentor under the guise of it being about wellbeing/ life balance etc. A young relatable male. Have you read raising boys by Steve Biddulph? Worth a read.

It's really positive that having mulled over what's worrying him and shared his #2 fear, he realised he would be able to share his #1 fear with you too. As he's been going over his fears in his mind for ages, I would be surprised if he is expecting you to solve this for him. He may well be practising saying it out loud to see if that makes it any better/worse for him. If by having someone else know, a particular anxiety doesn't happen, it may make it easier for him to talk about things more often. If the thing does happen, he knows he can tell you that it's happened because you knew it was a concern. Feeling able to access some kind of talking therapy, CBT etc would be valuable but for now, that's not where he's at. There are online resources such as Kooth which may feel more accessible to him, or you could look at Mindjam if he gets to a point he'd consider a mentor. Message him links to both with a, 'in case you think you'd be up for trying to chat to people less ancient than me' type of message.

If he is feeling anxious about lots of things, it may well be that he simply doesn't have the energy to be sociable outside of school. Even for the bright, hardworking students who are expected to sail through GCSEs and come out with all 8s and 9s, the pressure of expectation can be huge. He may well be worried that his mind will go blank in the creative writing paper of the English language exam, or that one of the biology papers will be about something obscure etc etc. It's not unreasonable for high-achieving students to feel the weight of pressure, especially as it's the first time this cohort will have been subject to externally set and marked assessments. As he has good relationships with staff and is already known to the SEN team because of his medical condition, I wonder if you could chat to the SENCO yourself and ask about the possibility of one of the subject teachers he gets on with being willing to chat sometimes. Maybe it would need to be an, 'I've got a couple of exam technique things I'd like to talk you through...' offer initially. No expectation or pressure for any sort of therapy chat but perhaps creating the opportunity and space for him to download a bit with someone who isn't his mum and who he already trusts. Although the ideal would be to do this in collaboration with your DS, from what you've said already, I think he would resist so you may need to raise it with the SENCO but make sure they understand it's important it's not billed as an idea coming from you.

@SE13Mummy thank you for such a thoughtful, reassuring response. Apologies that it took me a while to come back to the thread.

DS ended up confiding everything to me. Bless him. His anxieties on their own are not the issue, he is more upset at how badly they are affecting him (if that makes sense!) He has agreed to go and talk to someone so that’s my first job to sort next week. I think it will really help him. I’m so glad that he has been able to talk to me (eventually!) about it although I’m frustrated I can’t really help him. I think when he confided in me he was hoping I could just flip a switch and make his anxiety go away. I wish I could. But anyway, we have a plan. He is still young. I hope he will be able to come out of this with more tools in his mental health first aid kit. I’m sorry, I can’t quite articulate what I want to say so I’m just wittering a bit! Thanks to everyone who helped us out with the sensible advice. He went out to a party on NYE and came back really happy. I was so pleased for him.