Teens still want to come everywhere with me

[CatsandRats]

I know I’m unusual here but does anyone’s teens want to come absolutely everywhere with them? Can’t even nip to the shops alone. I know it’s nice but it’s also quite suffocating. I know probably no one has this issue as everyone tells me there kids don’t want to be seen dead with them anymore so I should feel happy but it can also be quite tricky having to take them everywhere I go. (They do have some mild Sen but perfectly capable being left alone)

can you just say to them that it’s urgent and you have to go out. Yes they might be anxious but learning that they can get through that discomfort and be ok at the end might be beneficial for them.

This is not normal. Tell them you need some peace.

I think it depends on the child but talking through their fears of what they are scared of happening if left alone. Then giving clear actions they can take to mitigate those what ifs. Then start practicing explaining very clearly I will be going here and back by x time (I add on 15mins for delays.) I have two DDs both with mixed impact from Sen & anxiety. I like to walk the dog early and to start with the 14yr old came with me but now prefers a lie in so stays home alone for an hour now whilst I walk the dog. I love that quiet hour as she’s homeed too. You can stretch that tolerance it just takes time to build. Good luck keep trying.

They have Sen id agree if NT children but I couldn’t take my youngest out as she was sick but I’m not leaving anxious children watching her (they were visibly upset) as that seems inappropriate to me.

I’m ND as is one of my young adult DC. They should be able to understand that you need some time to yourself to avoid overwhelm. In the same way as they presumably need little adjustments or have quirks, you need to be able to do some stuff without them.

You will go and you will return. Start small, a grocery trip. Build it up to whole days.

They have been left alone before that’s how they know they don’t like it, I was slightly longer than they expected and now that’s it. My son also said he imagines I’ve been hurt when I’m out and won’t be coming back.. no idea why he would think that as nothing has ever happened

Well that’s just nonsense though. Get them told that sometimes they need to help you by staying home, they’re well old enough.

Whilst the sentiment is lovely. I don't think you are doing them any favours tbh.

Presumably you all have phones and maps on an app, live 360, snapchat etc? Being late home because you bumped into someone and had a natter (hypothetically) and they are catastrophising? I can see where the child was coming from at that moment in time, but they do have rational thinking presumably if you're happy to leave them.

If you asked them to pop to shop and get milk, will they go off alone? Do they go out with friends?

Just build it back up like you would leaving a pet - say you’ll be less than half an hour and only stay local then work your way up too long.
Makes me feel panicky enough reading this. Must be so smothering.

No they dont go out with friends, they will occasionally go to the shops together but not often and cant remember when they last did

How old are they?

15 13 and 12

Mine are 24 and 25 and the same 😂

Honestly I would hate this. Don’t get me wrong, I love it when my young adult kids enjoy spending time doing things with me. But I also love the fact they’ve become independent adults, and, more importantly, I can be just ‘me’ some days, not ‘mum’ 24/7

They won't die because they're uncomfortable with being left alone for half an hour. They need to practice being left because it's only with repeatedly doing that that they will retrain their nervous system that there's no need for a flight/fight/freeze reflex.

God, my son flew alone to the States at 15 and spent a week camping in the Rockies with his best friend, no adults.

They’ve been left alone as explained it’s a recent thing and any threads ive seen about leaving children home alone specifically states only if they are happy to be left alone

I do understand, but it's a bit of a vicious cycle; they're scared to be left alone, you don't leave them alone, they're still scared to be left alone.

But if you do baby steps as PPs have suggested, eventually they'll get used to it and not be scared as they know there's nothing to be worried about.

Presumably it's only 3 years till your eldest will be leaving home for university, they'll find it a lot easier if they've gradually learned to let go of the apron strings.

Sounds very much like it will last forever tbh

If it doesn’t end at 25 then when does it? They’ve already missed the window for independence and a social life of their own

No? They have Sen I don’t know if I made that clear enough but my oldest will absolutely not be leaving home for uni.

Same. I think keeping them as adult babies is actually doing them a huge disservice.

You said the SEN doesn’t affect them being able to be left on their own.

Mine like lots of time with me especially my 18 year old , I don’t mind as it won’t be forever he does want to and I love spending time with him.

As in the wouldnt do anything silly like burn the house down or flood the place.

I think the challenge is that you expect teens to naturally not want to spend time with their parents so much. When this doesn’t happen it’s hard to know how to handle it.

I experience the same thing OP and have started to push back more. It’s not easy though.

That’s not really the bar for being able to be left alone. My 2 year old wouldn’t burn the house down but he can’t phone 999 if needed, or phone me if he needed something. Can your children do that?