Im not cut out to be a parent of teenagers

[Whattodo01826]

I hold my hands up and say i am not cut out for this!! I have absolutely adored being a mum from the very first day. I have put my heart and soul in to my kids . I've tried to make all the key moments special, spend quality time with them, holidays, days out , just loved every minute of it.
Neither of my kids were perfect, daughter moody, son high energy

Since they have become teenagers our entire family lives have changed. I know its normal but I am really really struggling. Our parents can't offer advice as they didn't experience what we are now. I was a homebody until I was 16 and an only child. I was an easy teenager .
My husband doesnt recall his family ever having arguments or problems.

Every day we have some chaos, argument, drama, mostly centred around son but daughter too and I don't know how to cope with it. The only respite I get is when they are at school and im at work, the rest of the time im walking on egg shells, worrying about where they are , what they are doing , who with. Dealing with school problems. Friendship problems. Mental health problems. It is just endless.
On top of this my son is terribly unorganised meaning he is late for everything causing alot of morning stress.
I am finding myself wishing time away until they've grown up and can move out. Then I feel so much guilt and sadness thinking back to the wonderful times we have had.
Now there are no wonderful times and im just scraping to bedtime each night feeling burnt out, exhausted, frazzled and stressed

No advice other than to say the morning thing is absolutely an issue in our house too, particularly with DS. Also the drama - oh my, the drama. And yes it is exhausting.

That said, DH and I had a conversation back along about not sweating the small stuff and to look at the positives - otherwise it just gets too overwhelming. I get massively stressed about the amount of time they spend on phones and the fact that they go to bed so late. But apparently I need to let that go! How old are you DC? Mine are 15 and 16.

I hold on to the fact that they are generally polite outside the house, they are (mostly) civil to us and show gratitude and are both, on occasions, hilarious and great company. They also go to school - which is a massive thing and they both seem to do OK at school.

Write down your positives OP.

Also do you have things you can do individually with them? DD (15) and I sing in a choir together and whilst I am obviously the most excruciatingly embarrassing person on the planet she seems to tolerate me there and it is a lovely thing to do together. DS (16 nearly 17) and I hike once a month with a friend and her son. It is nice to connect occasionally.

Good luck. It is not for the faint hearted this parenting of teens lark. I often say it it were a paid job I would have resigned by now!

Who is?

it’s a difficult time

Sounds pretty normal, sadly

Your husband either has a strange family or memory loss. Teenage years are disgusting. Going through them now and my heart is broken but my anger is top tier. I see now why my mum beat me.

I focus on the beautiful years when DD was a sweet angel that I thought was really stressful. It’ll probably get worse too.

some days all we get is a grunt.

What you’ve written about DS sounds like possible ADHD? If so ADHD medication can be really transformative and helpful in calming things down / making school things less stressful.

Teenage daughters…. No advice. I was horrible to my mum and I’m dreading having teens (pre teens bad enough).

Sounds fairly normal. I have 4! My advice is to pick your battles. Some things are just not worth fighting over.

We're 17&20 and I've just started to stop getting annoyed about it, and accept things for how they are. We have special moments and there is love but it's so so hard.

I wish daughter talked to me more, wish son wasn't a moody gamer, wished they got on and wanted to hang out with each other. But it is what it is and I'm sure it's like the mantra I repeated over and over for years - it's just a phase.

I think i am just shocked with the massive change. They are completely different people now.
My daughter we get some nice times with still in the house, but she wont go out with us anywhere.
Son we are having no good times at all at the moment, as there is issue after issue.
His school app has just alerted me to him being given another detention today and having a bad attitude so I know now that when he comes in there will be an argument about it . I just want a calm relaxed environment to live in. I want to be able to go to bed because im exhausted at night and try and sleep without having to wear earplugs because hes on the console with friends 7 days a week. Everything is just getting on top of me.
Luckily I have 2 weeks off from work over Xmas so that takes away the early morning stress at least.
Im only early 40s and im getting so many wrinkles, my hair is almost completely grey under the dye now, I have constant headaches. Its all because of the stress from them!!

Thank you for posting this OP.

I’m afraid I have no advice but I had a really awful morning with DD and it’s just made me feel like the worst mother ever. She’s changed overnight and I’ve got such low patience - I’m ashamed at how quickly I shout 😢
I know in theory I need to choose my battles but it’s so difficult in the moment.

The advice about remembering the positives is helpful.

Also having a rough time dealing with the teens years..DD has always been a difficult child, and I'm at the end of my tether. Procrastinating until the last minute to do homework then wanting my help at midnight when I'm up at 6 😞. And nothing I do is good enough, it's physically and mentally exhausting.

Maybe it's the day? I was going to write this post myself. Just the never ending drama and fuss of it all.

On the other side of the coin…my dd was and is a delight, but at age 15 she decided she didn’t want to be here any more, and started planning how to end her life.
Thankfully she told me, then followed 3 years of private therapy, medication and endless highs and lows.
It was the absolute worst time of my life, the endless fear that today might be the day she would actually kill herself.
She is now 21, at university and thriving.
Teenage years are TOUGH, but they do get through it.
Sending solidarity, and a very unmumsnet hug xx

No advice whatsoever only that you aren't alone. Hugs x

Oh gosh, 14 year old here and geez it’s been a roller coaster the last couple weeks. Throw in the youngest at 2 and my hormones and it’s a wonder we’re all still alive. No answers except I understand now why my parents largely ignored me.

Fist-bump of solidarity from me. I have 3 teens and have just bollocked one in Tescos for his gob-shittery. It is exhausting. I love them all with every fibre and yet I fantasise about sprinting away and not coming back until they stop calling me “Bruh” and treating me like a badly performing service provider.

There will be someone soon who will pop up with “clearly you don’t like your kids, if you were nice to them and less of a bitch, your life would be better.”

Whoever wants to type that, or similar, off you feck.

Sorry to hear this and very glad to hear she’s thriving now 😊

My dd is now 18 and doing well, applying to unis for next year, but between 14 and 17 she suffered terribly from anorexia and particularly age 16-17 there were some awful times getting her through the hospitalisations and treatment, that fear of her not making it was (still is sometimes) very real. Now she’s largely out the other side she’s a darling and we are very close thanks to having gone through it all. But I do have moments where I wish we could have had a normal awful time of it with her just being a ‘normal’ grumpy little shit or whatever. It breaks my heart what she had to go through.

You have my deepest sympathies OP, but they will grow out of it eventually (as we are trying to remember about DS16…) Hang in there!

I think you and your dh were very unlucky to have had such lovely teen years, as it left you unprepared for the messy reality. I, by contrast, found the teen years agonising, so I have had a great deal of empathy with my two! I also think it helps to remember that it is essential for their psychological development to move away from you and to test boundaries. Some teenagers handle this more elegantly than others.

These are brutal years, but I have found the early teen years much worse than the later, so perhaps you will get through it quicker than you hoped. Pick your battles. Try to find little points of connection where you can. Role model the behaviours you expect to receive - dont be a doormat. Find ways to release your anger - I just used to go into the next room and make V signs at the wall, hissing fuck you you little fucker so they couldn't hear me. It helped.

My youngest is now 16 and though we still have bad days, she is markedly calmer and politer than she was a couple of years ago. It does pass!

Things that helped us:

I listen to Ask Lisa in youtube about parenting teenagers.

I give them magnesium gummies for teens or kids, glycinate is best but I think citrate is also good. I think it makes them a bit calmer. I take magnesium myself.

Screens are a problem but DD15 has screen restrictions, limited hours and off at specific times; WiFi goes off at 10:30pm. We have EE and control it through phone.

Offer love and support, being a steady present.

She is normally on time to get to school but on the ocasional times she leaves late, I leave her be and deal with the consequences at school. No arguments, she is old enough to calculate time, etc.

Going out is a bit of a worry as you don’t have much control but we ask for information or who they are going with and where and have location sharing. Try to keep in touch re returning time, pick up. This is is the part I find the hardest and which gives me anxiety; we talk to them about the dangers of drugs, keeping safe, etc; and we rather she goes out that being bored st home.

Good luck, it is hard for both parents and kids alike.

It always helps me to think that this is all part of the natural separation process. If they weren’t awful, they’d never grow up and leave home!

Thank you x
And I’m glad your dd is doing so well.
And we thought the baby years were hard!!!!😳

Mum of a 14y old here - I totally agree. I am finding the teenage years so tough! So difficult trying to help her navigate the world when she seems to want to pull further away from me - trying to let her get some independence and protect her at the same time is really challenging!

Shes struggling with mental health challenges, friendships, schoolwork, and seems to swing between pressuring herself and checking out.

I thought the baby years were tough but this this is another level 😵‍💫

Our teens aren’t perfect but are generally pleasant and we have some good times with them. I was quite smug. Then like a pp dd2 developed anorexia seemingly out of nowhere which threw us into hell. Sort of through it but not sure Dh and I will ever quite be the same.

Sorry but your son is being a little shit. The internet needs to go off at 21.00 or 22.00 at the latest particularly on a school night.

I think you need some boundaries here. He should not be keeping the household awake half the night.

Mum of 14&18yr old and yes it's the hardest bit of parenting I have ever done. Son 14yrs was suspended from school last week for fighting and daughter 18yrs thinks she knows everything that her minimal rent means she should be getting some sort of all inclusive lifestyle.

If hes gaming late at night, his moodiness and rudeness could be because hes knackered?

Could you agree a cut off - so no gaming after 8 or 9pm. Listening to my sons friends in back of the car, some were talking about gaming until 1.30 am on school night! My son would be a zombie the nrxt day (and soooo grumpy!)!

My son thinks we're so mean, but anything in his room is off by 8 and any gaming on main tv is done with consent and only later in exceptional circumstance.
Not saying it would solve all probs, but might help?

My younger son was being really horrible and rude, so we put bedtime forward and has definately helped!