Im not cut out to be a parent of teenagers

[Whattodo01826]

I hold my hands up and say i am not cut out for this!! I have absolutely adored being a mum from the very first day. I have put my heart and soul in to my kids . I've tried to make all the key moments special, spend quality time with them, holidays, days out , just loved every minute of it.
Neither of my kids were perfect, daughter moody, son high energy

Since they have become teenagers our entire family lives have changed. I know its normal but I am really really struggling. Our parents can't offer advice as they didn't experience what we are now. I was a homebody until I was 16 and an only child. I was an easy teenager .
My husband doesnt recall his family ever having arguments or problems.

Every day we have some chaos, argument, drama, mostly centred around son but daughter too and I don't know how to cope with it. The only respite I get is when they are at school and im at work, the rest of the time im walking on egg shells, worrying about where they are , what they are doing , who with. Dealing with school problems. Friendship problems. Mental health problems. It is just endless.
On top of this my son is terribly unorganised meaning he is late for everything causing alot of morning stress.
I am finding myself wishing time away until they've grown up and can move out. Then I feel so much guilt and sadness thinking back to the wonderful times we have had.
Now there are no wonderful times and im just scraping to bedtime each night feeling burnt out, exhausted, frazzled and stressed

Have you thought of having your son assessed for ADHD?

I perceive you only want sympathy. I could offer suggestions but they won't be helpful, I perceive.

Adhd and tiredness present in v similar ways...

Why shouldn't she want sympathy? She's got mine - it sounds bloody tough, and sometimes you just need to feel you're not alone. Hang in there OP, it won't last forever 💙

Hang on in there because it does get better when they come out the other side!

we have 3 kids, close in age so they were all teenagers at the same time which was a wild ride! Though tbh probably better than having big age gaps because I imagine having teenagers plus very little children must be really hard for everyone in the family.

my 3 are grown up now and independent and we get on great with them, and they are all close to one another too. The days of nagging them to get up for school, refereeing arguments, worrying about what time they’d been home are in the past.

I do think what you describe is all very normal. It’s the teenagers who are always calm, cheerful and no problem whatsoever who are the outliers.

My only advice is to try to remember they don’t want to be moody and horrible! The teenage years are so difficult: lots of insecurities, friendship issues, worrying about their own future etc. Keep calm, always tell them you love them, remind them you’re on their side. Don’t nag, just aim to be a calm presence and accept that the separating from you is a perfectly natural process. They won’t want to tag along with every family activity or event and that’s ok. Pick your battles. And maybe most importantly, just listen. You don’t need to always be trying to advise them, or giving instructions or finding solutions to everything, just give them a space to talk when they want to. And if they don’t, accept that you can’t force it.

honestly i totally get how hard it is. Essentially you’re adapting from having total control over them when they were tiny children - deciding what they wear, eat, how you structure your day, who you spend time with, to accepting that they now make their own decisions over most things.

Just remember, if you keep the lines of communication open and always remind them they’re loved and valued, they will almost certainly come through these difficult years and emerge with a stronger, closer relationship with you.

I don’t know if this will help.

But when this was happening in our family I really got into reading about how the teenage brain develops. From memory, how the frontal lobe (reasoning etc), develops last, neural pruning etc).

It did fuck all to change their behaviour, but helped me understand a little more so I could mutter under my breath “this too shall pass”.

glad I’m not alone in this, my DD is just 17 and my mental health is taking a battering. I find my self wishing for her to move out.

No manners what so ever, she does nothing around the house at all but expects me and DH to be taxi, bank, cleaner, chef etc.

Her bedding has now not been washed in 5 months 🤢 she has not hoovered her room in weeks meaning all the mess is constantly around the house. Again I told her about it Monday we are on Thursday no change.

She has not put her washing in the wash bin all week, meaning she will put it in tomorrow and want it washed dried and put away for the weekend!!

It is a really tough ride and you have all my sympathy. I have four... they are now 21, 19, 17 and 16 and there have been issues with all of them alrhough some much harder than others.

Dd2, the 16 year old is a really good kid. Does well in school, no trouble, helps at home (way more than her siblings ever did) but is so distant and rude to me that it cite very deep. She used to be ju 'best friend', used to get letters as to how much she loved me, used to tell me everything and since tuening 13 it all switched off. She barely tells me anything at all , certainly doesn't confide in me but just dorsn't talk at all. Tried absolutely everything. Haven't given up but had a lot of meltdowns and upset about it. It feels awful.

I do know rationally that it will pass but it's hit me so hsrd especially after all thr siblings leaving home. The eldest 2 are now mostly delightful so it does pass. Big hugs!!!

Knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t have had kids. Teen years been horrendous.

I was a ‘terrible teen’. My mother could’ve written these posts.This is my side of the story…

I had an overbearing mother who gave me no independence and treated me like a child. She wasn’t the slightest bit interested in me as an emerging young person. Didn’t give a shit about my friends, my interests, the books I read, my school work, my ambitions, my opinions, my dreams… her word was the final one in our house - my dad just went along with her. She hit me occasionally. My only freedom was at my friend’s house where her parents were still fairly traditional but far more ‘normal’.

I was sad and angry and lonely. My behaviour and my rebellion reflected that. I’m in my 50s now and my mother elderly. I’m the dutiful dd but I’ve never forgotten… or forgiven.

And I’ve parented so differently. My teens were fine. They had their moments but I recognised the behaviour and we worked through it together. I always respected them and was interested in them. I told them that I loved them. And I showed it. That might’ve made all the difference to me as a teen.

Thanks for sharing. Similar experiences with 14 yo son. Past two years have been painful.

Appreciate there's a lot going on behind the scenes and in that growing head, but I think I've reached the end of my tolerance tether. Being patient and understanding seems to be giving him licence to be verbally and emotionally abusive to his whole family. I really never thought I would say this, but kindness and understanding doesn't help. He sees it as weakness.

I think a harder line is required. Wish me luck!

If there is one thing for sure you are 100% not on your own. It is literally like Battle Royale.

I adore my two little Boden-clad cherubs who loved to follow me everywhere bake cakes and go to the beach.

Now I have a 15-year-old tracksuit wearing grunting horrible 15-year-old DS. An 18-year-old DD sloth with a bedroom like a crack house! Who spends far too much time getting ready and going out! Despite having her car and car insurance fully paid for her.

If I dare ask about school or college, I get looked at like I am an alien! And the mornings are a Nightmare!

my husband and I try and put a light spin on it by giving them jokey, slightly horrible nicknames for when they’re not around! And hanging out together without them occasionally when we can to find a bit of normality! LOL

Ours as late teens can be quite nice now. They will play scrabble with us sometimes and we have good chats and we love eating out as a four. That said they are rarely around when they are at home they are working then they race off to do glamorous things.

Honestly anyone with small children ensure you keep your own life going because you are going to be epically dumped at some stage around 14 onwards!

I’m in the thick of it with a DD15 and a DD 13. They can have me in tears within seconds of waking up with their moods, spiteful words and eye rolls.
getting them to do anything over the holidays has been hard - I just want to go for a walk on the beach and when I ask them they look at me like I have three heads.
they come if food of course is being bought.
rooms are a disgrace however today two days before we have a fairly big party for NYE have decided to clear out their rooms and tidy them. This is great but they dump all their wanted clothes etc in the hall for me to have to take to the clothes bank!

we do have some nice times but Lordy the bad times do unfortunately outweigh them at the moment!
I miss them wanting to be with me and do fun things 😢 my friends always say pick your battles and hang in!
your not alone OP! And we’ve got this 💪🏻💪🏻

Mine also have jobs and I’m not with their father so feel like time together is precious! Throw in social life’s and we are screwed!

My two boys were awful as teens .I don't know how we got through it to be honest . I still think about it as do they and we talk about it now .They do hold some resentment towards me still but acknowledge that they also made it very difficult for me especially as their mum .They are 24 and 26 now and lovely young men working hard at their careers .I found everything got better when they left school as they both hated school with a passion .My advice to you would be just not to give up however difficult it may become .Keep your boundaries and rules in place.

This has been my life for the past few years. Constant dramas with friends/school/college, trouble, moaning, sulking, me feeling embarrassed.....the list goes on. All I've ever done is my best. Some days I wish I could run the hell away. It got so bad with my DS when he was 15 that every night I prayed for peace. Like someone else said, I sometimes wish I hadn't bothered. Been awful. I cant see an end to it....but I hope it ends soon. You are not alone, trust me. So take some solace in that OP if nothing else.

See if there are any courses locally that teach strategies for parenting teenagers, as you may find they are living with you until they are in their 40’s as housing is so expensive, unless of course you are willing to pay their rent or mortgage.