Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd not talking to us

30 replies

Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:22

youngest dd is really different to the rest of her siblings. She can be really loving, kind and the total opposite at times- quick to explode when she feels unheard or we disagree.
there’s been lots going on recently, she has fallen out with her best friend (because she stuck up for another friend 🙈) and that both shows her kind nature but also her stubborn side, she won’t even consider patching things up with the friend. She has other friends but I know misses her bestie. I’m off work after an orthopaedic operation and can’t drive or take her anywhere at the moment. Dh is having to do lots of extras which leaves little time for her but is still taking her to her netball training and matches. She has a volatile relationship with her dad - often says she hates him but he does try and spend time with her. They do tend to rub each other up the wrong way at times but can also be best buddies. She isn’t speaking to anyone in the house since Weds when she had a fight with her elder brother and dh stepped in to stop the fight. Both siblings were to blame for the anrgument and should have both known better. I refuse to side with her and so she is angry and upset. I listened to her version. She is refusing to come for family meals, isn’t speaking to us (did manage to send me her Christmas list though!!!) and generally moping around the house. I’ve just been to check on her and ask if she’d spend time with me this afternoon but she refuses. I explained that I’m feeling a bit lonely being at home all the time but she didn’t seem to care. She then said I never do anything with her which totally isn’t true. Shopping trips, cinema trips, ferrying her around to hobbies are usually common place. She is a happy, confident teen around her friends and family and well behaved and bright at school. Teachers love her.
I hate confrontation and as an only child find siblings fighting really difficult to manage. The other siblings (x2) just smudge along together, generally peacefully and nothing like dd.
she is cooking for herself at the mo so I’ve made sure there is stuff in she likes and can cook.
I'm at a loss for what to do to mend things…

OP posts:
bluejelly · 07/12/2025 12:26

As a mother of three daughters I would honestly say ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and leave her to it. Keep bright and busy and breezy. She has to learn that conflict shouldn’t be approached through anger or shutdown. All you can do is model the behaviour you want to see. She will get there eventually!

BadgernTheGarden · 07/12/2025 12:28

If she doesn't come for meals she doesn't eat, that is really disrespectful. If she wants to cook she can cook for everyone.

ThatTaupeReader · 07/12/2025 12:32

You haven't said how old your daughter is. The fact that she can cook her own meals suggests at least teens but for context giving her age and those of the siblings would be helpful.

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:35

bluejelly · 07/12/2025 12:26

As a mother of three daughters I would honestly say ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and leave her to it. Keep bright and busy and breezy. She has to learn that conflict shouldn’t be approached through anger or shutdown. All you can do is model the behaviour you want to see. She will get there eventually!

Thank you.
dd1 is like me and hates conflict so is relatively easy to parent for me. She’s several years older and has her own stuff of if on so tends to rise above any issues at home.
ds is so laid back he’s horizontal unless it involves football and rugby, then he’s interested! But very chill and slow to react until dd2 is involved.
it’s so hard to know what to do when they are angry and withdrawn. I do think you are right but I want to make things better and I have to accept I can’t!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:37

Dd is 19 (nearly 20) and at uni- comes home sometimes at weekends/holidays.
ds is 17
dd is 13

OP posts:
localbutterfly · 07/12/2025 12:39

She then said I never do anything with her which totally isn’t true. Shopping trips, cinema trips, ferrying her around to hobbies are usually common place.

Ask her what she would LIKE to do with you? I'm not saying just go and do whatever she suggests, but it might give you a better understanding of what she feels is "missing".

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/12/2025 12:42

You’re giving her all the power by telling her about your loneliness and entertaining her nonsense.

No wonder she acts up, she’s running rings round you. Come on OP, she’s your youngest, you should have the measure of teens by now. Ignore her drama and she’ll get fed up of it.

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:44

I did ask what she’d like to do. She wants to go out (probably shopping!!) but due to the nature of the op I’ve had and my recovery I can’t at the mo and for the next few weeks. Also trying not to spend money at the mo with Christmas coming and uncertainty over how long I’m going to need sick pay. She’s had this explained. Dd1 did come over last weekend while I was in hospital and take her out to the cinema which I thought was a lovely thing to do. I did suggest she invite a friend over this weekend.

OP posts:
TFImBackIn · 07/12/2025 12:46

Do her moods change when her period is due?

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:47

THisbackwithavengeance · 07/12/2025 12:42

You’re giving her all the power by telling her about your loneliness and entertaining her nonsense.

No wonder she acts up, she’s running rings round you. Come on OP, she’s your youngest, you should have the measure of teens by now. Ignore her drama and she’ll get fed up of it.

I think you’re right… time for tough love.
the other 2 were so much easier though! I thought I had this parenting lark!

OP posts:
ThatTaupeReader · 07/12/2025 12:48

I grew up as the youngest with similar age gaps, There is nearly 4 years between me and my sister. I can remember falling out with my sister and feeling that mum or dad not backing me up meant they allowed my sister to use her greater maturity against me. I see it in friends,when children are say 3 and 7 years old arguments tend to have parent intervening to even the playing field a bit. It sounds like in this case, you not supporting her in the argument with her brother means to her that you are happy for him to bully her. At 13 she is still a child, at 17 your son is almost an adult. There is an imbalance but you don't want to address it because it us uncomfortable. If she had a 17 tear old boyfriend you would be backing her up.

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:49

TFImBackIn · 07/12/2025 12:46

Do her moods change when her period is due?

No not really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:53

ThatTaupeReader · 07/12/2025 12:48

I grew up as the youngest with similar age gaps, There is nearly 4 years between me and my sister. I can remember falling out with my sister and feeling that mum or dad not backing me up meant they allowed my sister to use her greater maturity against me. I see it in friends,when children are say 3 and 7 years old arguments tend to have parent intervening to even the playing field a bit. It sounds like in this case, you not supporting her in the argument with her brother means to her that you are happy for him to bully her. At 13 she is still a child, at 17 your son is almost an adult. There is an imbalance but you don't want to address it because it us uncomfortable. If she had a 17 tear old boyfriend you would be backing her up.

To be honest she is generally the one provoking her brother. He is too laid back and disinterested but will argue back when provoked. I don’t tend to argue with anyone but even she knows how to push my buttons and provoke a reaction- she seems to love it!

OP posts:
ThatTaupeReader · 07/12/2025 13:00

Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 12:53

To be honest she is generally the one provoking her brother. He is too laid back and disinterested but will argue back when provoked. I don’t tend to argue with anyone but even she knows how to push my buttons and provoke a reaction- she seems to love it!

Show quote history

So why does she feel the need to provoke an argument? Does she actually get any pleasure or benefit from doing it? If not, then I'd be wondering what is going on that she feels the need to behave this way. Does she feel that she is compared to her siblings and at the age if 13 thinks she's not as good as them? I remember feeling that nothing I did could compare to my sister. You say your older daughter is at uni . Does DD2 secretly feel that is something she will struggle to do? I think these are just questions worth asking.

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 13:04

ThatTaupeReader · 07/12/2025 13:00

So why does she feel the need to provoke an argument? Does she actually get any pleasure or benefit from doing it? If not, then I'd be wondering what is going on that she feels the need to behave this way. Does she feel that she is compared to her siblings and at the age if 13 thinks she's not as good as them? I remember feeling that nothing I did could compare to my sister. You say your older daughter is at uni . Does DD2 secretly feel that is something she will struggle to do? I think these are just questions worth asking.

Show quote history

I think she does sometimes feel that she is in her siblings shadow as she is the youngest and they are successful academically and in their hobbies. Dd1 is talented in art and music and ds is great at sport. Dd2 is probably brighter than them both but likes to be seen as different and doesn’t let us see her work of hard. She is a combination of them both academic and sporty but I do think this rivalry is the real issue. We praise her lots and support her in everything she does but it still seems an issue.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 07/12/2025 13:09

it’s not your job to “fix” sibling fallings out.

especially at 13 many teens (boys and girls) can be very difficult.

Maybe have a look at the book “get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town”.

TeenLifeMum · 07/12/2025 13:17

She’s 13 and needs to eat with family - non negotiable.

otherwise it’s a breezy “here if you want to talk but I’m not playing your games on your terms” then ignore the nonsense and don’t give in to the drama. It’s hard but do not reinforce this behaviour (I have a 17yo and twins age 14 - one is very dramatic but the other two really easy going. The dramatic one thinks the others are my favourite, which isn’t true but she likes to try to get a rise from me. Certainly did at 13. It’s better now but still creeps in occasionally)

lljkk · 07/12/2025 13:35

I only read OP's posts.

I'm at a loss for what to do to mend things…
My gut feeling is to give her space to be unhappy. Create a friendly space she can insert some comms into when she's ready. Setting your boundaries is fine, but don't keep going back to that topic if you can avoid it easily.

It's not clear to me that she is being so miserable that she makes others unhappy. Not engaging is a long ways from ongoing yelling or using a sharp tongue or being abusive or damaging objects or threatening. If she's not being abusive, then let her have her feelings and she'll reach out when she's ready to communicate.

Given "she's not speaking to us" : OP sure knows a lot about the 13yo DD's life.

Given she's grumpy at home, she's happy in other places so there isn't underlying misery in her psyche (good thing).
There are lots of comms there so OP isn't failing at all.
Let the comms at home happen on the DD's timetable. Enjoy the good moments whenever they happen. x

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 13:41

TeenLifeMum · 07/12/2025 13:17

She’s 13 and needs to eat with family - non negotiable.

otherwise it’s a breezy “here if you want to talk but I’m not playing your games on your terms” then ignore the nonsense and don’t give in to the drama. It’s hard but do not reinforce this behaviour (I have a 17yo and twins age 14 - one is very dramatic but the other two really easy going. The dramatic one thinks the others are my favourite, which isn’t true but she likes to try to get a rise from me. Certainly did at 13. It’s better now but still creeps in occasionally)

Glad I’m not the only one with a drama llama- she says that we prefer the other two.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 13:46

lljkk · 07/12/2025 13:35

I only read OP's posts.

I'm at a loss for what to do to mend things…
My gut feeling is to give her space to be unhappy. Create a friendly space she can insert some comms into when she's ready. Setting your boundaries is fine, but don't keep going back to that topic if you can avoid it easily.

It's not clear to me that she is being so miserable that she makes others unhappy. Not engaging is a long ways from ongoing yelling or using a sharp tongue or being abusive or damaging objects or threatening. If she's not being abusive, then let her have her feelings and she'll reach out when she's ready to communicate.

Given "she's not speaking to us" : OP sure knows a lot about the 13yo DD's life.

Given she's grumpy at home, she's happy in other places so there isn't underlying misery in her psyche (good thing).
There are lots of comms there so OP isn't failing at all.
Let the comms at home happen on the DD's timetable. Enjoy the good moments whenever they happen. x

Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 07/12/2025 13:56

Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 13:41

Glad I’m not the only one with a drama llama- she says that we prefer the other two.

Show quote history

I play to it. “Who wants to be my favourite child this morning and bring me a coffee?”

dd2: “dd3 is your favourite”
me: “she is this morning, she brought me coffee. It’s all to play for this afternoon though and the dishwasher needs emptying”

very light hearted.

lljkk · 07/12/2025 14:02

yeah, my favourite is always the kid who most recently did or said something nice to me. I can't take the competitiveness more seriously than that.

OSTMusTisNT · 07/12/2025 14:05

I can remember being totally overwhelmed with life at that age and I genuinely wanted left in peace.

Leave her be then act as if nothing happened when she comes round.

SeaToSki · 07/12/2025 14:14

Its always harder parenting when the fireeater is the youngest dc

She is who she is, and your job is a parent is to help her learn how to name, acknowledge and manage her emotions so that she can get on with the people around her. She hopefully will learn to neither people please nor strop to get her way.

It sounds like you have a bit of the people pleaser in you, so dont let that knock you off parenting a dc with a very different psyche.

If you are off work recovering, it might be a good time to read up on parenting a spirited child, look at Enneagram typing and get yourself prepped for this next stage of life coaching/parenting her

Original poster
Ilovedogs10 · 07/12/2025 14:49

SeaToSki · 07/12/2025 14:14

Its always harder parenting when the fireeater is the youngest dc

She is who she is, and your job is a parent is to help her learn how to name, acknowledge and manage her emotions so that she can get on with the people around her. She hopefully will learn to neither people please nor strop to get her way.

It sounds like you have a bit of the people pleaser in you, so dont let that knock you off parenting a dc with a very different psyche.

If you are off work recovering, it might be a good time to read up on parenting a spirited child, look at Enneagram typing and get yourself prepped for this next stage of life coaching/parenting her

I’m 100% a people pleaser I’m afraid! I totally don’t understand the lack of this in my daughter but admire it in her and tell her this! I love her strength of character- just have to work out a way of living with her!
have ordered the book recommended by someone at the beginning of the thread and I’ll have a look into some others.
thank you

OP posts: