What to do about an unmotivated teen

justkeepgoingpeople · 2025-12-06T22:36:18+00:00

i think I already know the answer to this one but interested what others would do. DD13 is infuriating. Super bright. Does the bare minimum work and gets away with it, exam results are always a good pass. She’s not reaching her potential at all. Shes totally fine with it. It’s driving me up the wall. I could resort to nagging, bribing, threatening but I don’t think it would make a difference. She wouldn’t do anymore work. She seems to know what she can get away with. Do I have to just pray that she works out before exams that if she puts a bit of effort in she might achieve more? trying my best to look as serene and unannoyed as possible [wine]

Checknotmymate · 06/12/2025 22:37

I think the goal of getting a better mark isn't sufficient. She needs to be thinking what she needs to do to get to where she wants. So where does she want to go?

This is where part time work in a horrible job was very motivating back in the 90s.

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 06/12/2025 22:45

She wafts through life. I’ve tried to talk to her about goals, where she wants to be, what she wants to do. She says uni. Nothing more precise than that. She can go to a reasonable uni without much effort and that’s fine with her. She’s more than capable of aiming for the top but she can’t be bothered. It’s infuriating.

OP posts:

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2025 22:49

She's 13,step back and let her be.

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 06/12/2025 22:54

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2025 22:49

She's 13,step back and let her be.

This is what I’ve been doing. It has not improved the situation

OP posts:

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2025 22:55

Keep letting her be. She's 13, it'll work itself out.

Balab · 06/12/2025 22:57

Bribery. With cold hard cash.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 06/12/2025 22:57

She’s only 13. School work hasn’t properly ramped up yet. She might not find it so easy to coast when it does or she might. I coasted a lot in school and went on to really fuck up my A levels. Do I regret it? Yes. Did I end up with a really good job eventually? Yes. She has to choose her path. Be interested in her school work, encourage and support revision, kick her ass if she gets a bad report card. Don’t obsess about her potential. When school work gets tougher and they start talking about uni etc. hope that it inspires her. At 13, what you’re doing at 18 will seem like forever away.

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 06/12/2025 22:59

Balab · 06/12/2025 22:57

Bribery. With cold hard cash.

I wish this worked. She doesn’t care

OP posts:

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 06/12/2025 22:59

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 06/12/2025 22:57

She’s only 13. School work hasn’t properly ramped up yet. She might not find it so easy to coast when it does or she might. I coasted a lot in school and went on to really fuck up my A levels. Do I regret it? Yes. Did I end up with a really good job eventually? Yes. She has to choose her path. Be interested in her school work, encourage and support revision, kick her ass if she gets a bad report card. Don’t obsess about her potential. When school work gets tougher and they start talking about uni etc. hope that it inspires her. At 13, what you’re doing at 18 will seem like forever away.

Edited

This doesn’t make me feel any better 😂

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NewOpenWaterSwimmer · 06/12/2025 23:30

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 06/12/2025 22:57

She’s only 13. School work hasn’t properly ramped up yet. She might not find it so easy to coast when it does or she might. I coasted a lot in school and went on to really fuck up my A levels. Do I regret it? Yes. Did I end up with a really good job eventually? Yes. She has to choose her path. Be interested in her school work, encourage and support revision, kick her ass if she gets a bad report card. Don’t obsess about her potential. When school work gets tougher and they start talking about uni etc. hope that it inspires her. At 13, what you’re doing at 18 will seem like forever away.

Edited

Completely agree with this. At some point most DC get a ‘wake up call’. Hopefully it will be soon, it might be GCSEs, A Levels or later in life.

Reward hard work rather than results, support her, listen to her, be interested in what she’s doing. Unless she’s doing something very wrong, getting cross with a teenager rarely has the desired effect. I remember saying to one of mine that I was the cheerleader not the manager - I would support them, find help if they asked for it and I would always have their back but I wasn’t going to stand over them any longer while they did homework. It’s really tough OP but try to take a step back, she’s only 13 and there’s plenty of time.

Pryceosh1987 · 07/12/2025 01:41

Its good to accept that she has good passes at this time. Years 7 to 10 do not matter. Its year 11 that matters. I did quite well at school i was a C grader, but i relaxed when it mattered in year 11. I left school failing all my GCSES.

LunchtimeNaps · 07/12/2025 07:57

This is me and my 11 year old DD. Top set of everything but doesn't make an effort and has checked out of life. Doesn't get on with her sister 9 and falls out with her dad. Apart from yesterday when we do Christmas shopping, bought the tree and wrapped some presents she barely spends time with us as a family either. I'm at a loss so I feel your pain

mumonthehill · 07/12/2025 08:02

I think it is very frustrating for us when we feel dc are not reaching their potential but she is still young and has time really. What I will say is that too much pressure can be a negative thing and make them do less so I would back off for now. Ultimately all she needs to do is get the grades at gcse to do the a levels she wants and then get the a level grades to go to the uni she wants and these may not need to be straight A's.

YellowCherry · 07/12/2025 08:05

My DS was like this. He did hardly any work for his GCSEs, or for A levels until literally the last couple of months of year 13. Then he suddenly started working really hard, got good grades and is now studying at a top 5 university. Hopefully the same will happen for your DD. I know it's stressful for you though!

outofofficeagain · 07/12/2025 08:06

She’s 13. Of course she’s wafting through life.

In a honesty, if she is super bright, she’ll be fine. Lots of DS’s friends did the bare minimum and then it gets real in year 11 and they all knuckle down.

It’s not linear. Also know loads of bright kids who consistently worked hard and put themselves under so much pressure they pretty much had a breakdown.

Leave her be.

outofofficeagain · 07/12/2025 08:10

Balab · 06/12/2025 22:57

Bribery. With cold hard cash.

This year DS got a great set of grades and we gave him no cash reward.

Lots of his friends for hundreds of pounds but (for worse results) and I don’t think it made the slightest difference to the work they did.

The grades are the reward. All bribery does is put additional pressure on by making it clear to them what’s important to you. It’s the wrong message.

What do you think she should be pushing herself to do?

JetFlight · 07/12/2025 08:10

Does she care if people start doing better than her? Things might change when she no longer has the ability to coast along and still do well.

WhamBhamThankYouMham · 07/12/2025 08:15

You're describing my daughter who is now 16. I don't have any advice really. By some miracle she did decide about 6 weeks before her GCSEs that she should probably apply herself a bit so managed to get all 7-9s. Very frustrating as she is easily a straight 9s candidate but she just doesn’t care enough. Eg. She did no maths revision at all and got a very high 9 🙄

I have to look on the bright side and recognise that where lots of my friends are hugely worried about their perfectionist workaholic daughters who are highly strung and anxiety ridden that is definitely not something I have to worry about. And that, even at this stage (3 years on from you), I really do believe she'll find her groove at some point. She is also a very, very lovely character who literally everybody responds so positively to (and her lack of ambition/pushyness is probably a big part of that!) that that will probably stand her in much better stead in life than academics anyway!

I have an older very academically motivated son and I'm not sure that's any easier to manage so maybe that helps my outlook too.

Anyway, not sure I'm helping much but at least you know youre not alone. The only thing that ever seems to have any type of effect is humour about it all - I make the odd gently sarcastic comment about how odd it is that someone who "is just not that clever so what's the point" (one of her regular comments) has managed to get x mark in a test or get some kind of academic praise from a teacher. She does have the good grace to laugh at herself often. And I also think she is quite scared on some level of trying in case she doesnt do as well as I/her teachers think she should be able to - so it's easier to "not care".

It's complex. But like most things with teenagers, there's very little you can actually "do" - I like what a PP said about being their cheerleader not their manager. I think that is spot on.

Good luck and know that, in all likelihood, she'll probably be fine

EndorsingPRActice · 07/12/2025 09:02

My DS was much the same. He was never in trouble at school, always did the minimum required and coasted along. He passed his GCSEs easily enough with a little revision but got 5-8s, with an emphasis on 5s rather than what he could have got. He slowly improved after that, though tbh he is only now at 23 applying himself fully. He got a really good degree from what used to be called a Russell group uni and is now doing a MBA. I don’t think he regrets it, he always did enough to get onto the next rung, but I do empathise with your frustration OP because it’s really hard sitting back and watching them not fulfill their potential. I would reinforce messages that good results get you where you want to be more quickly and with less pain and that you need to do enough work to move to a levels, uni etc. But the most motivating thing my DCs have done was part time minimum wage hospitality jobs which made them realise what doing nothing led to.

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 07/12/2025 09:32

It is frustrating. Half of me thinks she needs a major fail early on for the ´wake up call’ but I wouldn’t wish that on her so it’s a case of jollying her along and trying not to lose my sanity. I know she’s capable of a suite of 9s at GCSE, I know she knows she can just turn up and be handed 7s. No carrot will do it. She has to find that internal motivation. I’m worried if I’m the constant motivator that she’ll get through school but then at uni when I’m not there and it does matter she’ll just flake out completely.
gahhh!

OP posts:

MsWilmottsGhost · 07/12/2025 09:53

justkeepgoingpeople · 07/12/2025 09:32

It is frustrating. Half of me thinks she needs a major fail early on for the ´wake up call’ but I wouldn’t wish that on her so it’s a case of jollying her along and trying not to lose my sanity. I know she’s capable of a suite of 9s at GCSE, I know she knows she can just turn up and be handed 7s. No carrot will do it. She has to find that internal motivation. I’m worried if I’m the constant motivator that she’ll get through school but then at uni when I’m not there and it does matter she’ll just flake out completely.
gahhh!

You say you're letting her be, but your frustration with her just oozes from your posts. Do you really think she isn't aware of your feelings?

I had a really pushy parent who always felt I should be trying harder. She still does in fact. I'm now in my 50s and have achieved far more than she ever did, but she still isn't satisfied. It took years (and therapy) to understand its a her problem, not a me problem. I also notice she does not have the same attitude towards my brothers..

My own DD is also 13. She has GCSE options this year and is making choices that are not the choices that I would make for her, but is it not my life it is hers. It is more important to me that she is confident to make her own decisions, and is happy and enjoying school now.

I don't want her to go through half of her life feeling like she is always wrong like I did. So many kids have mental health issues right now, there is so much pressure to get it right now or your life will be ruined forever.

What you are trying to achieve? You say you want her to fail? Why??

Hercisback1 · 07/12/2025 12:22

Seriously, leave her alone and let her fail. Like you say, better now than at university.

PPs have explained what it's like to never feel good enough for your parents. She is enough just as she is.

Original poster

justkeepgoingpeople · 07/12/2025 14:15

MsWilmottsGhost · 07/12/2025 09:53

You say you're letting her be, but your frustration with her just oozes from your posts. Do you really think she isn't aware of your feelings?

I had a really pushy parent who always felt I should be trying harder. She still does in fact. I'm now in my 50s and have achieved far more than she ever did, but she still isn't satisfied. It took years (and therapy) to understand its a her problem, not a me problem. I also notice she does not have the same attitude towards my brothers..

My own DD is also 13. She has GCSE options this year and is making choices that are not the choices that I would make for her, but is it not my life it is hers. It is more important to me that she is confident to make her own decisions, and is happy and enjoying school now.

I don't want her to go through half of her life feeling like she is always wrong like I did. So many kids have mental health issues right now, there is so much pressure to get it right now or your life will be ruined forever.

What you are trying to achieve? You say you want her to fail? Why??

Show quote history

I literally said the opposite of this…

OP posts:

AngelaTheBaker · 07/12/2025 14:28

Is she specifically unmotivated to do schoolwork to her full potential? Or is she unmotivated in other areas of her life too? How does she fill her time?

If she spends time with friends, does a bunch of clubs, plays an instrument, performs in drama/dance shows, has artistic, creative, or tech based hobbies then definitely stop stressing. If you think she can get 7s without trying and then because of her non school activities she is also well rounded, confident at public speaking, outgoing, capable of speaking articulatly to adults, resporceful, independent, interesting and interested in others, then she'll do a lot better in life than a person with 9s and lacking in all other skills. Don't ask me how I know! 🙃

muddyford · 07/12/2025 14:33

A friend's son is like this. Not getting his required grade at GCSE, to enable him to go on to study his chosen subject, seems to have made him buck his ideas up. Friend said he was old enough to understand the consequences.