Difficult 19 year old son

[losenotloose]

I'm so upset. We've had such a hard time with ds1 since he was about 15, he became heavily addicted to weed, did badly in a levels after doing amazing in GCSEs, spent about a year in his room getting high and hardly seeing anyone etc. We've had periods where we were genuinely scared about his mental health (paranoid). After getting nowhere trying to get him to quit weed, we suggested a job where you have to be drug tested and he did it! He hasn't smoked since last December. However, he quit the job after 2 months because he hated it. Since then, he is struggling to find work. He has improved but is still difficult to live with in ways. Won't cook, barely helps around the house. We try but honestly he is so unbelievably argumentative and selfish.

Please go easy on me, I regularly feel at breaking point with him so really need kind words. I'd like opinions on if we're being unreasonable at all. Me and dh work Monday -friday. Ds1 is intolerant of noise when he's sleeping. At the weekend, he expects us to stay quiet until he wakes up (after 12pm) which means no house work and generally creeping around. We told him that 12pm is the limit as it's not fair on us. He thinks this is unreasonable and we should just wait until he wakes up. This can cause major arguments as when we start making noise after 12, he kicks off. I feel like I'm being held hostage in my own house and want him to move out.

Op, you are enabling him. For his own sake you need to kick him out. The longer you wait on him and facilitate his laziness, the longer he has to embed these habits and become unemployable. Give him a date and say you need him out by then, something like March.

He lives in your house. He can move out if he doesn’t like the rules.
He isn’t a baby.

I know he is your son but find it hard to believe you are allowing him to rule your life like this.

It's easier said than done! I would say the same but he's not even working at the moment. As soon as he gets a job we will make him leave, I'll pay the deposit for rent if I have to. I'm so upset that he's like this, I feel like a failure. He really thinks he's in the right, today even today telling us we should apologise for making noise

Believe me, I would be saying the same. I don't know what we're supposed to do. At the weekend, we started making noise after 12 and he was fuming. It's insane. He cannot see how unreasonable he is being

He sounds like so many young people who have something going on making life difficult for them and them in turn difficult to accommodate and live with. I'm talking about those of us who have Autistic/ADHD kids.

Is he diagnosed with any of the above? It won't solve problems right now today, but understanding, having a diagnosis is the start and will be there in the future to use for support in work / benefits/ housing.

Creeping about until 12 is so unfair on you all and way too much enabling. Even though I understand why you're doing it.

I'd be saying you're willing to try help him but he needs to agree to an assessment ( can you afford to pay?), he needs to consider trying meds if he's diagnosed) ADHD meds or anti anxiety meds).If he does none of this then I understand why you may feel that eviction is the only option.

He doesn’t have ADHD, he’s a lazy entitled young man who has had everything handed to him on a plate. My brother was the same, and worse actually. Dad gave him a deadline to leave. I was convinced he would spend his days smoking weed and committing petty crimes. He now has a well paid professional job (been in it 5 years) and his own flat and car. He’s nicer now. We get along.

@Ticklyoctopusthat's good to hear, there's hope for us yet. I don't know where we've gone wrong

When parents can't understand where they've gone wrong and try everything, that's another sign as far as I'm concerned. That this is beyond you and something else is happening.

It's worth 🤔 about whether this could be what's going on here. He coukd also be a lazy little bugger but the post reveals more is going on.

@Evergreen505I have thought about it but realistically how will an ADHD diagnosis help him?! He still has to learn how to get along with people, work etc. it wasn't brought up throughout the whole of his schooling either, was never in much trouble (just talking too much)

What I mean is if he does have ADHD, it's at the mild end

Stop tip toeing around him. Live your life how you want in YOUR house. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave.

If he kicks off, a few home truths are needed. I’d be spelling out to him that he’s now an adult and living in your house so he either lives by your rules or finds somewhere else to live.

Stop enabling him and letting him control everything.

I'd say it's essential to know who you are, to understand why the struggles in ones life are so great in so many ways. ND people turn on themselves often for not being what's expected by society. Knowing you're ND and simply have differences that make this society hard to function in is huge for ones emotional well being.

Your son reminds me of things I see in some high functioning Autistic boys. Not seeing how he's wrong or understanding your perspective is a huge sign.

Medication might be a god send here. ADHD meds or an anti anxiety medication is often suggested to help.

If his functioning is so difficult he can't work - he'll be stuffed without proof. I'd be looking at this assesment as a priority if you can afford it.

Well you are not able to diagnose him, and neither are we, so if you think he might have neurodivergence then you should help him get a diagnosis.

We can't afford it but also he's not interested. I have suggested to him he might have ADHD and he says even if I have, so what? He had a job for a couple of months, managed fine with everything he just hated it because it was a lonely job

In your opinion and perspective it's mild. That does not mean his struggles and challenges are mild.

Smoking weed and then other drugs and alcohol are often used to self medicate. Things really can get worse if someone is trying to pretend to fit in for so long. Mental health break downs can happen into adulthood.

School will do bugger all if someone is getting by ok. They notoriously overlook ND pupils because they don't have the resources to assess and truly accommodate them. So if someone is not causing too much trouble, school will say nothing.

You know your son is different. I can tell by the posts. Help the lad get assessed and it will help you down the line if he needs to live independently and separately outside the home.

If he won't engage then you can't do much other than say do this or get out. Or you put up with it.

They're not great choices. But those are your choices. It's tough to handle and I really feel for your struggles.

What so he can just claim PIP and still not work?

I don't know what help he might get. But being Autistic and ADHD can be absolutely disabling. It's so unfair to expect people in this position to fulfil our current societal expectations with no acknowledgement or support.

The first step is KNOWING. So once you know and he's diagnosed with whatever is relevant - this is the best start.

The posts here sound almost automated but I know I'll be reprimanded for saying this so......😬

I know this will be an unpopular opinion, but I believe there is an over diagnosis of ADHD. I work in a school so totally believe it exists by the way, I've worked with children who have it. But as an example my brother was recently diagnosed at the age of 35. He's got a wife, owns a home, has a degree and a great job. What is the point of this diagnosis?!

And as I've said, my ds doesn't want to pursue a diagnosis even when I suggested it. Who knows as he gets older

I feel I'm held hostage ,having to get 18 year old son up for work. I've had to change my hours at work and feel I can't even go out overnight as if he loses his job then what would he do with a handful of gcse 's . I even set two alarms for him.
He has and still smokes weed and has self harmed ,I've gone from yelling and sheer frustration to the soft it softly approach and we have our first counselling session this week. I'm sending empathy op

So sorry to hear you're going through something similar @Inlimboin50s

My DS quit college and is now home in his bedroom all day. He doesn’t ever leave the house, sleeps til about 2pm, has lost contact with all his friends and stays up all night watching you tube. I find it so hard and upsetting as was a lovely boy and he is very challenging now. He does have an autism diagnosis which we got when he was about 15 but he rejected it and to be honest I’m not sure what it would have done to help/made a difference. I feel for you OP.

You are a hostage. He is a jailer.

Get the hoover out. If he wakes up, he’ll be the better for it.