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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Almost 17 Y/O son spat at me

43 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 03/11/2025 13:54

He came to stay for the weekend. It was agreed with the placement. Everything went well, I really enjoyed the weekend with him until he had to leave. He'd sold something on my ebay account and demanded the money back. I told him that the care home manager told me that he can't have a bank account for anything other than savings yet nor can he have cash used unmonitored (yes- I've considered that he's buying illegal substances but I'm almost certainly sure that this isn't what he's doing, they think the same).

He spat on me three times. He tore two of my books of our faith, one belonged to my late sister. He knows this. He told me he hated my people and faith, that I'm a whore ect ect and that he's not leaving without his money. He said I was lucky that he hadn't slapped me and broke my plant pot.

One of the staff at his placement came, and he willingly went with her But I was seriously scared, I have a younger daughter in the house, she saw how my ex husband used to treat me and I'm scared that my son will remind her of him. He was doing good there. He started college recently but is now saying he's dropping out today. Theyve called me this morning telling me he isn't speaking or responding to anything they're saying. Usually they give me more detail but theres none here.

We are in family therapy and we've had rough patches that we're healing. Last month he implied that he may have been sexually abused as a child (I was fully unaware) and that he has nightmares over that- not just the disagreements in our relationship. He's had referrals and he was arrested a few months ago for hate speech but this is the first time he has gone back to his previous behaviour. I imagine him as a man and I don't think he'll be anything other than an abuser like my exhusband. I'm not sure where I went so wrong.

OP posts:
atmywitsend1989 · 03/11/2025 13:58

Ive made some posts here before and I remember some really nasty comments. Before claiming that I'm abusive please consider that he's recently talked about experiencing the other abuse that had nothing to do with me which is why I mentioned this recent development. He has had anger issues longterm at this point. if you've never parented a teen like this you have NO idea what this is like

OP posts:
wp65 · 03/11/2025 21:11

I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly difficult. I’m bumping for you in case anyone with similar experience can contribute.

Anditstartedagain · 04/11/2025 00:08

How did he access your ebay account?

Lavender14 · 04/11/2025 00:15

Anditstartedagain · 04/11/2025 00:08

How did he access your ebay account?

I think this is worth exploring and maybe working with his SW or care providers to look at new boundaries and strategies around contact.

Op I'd also just say that traumatised children often will lash out when things are going 'too well' because that feels unsafe. What he's done is repeated the cycle of violence in your home as a trauma response to what had been a nice visit and my guess is that's because he couldn't regulate and he's done this subconsciously.

If you have a younger child in the house then you need to think about her safety first and foremost so there maybe needs to be a different location for contact moving forwards. How long has he been living in the care provision?

Try not to beat yourself up, he's in significant pain and is a victim in all of this as well even though he's lashing out. I really hope he gets the support he needs and things turn around for him - I've seen it happen but it is really difficult. All you can do is hold your boundaries, be honest, be loving and be consistent. He needs specialist support around the abuse and regulating his emotions.

Edwinstarrihavefaithinyou · 04/11/2025 00:36

I think I remember previous threads you've written.
Your daughter needs to come first and also you don't deserve that abuse.
You've tried so hard to help him.
I hope he comes through it but what he's done would be tough to reconcile with.

atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 02:07

I love him but my daughter is 100% my priority right now.

OP posts:
atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 02:11

Edwinstarrihavefaithinyou · 04/11/2025 00:36

I think I remember previous threads you've written.
Your daughter needs to come first and also you don't deserve that abuse.
You've tried so hard to help him.
I hope he comes through it but what he's done would be tough to reconcile with.

I feel as if he's been abusing me for far too long. Not as overt as today but still in other ways and manipulation. I'm seriously considering asking if it's possible for them to assess him for NPD or ASPD

OP posts:
atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 02:13

Anditstartedagain · 04/11/2025 00:08

How did he access your ebay account?

I gave him the login details A few months ago. I mentioned that he can sell things as long as he tells me what he's buying with the money. I. Never said I'd be giving him the cash

He doesn't have a job. Sometimes I wonder if I should be treating him like a man now that he's almost an adult

OP posts:
Anditstartedagain · 04/11/2025 07:14

Why did you tell him some thing different to what the care home staff say? Or is the not being allowed cash new since you gave him your ebay log in details, in which case why didn’t you change your password?

Judgejudysno1fan · 04/11/2025 07:21

Can I ask, please, why is your faith and not his faith too? Can you use examples if your religion to talk to him?

Sorry to hear youre going through this.
A child should not be spitting at the mother and damaging special books. And imagine saying youre lucky he didn't slap you. What a cheek! Can your dad talk to him, or even frighten him with calling the police?

Judgejudysno1fan · 04/11/2025 07:22

atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 02:11

I feel as if he's been abusing me for far too long. Not as overt as today but still in other ways and manipulation. I'm seriously considering asking if it's possible for them to assess him for NPD or ASPD

Sounds like he needs a big help. And support for the s abuse too.
💐

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 07:24

Judgejudysno1fan · 04/11/2025 07:21

Can I ask, please, why is your faith and not his faith too? Can you use examples if your religion to talk to him?

Sorry to hear youre going through this.
A child should not be spitting at the mother and damaging special books. And imagine saying youre lucky he didn't slap you. What a cheek! Can your dad talk to him, or even frighten him with calling the police?

I am guessing he's rejected her faith because she used it to abuse him and reject him for his sexual orientation. I don't think bringing in examples of her religion to talk to him would help under the circumstances.

zazazaaar · 04/11/2025 07:27

He isn't almost an adult he is 15.

Judgejudysno1fan · 04/11/2025 08:49

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 07:24

I am guessing he's rejected her faith because she used it to abuse him and reject him for his sexual orientation. I don't think bringing in examples of her religion to talk to him would help under the circumstances.

Wow, that's a big conclusion. When did the op say her son was gay and wasn't a christian/muslim/Buddhist/Hindu any longer? And used that to damage him?

I agree there's two sides to every story but that's a big assumption, friend

childofthe607080s · 04/11/2025 08:56

16 year old lad is still a child and clearly has a lot of troubles

at that age they can be big and powerful which makes things very scary

i however find your phrasing - that he has abused you in the past odd- I think it’s because I see abuse as intentional and requires an adult understanding of- if you had said he had been violent as a younger child it would read easier for me

how do you view it?

I can also see how hard it is for an almost adult to not be trusted with money / cash that is technically his money - especially when you insist no substance abuse. Are theee other ways the child is infantilised ? That can also affect how they behave and react - treat like a toddler they will act like a toddler

what type of placement care is he in? It’s quite hard to obtain - i am asking specifically is it a religious organisation?

BluntPlumHam · 04/11/2025 09:02

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 07:24

I am guessing he's rejected her faith because she used it to abuse him and reject him for his sexual orientation. I don't think bringing in examples of her religion to talk to him would help under the circumstances.

How on earth did you come to that conclusion? Op has come for helpful advise not for people to make her feel worse over what is already a traumatic and difficult circumstance.

OP, what was his childhood like? For 16 that’s a lot of anger and resentment. Sometimes as parents we need to take accountability for where we may have gone wrong.

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 09:09

Judgejudysno1fan · 04/11/2025 08:49

Wow, that's a big conclusion. When did the op say her son was gay and wasn't a christian/muslim/Buddhist/Hindu any longer? And used that to damage him?

I agree there's two sides to every story but that's a big assumption, friend

Previous threads. I'm not making it up!

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 09:12

BluntPlumHam · 04/11/2025 09:02

How on earth did you come to that conclusion? Op has come for helpful advise not for people to make her feel worse over what is already a traumatic and difficult circumstance.

OP, what was his childhood like? For 16 that’s a lot of anger and resentment. Sometimes as parents we need to take accountability for where we may have gone wrong.

It's in OP's previous threads. IIRC the boy is in care because OP kicked him out over this issue.

Anditstartedagain · 04/11/2025 09:23

BluntPlumHam · 04/11/2025 09:02

How on earth did you come to that conclusion? Op has come for helpful advise not for people to make her feel worse over what is already a traumatic and difficult circumstance.

OP, what was his childhood like? For 16 that’s a lot of anger and resentment. Sometimes as parents we need to take accountability for where we may have gone wrong.

If it’s who I am thinking of the OP is regular poster who does the opposite of the advice of professional involved with her son and wonders why things aren’t getting better.

atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 14:31

TheBlueHotel · 04/11/2025 09:12

It's in OP's previous threads. IIRC the boy is in care because OP kicked him out over this issue.

I didnt kick him out over his sexuality. I didn't kick him out at all. If I did he'd have been on the streets. He wasn't.

OP posts:
atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 16:59

An update. They've rung to say that he really hasn't been attending college these last 2 days and has done fuck all around the house/placement. He's still playing victim and has only asked about his money. I thought he'd feel guilt for his actions and abuse for once

🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 04/11/2025 17:03

atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 16:59

An update. They've rung to say that he really hasn't been attending college these last 2 days and has done fuck all around the house/placement. He's still playing victim and has only asked about his money. I thought he'd feel guilt for his actions and abuse for once

🤦‍♀️

He's a 16 year old child, your child, who is a product of the situation he's been raised in. He's not "playing victim". Do you feel you're the victim here? You need to take accountability for your actions before you look to a child to do the same.

atmywitsend1989 · 04/11/2025 17:07

He spat on me and destroyed my property. He's almost an adult. If he calmly expressed his anger and asked me tonspeak to his social worker about money and the possibility of him being able to access more without as much supervision then that'd be one thing. He blew things massively out of proportion and disrespected me. I'm sorry but there's no excuse for that, he's fully competent and aware of his behaviour he isn't disabled

OP posts:
childofthe607080s · 04/11/2025 17:32

He is a child who for whatever reason no longer lives with you - he is hardly going to behave like a calm and rational adult - he is badly hurting. Possibly been abused. And you can’t stand him.

Yellowhollyhocks · 04/11/2025 18:10

Is this abusive/ volatile temprement inherited from his father?

In any case, a lot of people on here are adamant that it must be a woman's fault. People love to taunt mothers for not loving their abusive sons and insist any problems with the son were caused by the mother and she must also fix it.

So sexist and so bad for women.

Look after yourself, OP. There is only so much you can do.