Almost 17 Y/O son spat at me

[atmywitsend1989]

He came to stay for the weekend. It was agreed with the placement. Everything went well, I really enjoyed the weekend with him until he had to leave. He'd sold something on my ebay account and demanded the money back. I told him that the care home manager told me that he can't have a bank account for anything other than savings yet nor can he have cash used unmonitored (yes- I've considered that he's buying illegal substances but I'm almost certainly sure that this isn't what he's doing, they think the same).

He spat on me three times. He tore two of my books of our faith, one belonged to my late sister. He knows this. He told me he hated my people and faith, that I'm a whore ect ect and that he's not leaving without his money. He said I was lucky that he hadn't slapped me and broke my plant pot.

One of the staff at his placement came, and he willingly went with her But I was seriously scared, I have a younger daughter in the house, she saw how my ex husband used to treat me and I'm scared that my son will remind her of him. He was doing good there. He started college recently but is now saying he's dropping out today. Theyve called me this morning telling me he isn't speaking or responding to anything they're saying. Usually they give me more detail but theres none here.

We are in family therapy and we've had rough patches that we're healing. Last month he implied that he may have been sexually abused as a child (I was fully unaware) and that he has nightmares over that- not just the disagreements in our relationship. He's had referrals and he was arrested a few months ago for hate speech but this is the first time he has gone back to his previous behaviour. I imagine him as a man and I don't think he'll be anything other than an abuser like my exhusband. I'm not sure where I went so wrong.

Sorry just saw this one now. He's had multiple prevent referrals for making strong remarks about our faith and members of our community. I'm not sure if mentioning our religion will help

My dad has passed 😔 the only other option is one of my brothers speaking some sense into him (my exhusband and other brother can't as there's been some recent accusations and former violence). I held my cool this time but I've called the police before. If it escalates again I'll consider it

what is his issue with your religion? Is it that his sexuality isn't accepted by the religion like a PP mentioned? Because that feels like an important detail

I'm not sure. He's rejected it for a few years and says that it's false Ect. I've tried to get SS to at least connect him to the community but he's hostile towards anyone of our religion. I've previously put him in faith based therapy, the counsellor really understood his predicament with who he felt like he was (& he's been in therapy via CAMHS) but he has been subjected to bullying by a small portionnof the community for his views on our faith and his sexuality. There are 100% people in my circle who don't hate him and wouldn't reject him fully based on who he is attracted to and he knows this

I'm concerned that he's falling for extremist radicalisation or reform propaganda thathe's looking at. Now thinking about it he mentions a lot of their talking points in regards to our faith. In an ideal situation i hope hed be open to speaking to a leader from his old madrassah again because he used to enjoy attending before he was a teenager.. sometimes it feels like he's been miserable since rejecting me and my faith

Mentioning your religion probably won't help. A lot of people are unfortunately against islam and dont understand it. Ripping pages out of the Quran really is sad. Sorry about that.

I understand you had to get him out and out in care as a woman on her own facing a violent teen isn't easy.

Thank you xx

I wish they'd at least try to reconnect him to the faith but SS won't listen. In a way I am glad that he has been referred to Prevent to stop his hate at the very least

Also just seen this one now. I believe so. No professional will listen when I say that I think he's inherited NPD and ASPD traits.

DS is also displaying misogynistic traits. I once said I wanted to watch adolescence with him as a teaching moment and everyone attacked me for being abused by ex husband/making mistakes with my son. Its victim blaming.

I think that as a parent if you're uanble to accept that you have probably made numerous mistakes with your child, whether they're in care or not, there is an issue there.

In your shoes I would probably spend less time working out what traits he's inherited from his other parent, and work on what you can affect going forward, which is your part in your relationship with him. Looking to your own child to accept responsibility for the fact that he's in care at 16 seems incredibly short sighted, and lacking in empathy.

Why would social services try to encourage a teenager who doesn't want to have anything to do with a religion with that religion? What a strange thing to expect. He's 16, he's old enough to choose his own religion and have that respected. Social workers banging on about his parents' religion and trying to get him to connect with it would be totally inappropriate.

Honestly from the very little you have written on here @atmywitsend1989 I would be very concerned for you. I think that is where you ought to focus your energy, you seem to have extremely deep seated long standing issues with your son.

Your son is extremely damaged from his upbringing and trauma he experienced but I don’t think you are in the right place or even the right person to help him deal with that.

He needs things you don’t appear to have the capacity as his mother to give him because of your own difficulties.

It sounds incredibly sad and difficult for you both.

Not forcing . Just would prefer if they gave him the option to explore our religion if he ever shows interest in the future. I want to clarify that im not against him changing beliefs. He's going to be celebrating Christmas at his placement and I'm 100% fine with that as the tree wont be in my home. But id like for them to still mention that he could also celebrate eid later when the time comes or that he can speak to someone about faith ect

Why would you think he doesn't have the option to explore any religion he wants? He absolutely does. But he won't be 'encouraged' in any direction, that would be inappropriate.

I'm just worried that SS will not acknowledge cultural context and not reminding him that he can connect to a third party about faith. Just as how they asked if he wants to celebrate Christmas or if he wants to join a support group for gay teenagers (which he strongly rejected.. yet I've been told they keep bringing it up to him)

A support group for gay teenagers sounds like something that would help.
he probably rejected it because he is struggling with his identity and feels some kind of internalised shame about his sexuality due to it being against the religion he was raised in. Are you accepting of his sexuality and also his choice not to be part of your faith? these are all such difficult and heavy issues for a teenage boy I'm not suprised he is struggling.

Very true. I appreciate its your faith, Op and its important to you. The last thing the social services do would hammer on to him about reconnecting back to his faith. If he wishes to come back to islam, he may very well do in the future. But now, hes having a rough time hes in care and hes got a lot of emotions and anger and resentment and issued with his sexuality.the social worker /care workers will be focusing on that, not helping him reconnecting with the Quran.

So he’s 16… and he’s been physically and now possibly sexually abused by his dad and uncle, he has realised he has same sex attraction and members of his parents religion have bullied him and ostracised him for that and his mother has had him taken into care. Then, when he is getting some help his mother is angry that he is not being told to speak to members of her congregation instead of group therapy and won’t give him his money without a reasonable explanation of why.

That would be a lot for anyone to handle. He likely feels rejected, abandoned, isolated, bullied, hated… poor kid

You previously told him he could sell things on eBay provided he tells you what he is doing with the money, but now you are withholding the money from him. Have you held the money in an account for him? Have you indicated to him when he will be able to access it or have you just taken it?

I would expect any teenager to do some angry shouting about this situation, but your son has experienced significant trauma so his reactions will be bigger and more uncontrollable. He shouldn't have spat at you or destroyed your property certainly, but you are the parent here. You need to apologize for the misunderstanding over the eBay cash, and you need to agree with social services what the best plan is regarding access to the money, whether that's giving it to him now or putting it in savings for him. He feels powerless at the moment because something he perceives as unfair has happened to him and he can't put it right. Any child would be sad and angry. A traumatized child is going to have extreme upset over something like this.

Ive cancelled the order recently so I've not stolen his money. He now knows this as I rang his placement and told them to inform him of this if he asks

I've considered that and I appreciate the input. He is very loudly anti LGBT despite his previous declaration and his possible development with another boy (SS aren't giving me details on this), while not the main focus of his extremism prevent noted this too.

I tell him that I don't care and will still love him whether or not he chooses a boy or a girl. I'm sad that he doesn't feel like he's a part of our faith but by no means am I going to force him & he knows I don't have an issue with atheism and Christianity.