16 year old son has left home to go and live with his dad who lives 2.5 hours away

[emmabajay79]

I’m absolutely heartbroken.
my son recently completed his GCSEs, he sailed through school and has never been any trouble. Since leaving school he changed dramatically and so did our relationship. Anyway last week whilst I was at work his dad turned up and literally emptied his bedroom. Without my consent or knowledge. He’s refusing to communicate with me.
I’ve had a couple of texts from my son and 2 very brief conversations. He said he loves me and his sister. But other than that didn’t say anything.
I’m struggling to function or leave the house. Help. 😥

Oh that's really tough. How long is it since his dad was living with you?

14 years x

That must be heartbreaking, without any warning too. You mention he changed dramatically after leaving school, what happened?

Could it be no rules at his Dad's?

Or he's in bother in home area you don't know about.

How old is his sister? Are they full sibs?

Almost 10. Half x

Is your dd’s father living with you ?

Don't fret too much. He'll soon realise it's not all sunshine and rainbows at his dad's, and he'll ask to come back. He's not only left his home and family, but all his mates as well. My son, now in his forties, still boomerangs back regularly.

This, how is the relationship between ds and dd/dh?

Gosh no, he met someone online and moved over 2 hours away when DS was 2

Post edited by MNHQ

@Dillydollydingdong
Maybe it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows in his mother’s house.

Is his father responsible, employed/solvent and supportive of his son? Some young men really need a male role model to help them grow and thrive.

It's upsetting for you right now, but it may be a positive move for him. Maybe he realised it would upset you and couldn't face talking about it. It can hurt when you've put in the graft to get him through childhood.

I know someone who did this at a similar age, moving five hours away from his mother. His father and father's family supported him to gain life-guarding qualifications/p-time job whilst studying at college and then to gain an apprenticeship. He's now completed the apprenticeship, is a grounded, responsible and mature young man and has re-connected with his mother.

Depending on his father's situation and commitment to his son, it could be a good move for your son at this time of his life.

You haven't said whether your DD's dad still lives with you.
Is it possible that he has been making your DS uncomfortable since he has left school.

No, I’m a single parent. I split up with my daughter’s dad in Sept 23

My son has a strong loving relationship with his sister

I can totally understand how upsetting this must be for you, i would find it incredibly hard to deal with but I think you’ve offered some have to make it clear that he’s welcome to come and stay or visit at any time and that you’re willing to come and take him out for lunch or whatever he fancies.

I’m so sorry. That sounds like absolute agony. All you can do is let him know that you love him and you’ll always be happy to see him. Rather than trying to persuade him to come home permanently, it might help to tell him that you’re respectful of his decisions but you miss him and would love to see him sometime. The most important thing is to keep communicating - maybe you could get some lunch, or maybe he’ll come home for a visit. You’re his mum. He loves you and this needs to be about maintaining your relationship because that’s something you can influence.

I’m still really struggling, as anyone else been in this position?

Yes, I knew somebody who did a similar thing (although his parents lived an hour apart rather than 2.5).

His move was planned but happened after GCSE. He had no memories of ever living with his dad and had turned him into some kind of superhero fantasy dad in his head. He needed to live with him to turn him into an ordinary human with strengths and weaknesses.

The mum was 100% supportive (even though she missed him terribly). She recognised that she'd had 90% of his time up until that point and the son needed input from his dad to finish growing up.

Many years later, the son is close to both parents but there is no question that the dad has lost his 'superhero' status which was really important because reality is important! The son couldn't have an adult relationship with a fantasy; it was important to come to terms with the real thing.

My advice to you is to swallow your hurt and if you feel rejected, remind yourself that it isn't about you (because it almost certainly isn't, from the son's perspective). And give your son full support and encouragement.

I bet he will be back.

Has he still not given any indication for why he wanted to move? Have you talked to his dad?

The person I knew never did move back in with his mum but I can see that it was the right thing for him to do.

This is the best advice op

i think what hurts so much is the secrecy. Next time you see your son, bond with him, but let him know he could have told you and been honest with you about wanting to move, you wouldn’t have stopped him and the shock that he’d secretly fled was upsetting.

how is his dad planning to meet his educational needs, has he signed him up to college or apprenticeship locally or is your son now NEET? I would ask this.
prepare yourself for contact from the child maintenance service soon, dads payments will stop and if you’re not on UC you’ll have to pay him.

don’t be ‘needy’ to your son when you speak with him as it’ll put him off coming if he thinks you’ll be crying and guilt tripping.

I would suggest that you and sister drive up and take him out for lunch locally this weekend /bring him anything from home that he needs and see how he responds? Have a chilled out and nice time. Remind him he’s always welcome back and you love him.

Ps he was likely going to move out at uni anyway, this is just a shocking sudden start that you weren’t prepared for.