16 year old son has left home to go and live with his dad who lives 2.5 hours away

[emmabajay79]

I’m absolutely heartbroken.
my son recently completed his GCSEs, he sailed through school and has never been any trouble. Since leaving school he changed dramatically and so did our relationship. Anyway last week whilst I was at work his dad turned up and literally emptied his bedroom. Without my consent or knowledge. He’s refusing to communicate with me.
I’ve had a couple of texts from my son and 2 very brief conversations. He said he loves me and his sister. But other than that didn’t say anything.
I’m struggling to function or leave the house. Help. 😥

My DS moved in with his Dad at 17. He Dad lived in a very rural location and his Dad promised him he'd drive him back to see friends. At home he was attending college, had to do homework, had limits on gaming time but was free to spend time with his friends. I thought he would want to visit me but he just never came. I rang him and he sounded miserable. I only found out he had dropped out of college 6 weeks after it had happened. I saw a couple of his friends in town and they said they had not seen him for ages but he often was on games with them. I didn't know his exact address. I paid a person to sit in their car and when exh drove by to follow him. They then told me address. I went following day when I knew exh would be at work. DS opened the door and he looked absolutely terrible. At his Dad's there were no rules. He had been staying up most of the night gaming. There was hardly no food in their fridge. I asked him if this was how he wanted to live? Or did he want to come home, have a shower and a meal and we start again. I told him if he came home he would either go back into education or get a job. He cried and told me he was on antidepressant tablets. He came home with me. DH went around to collect his stuff back. We helped him sign up to a job agency and he started working. The gaming all night stopped because he had to get up for work in the morning. He liked working and earning his own money. Within 2 months he was off the antidepressants and back seeing his friends again. I dread to think what have become of him if I didn't find him and bring him home. Now he's an adult and he's told me a couple of times I saved his life.

That must have been a shock to the system...had he hinted at it at all? Any fallings out at home that might have prompted it?

Unless you have reason to believe that his dad can't/won't look after him, there's really not much to worry about. It's only natural that a maturing lad might want to spend a bit more time with his dad, especially when he's been in a house with two females.

Assuming you haven't fallen out, I expect the reason he hasn't spoken to you about it is that he knew it would upset you and didn't think you'd understand his reasoning.

There's every chance that it won't work out at his Dad's and he'll be back cap in hand, or it might be a great move for both of them and he'll stay there until Uni.

Either way, unless there's something you're not telling us, it's almost certainly not a reflection on you.

I agree with PP that the secrecy was very immature. There's no harm in gently giving him feedback on that - if you can sincerely say that you would have listened to him and supported him. He needs to move to an adult to adult relationship with you too. Not overnight, but bit by bit.

The PP above who said her boy ended up dropping out of education, gaming all night, etc. I admire her resourcefulness in tracking her son down! But getting him back and back on track depended on the son trusting her. You need your son to trust you too. So, focus on supporting him and rebuilding (if necessary) any trust that was lost in the shock of him moving out.

We had not been getting on since he finished his exams, he did super well in these, but he seemed to change since leaving. Him and his mates were not arranging to go out and we only live in a small village. He was spending more and more time in his bedroom. I could see he was trying to find his identity as he was experimenting with his fashion style, hair etc. I assumed it was all part of him coming of age. Hid dad made the decision to move 2.5hours away when [name redacted] was only very small, all because he met a woman online. None of it feels right or fair. But then I guess life isn’t

Just let him know you love him and the door is open and he'll always have a home with you when he needs it.

As tough as it is, your issues with his father aren't relevant here.

If things have been difficult at home, he probably sees this as an easy solution. It might work out, it might not. But either way he's not abandoning you, or chosing his dad over you. He's just doing what he thinks is best for him.

my DD has sobbed tonight because she is missing her brother and she’s not heard from him

That must be really hard. Has she reached out to him and he’s not answered?

When I was 13, my 16yr old brother left after a petty argument and went to live with Dad and his new wife and stepdaughter 2 hrs away.

Prior to that we had regular monthly contact with Dad, who had left for the other woman 4 yrs ago. Things were quite bad between Mum and Dad, mainly Dad in fairness because he wasn't paying his maintenance and Mum did her best to keep it away from us but we were living from one pay day to the next so when he didn't cough up, things got dire. But Dad had a good income and life seemed very much plusher at his.

Mum had always been the main child care giver prior to the divorce and I think my brother just stopped seeing all the things mum did for us and how the grass was greener on the other side. Realistically speaking he had never really been looked after by Dad so Dad could paint himself as the "best " parent and keep it up for the short time we spent with him.

Anyway, mum was devastated but she kept quiet. It went belly up, in time. Big brother asked if he could come back home after 18mths. He went to college and got A' Levels and then to Uni. Dad was very anti-Uni and said more real life work experience was better (the route he had taken). Mum just wanted my brother to try for his dreams.

Don't kick off with your son, be loving and supportive no matter how much it hurts. It may take a while but he will start to miss his home and mum and hopefully he will come back in some form or other.