School refusal...I feel like my family is falling apart

[Anarkandanaardvark]

Hello. My ds15 has not been to school since January and I don't even know what to do anymore.

He started off by getting to school very late but gradually stopped going altogether. He now tends to spend all morning in bed or just staring into space. I am so worried about him but don't know what else I can do as he won't engage with any help that has been offered. His doctor has put him on anti-anxiety medicine and wants him to be assessed for neurodivergency - but so far he just refuses to do this. My DH is also very worried but has his own health problems at the moment so day-to-day it falls to me. I have been diagnosed with depression and am finding it very hard to deal with the situation and actually do something that works. I am struggling at work and at home and my other kids have noticed and are suffering too.

I don't know really where to go from here but at the moment it is just groundhog day - every day I try and get him to school and every day I fail and I feel myself crumbling into depression even further. I don't know whether I should be assessed too - I feel we are very similar but that I have been more or less successful at coping until this, which has knocked me into a tailspin and everything seems to be falling apart.

Any advice would be appreciated although I am not in the UK so I am looking for more general advice rather than pointers to specific services. Thank you!

im sorry. That sounds hard.

have you tried alternatives to school? An online school or a training course or something?

would ds leave his room to do an activity- cooking or gardening or diy? Anything that gets him out and with people is good even if it isn’t traditional lessons.

This is a story of a kid who refused school and was depressed but learned baking

https://www.theguardian.com/food/2022/apr/24/dad-bread-and-me-how-baking-gave-one-teenager-a-new-zest-of-life-kitty-tait-breadsong-orange-bakery

I’m in a similiar position in England with a 9 year old. If you England I would be asking the school or arrange for him to see their educational pyschologist and for them to put a small steps programme in place. At his point it may include things like shower every day and brush his teeth twice a day - if he isn’t doing these things. It could also include text a friend 3 times a week.

Going from his current situation to a full day in school just isn’t going to work so stop trying.

Does he have friends? Do you think he could be ND?

I work in an alternative provision as a SENDCO and this is a really common story @Anarkandanaardvark- school refusal can impact the lives of everyone in the house.

I am sorry to hear too that your husband has health issues-how bad are they? What’s the prognosis? Could the worry about this be why your son is school refusing? Kids show their emotions at this age in the weirdest ways. Does your son know what he wants to do after school in terms of college and what grades he needs? If you haven’t already you need to sit down with him and work out how he might reach those goals. It might kick him up the arse a bit.

Have your son’s school put you in touch with inclusions? They should have, so that you can think about his options. Where abouts in the country are you?

I'm sorry that this is making you depressed and your household depressed too. You sound like you’re hanging on by a thread, so probably need some real help of your own that’s not just an antidepressant. Have you been offered talking therapy by your GP? If you haven’t? I’d push for that.

Good luck @Anarkandanaardvark- none of this is easy.

Yes. Great post @parietal. I was wondering that OP. I work with young people (a UK service) who don’t attend schools for various reasons. I tend to go to their homes and I try and find out what motivates them. Is there anything that your DS likes? Science experiments, cooking or anything that might take him out of the house?
It does sound really hard OP. Especially for you having to carry all of this. Do you have opportunities to do things for you? Going for walks, the gym etc.
Sending you love x

Thank you for all the responses and sympathy - it really is appreciated. To answer a few questions;
would ds leave his room to do an activity- cooking or gardening or diy? Anything that gets him out and with people is good even if it isn’t traditional lessons
No. The school psychologist has been in touch and offered him something like this but he point blank refused.

Does he have friends? Do you think he could be ND?
He actually has a lot of friends but when he first started withdrawing he refused to see or talk to any of them. Now he is a bit better and has started going out with them (which the psychologist has encouraged) but he still refuses to go to school! I think he might be ND - and I am beginning to think I might be too. Or perhaps I am kidding myself and I am just hopeless at all this!

I am sorry to hear too that your husband has health issues-how bad are they?
No, they are not really bad at all! I don’t think that is really the problem. Probably shouldn’t have mentioned them.

Where abouts in the country are you?
I am in an EU country. I don’t think talking therapy would be offered here. I have been offered anti-depressants but I didn’t take them - probably a mistake! He hasn’t really talked about what he wants for the future. He is avoiding talking about anything personal at all and will get really angry if pushed.

@Autisticburnouthell I am sorry you are going through similar! It is indeed hellish!

OP is your son gaming/using screens at night.

The fact he started out being late, and now it's progressed to him staying in bed all morning makes me wonder if this started because he was staying up too late using screens then struggling getting up in the morning.

What does he do in the afternoon??

OP is your son gaming/using screens at night.
He was but we took them away. He still often gets up in the night and struggles with sleep though. In the afternoon, he mainly uses his phone or games still.

There is a very good site on FB called not fine in school that will help you

I also recommend Suzanne aldertons book never let go.

A similar thing happened to my dd aged 17. She was diagnosed audhd and still hasn't gone back to education I'm afraid tho she will sometimes do an evening or daytime leisure course.

In order to move on he needs to trust you If step back from making him go for now. Try a fortnight with NO pressure or expectations. You wo t be any worse off and it may help him open up.

Trust for my dd took years. I had to learn a complete new way of parenting and that where Suzanne helped. My dd now trusts me and she is in therapy

This will take a lot of time I'm afraid. There is no quick fix but don't worry about exams etc. he can learn when he is older. Kids that feel unsafe can't learn anyway so it's pointless to try

Good luck.

Learn Al you can about Agra and Austin and yes you can have both together and parenting these kids is totally different so ignore the tough love approach. If you suspect it. Chances are it's there.

Aghhhhh speed tying. Asd and adhd that should say. Learn all you can about low support needs Your boys is likely very clever but can't do the other life stuff Revising. Organising. Social stuff.

Can you try introducing structure to his day that isn't school?

He can't learn in any capacity from this position so for now, I think I'd treat school as the least of your problems.

He needs to get up and have some structure to his day that isn't sleeping and gaming.

It can be going for a walk or as others have suggested baking, gardening any kind of activity. Try and get him out of his current state and then look at where you are.

It doesn't sound like pushing for school right now is helping anyone so focus your efforts in other ways and once you get there look at what provision might work. If it has to be home ed then it's better than where you are now.

Did something happen to cause this? A particular event/trauma (even if you don’t see it that way) , or an accumulation of lots of little things and struggling with school life?

How was he as a kid/in primary?

When he was just late, was there a pattern to it or every day?

Are the school providing work for him to do at home? Would they consider a reduced timetable?

Would he be interested in attending a different school?

What does he watch on his phone? What kind of content?

Does he have any hobbies/interests?

We don’t know if there was anything in particular as he refuses to talk about it. The psychologist tends to think that it was gradual - he started high school last year (different system here) and for the first time in his life he couldn’t get by with doing the absolute minimum like he used to and pretty quickly felt overwhelmed. I think this is likely.

He has always hated school but he used to go but was chronically late. The school won’t provide any work from home but would be open to a reduced timetable if he would start going a bit....

He refuses to attend a different school. We have a school close by which is happy to have him and works well for ND kids - he won’t even consider it.

He used to love football but doesn’t really seem to like anything any more. The videos he watches are mainly shorts and just stuff on video games.

I don’t know how well it would work for you guys … but any suggestions might be appreciated.

so my eldest struggled in year 10 . In fact it was a nightmare. I don’t think she had any days where she didn’t go at all (except the few I’ll explain later) but getting her into school in the morning was horrifying, if she was in before lunch it was a good day , and she would get so worked up some days that the pastoral staff would send her home occasionally to.

working with the school was key , one day she was three minutes late, which was bloody brilliant, we had a awful morning, but she was in . Head of year decided because she was late to put her in isolation for the day . I could have quite happily poked him in the eye . She refused the next day saying why bother , can just do the work on my iPad like yesterday- and I secretly agreed with her !
im normally 100% with the teachers but we did have to speak on that one .

anyway what I found helped - after her mocks which were quite low (mainly 2s) we went and toured a lot of colleges on their open days (most are round about now) and she found two courses she was desperate to do . Unfortunately she needed her GCSE’s .
we made a calendar plan of days at school left and taped it to her wall , so she could see how few there were.
we made a deal if she went to school all week , she could choose a takeaway on the Friday.
if she did four weeks in a row , on the fourth Friday we had a day off (it did only work out at 5 days , but as her attendance was perfect without it in year 11 , school said very little. I’m assuming it was because attendance was near perfect compared to year 10 🤷‍♂️)

she suddenly had a goal to work to , knew what she needed to leave school behind and it made the world of difference. She managed her 4s in English, maths , statistics and science and two btec level 2 passes , and got on to her level three college course.

I have spoken to her about that year 10 a few years later , and she said she just didn’t want to go and knew that If she resisted enough I would have to go to work and no one could do anything. 😡

there was other things going on at the time , but I did always suspect that she was milking it (?)

so to sum up… a goal to work towards with a sprinkle of bribery got us there.

Most EBSNA kids are ND but not all.

Keep encourging friendship. Would he join a youth group?

You need to think of it as a mental illness and try and get back to basics at his speed. Sun light in the morning, healthy foods as much as possible, get him nature, I hate to say it as she won’t do it but getting a dog or another pet can be good.

My DD is currently supposed to be attending last lesson of the day to work 1:1 with TA on relationship building.

Can you try introducing structure to his day that isn't school?
We try but we both need to be at work! It is really hard to force him to do anything when we aren't at home.

Your boys is likely very clever but can't do the other life stuff Revising. Organising. Social stuff.
I agree. He is a deep thinker but is also becoming very introverted which is not a great combination.

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver Thank you for those resources. I think you are right about trust. It is difficult to let go of school though. Where we are, if you fail the year you have to retake it so currently he is in a class (although he is not actually there!) with younger kids. If he fails this year, he will be with kids two years younger which I think would be very bad for him and make it even harder for him to reintegrate. Last year he failed because he didn't have enough attendance to pass. This year he will fail even sooner - and then there will be no point in him going as he knows he will fail anyway. It is a stupid system imo but it is what it is.

Would he join a youth group?
We don't really have those. He was in the scouts but stopped going despite having friends there.

You need to think of it as a mental illness and try and get back to basics at his speed. Sun light in the morning, healthy foods as much as possible, get him nature, I hate to say it as she won’t do it but getting a dog or another pet can be good.
You are right. I have to really get him to eat better too. That is another battle. I cannot really get a pet. He is allergic to cats (which he would love to have) and a dog is just too much work - which would probably end up being on me.

so to sum up… a goal to work towards with a sprinkle of bribery got us there.
I think you are right but at the moment he just cannot really see an end in sight. He could either leave without any qualifications next year or stick it out for another five years. Neither option looks great!

My daughter stopped going to school last September. She's autistic and she was in burnout.
Long story, it had been brewing for years, lots of well documented health problems along with masking her difficulties and then a tiny little incident at school with a friend and it all went wrong.

Honestly, this might seem counter intuitive and I'm a teacher, so I shouldn't say this, but stop trying to make him go.

He needs rest and understanding and time. It's the only thing that works.

A year on, I have an EHCP for her, she's deregistered, she does online school, and I got compensation because the LA didn't provide as my education, which will cover her education for the next year if the L A become silly buggers and try to take away her online school.

She should be in year 11, she's bright, but she's only doing 3 GCSEs, a bit of baking, and some art now.

But compared to where we were it's a world of difference.

Children do well when they can, something is stopping him.

I just made space for her to rest, I told her not to do any work, I watched webinars, read books, and took off the pressure .

(Naomi fisher is a brilliant one to start with)

It got better, eventually. We tried the local EBSA school, didn't work for her, might for him.

But number one, rest, no pressure and giving us all a break before trying to tackle it, because the local authority have a responsibility to provide something for him.

Be kinder to yourself and him.

@Anarkandanaardvark I really do feel for you. I think your son is very mentally unwell and the only way to help him will be to prioritise his mental health over everything for the time being.

Remove all his online access including his phone.
Completely forget about school attendance. Go without anything and everything you can to cut your hours or take a sabbatical.

Is he taking the anti anxiety meds? It sounds like he needs meds suited to depression as well as anxiety. Are they suited to that? If he’s taking them then he needs a review. Sometimes young people are so unwell that they can’t even begin to help themselves without the support of medication.

There are some free phone based helplines/counselling services. Sorry I don’t know the details but some are for parents to help cope and some are for the kids.

Will he leave the house at all? Am wondering if it is social anxiety and if he is able to be around anyone outside of family unit regardless of context. Appearance anxiety is very common amongst teenagers and more now than ever for boys. Do you know how he feels about his looks? Does he see the label of mental health as a weakness? Is this why he won’t engage with support? I’ve been through something similar hence the questions.

Oh bugger sorry, I missed loads of your posts, not the LA then...

But the rest still stands!

You're not alone, mine also stopped everything else gradually, she has no friends, no peers, no activities outside of school. It makes me so sad but she's now getting up, washing, eating, laughing most days...it's such a change from where we were.

We went through a stage when he wouldnt leave the house but he will now. He does have bad skin which I know troubles him but he refuses to see a dermatologist so we are limited in what we can do about it. As for seeing mental health as a weakness - YES. He is very disparaging about it and thinks that any fo these services that have been offered to him are for losers who can’t hack it. 🙄

This. Going to school is like going from 0-60 in one move. Set small goals for you to achieve
get out of bed and brush teeth and get dressed and go for a decent walk
then add in scheduled activities including WhatsApp with friends
then add in small learning activities ( ask school for help)
then start to attend school for short periods eg one regular lesson / break
then make it longer and longer And so on.

It’s baby steps but moving a little bit forward each time gets you there

I've been in your shoes. It is so stressful, I remember being in tears everyday trying to get him to get up and out of the house.
The school were worse then useless, I'm afraid. I remember they said to me, I was being too soft on him. He was over 6 feet tall, I couldn't physically force him and he looked completely broken and didn't want to do anything, so I could tell there were mental health issues.
The Gp wouldn't help and CAHMs just seemed to disappear, the school promised counselling sessions if he went in, they never happened.
To cut a long story short, It was his GCSE year and I told the school he would be working from home, there was obviously a mental health issue and until we could get some help, we thought that was the best option. They sent study guides and online resources to him and he just spent his time revising. It took a while for him to come out of his shell but he did and went it to school to sit the exams on the day. Didn't do fantastically well but our main aim was to get him to at least sit them and seeing where he had come from it was a miracle.
He wouldn't go to college (too much like school) but did online courses. Eventually, when he got to 18 and said he was going to speak to the GP as he thought he might be depressed, they couldn't help him before that time because of his age. He was given a really low dose of medication and its been like a light has come on. He has been working for a year now, doing really well but he did say that he suspects he was depressed during that time as well, which makes me sad that we couldn't get help for him then.

School is just very hard for some kids and we think it is only road to go on but its not. There are alternatives, as people have said there is online learning etc, which he might thrive on. Once the pressure of not having to go in to school was lifted, my son opened up and was looking forward in life again.

Take a little pressure off yourself as well, you are doing what you can. x