School refusal...I feel like my family is falling apart

[Anarkandanaardvark]

Hello. My ds15 has not been to school since January and I don't even know what to do anymore.

He started off by getting to school very late but gradually stopped going altogether. He now tends to spend all morning in bed or just staring into space. I am so worried about him but don't know what else I can do as he won't engage with any help that has been offered. His doctor has put him on anti-anxiety medicine and wants him to be assessed for neurodivergency - but so far he just refuses to do this. My DH is also very worried but has his own health problems at the moment so day-to-day it falls to me. I have been diagnosed with depression and am finding it very hard to deal with the situation and actually do something that works. I am struggling at work and at home and my other kids have noticed and are suffering too.

I don't know really where to go from here but at the moment it is just groundhog day - every day I try and get him to school and every day I fail and I feel myself crumbling into depression even further. I don't know whether I should be assessed too - I feel we are very similar but that I have been more or less successful at coping until this, which has knocked me into a tailspin and everything seems to be falling apart.

Any advice would be appreciated although I am not in the UK so I am looking for more general advice rather than pointers to specific services. Thank you!

@Londondreamer Thank you! It is truly stressful - and I agree with you about making these strong boys (men) get out of the house. So many people have said to me "just make him go". How?? He is much stronger than me. I am looking into alternatives too but he is so adamant that he wants to stay at his school (why??) and I don't think I have the time (or ability!) to homeschool him in the subjects he needs there even if he would accept this solution.

Now leaving the house is good.

This new website is really good

https://barrierstoeducation.co.uk/burnout-recovery/

My duaghter’s diet is awful at the momwnt but she is autistic and went through a phase of losing weight so for now whatever she will be drink and eat is good.

Is melatonin avaliable without a prescription or even on prescription where you live?

It is far more likely DS can’t engage rather than won’t.

If DS enjoys gaming, is there anything in your country that can tap into that in a therapeutic way? In England there are alternative provisions that use gaming, some of them in a therapeutic way to one extent or another. For example, Mindjam, Tubers Academy, Player Ready, Overworld Esports Academy. If there is anything like that where you are, that could be a way in.

Is melatonin avaliable without a prescription or even on prescription where you live?
Yes, he had an over the counter melatonin for a few months, then went on to a prescription form but now the psychologist has recommeded stopping it to see if it means he is more alert in the mornings. At the moment, I am not sure whether to restart it or not.

Thank you everyone for all your comments - lots to follow up on. I have been checking on here while trying to chivvy DS to get up this morning. He should be in school now (yes, they go on Saturday here in high school which I think is another contributing factor to his refusal as even when he went to school, he found only having one day off a week very stressful!) Will check back later.

He had started seeing friends again and is working with a psychologist. That's great progress. It's just going to be small steps. Maybe take the preassure off a bit and stop trying to make him go to school every day. I'd maybe suggest it on a weekly basis.

It's so hard, OP. I went through it for three or four years with DD2, from Y7 to Y10 basically. She ended up with a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD and doing a handful of GCSEs at home with online school/tutors.

She is now 16, passed her Maths and English, has a part time job and is enjoying doing a vocational subject at college. She has missed one day of college so far with genuine ill health, after struggling on before, and has not been late for work once nor missed a shift. The only thing is they are giving her too many hours sometimes as she is doing so well!

Get on Not Fine in School on Facebook. There is lots of great advice and it makes you realise how many other people are facing the same thing.

Most state secondary schools are not fit for purpose unfortunately.

He is not actually working with the psychologist. Dh and I have seen the psychologist but DS refuses to come.

He needs more adult oversight and input day to day, especially if you are somewhere with a school system which expects a level of independence alien to most UK kids.
I know you have to work, but could you bring a relative over to bring in more day to day structure, or get a nanny. Anyone to keep him company and bring a bit of structure. Hes only 15 and I find teens need as much parenting as toddlers.

Unfortunately we have no relatives who would be able to do that. I am trying to work more from home, though.

Do you have space for a student? Swap rent for some light teensge supervision, feeding and a activity? You need to get creative here to find a way to show your DC that there is a whole world outside.

I appreciate the suggestion but we are already in a small flat with no extra space, I think having someone extra here would push ME over the edge!

I absolutely disagree with the he needs more structure approach.

He needs a total rest from any demands. If he is ND then any demand will add to the burn out.

In order to build trust you need to step back. Just simply good food and love.

The rest will follow.

DD missed most of Y8/9 and then partial timetable in Y10/11. It has not been easy and it was very slow to get her back in at all and needed lots of 1:1 support. I had to give up work and be at home with her.
i agree that he needs the break and the pressure taking off for a while at least. Pushing does nothing.
She is jn college full time now and things have improved, it’s not school and she can cope with that so much more.
You do need to find what works for him to bring him back into education but how that looks for him I can’t say, what has the SENCO at school said?

Did some of this coincide with him getting his own phone and having nire access to screen stuff?
The first thing i would want to do is start introducing some screen restrictions as id bet he's quite screen addicted. Not saying get rid of it entirely but maybe start by allowing no more than 4hrs a day, then reduce to 3.5 perhaps, and see if you can gradually taper. And by screens id be restricting all screens, tv, phone, xbox, tablet, the lot, no more than 4hrs in total on screens

You are right but the school is also stressing me out and we (parents) have to report back to say what we are doing as he still legally has to be in school.

Where does he go when he does go out?

The main thing that helped with my son was accutane. His spots weren’t that bad at all in my view but they completely disabled him and he was unable to function. He tried everything. He would refuse to see a dermatologist as he refused to be looked at but in the end he did. I’ve only had my baby back since March after 2 years more or less in bed. After withdrawing so long it takes a good while to cope being back in the world. It was the darkest of times. He went from having no motivation to now having lots of it. I think that was also part of the change - being so lethargic and apathetic for so long has made him want to make up for it.

At first when he started to withdraw I put pressure on him but as time went on, I stopped as it just wasn’t helpful to anyone.

I don’t think there are any easy answers, sadly and he will have to come to his own conclusions eventually whilst knowing you are always there to support. Regular, gentle attempts to motivate. Does he have any kind of structure? Is he at all compliant with anything whatsoever? Is he aggressive at all?

I'm so sorry your going through this , it's really tough.My daughter started school refusal after being bullied in year 9, we suspected she was ND, the school were worse than useless , totally unsupportive, and so we deregistered her to home educate, for the last 2 years of school.She self studied, and took her GCSES as an external candidate and passed them all, She's also ,just recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, and has started going to a smaller College with fantastic SEN support and has made many new friends.School is not the best place for every child.

My ds was a persistent school refuser ,& despite only having 55% attendance managed to pass all 8 of his GCSEv exams with reasonable grades. He started A levels but had to give up because of chronic fatigue & long covid. After a 2 year break he applied to do a degree with foundation year & absolutely loves it, he hardly misses uni & even went a day after being discharged from hospital against medical advice. School isn't always the right place for kids, don't write of his future.

I’m going to offer another perspective than the “let him rest and don’t push him” one discussed here.

Our second daughter did this in year 9 in Aus, she was 14. She’s in year 12 now. I’m pretty sure she’s not ND but she was definitely socially anxious. There was no obvious reason for the school refusal but I think a perfect storm of teen issues - braces, acne, social groups moving around, giving up a competitive sport all contributed. She refused to see a psychologist but did see a dermatologist and her skin clearing up helped.
She’s always been a very pretty girl (I’m biased obvs) and the acne in particular was devastating for her self esteem.

What got us through is that she’s inherently very bright, has her mind set on a degree in astrophysics since primary school and essentially liked her school and her teachers. She goes to an academic private school in Australia. We said that if she carried on as she was we’d pull her out and that it was too exhausting for everyone to continue with a daily battle. We removed all unnecessary screen time from her phone and if she was at home we took the tv remotes away while we were working.

One of her year 9 teachers was so gentle and understanding and would let her sit with her in the class at break if it all felt a bit much.

By year 10 she was fine 🤷‍♀️. New friends, new sport that was very social, focused on school work, no attendance issues, part time job, a few parties and a bit of rebellion but nothing excessive.

She’s now in year 12, a few weeks away from her final school exams, has topped the school in physics and is aiming for high 90s in all her subjects and a particular uni course. There’s still typical teen stuff but nothing out of the ordinary.

ETA : I’m going to add that I felt terrible being as strict as I was about school and tried to make her life easier in small ways, like making sure she always had her preferred lip balm, moisturiser whilst on accutane, kept her room clean (she was happy for me to go in there), made sure clothes were washed and she had preferred foods etc