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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager tantrums/attitude

44 replies

ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 10:39

My ds and I had a huge fight last night, got quite physical, he is getting so big and strong, I feel so sad I did not keep calm, I should'nt have taken the bait, we were distraught, but managed to talk things through, I am worried how angry he gets, he said he could have really hurt me, but he had just a tiny bit of respect left for me that he didn't, he is only twelve. I love him so much, I am in pain!

I'd like to get help, but I am ashamed (understatement)

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jammi · 04/06/2008 10:49

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fifitinkerbell · 04/06/2008 11:06

I know what you are going through as DS1 (14) & I fell out last night & now he wants to move out and is not speaking to me

fifitinkerbell · 04/06/2008 11:07

oh & he to me is F**k off which was a red rag to a bull..

Like you I really dont know what to do and I am sad that I also lost my temper

fifitinkerbell · 04/06/2008 11:08

dear grammer not good sorry typing in a rush & crying a the same time.

fifitinkerbell · 04/06/2008 11:09

I know what you are going through as DS1 (14) & I fell out last night & now he wants to move out and is not speaking to me

BoyzntheShire · 04/06/2008 11:11

was gonna post lighthearted thing about my future plans to deal with teenageryness (mine are all under 5) but i see youre all in real pain and i dont know what to advise.

is there one of those 'how to talk...' books for teens? its a place to start, no? y'all sound like youre clean out of ideas atm...

WendyWeber · 04/06/2008 11:37

OK, I know this is the Daily Mail but it's short and snappy and gets the point across well. (In fact it says you should have a good row every day but I wouldn't go that far.)

Teenagers are supposed to argue with their parents - if they don't it's bad for their independence. I know these huge flare-ups are painful and upsetting (esp when your DS is only 12, ZS, but I guess his hormones are kicking in early) - we have some huge shouting matches here too (DS1 is 19, DS2 is 15) - but since I found out that it's an important part of growing up I don't feel nearly so bad about it.

Try not to take what they say too personally, and try not to let it escalate. When it's getting to that point, walking away can be the best thing to do.

It is hard - but they do come out the other side as nice grown-ups. I have 2 older DDs as well and we had some ding-dongs with them but we have a great relationship now - well, most of the time

jammi · 04/06/2008 11:52

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girlnextdoor · 04/06/2008 12:45

I have been through this and was deeply ashamed- I went to give my son's legs at slap at aged 12- he was being unbearably rude etc etc and he punched me on the chin- I was distraught and wanted to leave home. Took ages to get over.

We had dreadful, dreadful rows right up to when he was 18-19. No more violence though.

I wish I had got help- can you go to parenting classes, or at least talk to parenting helplines- Parentlineplus?

They do get better- when my son got his degree, he said to us he would never had achieved it without us- so he does appreciate us really

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 14:14

Gosh I realise i am not alone, I just felt so rubbish, such a horrible mummy! I have 4yo twins and I don't want them picking up stuff ds1 says, they start school in Sept and I can imagine getting a phone call to say they are expelled on their 1st day!

My ds1 has dyslexia and dyspraxia so has added pressures at school and I think he finds it hard to stay focused allllll day, so explodes anyway when he gets home.

I had visitors yesterday and he put his ps on the tv - I'd asked him to turn it down, you'd think I was asking him for the earth the amount of fuss it created. He pushed me against the patio doors and was in my face and I'm afraid I slapped his face, my friend said, don't beat myself up it wasn't hard it was just a tap, but thats not the point I hurt him mentally not physically, not to say me spending most of today in tears, guilt I suppose!

I can't wait to see him after school, make sure he's ok!

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girlnextdoor · 04/06/2008 14:18

Try to walk away- my DS is dyslexic too and saved it all up as you say!

I found a strategy was literally to go out of the room- he would sometimes follow me to keep the row going and at times I would lock myself in the loo!

Looking back- he is now almost 22- I would say that the answer is to keep clam IF YOU CAN! it is so easy for them to press the right buttons, but if you can keep cool it will help.

Even if you just say "I am not talking to you about this til you are calm" - or walk away, until you get your control back.

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 14:26

H generally only plays up when visitors are here, attention seeking to the point where nobody gets a word in.

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Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 14:27

I am normally so good, but he was way out of order this time.

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Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 14:28

But so was I

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fifitinkerbell · 04/06/2008 15:22

My son is dyslexic to. Do try & walk away as rowing upsets DS2 (10)

sometimes i just feel like i am not coping.

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:31

How do you get them to co-operate as in a simple request, everything I ask is answered "ER NO"

I find it so hard when visitors are here, (most days)

I have said he's to go upstairs to his room next time we have visitors, I don't want him showing us up anymore

I love the Daily Mail news article, but it might not be good in front of 4yo twins! thats my dilema there.

Beautiful looking family WW, check my pics, ds1 is 2 years older now, but every bit still georgous!

OOOOH ds will be home in 10mins, can't wait to see him, on the same hand dreading the tantrum!!!!

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Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:35

fifi - sorry you are struggling aswell, hope you get a response tonight!

I must admit, I hurt so much last night when ds said life was feckin crap! I really had to make sure we'd sorted things out before bed time. he does use emotional blackmail though, clever at pushing the right buttons

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mumblechum · 04/06/2008 15:42

Just a thought, you say you have visitors round most days. Do you think your ds needs a bit more time one to one with you? Ds & I have a half hour or so when he comes home when we have a snack and he chats about his day. do you think that may help?

WendyWeber · 04/06/2008 15:43

Thank you, ZS And yours is gorgeous - blue eyes, freckles and dark hair - yummy!

Hope you do manage to make up without having another one - and apologise for the slap, but not for being mad at him, because he was bloody rude and deserved it!

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:53

WW - thank you for that!

MC - Friends are never here more than 1hour -and last night she was only here for 5minutes to bring me some flowers, to ask him to turn the tv down for 5 minutes wasn't an unreasonable request to warrant a complete meltdown! was it? perhaps I'm asking too much from a teenager

DS has always been on the border line of attention seeking, I'd say he gets the opportunity of 1T1 with me at least for 2 hours in the weekday evenings, but he chooses to only converse with me when its MY bedtime ?????? so brick wall there. I work 3 evenings a week.

DS hates authority 'period'

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Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:54

He's not home yet getting worried

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mumblechum · 04/06/2008 15:55

What time does he usually get in?

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:56

3.40pm

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mumblechum · 04/06/2008 15:57

If he's anything like mine he's gone to the sweetshop & missed the bus.

Original poster
ZipadiSuzy · 04/06/2008 15:58

Comes straight home every day

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