Advice Needed Please

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 09:04

wtf?

seriously

who pays for her mobile?

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 09:04

DH thinks one of the things we should do is to contact the GF & ask her not to chat to DD after 11pm or to at least for her to persuade DD to be a lot quieter

no!!

parent!!

SErunner · 29/09/2025 09:04

No phone in bedroom if she can’t be responsible. Sorted.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 09:06

And she has school today?

Edenmum2 · 29/09/2025 09:06

the wind up threads are out of control atm

MissyB1 · 29/09/2025 09:07

Our 16 year old has never been allowed his phone in his bedroom overnight to avoid precisely this kind of thing! His phone is with ours on charge in the living room.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 09:07

Edenmum2 · 29/09/2025 09:06

the wind up threads are out of control atm

I don’t think is a wind up. Sadly

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 29/09/2025 09:31

It’s a complicated situation - DD has a history of mental health issues, trauma, bullying, all sorts. She was initially allowed her phone overnight for listening to music etc as she often doesn’t sleep or not much. We had a rule of being quiet after 11, which she stuck to, but the last couple of nights she’s basically taking the mick. She isn’t attending college & is taking accredited courses at home. I pay her mobile bill so today am going to tell her that I will no longer be doing that if she keeps me awake again & speaks to me like she did. The contract ends in November anyway.

OP posts:

SErunner · 29/09/2025 09:37

There are other devices to play music or whatever off. Still no need for her phone to be in her room. ‘Being quiet’ is too ambiguous and difficult to enforce.

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 09:39

the phone gets switched off at 11 (or whenever you go to bed if earlier) and goes in your room with you (lock it away if necessary)

Get her a radio, cd player, mp3 player or whatever to play music.

Any tantrums around this and when the contract ends in November it is not renewed.

However, if she has MH issues, is she seeing a therapist? if not make that a priority.

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 29/09/2025 09:46

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 09:39

the phone gets switched off at 11 (or whenever you go to bed if earlier) and goes in your room with you (lock it away if necessary)

Get her a radio, cd player, mp3 player or whatever to play music.

Any tantrums around this and when the contract ends in November it is not renewed.

However, if she has MH issues, is she seeing a therapist? if not make that a priority.

She has a CAMHS appointment this week & is also returning to a therapist she has seen regularly in the past.

OP posts:

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 09:50

That's good news at least, i know it was a real struggle to get any help for my DC with MH issues.

You do need to keep an ongoing conversation with her about how to behave in shared accommodation - not being inconsiderate of people's sleep, etc etc - since at some point she may find herself living with strangers. It is about good habits, self-care comes into that too. For all your sakes, make sure you and your DH are aligned on this, and that you both support her. He really needs to be on board and it is vital that he understands how she ticks, what her issues are etc. (I say this because i didn't realise that my DH had no idea of what was going on when our issues first started with DC. Once he was up to speed, we could offer support and support each other when the going got tough)

Leave the GF right out of discussions about this, and definitely don't speak directly to GF.

sesquipedalian · 29/09/2025 09:50

OP, remove her phone - I would have thought ten o’clock is quite late enough on a school night. Music can be provided some other way. OP, getting in touch with the GF is a total abnegation of parental responsibility - it’s not on her friend to curtail the phone calls: it’s on you as the parent. I would have thought the fact that she’s suffered bullying would be all the more reason to take her phone overnight.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 13:52

What time does she need to be up for her online courses?

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 13:53

She doesn’t need her phone for music op

very basic parenting - no phone in room overnight. The end.

Tillow4ever · 29/09/2025 13:54

You sound afraid of your daughter - you need to do a pretty standard parenting task and your first thought is to contact her GF and ask her to do it for you? Have you ever actually said “no” to your daughter, or put any sort of behaviour rules in place?

YOU are the parents. You pay the bill, she has the phone purely because you allow it. You can choose the conditions attached to that, and no calls after a certain time seems reasonable to me.

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 29/09/2025 15:57

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 13:52

What time does she need to be up for her online courses?

She does them in her own time

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 29/09/2025 15:57

sesquipedalian · 29/09/2025 09:50

OP, remove her phone - I would have thought ten o’clock is quite late enough on a school night. Music can be provided some other way. OP, getting in touch with the GF is a total abnegation of parental responsibility - it’s not on her friend to curtail the phone calls: it’s on you as the parent. I would have thought the fact that she’s suffered bullying would be all the more reason to take her phone overnight.

DD isn’t in full time education

OP posts:

Pancakeflipper · 29/09/2025 16:04

She can have music via other devices.

If the agreement is phone off at 11pm, then parent this rule (or don't have it as a rule).

Going to the GF is just ridiculous. Your DH needs to parent your child not someone else's. MH and teens is a nightmare but you need to keep fair rules in play.

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 18:25

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 29/09/2025 15:57

She does them in her own time

Show quote history

What time does she get up in the morning? Does she have any kind of routine?

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 18:27

the very fact you and your husband think asking the GF to basically do your parenting… is quite honestly shocking Op and very much tells us why you find yourself in the situation with your child no longer attending full time education and stuck at home all day everyday spending hours and hours on her phone no doubt.

Parent up.

Bumdrops · 29/09/2025 23:19

read the book - the anxious generation
there is so much evidence that smart phones are linked to poor mental health in young people
provide an Alexa in her room for music
using phone until early hours is very bad for her mental health -
you need to prioritise sleep, activities of daily living, routine, structure,
good nutrition
alongside therapy etc ..

agree with PP who said thinking talking to the GF and asking them to put the boundaries in does suggest that you are unable
to to parent / establish boundaries yourself

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 30/09/2025 11:31

DH suggested involving the GF but he wasn’t thinking straight - we really have been through a lot with DD. It’s incredibly stressful at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 30/09/2025 11:34

DD has said that she & her GF fall asleep on the phone together. But there’s no way it can continue with her still talking into the early hours. She has an I Phone 16 which we are paying for & I pay her bill. I will tell her that if it happens again, I will no longer pay the bill or renew her contract in November.

OP posts:

Bumdrops · 30/09/2025 11:39

What’s the likelihood of you not paying for her phone …. Really ??))
surely it is easier to just have the phone off her at a particular time like 10pm ??
as phones are so addictive she will kick off / go into withdrawal / meltdown but with support will come through that and be more likely to get some quality sleep
you are asking her to self regulate this -
i don’t think you have a chance in hell given what u have described