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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else’s teen hate school

69 replies

HelloKittyFan · 23/09/2025 09:50

Anyone else’s teen (well preteen as he is only 11 but secondary school) hate school? I’m so exhausted with it all 😔 anyone else going through the same every morning is a battle

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 23/09/2025 10:45

Secondary school is a trial to be endured these days. I’m not surprised so many kids drop out and refuse to go.

It’s one anxiety inducing thing after another - constant threat of detentions, uniform obsession, stressed angry teachers, peer pressure, social media pressure, classroom disruption, not able to use the toilet, crowd control management etc etc.

My bright well-behaved kids went to a so called ‘outstanding’ school and all came out traumatised in one way or another. The whole system needs reviewing.

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 23/09/2025 10:47

twistyizzy · 23/09/2025 10:43

You come across as being quite passive in this. Unfortunately the way the system works is that those who shout loudest get priority. If the school won't answer then rock up in person, be the thorn in their side until you get to speak to SENCO. You need to advocate for your child because noone else will.

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I have been there sorry if that isn’t clear, I have been down there they won’t bring anyone to speak to me they say they are busy and will call me back but it never happens

OP posts:
twistyizzy · 23/09/2025 10:48

HelloKittyFan · 23/09/2025 10:47

I have been there sorry if that isn’t clear, I have been down there they won’t bring anyone to speak to me they say they are busy and will call me back but it never happens

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Put a complaint in with the governors. You have to keep making a nuisance of yourself

waterrat · 23/09/2025 18:13

If the school are so hard to reach to a point where they are failing in their duty of pastoral care I would move schools

Sounds like he is autistic if no friends and always hated it. He could find a better suited environment..smaller...specialist ?

My 11 year old is autistic snd also massively hated school at points including school refuse.

It makes a huge difference having a diagnosis and you dont need to wait for school to do it.

With diagnosis yoi can begin to look at much more appropriate education setting...its not easy to fight for a sen child but there are many others out there to connect with

Ive never heard of a school not responding at all..that's just not acceptable

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 23/09/2025 18:19

He would not get into a special school

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 24/09/2025 08:45

HelloKittyFan · 23/09/2025 10:21

I’ve already made a thread about this I have called them multiple times, left messages, emailed them and been down there and no one responds to me.

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Get in contact with his Head of Year, they should have a direct email on the school website, or any information they've given you. If not they'll have all the direct emails of SLT, so maybe if there's someone responsible for DSL/Pastoral, or KS3 get in contact with them as well, even if they just redirect you by given you someone like SENCO or HOY's direct email to have a meeting.

If none of that works, go after school or a little earlier in the morning, go to reception and ask to see the HOY, they won't have a form, so try and get in to see them then (not on a day when they have assembly) or early before school.

What specific service did the primary school refer you to? As in do you know the name?

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 24/09/2025 09:16

That’s who I’ve been trying to contact, the head of year. Primary school referred for ASD assessment.

OP posts:
TheLivelyViper · 24/09/2025 19:19

HelloKittyFan · 24/09/2025 09:16

That’s who I’ve been trying to contact, the head of year. Primary school referred for ASD assessment.

So they referred him to CAHMS, then for a psychiatrist to assess him? Did you do any forms etc? Maybe through the NHS app, check his records, see if any letters or notes have been added etc. I'd check back in with the primary school, to see if they did the whole thing, as often you ask and they forgot to send one bit off etc, or perhaps though the secondary SENCO would pick it up, even just ask for the specific service, as it may have been CAHMS but it could have been something else with a different name, community peads or something else, and you may need to get in contact with them so getting the number or email would help, even just to ask for a timeline.

On the HOY, sorry from your previous posts I assumed you had been trying to contact the SENCO mainly. Are you sure it is the right HOY, and the right email etc? It probably is, but worth a double check.

Does the webiste have the direct emails of any SLT, particulary anyone for DSL/Pastoral, or KS3 that you could contact? Or are you able to go to reception in the morning/early before school/form time in the next few days? Or afterschool instead? If repeated emails don't work, in-person is the way to go.

BlueMoon23 · 24/09/2025 19:28

You need to check wherever he has been referred to has actually accepted the referral. Usually you will have a letter sent which tells you the referral has been made and they are added to the waiting list. The waiting lists are long. You could ask your GP to refer via right to choose. With school, it is very unusual that they are not responding to you at all. Try emailing one last time, including all the previous dates of emails or requests for meetings. Then if no response, make an official complaint (schools will have the details of how to do this on their websites usually). Have a look at not fine in school, ipsea and your local SENDIASS and inclusion websites. You will need to advocate strongly for your child and need to know what support is available.

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 18:20

OP, you say he has always hated school since reception. You also say that years ago you suggested to his primary school that he might have unmet SEN. What kind of SEN did you feel he had?

Outside of school, what does he choose to spend his time doing? What does he enjoy? On the weekends, does he get out of bed early fine if you are taking him somewhere? Where does he go that he likes?

Moreteaandchocolate · 27/09/2025 18:24

Would you consider private assessment of SEN? It worked wonders for my dd.

ObliviousCoalmine · 27/09/2025 18:26

Yes. Everyday I have to emotionally prep and support her to get her in. She hates it. We’re nearly there and the end of secondary now but it’s been very long.

She’s a totally different child when school isn’t a factor so I’m hoping progressing to college etc will be positive.

Trinity69 · 27/09/2025 18:30

My daughter is currently refusing school on and off. Her attendance last year was just under 50% and so far this year it’s about 35%. She is ND (ADHD) and awaiting an ASD assessment via right to choose which should be soon.
You need to be more proactive. Go and sit in reception. Refuse to move. Speak to your GP about assessment via right to choose which is usually much quicker. Apply for an EHCP. School need to put things in place to support him based on suspected SEN, not just diagnosed SEN.

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:30

I have an older child that’s autistic so I suggested he was as well but the senco said she doesn’t believe he is and doesn’t see any traits. He loves the weekends and is much happier but rarely wants to go anywhere as he says he is tired from school and just wants to chill out.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:32

Trinity69 · 27/09/2025 18:30

My daughter is currently refusing school on and off. Her attendance last year was just under 50% and so far this year it’s about 35%. She is ND (ADHD) and awaiting an ASD assessment via right to choose which should be soon.
You need to be more proactive. Go and sit in reception. Refuse to move. Speak to your GP about assessment via right to choose which is usually much quicker. Apply for an EHCP. School need to put things in place to support him based on suspected SEN, not just diagnosed SEN.

He is on the list I’ve had a letter since posting, I’m not going down the school kicking off refusing to move he wouldn’t like that.

OP posts:
ObliviousCoalmine · 27/09/2025 18:32

You will have to advocate for him with the school though. None of this “I’ve tried but haven’t heard anything”. You ring you email, you go down there. You rope in governors. You’re in reception and they say they’re busy? Fine, you wait till someone isn’t. Head of year, SENCO, tutor, head teacher, anyone. Slopey shoulders won’t help.

Holdonforsummer · 27/09/2025 18:36

My daughter is nearly 16 and has hated secondary school since the start (was fine at primary). There isn’t any SEN but she finds it exhausting and overwhelming. The petty rules get her down (she’s a really good student but has received 3 detentions for tiny things in the last 3 weeks) and the sheer amount of subjects overwhelms her. I now think she is a classic introvert like my husband - spending all day with hundreds of people is just not her thing. I think she’ll be happier once she is at college doing fewer subjects and more its free periods for self study. I believe school doesn’t suit everyone but she has learnt a lot of lessons about perseverance, resilience etc along the way. For example, I tell her that a lot of people don’t enjoy working full time but it pays for what we do enjoy doing. Try and find what motivates your son and use it as a carrot. It’s so hard: good luck.

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:37

ObliviousCoalmine · 27/09/2025 18:32

You will have to advocate for him with the school though. None of this “I’ve tried but haven’t heard anything”. You ring you email, you go down there. You rope in governors. You’re in reception and they say they’re busy? Fine, you wait till someone isn’t. Head of year, SENCO, tutor, head teacher, anyone. Slopey shoulders won’t help.

I’ve called them multiple times, left messages, emailed, gone down there and asked to speak to someone I’m not sure what part of that isn’t proactive

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:38

Holdonforsummer · 27/09/2025 18:36

My daughter is nearly 16 and has hated secondary school since the start (was fine at primary). There isn’t any SEN but she finds it exhausting and overwhelming. The petty rules get her down (she’s a really good student but has received 3 detentions for tiny things in the last 3 weeks) and the sheer amount of subjects overwhelms her. I now think she is a classic introvert like my husband - spending all day with hundreds of people is just not her thing. I think she’ll be happier once she is at college doing fewer subjects and more its free periods for self study. I believe school doesn’t suit everyone but she has learnt a lot of lessons about perseverance, resilience etc along the way. For example, I tell her that a lot of people don’t enjoy working full time but it pays for what we do enjoy doing. Try and find what motivates your son and use it as a carrot. It’s so hard: good luck.

Thank you I do relate to a lot of that.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 27/09/2025 18:40

So how have you been approaching this over the last 7 years?

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 18:40

HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:30

I have an older child that’s autistic so I suggested he was as well but the senco said she doesn’t believe he is and doesn’t see any traits. He loves the weekends and is much happier but rarely wants to go anywhere as he says he is tired from school and just wants to chill out.

So from 3pm on a Friday to late on Sunday, what does he spend his time doing?

What does he spend his time doing during school holidays?

Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:43

Ddakji · 27/09/2025 18:40

So how have you been approaching this over the last 7 years?

He had lots of intervention in primary school didn’t change the way he felt

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloKittyFan · 27/09/2025 18:45

Naanspiration · 27/09/2025 18:40

So from 3pm on a Friday to late on Sunday, what does he spend his time doing?

What does he spend his time doing during school holidays?

Show quote history

Playing with siblings, playing football/basketball in the garden, gaming, watching tv, occasionally I can get him out the house to the park

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 27/09/2025 18:49

Screamingabdabz · 23/09/2025 10:45

Secondary school is a trial to be endured these days. I’m not surprised so many kids drop out and refuse to go.

It’s one anxiety inducing thing after another - constant threat of detentions, uniform obsession, stressed angry teachers, peer pressure, social media pressure, classroom disruption, not able to use the toilet, crowd control management etc etc.

My bright well-behaved kids went to a so called ‘outstanding’ school and all came out traumatised in one way or another. The whole system needs reviewing.

Most of those things are not new or unique to ‘these days’… the only thing on your list that’s different from when I was at school 30 years ago and my mum was at school 70 years ago is the social media.

Vitriolinsanity · 27/09/2025 18:51

First, drop him off, make like you’re leaving then double back to Reception and insist on an appointment with the SENCO and Head of Year. It probably won’t be the same day, that’s fine, just get an appointment. The point is make sure it’s both of them or you’ll get bounced about.

Most secondary schools have a pastoral support team, the SENCO and HOY need to get them on board and working with your son. If you are really lucky the school may also have a professional counselling program. Meeting with them will enable them to try and unpick what factors about school your son is most worried about. They may also have a peer mentoring scheme where they can buddy him up with kids that have the empathy to help him a bit.

If you follow this route and the school stonewall you, then you have to follow the complaints procedure, in the first instance this will be the HT or DHT, then the Governors who will also have a dedicated SEN governor.

Your son doesn’t need to know you’re doing any of this, but you have to put your shoulder into it OP now. I hate to say it, but at least he’s going to school at the moment. In a few months hormones are going to boot in and matters will get worse.

Many posters are telling you their children are like your son. They are also a great source of comfort. They are also telling you to act, and as much as we all can empathise you either have to do that or you are going to have a 6ft tall school refuser and you really will be in the shitter.