Son not eating lunch at school

[ButFirstCovfefe]

My DS (nearly 12, sorry not quite a teenager but this felt like the correct place to post) has just started secondary.
Yesterday, when taking the kitchen bin out, we saw three days worth of full lunches in the black bin (full sandwich and berries). He has eaten his crisps and, assuming he took one, yoghurt.
He has said that he hasn’t eaten lunch because he wants to play football during lunch. The deception he couldn’t explain.
I plan on contacting the pastoral team tomorrow morning, so they can hopefully keep an eye and maybe remind him, like we have, of the importance of fuelling his body and brain,

Whilst I understand his reasons aren’t eating disordered based I had EDs (without realising) and could have come up with so many reasons for not going to the lunch hall (not packed lunch) and only having an apple), so I do worry.

Any ideas to help support him? Obviously he’s just started secondary school, but also, he is suspected ND (diagnosed with gross developmental delay as a 2yo, but told it’d likely be an autism diagnosis later on. Very high functioning, but I believe it 100%). Not that a diagnosis means anything for my question, more how his brain works.

Can you suggest he eats his sandwich at break time so that he has time to play football but has still eaten? (It's what one of mine did.)
I don't think I'd worry the pastoral team with this unless you think he's not being truthful.
(Remember there is more freedom at secondary school- they aren't marched into the lunch hall like in primary. It may all change when there is bad weather - rain etc - he might not be out so much. Don't make it a thing.
My point to my kids would be if you don't eat your sandwich at school eat it for your snack after school.

I don’t think the pastoral team at secondary will do anything!
My oldest (neurodiverse) doesn’t eat at school, i just make sure he has a substantial breakfast and after school snack.
I would have a go at him for throwing out perfectly good food though, especially berries!

I think you’re hugely overreacting to be honest. Not unusual behaviour at all for a teen boy to want to play football/mess around at lunch instead of eat! Especially at the start of secondary there is often a lot of rushing around and no set time/place to eat like they had in primary which can cause them to either not bother or forget.

I’d pack a few more small, easy things like cereal bars etc for him to eat on the go. Sandwiches every day sounds quite boring - try adding a bit more variety to see if that entices him.

My brother didn’t eat lunch for 5 years at secondary because he wanted to play football. It’s no big deal.

Pastoral team seems a bit of an overreaction. Can you not just give him more snacky stuff that’s quick to eat alongside the yoghurt and crisps- cereal bar, banana sort of thing? He’ll be fine on that so long as he has a proper breakfast, a substantial snack after school then his dinner.

I don't think it's a big issue either. If he's hungry he'll eat them. If he'd rather play football then he'll do that. That's the kind of decision making you get to do when you're at high school.

Please don't humiliate him by calling the pastoral team so they monitor his lunch box!

Just give snacks, things he can eat quickly.

I didn't either but that's because I spent my dinner money on fags🤭 If he's hungry he'll eat🤷

My daughter has just started secondary and she’s not eating lunch either because she’s apparently too busy! She does a lunchtime club every day. I’m just making sure she has a substantial breakfast, a good snack when she gets home and a big dinner.

I appreciate you have trauma from your own experience but I can’t imagine the school doing anything about this. High school children should and do have a lot of control over what they put in their bodies and you can’t really force him to eat. I’d just ask him to pack what he wants and make sure he’s getting what he needs when he’s at home. My daughter won’t go to the lunch hall (she’s autistic) so eats a lot of peanut butter and protein bars and such to stay full during the day. She eats loads at home after school.

Are you sure he's being entirely truthful about the reason? Amongst ds14 peer group taking a packed lunch is 'the most embarrassing thing ever.' He would rather go hungry than take food from home. They all buy lunch every day at the local shops, some use the school canteen but not many.

I'm not sure what you expect pastoral care to do, they won't be supervising children eating lunch in secondary school.

Mine have never eaten lunch at secondary school. They tend to leave it in the car and eat it on the way home, followed by a huge tea. Combination of school rules of having to eat sat down at a table, the embarrassment of a ‘packed lunch’ rather than me being able to give money and generally rather be doing other things with their time. I wouldn’t stress and I very much doubt the school will do anything beyond his form tutor recommending he eats lunch (which would be very embarrassing for him).

Perfectly normal DS hasn’t eaten lunch at school (hates it) for years and now quite a few join him. If hungry he will buy somethkng

DD ate lunch for years at high school now at sixth form she is too busy and eats it at home

Do not give the school staff more to do. He's not 5 - talk to him.

It's not ED, it's just adjusting to secondary school and wanting to play football.

I think you need to adjust to the growing independence secondary school forces

What do you mean by 'deception'. This seems a very strange take - he just binned food he hadn't eaten.

I guess he'll learn to bin it on the way home now to avoid your overreaction.

I was thinking this. Teens can be embarrassed by the way a sandwich is cut.

i remember being given ‘uncool crisps’ and throwing them away 🤪

I would hand him the shopping app and let him fill it with snacks that he will eat. He’s fine to eat a smoothie, crisps and big cereal bar (some of them can be like nearly 300 calories) as ‘lunch’.

I would probably just let him take a sandwich and 1 other thing and not worry about fruit and extras they very rarely eat it ime, he probably is binning it rather than a lecture about food, I don't think it is something pastoral care will worry about or rather be able to do much about.

Yes there is also this, some .kids would rather poke themselves in the eye the eat a pot of grapes or whatever, going to secondary changes them and they don't want to be seen as "babies"

I think this is really common amongst boys. My eldest did exactly the same, preferred to play football instead of eat. I just let him take snacky type things instead. He's just gone into year 9 and has just decided to take proper food because he's massively into fitness (spurred on by the football at school and all his outside sports) and is starting to understand fuelling his body properly. 2 years of snacking with proper meals at home hasn't harmed him in the slightest.

I used to give my DS the most basic of lunches so it didn’t matter so much if he was too busy to eat it but he did have something in case he wanted it. Usually something like a honey sandwich.Quick to eat, reasonably filling and non smelly.

The pastoral team have more to do than supervise a child of this age eating lunch. If he were hungry, he'd eat it.

He’s just started secondary school. It’s all about fitting in. He’s not going to want to sit eating his sandwich and berries, if all his mates are out playing football or buying a sausage roll/chips etc. Let him choose what he wants to take, or give him money, and feed him the healthy/substantial stuff at home.
I don’t think it’s deception, btw. Most children would throw away uneaten food on the way home. He was just trying to avoid what he (correctly) perceived would be a very awkward conversation with you if he presented you with the remains!

My friend did that at school, her mums sandwich’s were awful, she ate her crisps and biscuit and left the rest, she’s now a fully functional adult !

If he won’t eat a sandwich give him something else, samosa, cocktail sausage, wraps???? Could it be to do with the way you make the sandwich?

At secondary school age he could make his own sandwich if his mum’s aren’t acceptable!

As others have said, lunch can suddenly become ‘embarrassing’ at high school. Ask him if he’d prefer something else rather than sandwiches. Maybe he’d prefer to buy food at school, presumably there’s a system for that where you put money on a card or something? One of mine used to buy school food because if they took packed lunch they had to sit in a separate hall to those eating from the canteen so they couldn’t sit with friends.